You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice
Page 13
Madsen
Madison, WI
Dear Madsen:
There is an easy fix for this problem. First I’d suggest putting a tarp over the broken part of the roof, which will keep out rain and burglars (at least those without scissors). Next, mix a solution of plaster, cement, water, caulking grease, and stucco. Carefully spread this mixture across the roof-hole. To prevent your blood pressure from penetrating the roof again, I’d suggest steel reinforcements (3 × 5), which you can ask for at your local reinforcements depot.
Sincerely,
David
P.S. If you want to get less angry when watching TV in the first place, try watching higher-numbered channels. I’m particularly partial to 359, 435, and 436.
P.P.S. Your TV does not “owe” you an apology or “owe” you anything. He must choose to apologize on his own, or what’s it worth? Please tell him I’d be willing to do a phone session with him.
…
Dear David:
How long should you fight to save your marriage before you admit that you’re really in love with alimony?
Madison K.
Austin, TX
Dear Madison:
Five weeks.
Best,
David
…
Dear David:
I’m willing to cook at home as long as what I cook doesn’t resemble a dead animal. But I hate doing dishes, and I especially hate the smell that wafts up from a stack of dirty dishes overflowing from the sink onto the counter. What do you recommend?
Christy
Danbury, CT
Dear Christy:
No one enjoys doing dishes. It’s one of those universally hated tasks that we all have to deal with, especially folks like you and I who have an ongoing (if nonexclusive) love affair with the art of haute cuisine. It’s basically a four-step process:
1. Cook (preferably something Thai or SoCal-LoCarb).
2. Eat (slowly—put your BlackBerry away!).
3. Relax, digest, enjoy a good sex pamphlet or take a crack at solving the Rubik’s Snake.
4. Have the cleaning woman do the dishes.
Good luck,
David
ADDENDUM: Since this article was first published, I’ve received numerous inquiries from aspiring stay-at-home cooks who claim not to employ a cleaning woman, and/or whose cleaning woman doesn’t work after dinner. First of all, are you joking? If you are not, then I’d suggest having your cleaning man do the dishes. If you have neither, then I think you have much bigger problems than a sinkful of dishes (e.g., dirty sheets).
Rainn Wilson
Dear Rainn:
I woke up this morning to find a mushroom growing out of my carpet. Should I call the landlord or just eat it?
Christine Ramos
Buffalo, NY
Dear Christine:
A mushroom is a fungus. When we visit zoos or botanical gardens and mushrooms are featured, the title of the exhibition always is “There’s a Fungus Among Us!” Write the landlord a letter with that phrase title and he’ll knowingly nod and take care of the situation.
Sidebar: contrary to popular mythology, all mushrooms are edible and actually quite nutritious, so feel free to pop that fuzzy sucker in your pie hole!
Rainn
…
Dear Rainn:
I have a crush on a girl I had a dream about last night. I don’t think she even exists. How can I get in touch with her? She’s the one for me!
C. Williamson
New York, NY
Dear C.:
Funny you should ask. I have created an all-purpose Web portal for interactions such as yours. It’s called Dreamconnect.com. Simply describe your literal “dream” girl, and an e-mail blast will be sent out to our database of over eighty thousand girls who have enrolled on our site because they feel that they have been or will be “dreamed of.” Our powerful search engine will match you to a selection of these “dream girls,” and for $490 you will be able to contact what is sure to be the love of your life!
Note: most of our “dream girls” don’t speak English, only Bulgarian, so good luck with that!
Also: I love the name Williamson. It’s so simple. Son of William. Somewhere back in the old country there was a man named William and that man was your father.
Rainn
…
Dear Rainn:
Is it okay to fart in yoga class?
Karen Thurn
San Jose, CA
Dear Karen:
According to Dave Finster of Science on the Stairs, when you fart, small molecules of fecal matter, methane, and intestinal tissue are disbursed into the air. When you fart in yoga class, what better way for people to get to know you than to breathe in your fecal molecules and embed them into their lungs? You will literally merge with your class and bring your souls together! Best to announce it first, though, so your classmates can begin their Pranayama™ techniques and link their mind, body, and spirit with your atmospheric fecal bounty.
Rainn
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Dear Rainn:
I just got dumped by my shitty boyfriend who works with me. How do I get him fired and steal all of his friends and leave him in a watery grave while still maintaining a devil-may-care attitude? Also, please advise on revenge tactics.
Amanda
Long Beach, CA
Dear Amanda:
Press a knife into the center of his eye. It will go into his brain. See how far it can go. Make a tuxedo from his blood. Dance like you’ve never danced before. Take a tour of a museum that you’ve never been to before, like the Gene Autry Museum or the Museum of Fog. Watch Inspector Gadget 2: Gadget Meets His Match, starring French Stewart. Make something besides pesto from pine nuts and then …
I’m sorry, what was the question?
Rainn
…
Dear Rainn:
Is the Iraq War still going on? I keep forgetting.
