Mega Post-Apocalyptic Double Bill

by Mark Gillespie

  Eda spun around as David walked back into the living room a moment later. Gillian and Nicola must have gotten bored or maybe they’d felt uncomfortable spending time around a man they were about to murder. Either way, they’d sent him back alone.

  He looked around with a curious expression.

  “Is she gone?” he asked. “I thought I heard the door closing.”

  Eda knew the time for small talk was over. She hurried over and grabbed David by the wrists. The bewildered look on his face as she held onto him implied that he wasn’t sure if the rough stuff was part of the mating ritual or not. But then he looked at Eda and his expression turned grim, no doubt mirroring the look on her own face.

  “Are you okay?” he asked. “What’s wrong?”

  “We don’t have long,” Eda said, lowering her voice. “Look David, this isn’t what you think it is. They’re going to kill you.”

  David’s face turned chalk white. “What? They’re going to what?”

  “They’re going to kill you,” Eda said. There was no way of sugarcoating the bad news and even if she’d tried it would only have wasted more time. “They’re going to wait till we have sex and when it’s done - well, put it this way, you won’t be around long enough to find out whether you put a baby in me or not.”

  David took a couple of wobbly steps backwards, his hands up in the air as if he was calling for a timeout.

  “Why?” he said.

  “Shay’s killing them,” Eda said. “The men from the old world. Anyone who had a hand in the End War.”

  David’s face was a sickly gray color.

  “Men from the old world?” he said. “But I was only a child during the war. I lost my family, I lost everything…”

  “Keep your voice down,” Eda said. Her eyes darted back and forth across the apartment; she knew that somewhere nearby, the assassins were sharpening their knives.

  “I was only with the bandits a couple of weeks,” David said, doing his best to stay quiet while he pleaded his case. “I’m not one of them. Surely you can tell I’m not like they were. There were a couple of survivors after the battle and when they fled the city I chose not to go with them. I stayed here to regroup. Can’t you see? I’m not one of them and I’m not a man of the old world.”

  “It doesn’t matter anymore,” Eda said. “You’ve been out there amongst them. You’ve lived with them and maybe you even killed with them for all I know. You’re guilty as far as Shay’s concerned.”

  “That’s bullshit,” David said. His voice shook with fear.

  “We don’t have time to discuss it,” Eda said, glancing back towards the double doors. “You have to trust me on this. I know you’re not like the other bandits and I know you’re not an asshole but Shay doesn’t and that’s why they’re going to kill you. That’s all that matters right now.”

  “How do you know?” David said. There was a puzzled look on his face. “How do you know I’m not like the other bandits? Or that I’m not an asshole?”

  “We’ve met before,” Eda said.

  David squinted his eyes. It was like he was trying to peel back the make-up on Eda’s face and look straight through her.

  “What?”

  “You don’t remember me,” Eda said. “Do you?”

  He shook his head. “No,” he said. “But I can’t imagine how I’d ever forget someone like you.”

  “After the battle on 42nd Street,” Eda said, “you killed one of your own. A guy called Pike. He killed two women, remember now?”

  David leaned in closer. His eyes were bulging and his mouth hung open.

  “You?” he said. “The girl with the knife? That was you?”

  “Yep,” Eda said.

  “But you look so different…”

  “We don’t have time for this,” Eda said. “Look here’s the deal. Life as Helen of Troy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be so I’m working on a plan to get us out of here. Both of us. You probably saved my life that night and I figure I owe you one.”

  “Working on a plan?” David said. “How about this one? How about we open the door and start running the hell out of here right now?”

  Eda shook her head. “Because we wouldn’t get very far,” she said. “You’re surrounded. We’re surrounded.”

  “So what do we do?” David said.

  Eda was about to answer when she was cut off by the sound of footsteps in the corridor.

  “Shit,” she whispered. “Okay David, you’re going to have to trust me from here on in. Whatever you do, follow my lead and play along. We’ll have our chance to run the hell out of here, I promise.”

