You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice

by The Believer

  Lisa

  St. Louis, MO

  Dear Lori:

  Get out a piece of paper and write down the pros and cons of being mistaken for a seventeen-year-old. Cons: you get carded at bars and 7-Elevens, your parents still feel like they can treat you like a child, and high school guys hit on you. Pros: you’re always going to look younger than you are, you can act like a teenager and no one will tell you to “grow up,” and you can help out in that To Catch a Predator program by luring creepy Internet stalkers into the house so Chris Hansen can come out with his cameramen and humiliate the pervy perpetrators.

  I’d say the pros list wins. Relax and enjoy your perpetual youth.

  Paul

  …

  Dear Paul:

  Please provide your insight to the following two topics:

  The bikini line (bacon strip)—shave or wax?

  Lathering up in the shower—washcloth, loofah, or direct application of soap?

  Annette Fletcher

  Dear Annette,

  First of all, let me say what a pleasure it is to answer a question from someone whose name does not begin with an L. Second, do you really think I’m gonna tell you how to run your genital life? How can I possibly win at that game? I say, “Sure, shave away!” You get out the old Lady Schick and sneeze at an inopportune moment, and the next thing I know I’m sitting in court being sued for destruction of property. I say, “Hey, wax that thing!” You head to the salon, the beautician had greasy French fries at lunch, the hot wax container slips out of her slippery fingers just as she’s attending to your lady parts, and the next thing I know I’m back in court getting sued like McDonald’s did when that old lady dropped a cup of hot coffee on her hoo-ha. No way, Annette. I ain’t playin’ that game.

  As for your lather question, I say cut out the middleman. You’ve got a bar of soap, you’ve got your body. The loofah will eventually get moldy and disgusting, and you’ll have to wash the washcloth after you wash yourself with it, which is just so inherently redundant that it makes the very concept of the washcloth as sensical as a bathing suit that’s “dry clean only.” Use your hands the way our ancestors did.

  Oh, one more thing—“bacon strip”?

  Paul

  …

  Dear Paul:

  My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up in two weeks, and I only have five bucks to my name until I get paid next month. Any ideas?

  Jay

  Oakland, CA

  Dear Jay:

  You poor bastard. Literally. Five bucks until next month’s paycheck? I know the economy is bad but yikes. What your girlfriend needs for her birthday is a new boyfriend with a better-paying job. I’m just kidding. Hittin’ you with a little tough love because even though I’ve only known you for five seconds, you’re like a son to me. You sound like a good, earnest guy and the fact that you would spend your last five dollars on a present for your girlfriend and not something crazy like food or paying your electric bill makes me want to help you out. I’d say take that five bucks to an office supply store, buy a hundred sheets of paper; a roll of tape, and a Magic Marker, write “Happy Birthday (your girlfriend’s name)!” on each of the hundred pieces of paper, and then tape the papers all along the route your girlfriend takes to work in the morning. She’ll love the gesture and if she doesn’t, well, then break up with her. She’s not worth spending your hard-earned cash on.

  Feig out!

  Jim Gaffigan

  Dear Jim:

  I once had a guy tell me that I looked like a beautiful picnic table. What do you think this means? And should I be okay with it?

  Sally Teiman

  Chicago, IL

  Dear Sally:

  I don’t know if I would ever characterize a picnic table as beautiful really. Functional? Yes. Large? Yes. Hard to move? Definitely. Beautiful? Not really. I don’t know if this is a compliment unless your legs are large wooden planks or the guy who gave the compliment has a history of killing women and turning them into lawn furniture.

  I’m curious. When you got this compliment were you by chance standing in a park near, say, a picnic table? Sally, sometimes things are not just about you. I know it sounds crazy. Sometimes people can have strong feelings for things, not “Sally.”

  Jim

  …

  Dear Jim:

  I was in Oklahoma a few months ago and I ordered the “vegetable of the day” for lunch. They brought me a dumpling with a side of macaroni and cheese. I was previously unaware that either of these items was in the vegetable family. What else classifies as a vegetable in Oklahoma?

