You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice

by The Believer

  Thanks a lot. You just made me feel sad.

  Samantha

  …

  Dear Samantha:

  A few months ago I went into a store and found a cape for a baby with a lightning bolt on it. I thought it was funny and talked about it for a few days to various uninterested listeners. A few days later I found a passage about baby capes in the book I was reading. This is a lot of baby capes in my face all at once. Do you think God is trying to tell me to wear more baby capes?

  Sandra

  Miami, FL

  Dear Sandra:

  All those other listeners were right. This is uninteresting. When will you people ever learn that this is the kind of thing that can only be discussed on a blog, along with the content of your dreams, and other things that make you ROTFLMAO. The only thing God is trying to tell you is that you should start taking life seriously and stop dressing like Blossom.

  Samantha

  …

  Dear Samantha:

  Why, to put it delicately, does the carpet not always match the drapes?

  Gavin Katz

  Woodbury, MN

  Dear Gavin:

  Oh my god, did I just wake up in a 1970s porno? Nobody lays broadloom anymore; it’s hardwood all the way. At the most you might put a runner down for a little traction, but that’s it. Your question is irrelevant. You’re like an adorable little anachronism. Did you type this question on your typewriter and send it in via pony?

  Samantha

  …

  Dear Samantha:

  I recently purchased some sea monkeys. On the booklet that accompanied the aquarium, it illustrates sea monkeys with the ability to dance, create government, and perform a plethora of other tasks. Unfortunately, my sea monkeys don’t do anything but float in the aquarium. Is it outrageous to aspire for my pets to do things that other pet owners do with their pets?

  Christopher M. Lippa

  Brighton, MA

  Dear Christopher:

  You know what’s so weird? I had the exact same problem when I recently purchased a cat! I was totally expecting her to create government and dance around, but all she did was float in the aquarium. Pets are useless. I think I might get a kid instead.

  Samantha

  Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter

  Dear Michael and/or Michael:

  My fiancée’s father is pissed because I never asked him for permission to marry his daughter. But the last time I saw the guy, he took me aside and told me he was gonna slice my throat open the next time we were alone. Is there a polite way to make him feel involved in our wedding without giving him an opportunity to come after me with a hunting knife?

  Scared Shitless Groom

  Evansville, IN

  Hi Shitless:

  Sure, there are lots of ways to get on the old man’s good side without worrying about being gutted like a fish. My suggestion: make him your DJ. You might be thinking he could still come after you with a record needle, but rest assured, modern DJs usually use either compact discs or MP3s. There’s very little danger involved, unless you dislike the singer Vic Damone, in which case the danger is very high.

  Michael Ian Black

  Dear Scared Shitless:

  Michael Black really isn’t the best authority on this sort of thing. His answer for everything is “Make him your DJ.” What do I get my doorman for Christmas? Make him your DJ. How do I convince my boss to give me a raise? Make him your DJ. But DJs can’t solve everything, Mike. Lucky for you, Shitless, I can relate to your specific situation. Funny story: when I proposed to my college girlfriend—well, before I proposed to my college girlfriend—I invited her father on an all-expenses-paid fishing tour of the Virgin Islands. Fantastic marlin out there. So, we’re out in the middle of the big blue, slugging back Coronas on this yacht I rented with the last of my scholarship money, sun’s setting, and I pull him aside and I say, “Dad,” and then he says—this is the great part—“Dad?” Really high-pitched and adorable: “Dad?” And I say, “Yeah. I want you to be my dad. Dad.” We’ve been best friends ever since. Girlfriend and I split that month, but Mr. Akers and I are as close as ever.

  What was your question?

  Michael Showalter

  …

  Dear Michael and/or Michael:

  Who knew cashews were so high in carbohydrates? I mean, not like white-bread high but certainly higher than I thought. Are there any other foods deceptively high in carbs that might be sabotaging my diet?

  Liz Fisher

  Gaithersburg, MD

  Dear Liz:

  To answer this question fully and accurately, I’ll need a photo of you. And another of you eating cashews.