  David swallowed hard. He was about to say something when the door to the Presidential Suite swung open. Shay walked in, followed by an anxious-looking Lucia.

  “Are you two getting along?” Shay asked.

  “Of course,” Eda said, spinning around to face the two women. She was smiling.

  “Yes,” David said. Eda could still hear the trembling in that strange, foreign accent of his. “Helen of Troy is as charming as she is beautiful.”

  Eda laughed and gazed demurely at the floor. She looked at David, then walked over to the two women and lowered her voice.

  “Shay,” she said, “would you mind keeping David company for a second? Lucia and I won’t be long.”

  Before Shay had a chance to answer, Eda turned around and giggled softly as she looked over at David.

  “It’s embarrassing,” she said. “Lucia is my cleaning lady and she’s moved my tray of scented candles. Now I can’t find them anywhere.”

  David nodded. He stood on the other side of the room like a block of stone with arms. “And they’re important to you?” he asked.

  Eda grinned. “I need them,” she said. “You know, for atmosphere and stuff.”

  “Do what you need to do,” David said. “I want you to be comfortable.”

  Eda noticed his hands were shaking at his sides. She hoped that if Shay saw it, and Shay didn’t miss much, that she’d put it down to nerves about the curse.

  “I just want this to be perfect,” Eda said. And with that she threw a stern look in Lucia’s direction. “Why do you keep moving my things and not putting them back where you found them? Haven’t we had this discussion a hundred times before?”

  Lucia’s jaw dropped.

  “I…”

  Shay walked over to David. “I guess the most beautiful woman in the world is allowed to have it whatever way she wants,” she said. “Wouldn’t you agree?”

  David flinched. It looked like he’d just brushed up against a row of jagged thorns.

  “Absolutely,” he said. His voice was flimsy and nervous. He looked at Eda like an animal from behind the bars of a cage, his eyes longing to be set free. “Take your time Helen, I’ll still be here when you get back.”

  Eda smiled. “I won’t be long,” she said. “C’mon Lucia, follow me – where the hell did you put my candles?”

  Eda took Lucia’s hand and dragged the old woman towards Helen’s bedroom. They didn’t talk until they were inside and the door was firmly shut behind them.

  Lucia still looked baffled.

  “What is this?” she said. “What was all that about with the candles? Did I miss something?”

  Eda marched over and leaned her head towards Lucia.

  “The plan goes ahead,” she whispered into the old woman’s ear. “That man out there is innocent. He saved my life the night the bandits came knocking at our door.”

  Lucia squinted her eyes. She took a step back.

  “Are you crazy child?” she said.

  “No I’m not crazy,” Eda said, still keeping her voice down. “To tell you the truth Lucia, sometimes – like right now – I feel like I’m the only sane person in New York. I’m leaving.”

  “I can’t help you Eda,” Lucia said. “We’ve talked about this already. I won’t. It’s too late.”

  There was a part of Eda that loved Lucia. She’d lost count of the number of times
the old woman had sat down with her on the bed when Eda was feeling trapped in the Waldorf, and cheered her up with endless stories and songs from the past.

  But she had to forget all about that now.

  Eda grabbed Lucia by the shoulders and dug her fingers in deep. Lucia winced under the pressure and tried to shake Eda off.

  “Keep quiet,” Eda hissed.

  “Let go of me!” Lucia said. “Have you lost your mind?”

  “You’re going to help me,” Eda said. “Those crazy murdering bitches out there are about to stab an innocent man to death. He doesn’t deserve to die like that. You had sons before the war, didn’t you Lucia? For God’s sake, imagine it was one of your boys who showed up here thinking he was doing a good thing. How would you like it if Shay and all the rest of them hacked him to bits? Well?”

  “My boys are all dead,” Lucia said. “Don’t try and play mind games with me girl.”

  Eda nodded.