  Ashley

  Eugene, OR

  Dear Ashley:

  How is the weather up there on your high horse? As far as I know restaurant menus in Oklahoma are not determined by the state government. I’m pretty sure they never were. I suppose the notion of the “vegetable of the day” in Oklahoma is pretty funny. Ha, ha, ha. Kind of like a good hamburger in India or a non-snobby Ashley in Oregon.

  Jim

  …

  Dear Jim:

  I have a tiny, almost unnoticeable Armani symbol on the side of my glasses. Does that make me a tool? I mean, my thick-rimmed glasses are really sweet.

  Chad

  San Francisco, CA

  Dear Chad:

  Unfortunately your glasses have nothing to do with making you a tool. If it were only the glasses then I suppose this could be solved. Sadly, I think it might have something to do with your first name, Chad. Unless your parents emigrated from Chad and named you in honor of their homeland, I can see no reason to name a child Chad.

  I guess if your last name were Armani, you could say, “Hey, it’s my last name. I’m Chad Armani.” Admit it. Seeing “Chad” next to “Armani” really makes you realize how bad your first name is.

  Jim

  …

  Dear Jim:

  I had a weird dream last night where I went on a killing spree, murdering all of my ex–college roommates (I had a lot of them apparently), and for some reason Elvis Costello was fingered for the crime. I sat in the courtroom and watched him get a life sentence, and then he turned to me and smiled and started singing, “Alison, I know this world is killing you.” And the really bizarre part is, my name isn’t Alison. What could this dream mean?

  Norah

  Lancaster, PA

  Dear Norah:

  Wait—the “bizarre part” was that your name isn’t Alison? Really, THAT was the bizarre part? Not the murder spree or your letting a great musician take the heat? Just your name? Lady, you are a nut bag. Stop watching Law & Order before bed.

  Jim

  …

  Dear Jim:

  What’s the difference between extra-virgin olive oil and the regular kind?

  Cindy, rocking it in Reno

  Dear Cindy:

  I don’t have time to do research, but I think the biggest difference between extra-virgin olive oil and virgin olive oil is that extra-virgin olive oil has an extra word. The word is “extra.” That’s probably it. Well, maybe when they create or make virgin olive oil there is leftover or extra-virgin olive oil? That could be. Why are you asking me? Just ’cause I own a dozen olive farms and I’m a virgin?

  Jim

  …

  Dear Jim:

  I saw a sticker on a street pole the other day that read, CRAP! OBAMA IS A MARXIST! Should I be alarmed?

  Bryan Geoff Schuler

  Dallas, TX

  Dear Bryan:

  Uh, yeah! They did use the word “crap.” For someone to use such a crass word as “crap,” I think it’s pretty serious. I hope you crossed out “crap” and wrote “darn” or “by golly.” Thank god kids can’t read today or they would be totally corrupted by such language.

  By the way, who is Obama? I hope he’s not black.

  Jim

  …

  Dear Jim:

  Am I the only one in the world whose eyes are being fried by staring at the computer so much? I hate to complain, but,
yeah. I’m gonna. Can I get goggles for this shit somewhere?

  Max in Montana

  Dear Max:

  Sorry, we are all out of goggles here, but I’ll see if I can send over a really big crib so you can take a nap. I guess I should just talk to your dad about paying for it. Enjoy your Winnie the Pooh blanket.

  Jim

  …

  Dear Jim:

  My best friend’s been turning into a real ass lately. Says he’s been getting migraines. I think it’s the recession. We need marriage counseling, except not for married people. Where do friends go for that sort of thing? Or better yet, what’s your ten-step recovery program for friends on the rocks?

  David V.

  Pasadena, TX

  Dear David:

  Let me be clear up front. Your letter reminded me why I hate all sitcoms about groups of friends. Now back to you. I must admit you sound like a really great friend.