Miriam Brooks
Fort Wayne, IN
Dear Miriam:
The war is indeed over and peace has been restored to the land. As a matter of fact, I’ve established the first Iraq scenic peace tours for concerned liberals. Just sign in at FertileCrescentTours.com and check out our guided walking tours of Fallujah and Mosul. We have amphibious duck boat tours of Ramadi that take you up and down the Tigris-Euphrates. (History’s “Fertile Crescent” from history class!) Camp out under the stars in the glorious Anbar Province and take in the fresh sea air at the port of Basra. Tours start at nine thousand euros; sign up today!
Rainn
…
Dear Rainn:
What is the best way to get rid of a ghoul that lives in your home? I think I’ve got one and it’s totally fucking rude.
Cecile
Fort Worth, TX
Dear Cecile:
Ghoul catching instructions:
1. One large wooden box covered in religious symbology.
2. Place box on bed in bedroom. (Preferably child’s bed.)
3. One stick (10 inches).
4. Prop up one end of said box with stick.
5. One string (10 feet).
6. Tie string to that stick.
7. Human baby blood (1 pint).
8. Pan or tub.
9. Place baby blood in said pan or tub.
10. Place pan or tub under box.
11. Hide in the closet and keep the other end of the string taut in your hand.
12. Peer through keyhole. When the ghoul starts to lap up the human baby blood, simply tug on the string, causing the stick to fall and the ghoul to be captured in the box!
13. Set fire to box and ghoul.
You’re welcome.
Rainn
Lizz Winstead
Dear Lizz:
What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?
Esther
Decatur, IN
Dear Esther:
Like all rock throwing in the region, it will be greeted with Isra
eli rocket fire and sanctions.
Lizz
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Dear Lizz:
I hate my neighbors. How can I passive-aggressively let them know how I feel?
Annoyed in Akron
Dear Annoyed:
Here’s a great passive-aggressive technique I have always had luck with. Invite them to dinner, and while you are reminding them that you had asked for a Merlot but the Pinot Noir they brought will probably be okay, let the husband know you would have to drink three bottles of it before you could even think of having sex with his wife.
If that doesn’t work, burn down their garage.
Lizz
…
Dear Lizz:
Do you know the origin of the phrase “head over heels”? My personal experience has taught me that most of our heads are usually over our heels, unless we are grotesquely deformed. So to say I am “head-over-heels in love” is basically like saying I am “hands-at-the-end-of-arms in love.” Riiiiiiight?
Hannah Pantone
Salem, OR
…
Dear Hannah:
The origin of the phrase actually came from the era in our evolutionary process when Jesus rode dinosaurs, and the shinbone and foot grew out of the upper base of the skull. This is Science 101. So, Hannah, you are not “riiiiiiiiight.”
Lizz
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Dear Lizz:
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll sneak to the computer while my girlfriend is asleep and browse the army recruitment website. Should I set aside my beliefs against harming others, put my career plans on hold for three years, and risk the mind-fuck that comes with killing another human being? Somebody has to do it, right?
Morally Foggy in Northern California
Dear Foggy:
So many people don’t explore their passion for bloodlust and sit back while others go for their dream of nurturing their inner killing machine. Harming others is fun. If they are stupid enough to let themselves be harmed, whose fault is it really?
So I say, “Go for it!” You’ve only got one chance on this earth. But when you go sign up, if you are gay in any way, do not mention it! K?
Lizz
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Dear Lizz:
I’m interested in finding a new job in this shitty economy. Can you advise me which field to look for work in? I am good at nothing.
Kevin Albert
Oshkosh, WI
Dear Kevin:
I would recommend looking into opportunities in cable news or at the meatball bar at IKEA.
Lizz
…
Dear Lizz:
Whatever happened to skorts and slap bracelets? They were so cool.
Missing the good ol’ days
Chicago, IL
Dear Missing:
Like all fashion trends that combine two cute garments into one hideous one, the skort was pushed into fashion oblivion by its newer cousin the “shant,” the short/pant. And the shant is already in fashion’s rearview mirror as trendsetters everywhere are sporting the “skump,” the skirt/pump, and the “trong,” the trouser/thong.
As for the slap bracelet, I think you can read about where it ended up in paragraphs twelve and thirteen of the torture memos.
Lizz
…
Dear Lizz:
Which perfume is more likely to get me laid? Floral or food flavored?
Marianne Kuban
Fayetteville, AR
Dear Marianne:
Try to find a scent that combines both, like a Cool Ranch Patchouli.
Lizz
The Horrible People
Aziz Ansari can be seen in the NBC series Parks and Recreation, as well as movies such as Funny People; I Love You, Man; and Observe and Report. He’s also one-third of MTV’s hit sketch comedy series Human Giant.
Judd Apatow wrote and directed the films Knocked Up and Funny People and was the cowriter and director of The 40-Year-Old Virgin. He was also the executive producer of the television series Freaks and Geeks.
Fred Armisen is, among other things, a repertory cast member on Saturday Night Live. This may not still be true when you’re reading this. Welcome to the future!
Maria Bamford stars in her own Web sitcom on SuperDeluxe.com and in Comedy Central’s Comedians of Comedy. Her other appearances include Late Night with Conan O’Brien, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and Comedy Central Presents … Maria Bamford.