  Thanks!

  Michael Showalter

  Dear Liz:

  Please disregard my friend Michael Showalter’s coarse attempt at suavity. He cares little about the health ramifications of your cashew consumption. I, on the other hand, am concerned with your well-being. Now, I don’t know what you’re into, but jizz has a lot of carbs. People think sperm is just a great source of protein, and it is, but it’s also loaded with carbs. The twist? They’re the good kind of carbs. The baby-making kind.

  Michael Ian Black

  …

  Dear Michael and/or Michael:

  I went to dinner at my mom’s place last weekend and she served something called “chicken à la king.” I called her out on it. Isn’t that like when fast-food restaurants call their ketchup “fancy”? So anyway, I said to my mom, “Chicken à la bullshit,” and now she’s not talking to me anymore. What should I do?

  Sandra

  Grand Rapids, MI

  Dear Sandra:

  Take a step back: What if people told you that what you liked to eat was “bullshit”? You’d probably feel pretty insulted, too. I guess my question to you is, why are you all up in your mother’s shit? All she ever did was give birth to you and raise you the best she could. And then you turn around and throw it in her face. My advice: pick up the phone and apologize. You’ll be glad you did.

  Michael Ian Black

  Dear Sandra:

  Have you considered waterboarding? But seriously, have you? I think about it all the time.

  Michael Showalter

  …

  Dear Michael and/or Michael:

  As I’ve gotten older, my skin has become more sensitive and breaks out very easily. I’ve heard that a skin care regimen might help, but I don’t have the attention span to slap on moisturizer every night. Is there an easier way to maintain youthful skin for us lazy girls?

  Linda M.

  Baltimore, MD

  Hi Linda:

  Absolutely. My once-a-month never-fails skin care regimen is sure to keep your skin as clear and supple as a new contact lens. On the first day of every month, dip six to eight aloe leaves in a mixture of one part lavender, one part red wine vinegar, and two parts maple syrup. Affix those leaves to your “problem areas” with surgical tape and voilà! You’re done. Just keep those leaves where they are for the next four weeks until you’re ready to do it all over again. Even if it doesn’t clear up your skin, nobody will notice because you’ll have aloe leaves all over your face.

  Michael Ian Black

  Dear Linda:

  Black does have a knack for beauty chemistry, but I’ve taken our shared talent a step further and merchandised my personal at-home remedy. Go on, try Black’s method—but what if you find your face still looks like a caprese salad? What then? You’re in luck. My brand-new patent-pending formula is hitting your pharmacist’s shelves as we speak: Michael Showalter’s Baby Boot™. Made from the purest infant vomit, spit-up, and diarrhea, Michael Showalter’s Baby Boot™ both smooths lined, wrinkly skin and soaks up excess bacteria and pus. Just dab a generous amount of this unique night cream onto problem areas and smack on that lipstick, girl! Your friends and/or sexual partners will be too distracted by the glistening slime and offensive odor to notice your repulsive acne sores.

  Good luck!

>   Michael Showalter

  …

  Dear Michael and/or Michael:

  Can you substitute baking soda for baking powder?

  Lauren M.

  Manhattan, KS

  Hi Lauren:

  This sounds like the kind of question a terrorist would ask.

  Michael Ian Black

  Dear Lauren:

  I revert to my standard motto: “No Substitutions—Genuine Class.”

  Michael Showalter

  …

  Dear Michael and/or Michael:

  I’m almost seventy-four years old and my doctor just told me I have genital warts. How the hell is that possible? I was in the military and banged everything that moved, and I get my first STD when I’m old as dirt? That can’t be fair, can it?

  The Colonel

  West Palm Beach, FL

  Dear Colonel:

  You’re right. It’s not fair. And those who know Michael Showalter know that I am a staunch advocate of our men in uniform. That’s why I’m sponsoring the Veterans of Foreign Wars Gettin’ Freaky Act. This bill will mandate that Uncle Sam pay for that genital wart cream, the herpes antibiotics, the sex-offender rehabilitation courses—whatever it is that you need to keep on gettin’ freaky. It’s not a sexually transmitted disease—it’s a sexually transmitted solution.