  DAVID: How’s it going?

  FRIEND: Unfortunately, I have another really bad migraine.

  DAVID: You’re turning into an ass.

  I suppose if your friend got a terminal disease you might want to sue him. Heck, you should be counseling people on sensitivity. Please accept my friend request.

  Jim

  Zach Galifianakis

  Dear Zach:

  Two years ago, I was married impetuously, against the wishes of my parents. Now everyone’s content; that is, everyone but me. Lately I’ve noticed that my life is extremely dull. My friends no longer want to hang out since I’ve stopped drinking all the time. I’m boring! What can I do to quash this, and is this a normal rite of passage?

  Jenny Skytta

  Seattle, WA

  Dear Jenny:

  After long thought and looking up the word “impetuously,” I have come to my answer. Dorothy Parker once said, “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” I think it is time to be curious about drinking again.

  Zach

  …

  Dear Zach:

  A friend recently gave me a twice-used Weber grill for my birthday. The instructions are fairly clear that it is only to be used outdoors. I never leave the house, however, because my neighbors are all government spies. Is there a way that I can enjoy the delicious taste of charcoal-grilled meat within the confines of my sanctum?

  Brooke James Saucier

  Evanston, IL

  Dear Brooke:

  So the government is hassling you, huh? Not surprising. I get followed all the time because I wrote a memo to my assistant saying that I used to date Dakota Fanning, and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives thinks it’s their business. Anyway, as for your question, grilling inside is dangerous but rewarding. I usually grill in the bathroom, since it’s the only room with a built-in fan. Sitting on the toilet while checking the progress of your wiener is a Fourth of July tradition in the Galifianakis home.

  Zach

  …

  Dear Zach:

  Why do stalkers usually chase people into abandoned amusement parks?

  Craig Baird

  Memphis, TN

  Dear Craig:

  I think they’re just following federal law. “Those wishing to stalk or harass a fellow citizen by trailing them must eventually end up in an abandoned amusement park, a burned-out Taco Bell, or a docked retired naval battleship” (Sec. 18 U.S.C. 875c). Some states require stalkers to have a limp. In New Hampshire, you can’t stalk anyone unless your name is Marcus.

  Good luck.

  Zach

  …

  Dear Zach:

  I’ve been out of rehab for a while, and I’ve successfully replaced my drug addiction with a gambling addiction, but I’m still having trouble feeling at ease in society without the use of narcotics. Any suggestions?

  Lorelei Leslie

  Santa Monica, CA

  Dear Lorelei:

  The transition from rehab to the normal world is a tough one. I spent some time in rehab for my addiction to homemade Ecstasy—made from Tide with Bleach and some old Altoids. Somersaults in the park while singing any Spin Doctors song are also useful.

  Zach

  …

  Dear Zach:

  I am in the unfortunate position of having a receding hairline, but only on the right side of my head, giving me a half widow’s peak. My wife says it makes me look unique, but I have become quite anxious about it. Should I shave the other side to match? Shave it all off? Wear a selection of hats?

  Tim Matthews

  London, England

  Dear Tim:

  I would definitely go with the hat. May I suggest a ski mask? Or a fez? Or both.

  Zach

  …

  Dear Zach:

  I have a job that leaves me passionless and empty. It stimulates neither mind nor soul. How can I successfully draw on my creative juices to do something meaningful?

  Best,

  Charles

  Address withheld

  Dear Charles:

  Are you an accountant at a cardboard box factory? Boredom is a killer. There are so many things you can do to kick-start a satisfying life. I will give you a few suggestions to get the juices flowing:

  1) Start reading Teen People.

  2) Rent a stretch Hummer to go see Noam Chomsky speak.

  3) Model your life after the movie Sideways, but instead of wine make your passion Mountain Dew.

  4) Ask a state trooper where the closest gay bar is.

  5) Have a Super Bowl party with no television.