Todd Barry is a stand-up comedian who occasionally acts. He played Mickey Rourke’s mean boss in The Wrestler and the annoying bongo player on Flight of the Conchords. He’s done stand-up on The Late Show with David Letterman and Late Night with Conan O’Brien, and in two Comedy Central specials.
Samantha Bee is the Most Senior Correspondent at The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. She enjoys unicorn-themed collectibles and watching kittens play with balls of yarn.
Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter are former and current members of the comedy troupes The State and Stella, performers in the cult movie Wet Hot American Summer (which Showalter also cowrote), and begrudging costars of the Comedy Central series Michael & Michael Have Issues.
Andy Borowitz is a writer and comedian whose work appears in The New Yorker, The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.
Michael Cera was a cast member of the short-lived TV show Arrested Development and has appeared in the movies Superbad, Juno, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, Year One, Paper Heart, and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. He’ll be playing Nick Twisp in the upcoming adaptation of Youth in Revolt.
Vernon Chatman and John Lee cocreated a show on MTV2 called Wonder Showzen, which featured puppets saying and doing horrible things.
Rob Corddry was a correspondent on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart for five years. He’s appeared in movies such as Old School, What Happens in Vegas, Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, and many others. He also stars in the WB Web series Childrens’ Hospital.
David Cross was a runner-up at Seattle’s Boeing Airplane Plant Hot Sauce Challenge for Charity 2002.
Larry Doyle, a former writer for The Simpsons, works in showbiz and writes funny things for The New Yorker. He lives outside Baltimore with his wife, Becky, their three children, and one dog, until it dies, and then no more dogs, according to the wife. His novel, I Love You, Beth Cooper, is being made into a movie.
Paul Feig is the creator of the former NBC series Freaks and Geeks, as well as the director of the movies I Am David and Unaccompanied Minors and many episodes of the TV shows Arrested Development and The Office. He is also the author of the books Kick Me, Superstud, and Ignatius MacFarland: Frequenaut!
Jim Gaffigan is a stand-up comedian, actor, and writer. He can currently be seen on the third season of TBS’s flagship comedy My Boys and in 17 Again with Zac Efron. He appeared in Sam Mendes’s Away We Go.
Zach Galifianakis’s first stand-up gig was in the back of a hamburger restaurant in Times Square. He now travels the country doing stand-up and appears regularly on late-night talk shows. He lives in Venice Beach, California.
Janeane Garofalo is a comedian, writer, political activist, and retired bike messenger.
Daniel Handler is the author of the novels The Basic Eight, Watch Your Mouth, and Adverbs, and far too many books as Lemony Snicket. He lives in San Francisco with his wife and child.
Todd Hanson is a writer and editor for The Onion: America’s Finest News Source. He lives in Brooklyn with his two cats, James Boswell and Dr. Samuel Johnson.
Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim are the costars, writers, and creators of such Cartoon Network shows as Tom Goes to the Mayor and Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!
Ed Helms is a former correspondent on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, a cast member of the NBC series The Office, and a costar of the hit film The Hangover. His upcoming projects include The Goods and an as-yet-untitled comedy about Civil War reenactors.
Buck Henry wrote the screenplays for The Graduate, Catch-22,
The Owl and the Pussycat, and To Die For, among many others. He cocreated and wrote the TV series Get Smart, was a writer/performer on The Steve Allen Show, That Was the Week That Was, and The New Show, and hosted Saturday Night Live ten times.
Mindy Kaling is a writer, actor, and producer for NBC’s The Office. She cowrote and costarred in the hit off-Broadway play Matt & Ben. She played an object of unwanted affection in both The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Thomas Lennon has starred in Reno 911!, Viva Variety, and The State, among other TV shows and films. He also works as a screenwriter.
Al Madrigal is an extremely funny and underappreciated comedian, actor, writer, and father who resides in Los Angeles in a small home that has lost nearly all of its equity. He can be found performing stand-up comedy tirelessly at low-budget comedy clubs all over the country.
Aasif Mandvi is a correspondent for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He also wrote and starred in the Obie-winning one-man show Sakina’s Restaurant. He’s appeared in many films, TV shows, and stage plays. If you are interested in knowing more about Aasif Mandvi, please go to Google.com and type his name.
Marc Maron is a stand-up comic, author, actor, radio personality, and Jew. His book, The Jerusalem Syndrome: My Life as a Reluctant Messiah, is out of print and overpriced by vendors who think it might have some collector’s value.
Adam McKay is a director and writer of movies including Anchorman and Talladega Nights, and also cofounded the website Funny or Die. He was head writer of Saturday Night Live in the late ’90s and a cofounder of the Upright Citizens Brigade.
Eugene Mirman’s first book, The Will to Whatevs, is available now from HarperCollins. Eugene can be seen on HBO’s Flight of the Conchords and on the new Adult Swim series Delocated. He tours regularly and released a new comedy album on Sub Pop in 2009. He has four hundred children and lives in outer space.
Morgan Murphy is a stand-up comedian and writer. She has been on TV and in a movie. On three occasions, she has jogged.
Bob Odenkirk seems capable of anything he sets his mind to, except for summing himself up in thirty words or less.