The Guy Next Door

by Toni Blake

  Derek took a deep breath. He couldn’t believe he was telling her any of this. He hadn’t really talked to anyone in his life about it, ever—not his friends, not guys he worked with, not women he dated. And he meant what he’d said—he wasn’t sure she’d get it and it might change the way she saw him.

  And yet, it was pouring out of him easier than he could have imagined. And despite himself, he almost wanted to tell her, wanted her to know. Because if he was gonna care about this woman…well, maybe it was a matter of seeing if she could care about him back. All of him. Scars and all.

  “I got into drugs in high school,” he said. Then he stopped, waiting for her reaction—but when he got none, he went on.

  “I hung with a rough crowd—I didn’t really know any way to be but bad. Guess all I knew was that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life getting beat up like I had as a kid, so I wanted to seem like the kind of guy who’d do the beating up.” He paused, again anticipating some kind of response, but it still didn’t come.

  But he still had worse stuff to throw at her. “I started shoplifting then. It was a game with my friends and me—we dared each other to steal things. And then we even started breaking in places at night—businesses where they didn’t have security cameras or anything to stop us besides maybe a lock or two. I got caught and ended up in juvenile detention for six months when I was sixteen.”

  At some point, his gaze had shifted back to the window as he’d spoken—from shame maybe, because the man he’d become sure as hell didn’t like remembering the troubled boy he’d been—but when he finished, he took a deep breath and made himself look at her again. She still said nothing, but…well, she didn’t appear completely horrified. Though he hoped he was reading her right.

  “When I came home,” he went on, “Aunt Marie set me straight. She told me if I didn’t clean up my act, lose my punk friends, and ‘fly right’—as she put it, that she’d make sure I went back to juvy and stayed there until I was eighteen. She said I wouldn’t amount to anything unless I saw the good in myself and changed right then. That moment, she said, was the most important one I’d ever had. She said it would make or break the rest of my life, and that I had a big decision to make—that I could take a shot at a decent life or I could ruin it for good.”

  “And?” Holly prodded.

  He let his expression soften. “I took a shot at a decent life.”

  Holly smiled at him. “I kind of thought so.”

  “You did?”

  “Well, yeah,” she said. “Because look at you now.”

  Though he tilted his head, truly curious. “What do you see?”

  “An intelligent, ambitious, responsible, and reliable man,” she told him.

  And he raised his eyebrows, sincerely surprised. “You see all that?”

  “Not the first moment we met, no,” she said. “But a few days in, I think I’m able to read between the lines.”

  And with that, Holly reached up and cupped his cheek in her hand, appreciating the late day stubble there, then she leaned over and kissed him. His mouth opened gently against hers and she let his tongue slide inside and turn in warm, soft circles around her own. Everything else—what had already happened between them, whatever might or might not happen now—mattered nothing to her in that moment. She’d been drawn to him in an inescapable way and kissing him had felt like the most natural, right, honest thing to do in the world, so she’d simply done it.

  “Mmmmm,” he breathed when the kiss ended. “I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to do that again.”

  “Why not?” she asked.

  “Well,” he said, “for one thing, you don’t seem like the type of woman who goes around kissing criminals. Or letting them take care of your baby.”

  “You’re not a criminal,” she said. “You’re not the boy you used to be.”

  “I’m glad you know that,” he told her. “But for another thing, after this morning I didn’t think you’d ever want to see me again. I owe you an apology, honey. I acted like a jerk.”

  “I thought I owed you an apology,” she admitted. “For getting mad so easily. Even if I’m pretty sure you don’t really have anything to do with a friend tomorrow.”

  He released a heavy breath, a look of shame reshaping his eyes. “Guilty as charged,” he said, voice low.

  But she didn’t want him to feel ashamed. Given the things he’d just told her, she suspected he’d already done his time in the shame department. And she wished he hadn’t lied, but looking back, she supposed she’d put him on the spot a little.

