You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice

by The Believer

  Thanks,

  Sandy

  San Francisco, CA

  Dear Sandy:

  You’ve asked a very intriguing question. Right now, in the great state of California, there are many ailments that doctors will treat with weed: back pain, anxiety, that time of the month, etc., etc. Some lesser-known ailments include: being bitten by a fruit bat (let’s face it, if you’ve been bitten by a poodle-size bat, you need to get high fast so you can laugh about it), being dead (8 percent of marijuana users are zombies, thus explaining their slow walk and lack of jobs), and being haunted by a ghost (if you walk into a doctor’s office and yell, “The ghosts won’t get out of my head!” what serious professional won’t hook you up with some ganja immediately?).

  Adam

  …

  Dear Adam:

  I’ve heard so much recently about an impending global grain shortage. Should I be hoarding bread?

  John B.

  Seattle, WA

  Dear John:

  It’s shocking to me that you haven’t already been hoarding bread. I’m going to assume you’re Amish and don’t have access to any kind of useful information. I started hoarding bread back in ’79 and now have approximately thirty-four tons of fermented bread in U-Store-Its across the country. I’ve got Wonder bread with Justice League of America trading cards in it, and frozen Lender’s bagels from ’82. Recently I was arrested for operating a still because apparently the guards at the storage facilities were getting drunk off of my old bread. But that’s a problem I can live with, while you starve to death up there in Washington State.

  Adam

  …

  Dear Adam:

  According to the old adage, “Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.” But what if you prefer popping bennies? Where’s the snappy, helpful rhyme for those of us who like our bliss in pill form?

  T.J.

  Portland, OR

  Dear T.J.:

  It’s tough to be from the Northwest, because popular culture and medicine take decades to get to you folks. Having said that, we Easterners and Southwesterners thank you for your gold and potatoes. The saying is “Bennies before Dilaudid, never clouded; huffing Wite-Out before injecting CAT into your dick, you might get a smidge sick.” Another popular one in my neck of the woods is “Grain alcohol before a glass of liquid acid, always placid; pulling a three-hundred-dude train while high on angel dust before cliff diving on meth will lead to televised death.” A good way to remember these is to put them to a popular song melody. I use Rage Against the Machine’s cover of “Maggie’s Farm.” Hope I was able to help! And when you guys get phone lines out there in Oregon, give us a call and let us know how it worked!

  Adam

  …

  Dear Adam:

  I’m not a virgin, but every time I have sex with a woman, I tell her, “This is my first time.” It gives her a sense of accomplishment, and my below-average skills in the bedroom suddenly seem really impressive. Am I being immoral, or just making lemonade out of lemons?

  Not a Virgin but Willing to Learn

  Ann Arbor, MI

  Dear Not a Virgin:

  Lies and fantasy are the nectar of good lovemaking. What you’re doing is adding spice to both your lives, and spice is never bad, unless it’s condensed into a highly concentrated form and put into a spray can and sprayed at a person’s eyes. I myself will sometimes tell a lover I was raised in the Koresh compound and was taught that sex with more than one girl is wrong and I will burst into flame if it happens and that’s why girls won’t do it. After she brings her crying friend into the room to join us, the fun begins. So if it makes you feel good, it can’t be wrong. Which is why I’m addicted to cooking sherry, glory-hole sex, and blackjack.

  Adam

  …

  Dear Adam:

  I really want my vote to count in the upcoming election, but I’m confused. Would you help me make sense of the Democratic and Republican candidates? I just need something short and snappy and easy to understand so I can go get drunk with my buds and stop worrying about the world.

  Chad (please no “hanging” jokes please)

  Boston, MA

  Dear Hanging Chad:

  Politics are tough. That’s why I will ask my teenage daughter who she thinks is cuter. This year she said Zach from Zach & Cody, so he’s getting my vote. I love democracy!

  Adam

  Eugene Mirman

  Dear Eugene:

  Can you settle a bet for me? I say that it’s okay to load the dishwasher with different-size plates next to each other, but my mom says that I’ll never find my own apartment or produce grandchildren. My driving privileges are on the line—which one of us is right?