  “Okay then, she said. “How about this? I’m going to tell Shay that you came up with an escape plan for me. I’ll tell her it was all your idea – the laundry cart, escaping out the back door, everything! She knows that you had daughters of your own and I can tell a good story if I have to – why wouldn’t a sweet old woman feel sorry for a sad girl who felt trapped? And why wouldn’t she want to help that sad girl by offering to break her out?”

  Lucia’s eyes fixed on Eda with something close to hatred. That’s if the sweet old cleaner was even capable of such a feeling.

  “You little bitch,” she snapped. “Shay’s not stupid. She’ll never believe any of that nonsense.”

  Eda jerked a thumb towards the door.

  “Who do you think she’d prefer to believe?” she said. “Who does she need more around here? Helen of Troy or the cleaning lady? Even if she doesn’t believe me, she’ll never really know for sure. She’ll never be able to trust you again Lucia. Tell me, how long do you think you’d last out there if you got banished?”

  “After everything I’ve done for you,” Lucia whispered. Her eyes brimmed with tears.

  Eda felt a stabbing sensation of guilt in her heart. This was killing her but it was too late to stop now.

  “For God’s sake just help me,” Eda said. “Don’t let them butcher an innocent man in here today.”

  “It’s impossible,” Lucia said, running a hand through her frizzy gray hair. “Shay’s in there.”

  “There’s still time,” Eda said. She took her hands off Lucia and glanced at the bedroom door. If they took too long, Shay would start getting suspicious.

  “Look,” she said. “Here’s how it works. Linda told me that when there’s a man in here with Helen, all the killers gather in the bedroom on the opposite end of the apartment. As soon as they hear all the sex noises, that’s their cue to creep towards the living room. From there, they start edging towards this room. When the man’s finished, that’s when they storm in and butcher the poor bastard. You see Lucia? They’ve got a routine and we can take advantage of that.”

  “I don’t see how them having a routine makes any difference,” Lucia said.

  “It gives us a window of opportunity,” Eda said. “A small one but it’s better than nothing. David, Frankie Boy and me – we can sneak out of the apartment before the killers move from the other bedroom into the living room. As long as they don’t hear anything, you know, the sex noises, they’ll think we haven’t started yet and they’ll stay on the far side of the apartment.”

  “And what about the two warriors in the lobby?” Lucia asked. “If they see you…”

  “We stick to the original plan,” Eda said, cutting in. “After you leave here, you go straight down to the first floor and wheel the cart to the foot of the stairs. Make sure it’s the big one. Tuck it into the wall, don’t block the stairs or someone might move it. You take Frankie Boy with you too – if anyone asks you’re taking him for a walk. Me and David, we’ll be down as quick as we can, we’ll jump into the cart and you’ll push us to the back. You think you’ll be able to push it if there are three of us in there? It’s going to be heavy. Real heavy.”

  Lucia looked like she’d aged ten years in five minutes. But there was stubborn defiance in her eyes as she looked at Eda.

  “I’ve been working all my life,” she said. “You should have seen the things I did before, during and after the war. Don’t you worry about me Eda Becker. I can push a laundry cart from one side of the hotel to the other with ten people inside if I had to. I’m far from done yet in this world.”

  “So you’ll help me?” Eda said. This was it – they’d run out of time. It was now or never.

  Lucia stared up at the pale ceiling.

  “I had daughters as well as sons you know,” she said. “God rest their souls, all of them One of them was a lot like you Eda – a stubborn little smart-ass who wouldn’t take no for an answer. Okay then. I’ll do it for my Isabella who would have liked you and told me to help you. I’ll put the laundry cart at the bottom of the stairs. God help us.”

  “Thank you,” Eda said, almost crying with relief.

  It was back on.

  A few moments later, they were back in the living room. Shay and David were standing near the bookcase, not talking and pretending to look at books. Shay smiled at Eda and Lucia as they returned, although Eda detected a hint of impatience in her eyes.

  David’s face was chalk white. He looked like he was already dead.

  “Find what you were looking for?” Shay asked.

  “We got there eventually,” Eda said.