  So she decided to say the thing she really feared, because she wanted to clear the air and get to the heart of the matter. And whatever the answer, she’d act mature about it and not go running off into the other room. “Derek, is the reason you lied to me because you don’t want to be saddled with a baby?”

  “Holly,” he said, his strong jaw clenching a little, “it’s not about being saddled. It’s about…”

  “What?”

  He stared off into the distance once more, for only a few seconds this time, and then he turned to peer into her eyes. “It’s about me,” he told her. “It’s about what I envisioned for my life. When I finally grew up and started taking some responsibility for myself, I got a picture in my head of what I hoped my life would be. I knew I wanted to start my own business. And I hoped that somewhere down the road I’d make enough money to buy nice things and eventually have somebody to share them with.”

  “Oh,” she said, thinking she got the picture now. After all, he had started the story nicely enough, but he hadn’t finished the equation the same way she would have. “No children,” she said.

  He lowered his chin in a quick nod. “That’s…how I always pictured my life.”

  Her stomach dropped at the news. Because this meant her fears were founded. And that it wasn’t just about right now—it was about…forever. Her lips began to tremble, but she forced another question out anyway. “Is there…a reason why?”

  He sighed and told her, “There are a hundred reasons why. Starting with my own parents. I never had a mother, and for all practical purposes, I never had a dad, either.”

  “But that doesn’t mean—”

  He held up a hand to stop her. “Please,” he said. “Let me finish. Holly, I can’t be a parent to a child. I can barely take care of myself. I never had role models—I don’t even know what a good parent is supposed to be, or do.”

  “You could learn,” she protested.

  “That’s not it,” he argued. “Or…maybe that’s exactly it.”

  “Huh?”

  “It shouldn’t be something that you have to talk yourself into—it should come naturally. Like with you and Emily.” He ran his hands back through his hair. “Honey, I’m just not cut out to have kids. I can’t be responsible for shaping a child’s view of the world. I’m not prepared. I don’t have the answers and I never will. I’m just not…parent material.”

  “But Derek—”

  “Wait,” he told her. “But Derek nothing. It’s just how things are. I mean, it’s the way I feel. I can’t help it—that’s me, who I am.” He looked deeply into her eyes, as green and crystalline as ever. As he spoke, he felt purged somehow of sins he didn’t even fully grasp. And yet he wished he could be a different kind of man, the kind of man who could make her happy, who could want to be a father to her child. “I understand,” he concluded, “why you got upset this morning. And I understand if you’re upset with me right now. I’ll also understand if…you don’t want to see me anymore.”

  “I do want to see you, Derek,” she told him. “But I’m also not sure…how I can do that, considering Emily.”

  He nodded. Obviously, he knew as well as she did that Emily had to be her first priority.

  “You see, when I got pregnant with Emmy, the plan was for me to stay home to raise her. Then, when Bill died, all that changed.”

  “How did Bill die?” he asked gently.

  “A car accid
ent,” she replied.

  “I’m really sorry,” he told her then, his voice softening. And a heavy moment of silence hung between them until he quietly added, “Holly, can I ask you a really personal question?”

  She nodded. No matter how this conversation ended, and even though the outlook for it seemed grim, she still felt so close to him right now that she thought she’d tell him anything.

  “Do you still love him?” Derek asked. “I mean, I’m sure you still love him, but are you still…in love with him?”

  Holly considered the question. There was a right answer, a proper answer. And then there was…honesty. “I don’t think so,” she confessed in a whisper. “And maybe…maybe I never really was.”

  She watched the dark color of his eyes somehow deepen. “What do you mean?”

  “Bill was…convenient for me,” she explained. “And I was that way for him, too. Everyone we knew seemed to think we were the perfect couple and should get married. So we did. But there was…well, no great, enduring passion there.”

  And that was when something lit in Derek’s eyes, something heated and intense, something so powerful that it forced her to look away.