  Thanks,

  Perry in Peril

  Parker, CO

  Dear Perry in Peril:

  What you have asked is technically a “non-question,” because the very notion of doing dishes is flawed. When possible, dishes should be tossed out a window. I know my answer isn’t very “green,” but the time saved will let you make a much bigger impact in your community.

  On a separate issue, if your mother has told you that grandchildren are in some way produced by using a dishwasher, she is lying.

  Take care,

  Eugene

  …

  Dear Eugene:

  I drive a 1997 Honda Civic with 178,000 miles on it. Lately, it’s been making an odd noise and vibrating wildly whenever I apply the brakes at highway speeds. Because the car is stolen, I’m reluctant to take it to an authorized mechanic. Does this sound like a serious problem, or can I afford to ignore it for a while?

  Cheers,

  Dave

  Wilmington, DE

  Dear Dave:

  It sounds like something is wrong with your transmission. You need to get it checked out right away. How am I so sure even though I’ve never owned a car? Because I own something a little more useful than knowledge—I own confidence. Go to the mechanic. Be careful, though. If the mechanic calls the police, you’ll have only about ten minutes to run away. How will you know if he’s called the police? He’ll try to stall you with questions and tasks like, “Want to write a play with me right now?” “Let’s watch the movie Dune,” or, “How do the pieces in chess move again?” It’ll be obvious.

  Eugene

  …

  Dear Eugene:

  My sister has always had a real zest for life, but lately I’ve noticed that she seems to be drinking more than usual. I’m also not thrilled with the guys she’s been “dating.” How can I approach her about this without sounding like an uptight, repressed spinster?

  All the best,

  Prudence

  Schenectady, NY

  Dear Prudence:

  First of all, thank you for giving me the opportunity to write “Dear Prudence.” It was really fun.

  You have the age-old problem of a slightly drunk sister throwing her body a party and inviting, indiscriminately, guys she met at a flea market and several bassists. Often people have to realize on their own that they’re making mistakes. (Robert Downey, Jr., and Amy Winehouse are just two examples.) Still, you can accelerate the process. Fill your sister’s pillow with thousands of pieces of paper that say “You’re making a mistake,” and, “You need to cut down on drinking.” When she brings some dude home, they’ll lie down and be like, “These pillows feel weird.” Once they look inside and find all the notes, they’ll be like, “Your sister really loves you. We shouldn’t be doing this.”

  You can also handcuff her to a golden retriever. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried drinking or making out while handcuffed to a dog, but I bet it’s near impossible.

  Eugene

  …

  Dear Eugene:

  I’m a middle school student and I’m not very athletic. This is a problem because most of the other kids are, and they always play basketball together at recess. I want to play, too, but I’m afraid I won’t be good enough. What if
they laugh at me for the rest of the year?

  Regards,

  Ball’s in My Court

  Myrtle Beach, SC

  Dear Ball’s in My Court:

  Oh my god! You are afraid of the wrong thing! What if they laugh at you for the rest of the year? No, that’s not what you should worry about. What if they laugh at you for the next five years? What happens if that leads you to never believe in yourself? What if you seek solace in drugs or, worse, community theater? You can’t allow that to happen. You have to overcome your fear of being laughed at and develop an insurmountable self-confidence. How? Not by turning to whiskey—that’s what weak tweens do, and you’re strong. You need a three-pronged approach:

  1. Start playing basketball somewhere alone for two hours a day for at least one day, but more like a month.

  2. Pick two other things to become not just good at, but great at. A few options: backgammon, karate, computers, or premarital sex. (JK—don’t do it.)

  3. Absorb the following knowledge: sports are one of the most important things at your age, but they exponentially decrease in importance after high school—just ask Mick Jagger or Janet Reno—plus at around twenty-eight everyone becomes overweight and sluggish, and the most important things become happiness, money, and having (or being) a pretty wife who smiles really well (and doesn’t let on that everything is awful).