  Zach

  …

  Dear Zach:

  My girlfriend and I have been together for about two months. The relationship is still new, but I think we’re going to be together for a while. Some days she has a mustache, though. It’s light and wispy and makes me want to die. Is there any subtle, safe way to alert her to her own facial hair and make her get rid of the mustache?

  Eddie Turner

  Atlanta, GA

  Dear Eddie:

  I know what you’re feeling. I date a Jewish girl with a Hitler mustache and I’ve never said anything to her. I even bought a biography of Frida Kahlo and pretended to read it while my girlfriend looked on. I just shook my head and muttered, “Can you believe this woman?” It went right over my girlfriend’s mustached head. Now, I’m not normally one to recommend roofies, but sometimes they can help. Do I need to say anything else?

  Zach

  …

  Dear Zach:

  I live in a medium-to-small one-and-a-half-bedroom apartment and have the unfortunate habit of flea-market-find collecting. I am especially drawn to vintage celebrity dolls and action figures as well as ’60s barware. While my apartment is not yet to the point of being overstuffed, it is threatening to happen any minute. Do you have any suggestions for displaying my finds comfortably in my limited space?

  Darwin Bell

  San Francisco, CA

  Dear Darwin:

  I, too, live in a small place that at least has high ceilings—or they may be low floors; it’s hard to say. My place is overflowing with Malcolm-Jamal Warner memorabilia, so I know what you’re going through. If you’re living with someone, maybe you could kick them out to make room for your stuff. After I moved my grandparents into mini-storage, I was able to move around more freely.

  Zach

  …

  Dear Zach:

  My high school French teacher once told our class that French people hate root beer because “it tastes of medicine.” Additionally, an Indian friend of mine claims that Indians despise most cheeses, especially ricotta cheese, “because of the texture.” I enjoy cooking international dishes for my international friends, but now I’m worried I might inadvertently make someone gag. Are there other “Food Prejudices from Around the World” I should know about?

  Tiffany Lee-Youngren

  San Diego, CA

  Dear Tiffany:

  During my worldly travels, I have experienced a couple of cultures with mys
terious food turnoffs. For one, I know that many Hindus will not eat pizza with buffalo wings as a topping. I also know of a town in Wales where it’s illegal to eat a foot-long hot dog because of the fear that someone might say, “I would like to have a foot-long inside me right now.”

  Zach

  Janeane Garofalo

  Dear Janeane:

  My boyfriend hasn’t had a job in three years. But he’s a pretty boy, very easy on the eyes. Is it worth keeping him around anyway, like a lamp that’s long since stopped working but you don’t throw away because it goes with the furniture?

  Susan M.

  Richmond, VA

  Dear Susan:

  The lamp provides you with a convenient place to hang damp laundry. The boy without a job does not. The lamp complements your home’s decor. The lad on the dole does not. If you are able to fuck the lamp, then you must donate the boy to the Salvation Army. Get a receipt for tax purposes.

  Janeane

  …

  Dear Janeane:

  I’m thinking about getting a tattoo, but I want something that isn’t quite such an urban hipster cliché. Maybe something literary? Is having a paragraph from Atlas Shrugged tattooed on my back cool and unique, or just pretentious? I’m not sure.

  Julia Rockson

  Atlanta, GA

  Dear Julia:

  It is only “cool” if you allow room for an additional tattoo that decries the cynical bastardization of Ayn Rand’s philosophy of rational self-interest by the conservative think-tank movement.

  Janeane

  …

  Dear Janeane:

  I know there’s a difference between stalking and being romantically attentive, but I can’t figure out what it is. Please advise.

  Regards,

  Paul

  St. Louis, MO

  Dear Paul:

  It all depends on how good-looking you are. “Stalkers” tend to be similar in appearance to people who saw Cats on Broadway more than forty-seven times. “Romantically attentive” describes people who don’t look like they’ve seen Cats on Broadway more than forty-seven times.