  Refocus. Keep being honest.

  “I’ve never told anyone that before,” she admitted. She stared down at her hands as she spoke—and then saw his larger hands come into view, capturing hers.

  “Thank you for telling me,” he whispered. “And…please don’t feel bad about it. It’s how you feel, Holly. You can’t help that.” The words reminded her of the same he’d spoken moments before, about himself, about his not wanting to have kids. And just for a moment, she understood. Because he was right—you truly couldn’t help how you felt about the big things in life.

  “Anyway,” she said with a sigh, coming back to the huge dilemma before them, “not being able to stay home with Emmy has restructured my life, changed it from what I thought it would be. I spend all day missing her, Derek. And when I come home at night, I want to be with her. I want to watch everything she does, see every new expression on her face, see her smile and frown, listen to her make sounds and try to make words.”

  She paused, gathering the courage to return her gaze to his. “I…don’t know how to have a relationship with a man right now,” she told him. She felt stupid, but she didn’t know how else to explain it.

  “I understand,” he told her, lifting a hand to her cheek.

  “You do?”

  He nodded. “But I don’t know the answer. For you and me. We have…different things going on in our lives. We’re in different places. I’m not sure…” He trailed off on a sigh.

  “I know,” she said softly. She didn’t like acknowledging it, but she couldn’t see any way around it, either.

  Another silence grew between them, this one a little uncomfortable, and Holly realized they were both exhausted. It was the middle of the night. “Well, it’s late,” she said.

  He nodded and they both stood up. He offered her a wistful smile through sleepy eyes. “Should I kiss you goodnight?”

  “Would you like to?”

  “Very much.”

  “Then I’d…like that, too.”

  She wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned into his masculine warmth. She wished she could stay there forever. Their lips met in a series of soft, sweet kisses that made her long to sleep in his arms.

  But that just didn’t seem possible. Because she was a package deal.

  “Goodnight,” she finally said.

  “Goodnight,” he told her. “And, um, call me if you need anything else. I mean that.”

  Nodding, she watched him leave, walking across the lawn and entering the house next door. And even when he’d shut out the night and lights began to go off, darkening his windows, she stood there watching, envisioning him inside, thinking of how they should be there, or here, together…together—but as they’d both agreed, it simply couldn’t be.

  He was so near, but so horribly far away.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Emotional exhaustion helped Holly sleep well. In the morning, she awoke refreshed and ready to face the day.

  Pushing back the covers, she got out of bed and went straight to Emily’s room. It was Saturday and, while she knew she would spend some time at the hospital, she also planned to devote some quality time to Emmy today, too. To make up for the last couple of nights. And because seeing her daughter all weekend had become her primary motivation for making it though the work week.

  “Morning, Em,” Holly said, lifting the baby into her arms. Emily’s eyes fluttered open and Holly smiled at her. “Time for breakfast, sweetie.” After that, she planned on a bath in the kitchen sink and then dressing her in something pretty.

  Carrying the baby to the kitchen, Holly lowered her to her bouncer seat on the floor. “Sorry our plans got cancelled last night,” she said to Emmy as she went about preparing a bottle and pouring herself some cereal. “But it was an emergency.”

  “Ah goooo.”

  Thinking of last night created other memories for Holly, too. Derek’s goodnight kisses still seemed fresh on her lips. And the things he’d told her about his past loomed fresh in her mind, as well.

  She’d never felt so strung out or confused over a man in her life. He said he didn’t want kids, but when she saw him with Emmy, well…her heart simply did a little flip flop. It was like her two favorite people were right in one place, snuggled up together, and it seemed perfect.

  “Goooooo.”

  Emmy’s cooing reminded her that yes, she’d only seen them together sleeping—so who knew what kind of chaos had taken place before they’d reached that point. But Holly didn’t really think there had been any chaos. Derek had just looked so content with Emmy…

  She let her thought trail off, wondering if she had any right to try to make him be a father when he’d blatantly told her he just didn’t want to. After all, who was she to try to twist his life like that? Shouldn’t it be his decision? Yet still, she knew if something didn’t change on that front, their relationship was doomed.