  Patriotically yours,

  Michael Showalter

  Hi Colonel:

  Michael Showalter may say he supports old people, but his rhetoric ignores the cold hard facts: Michael Showalter just doesn’t like old people. I, however, love them, and I’ve thought long and hard about your query, Colonel. Maybe you sat on a very old toilet seat. That is the only possible explanation. (Vote Michael Ian Black for mayor.)

  Michael Ian Black

  Andy Borowitz

  Dear Andy:

  I shave my head but I’m not bald. Nobody seems to believe me. When did a shaved head become the new comb-over?

  Alex Sullivan

  Cedar Rapids, IA

  Dear Alex:

  You raise an interesting historical question: When did a shaved head become the new comb-over? Certainly not in 1979, when Persis Khambatta played the shiny-pated Lieutenant Ilia in the first Star Trek movie and ignited no speculation about the plentitude of her follicles. Nor was it in the eighties and nineties, which spawned such high-profile cue balls as Sinéad O’Connor and Vin Diesel. I think you have to jump all the way to the early part of this century for your answer: the suspicious midlife deforestation of Hollywood moguls Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen.

  Andy

  …

  Dear Andy:

  I had an abortion last year and made the mistake of telling my mother. She told me that if Mary had an abortion, there never would’ve been a Jesus. I thought about it later and realized she’s right. Long story short, my libido is gone. Any tips on how I can enjoy sex again?

  Lindsay S.

  Denver, CO

  Dear Lindsay:

  Generally speaking, it’s hard to have an orgasm if you’re thinking about Jesus, Mary, and your mother. I mean, I’m sure your mother is sexy in her own way, but you shouldn’t be thinking about her if you’re trying to come anytime soon. It sounds like you need a surefire turn-on to get back in the game. Have you ever done a guy with a shaved head? Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll hook you up.

  Andy

  …

  Dear Andy:

  I do all of my reading on the toilet, and because I prefer big, beefy novels, I guess I spend more time on the pot than some might consider healthy. As a result of my excessive bathroom visits, I’ve developed anal fissures. My wife thinks this is a bad thing, but as I’ve repeatedly reminded her, I’ll gladly endure a little rectal burning if it means finally finishing Remembrance of Things Past. What do you think?

  Brad Gregerson

  Greensboro, NC

  Dear Brad:

  I sincerely hope that Lindsay S. of Denver, CO, did not read your letter. She’s having enough trouble with her sex drive already without your planting these horrid images in her mind.

  Andy

  …

  Dear Andy:

  My teacher says that the human body is 65 percent water. I don’t think I believe him. If that’s true, then why can’t we breathe underwater? If we’re half water, why does water kill us?

  Scott, age 8

  San Antonio, TX

  Dear Scott:

  You can’t breathe underwater? Consult your physician immediately. You may be made of sand.

  Andy

  …

  Dear Andy:

  My doctor says I have hippocampal sclerosis, but I don’t know. It sounds like a fake disease. Is it for real?

  Jennifer Bowden

  Jackson, MI

  Dear Jennifer:

  According to Wikipedia, hippocampal sclerosis is a disease whose symptoms include “segmental loss of pyramidal neurons, granule cell dispersion and reactive gliosis.” But I wouldn’t be concerned if I were you—like most things on Wikipedia, it’s probably all made up.

  Andy

  …

  Dear Andy:

  Do you remember those comics, Classics Illustrated? Why did they stop making them? Because of CI, I can hold my head up high and say I’ve read The Iliad and Les Misérables. But what about modern classics like … well, I don’t know. Without comics, I’m lost.

  Eric Johnson

  Brooklyn, NY

  Dear Eric:

  The demise of Classics Illustrated was indeed a negative development, and not just for posers like you. Since CI stopped publishing, the incidence of anal fissures in the United States has shot up 300 percent.