  Eugene

  …

  Dear Eugene:

  My friend Andrew is experiencing a renaissance after a relative nadir in his love life. I want to buy him a gift that says, “Yeah, dude. You’re doing it. Be safe.” What would you suggest?

  Sandy

  San Francisco, CA

  P.S. He is a box turtle.

  Dear Sandy:

  Well, obviously you don’t need to get him condoms or anything like that. My guess is he already has an iPod. You should build him a turtle-size modern home with glass walls, a steam shower, hot tub, and lettuce room—basically Howard Roark the place. A classy turtle is a happy turtle.

  Eugene

  P.S. If the reason your friend is experiencing a renaissance in his love life is because you bought another turtle and put her in his cage, then you are no better than Indian parents who make their daughter marry some rich family’s son in exchange for horses and weird drums. I know, why end this with a confused, ethnically charged remark? So you start seeing turtles like I do—as pawns in a cultural war.

  Morgan Murphy

  Dear Morgan:

  My boyfriend wants to go to Burning Man, but the last time he was there, he had sex with a man covered in silver body paint. He says it was just a onetime thing—how often do you get to fuck a silver man?—but I’m worried that it might happen again. Am I right to be concerned?

  Glenn

  Davenport, IA

  Dear Glenn:

  I hate to break it to you, but your boyfriend is gaaaaay. You two fellas have obviously been together awhile if this is his second Burning Man, but if he’s fucking a man (covered in silver paint, no less), then he is a homosexual, and you need to figure out if that’s something you’re willing to live with. I would advise approaching him gently on this subject, as nobody wants to be dragged out of the closet. Perhaps bring it up to him while he’s blowing you.

  Above all, don’t judge him. I happen to know that you’re required to fuck a man covered in silver paint to get into Burning Man. It’s a policy established in 1998, after a complaint that paper tickets were wasteful and added to the festival’s already excessive littering. Inserting one’s penis into a silver man is the ultimate form of recycling. That way, if the Burning Man Police want to know if you’ve paid your entrance fee, they can simply ask to see your silver penis. It’s quite brilliant in its simplicity, and kind to Mother Earth. Other events now implementing the “fuck a man covered in silver body paint” policy include Lollapalooza, various FM radio stations’ “Jingle Balls,” and the Westminster Dog Show.

  Morgan

  …

  Dear Morgan:

  I’ve read that by drinking one and a half glasses of red wine each day, you can prevent cancer and heart attacks. My question is, what happens if you finish the second glass? Are you undoing all the good?

  Sandra Olston

  Orlando, FL

  Dear Sandra:

  Allow me to ask you a question, Sandra. Why would you want to prevent cancer and heart attacks? Do you have any idea how nice people are to you when you’ve recently been diagnosed with lymphoma, or undergone a coronary bypass? I’ve endured three years of white-knuckled, unassisted sobriety in the hopes that I might be stricken down by a temporarily debilitating illness that will force God-fearing family members to wait on me hand and foot. Sure, when I see my friends going to Party Town (choo choo!) with a case of Shiraz, part of me wants to join them. But then I think about said friends having to bathe me with sponges during my bedridden “vacation” from life’s responsibilities. Why would I want to prevent that? People say “fed through a tube” like it’s a bad thing. I see it as a simplified alternative to the ever cumbersome fork and spoon. And don’t even get me started on chopsticks.

  Morgan

  …

  Dear Morgan:

  I love James Patterson thrillers, but whenever my friends catch me reading one of his books, they give me a look like it’s Gang Bang Trannies. Should I give up on my guilty pleasure and choke down more Don DeLillo and Thomas Pynchon, or get less judgmental friends?

  Leo P.

  Richton Park, IL

  Dear Leo:

  I can’t believe you would make up such a convoluted story just so you could reference Thomas Pynchon and Don DeLillo in the same sentence. Nice work, douche bag.

  I am also personally insulted by your mockery of Gang Bang Trannies. I’ll have you know that it’s the greatest fictional depiction of polyamory since Little Women II, Louisa May Alcott’s harrowing follow-up about four lesbian midgets who fuck one another in post–Civil War New England.