  ***

  Derek rolled over in bed and faced the sunshine. What day was it? Saturday? He glanced at the clock on the nightstand. The glowing numbers read 9:30. Why on earth was he so tired this late in the morning?

  Then he shot to a sitting position in the bed, the memory hitting him hard.

  He’d been up half the night with Holly. And he’d told her everything.

  What could he have been thinking?

  But as their late night talk started coming back to him more clearly, he remembered—he hadn’t really been thinking. And the words had poured out of him so easily that he just hadn’t bothered to stop them. He’d been so sleepy and it had been so simple to tell her.

  Still, thinking about it made him feel a little sick. He’d managed to keep his past to himself his entire adult life—so why did he have to start talking about it now? What must she think of him? Drugs? Jail?

  Of course, that was a long time ago and he was no longer the boy who’d done all those stupid things. But how could he expect her to understand that?

  And yet, she had understood. She had held his hand; she had kissed away his painful memories.

  It was beyond him to understand how a sweet woman like Holly could accept his past so easily, but she’d done it, no questions asked.

  Just then Claws leaped up onto the bed and walked across Derek’s stomach.

  “Hey buddy,” he said, petting the cat. “How was your night without me?”

  “Meow.”

  “Sorry I had to ditch you, but it was an emergency.”

  Then he shook his head. The more he talked to Emily and Claws, the easier and more normal it started to seem. It struck him as ridiculous, and yet the conversation made him feel a sort of companionship, even if the conversation was only one-way. “Claws,” he said, “thanks to you, and Holly, and Emily, I have definitely lost my edge.”

  After dragging himself out of bed, he freshened Claws’
water dish and dumped some food into the bowl on the floor next to the refrigerator. Feeling generous, he even poured a little milk over the dry kitten food.

  Well, at least the truth is out now. Although he’d never thought about it much, he supposed he’d always worried about the day when he’d meet a woman he really cared for—worried about telling her the truth about him. He still couldn’t get over how easy it had been to tell Holly that truth. And her acceptance had followed just as effortlessly.

  “I always thought saying it out loud would be the hard part,” he mused as he watched Claws enjoy his milk-soaked food.

  But despite telling her the truth, a much larger problem still loomed between them and he didn’t know what to do about it.

  The smart thing would be to forget it. To decide to be friends, neighbors. No kissing. No touching.

  But he’d already tried that and it hadn’t lasted long. Even now he knew it would be impossible—every time he saw her he wanted to touch her. And since going to bed with her, that feeling had only grown. He wished he could take her to bed right now.

  He thought back on the way she had moved above him, her red-blonde hair falling down over her breasts, her breath coming so soft and deep and heavy. He wanted to have her that way, and every way, again and again. Baby or no baby.

  And so without even thinking about it, he followed the haphazard urge to pick up the phone and dial her number.

  “Hello?”

  “Good morning, beautiful.”

  “Derek,” she said. Did she sound as enraptured to hear his voice as he felt hearing hers? “Hi.”

  “Listen, honey—I know everything we talked about last night, and that we didn’t come up with any good answers, and I’m not sure what to do about it. But the one thing I do know is that I want to see you.”

  Her voice was a soft lilt on the other end. “You do?”

  And Derek told her another truth. “No, it’s more than that. I need to see you. I don’t know what’ll happen between us, I don’t know how to solve our problem, but…just say you’ll see me tonight.”

  As he waited for her answer then, he felt strangely adolescent, like a twelve-year-old boy asking a girl to a middle school dance. And it wasn’t the first time she’d made him feel that way. And as for that heart-bending thing—well, it happened so often now that it had almost started feeling normal to him. Hell, just like talking to cats and babies.