  “Sorry about that,” Lucia said, looking back and forth between Shay and David. “I’m old and I forget where I put things sometimes. Anyway, excuse me folks will you? I’ll go take Frankie Boy out for a walk and get him out of here. Come on you crazy dog. You want to go for a walk with Lucia?”

  The big German Shepherd rushed into the living room, his tail wagging furiously. Eda grabbed his leash off the hook next to the door and handed it to Lucia with a nod.

  “See you guys later.”

  Lucia returned the nod and left with Frankie Boy.

  “I think we’ve kept this poor man waiting long enough,” Shay said, stepping into the center of the room. “Shall we proceed with the fertility blessing?”

  “Of course,” Eda said.

  Shay brought the young man and woman together and spoke the words. Eda didn’t listen to a single one of them. She was imagining the forthcoming escape and the feel of the rain on her head all over again.

  The fertility blessing didn’t take long.

  “Good luck,” Shay said, her face glowing like a priestess who’d just conversed with the divine spirit. She walked to the door, glancing over her shoulder at Eda and David, who were still touching hands in the center of the room.

  “See you when it’s over,” Shay said. And then she closed the door gently behind her.

  Eda and David dropped hands as soon as she was gone. David was about to say something but Eda pressed a finger to her lips. She shook her head and pointed further inside the apartment. David seemed to understand – there were killers hiding somewhere inside the suite, and even if it seemed like they were alone, they weren’t.

  Eda took his hand again and they walked towards the bedroom. Once inside, she closed the door behind them. She made sure that it didn’t click fully shut though.

  “Helen,” David whispered. “I can’t stay here, not knowing what they’re…”

  “Don’t call me Helen,” Eda said. “My name’s Eda. And right now we have to wait for a few minutes. Let them clear the hallway outside – Shay will come back into the suite through one of the adjoining hotel rooms – it’s like a secret passage that means she doesn’t have to go through the front door. Let them all gather in the other side of the apartment. We’ve got to get the timing just right or we’re going to screw this up.”

  Eda sat down on the bed and took off her heels. Then she stood up and began to unzip the tight evening dress from the back.


  “What are you looking at?” she said, catching David’s eyes on her body. “Nothing’s going to happen. If it does, you’re dead. Remember?”

  David turned around and faced the door.

  But he couldn’t stand still for long. It was like he was standing barefoot on a carpet of hot coals.

  “What are we waiting for?” he said. “Please, I’m feeling very claustrophobic right now.”

  “I told you,” Eda said. “Timing. I have to be sure that Lucia’s had enough time to get downstairs and move the cart. Try not to freak out alright? As long as we’re quiet, Shay and the others will stay on the other side of the suite. Unless they mess with the routine of course…”

  David looked horrified. “What are you talking about?”

  “Nothing,” Eda said. “Forget it.”

  She threw the black dress on the bed and pulled out her sweater and khakis from the bedroom closet. She put them on and then wrapped the rain cloak over the top, zipping it up tight.

  “Second time lucky,” she said, looking down at her old clothes.

  Eda grabbed her backpack and fastened it over her shoulders. Then she picked up her boots and tucked them under her arm.

  “Take your shoes off,” she whispered over to David. “We’re going to have to sneak out as quietly as possible.”

  David did as he was told.

  Eda unzipped the backpack at the front and pulled out her dagger. She brushed her finger over the sharp blade and promised herself that she would never come back to the Presidential Suite. Whatever happened, her career as Helen of Troy was over.

  Eda pointed to the empty scabbard hanging off David’s belt. “Where’s your sword?” she asked.

  “Downstairs,” he said. “I wasn’t allowed to bring it up with me.”

  “But you kept your scabbard on?” Eda said.

  “It’s kind of hard to take off,” David said.

  Eda smiled. “I hope you’re a fast runner.”

  She tiptoed across the bedroom. Opening the door slowly, she peered towards the living room. The apartment appeared to be deserted.

  Eda turned and nodded at David, silently mouthing ‘let’s go’.

  They crept into the living room.