  Why would you write to a magazine and ask a question about books? Do you think I’d write a letter to The Five People You Meet in Heaven asking Mitch Albom if I should continue to read XXL? Actually, that’s a poor example. Have you read Tuesdays with Morrie? That guy could answer anything. Now that I think about it, you should probably try to get his advice.

  Morgan

  …

  Dear Morgan:

  Is it wrong to have sex with somebody I respect but don’t find physically attractive? I’ve been dating this guy for a few weeks, and while the sex has been repulsive, our postcoital conversations are always stimulating and fulfilling. Is there something wrong with me?

  Jenny Godfrey

  Rapid City, SD

  Dear Jenny:

  Allow me to answer your last question first. Yes, there is something wrong with you. You’re retarded. I don’t mean retarded in the casual sense (i.e., “You’re retarded”). I am clinically diagnosing you as a person with mental retardation. Because you are retarded, I don’t expect you to understand the difference, but trust me when I say that my use of the word “retarded” is not offensive at all. Sex repulses you not because your boyfriend is unattractive, but because you have the mind of a seven-year-old. Your postcoital conversations (no idea how you whipped out that word, but I once saw a retarded person on Live with Regis and Kelly who could count backward, so I’ll believe just about anything) are stimulating because who doesn’t enjoy a conversation with a man who has sex with retarded girls? Now that’s a guy with stories!

  Morgan

  Bob Odenkirk

  Dear Bob:

  I have romantic intentions toward an incredibly hot boy who lives in my dorm, but my friends tell me not to bother, because he’s out of my league. How do they know that? Isn’t beauty subjective?

  Thanks,

  Pretty Confident in Her Own Attractiveness

  Hartford, CT

  Dear PCIHOA:

  Your acronym-name is worthless. Do better on that next time. I’m
very tired. Got the kids off to school this morning, forgot to put water, vegetable, or sandwich in son’s lunch bag, just filled it with napkins. Have you seen Larry King lately? He’s thinner, bonier, and hotter than ever. What’s with the Olympic torch? It’s silly. The Olympics are silly. Clowns, too. Have you ever eaten pie? Do. You’ll thank me. Does that answer your question? No? I say ask the guy out. Beauty is subjective and he sounds like a great guy to me, the kind who might enjoy a pinch-faced, watery-eyed, drooling boob such as yourself. Hope that helps.

  Best,

  Bob

  …

  Dear Bob:

  What’s the proper way to refrigerate venison? I’ve tried storing the carcass in my basement freezer, but it always ends up with a gamey taste. What am I doing wrong?

  Too Much Deer Meat

  Suttons Bay, MI

  Dear TMDM:

  Your acronym-name is slightly better. Kinda sounds like a noise Bobby McFerrin would make. What happened to Bobby McFerrin? He’s probably in Florida, huh? Guns are good in the right hands—nobody’s. What’s on Larry King’s mind these days? Anything facile and trite? When will RATT reunite? Where? I want the exact time and address because I don’t want to be within fifty miles of that ground zero. Fewer carbs, more protein is yesterday’s news. Have you ever asked someone you don’t know how to refrigerate venison? Don’t. It’s a waste of time.

  As to your question: don’t. Eat venison raw, as soon as you have it, right on the spot. To get the gamey taste out of your basement freezer, use Handi Wipes and gasoline.

  Cheers,

  Bob

  …

  Dear Bob:

  My next-door neighbor has several enormous stacks of old newspapers littering his front yard and a huge pile of discarded magazines spilling out of his trash can. How can I persuade him to actually recycle these old papers and not just stuff them in the trash?

  Regards,

  Lori

  Berkeley, CA

  Dear LORI:

  Now that’s an acronym-name I can get behind! Very clever of you to write to me about your “neighbor.” Ha ha. What, did you think you would publicly humiliate me? Ain’t gonna happen, dearie. For your little trick, here’s what you get: I’m going to start throwing my diapers in the yard, too. After I poo in them, not before.