  Andy

  …

  Dear Andy:

  What’s another word for “gyneolatry”? I looked it up in the thesaurus and couldn’t find something that really captures the essence of it.

  Tongue-tied in San Diego

  Dear Tongue-tied:

  “Insnatchuation.”

  Andy

  Michael Cera

  Dear Michael:

  Do you think turtles tell jokes? It seems like they could be really funny.

  Rilo

  Akron, OH

  Dear Rilo:

  I think that turtles definitely do not tell jokes. They could still be funny, I think, but it would be purely based on their appearance and the way that they move really slowly. But if we scrutinize further, we find that the humor ends there, and the sadness of the turtle’s existence washes away all the jokes, culminating as the ultimate truth of the animal.

  Michael

  …

  Dear Michael:

  I am beginning to think the word “cobbler” can mean anything you want it to. Person who mends shoes, deep-dish fruit dessert, rejected fabric, or mummichog. Are we moving toward a new world where the only word is “cobbler” and our only clues are inflection? How can I prepare?

  Anonymous

  Sedona, AR

  Dear Anonymous:

  It’s an interesting point to bring up. Being a purist, I’ve always referred to my mummichog as “mummichog,” and “mummichog” alone. I also tend to refer to people who mend shoes as “feet-housers,” and rejected fabric as “self.” I think we should be civilized and leave “cobbler” to the deep-dish fruit dessert, as it’s such a delicious, deep, fruity word to say and hear and cobble.

  Michael

  …

  Dear Michael:

  In middle school my science teacher told me talking to plants helps them grow. What do you think?

  Sincerely,

  I’d Rather Not Say

  Dear I’d Rather Not Say:

  I think there’s a very good chance that your middle school science teacher was a bonehead and was trying to impress you by dangling a whole bunch of worthless knowledge in your face.

  Michael

  …

  Dear Michael:

  Why is it that educated people are such assholes? I mean, they
just looove to flaunt their trivial knowledge. It’s like they want to impress everybody or something.

  Jason P.

  Warren, MI

  Dear Jason:

  Did you know talking to plants helps them grow?

  Michael

  …

  Dear Michael:

  I think my landlady/downstairs neighbor may be selling crack out of her apartment. She also yells very loudly at her boyfriend around midnight every night, like clockwork, and makes the house shake with her incoherent, catlike rants. Also, her phone rings a lot. What do I do?

  J.J.

  Boulder, CO

  Dear J.J.:

  This one is simple. Befriend the boyfriend. B-friend the B-friend. Be a friend. Wait outside the place. When he leaves one day, be casually walking by. Say, “Hey, you live below me, right?” (He says yes) and you say, “Coffee?” (He says yes) and you go to a café and say, “What’s your name anyhow?” (He tells you) and you say, “So, _______, how’s life treating you?” (He says fine) and you say, “Fine is fine with me. Heck, fine is almost as good as good.” (He laughs and smiles) and you say, “I really like making you laugh; we should hang out again soon.” (He says for sure) and you say, “Can I come by and maybe borrow some crack, you think?” (He says sure, you can take some, me and my girlfriend sell crack out of our apartment but we only have a little bit left but you can totally take it) and you say, “That’d be really great; I’d really appreciate that.” (He says what’s mine is yours) and now you have a new friend and an unbelievably convenient crack hookup, and next time you see him it wouldn’t be weird or out of the blue for you to say, “Hey, I heard you guys arguing last night at midnight. Trouble in paradise?” and get the scoop on the yelling situation.

  Michael

  …

  Dear Michael:

  I’m not sure what to do this weekend. Got any ideas?

  Bored in San Antonio, TX

  Dear Bored:

  Here’s what I think you should do: Go to the garden center and purchase some tree seeds (anything from an arroyo sweetwood to a western soapberry will do), and plant the seeds in your front yard. Wait patiently for the seeds to blossom into a beautiful baby tree (approximately two to three hours), and then talk to it. This will help the tree grow, as well as make it less lonely/bored.