Rick Cantelli, P.I. (Rick Cantelli, P.I. Detectives Book 1)

by Bernard DeLeo

  “Do I need to arrest you, Rick?”

  “You’ll never take me alive, copper,” I replied. “I guess you heard about my latest adventure.”

  “Why do you think we’re setting records tonight? You saw the line outside. Everyone asks if you’re coming in. Look around you, Rick.” Tim gestured at the people sitting at the tables near them. He lowered his voice to a whisper. “They’ve come to see killer Cantelli.”

  “Where did you get that?” Okay, that’s not funny. I thought it was just that idiot’s attempt at baiting me in the fitness center. I hadn’t figured on the headline from the newspaper being translated into that distasteful nickname. You see, it may appear to be neat having a moniker like ‘Killer Cantelli’, but in our business, it leads to the wrong people taking it as a challenge.

  Sally handed me one of our local Hollywood entertainment rags. It had a picture of Karen and me with Jadie on one of our past Casablanca nights with the headline ‘Killer Cantelli Plays Rick on Casablanca Nights’. They covered the shootout and bust of the meth lab under the completely unrelated headline. It ended with ‘Rick Cantelli plays a fictional character at Rick’s Café, but lives a far more dangerous life in reality’. When I finished scanning the paper my friends were all staring at me, including Lois, who was doing more cackling than staring.

  “For a second there, you even looked like Bogart with that sour expression,” Lo said. “Maybe we better go get seated at our table. I see Bill Staley and his wife there already.”

  Karen signed a last autograph, and took my arm. “That’s a good idea Rick. The women around here look like they’re thinking impure thoughts about Killer Cantelli.”

  Oddly enough, she was right. Suddenly, all this café hype didn’t seem like such a good idea. “Let’s do this. Why are you looking at me like I just shot your dog, Jadie?”

  “I’m in my character,” Jadie/Ilsa replied. She took my other arm and we followed the Collinswoods and Madigans through a host of well wishers. “Oh hell, Rick. I thought I’d break you down sooner or later when Karen wasn’t around, especially since Stacy’s gone. Now, you go and get in another shootout, and suddenly I’m competing with a host of Rick groupies.”

  “If you really need a geezer to fulfill your wildest desires, kid, there’s a room full of them panting every time you take a step in that dress.”

  “Yeah, but they’re not Killer Cantelli, right Karen?”

  I did a double take at Jadie, and then turned on Karen. I could see Lois trying to edge her busybody butt back toward me. “Are you telling tales out of class, Karen.”

  She blushed, and then pointed an accusing finger at Jadie. “I can tell you don’t keep your word, you snot. Forget about any further revelations of any kind.”

  I felt a vibe going through this conversation I did not like at all. I traded glances with Lois, which confirmed I wasn’t the only one. “Okay… calm down here. We are a business. The fastest way to doom it is for you two delving into a goofy criteria that neither of you have any control over. Get me?”

  “I shouldn’t have said anything, Rick, but-”

  “But nothing Jadie. I’m old enough to be your father. I’m not in the age range you should even be thinking about. Granted, there is some kind of a weird interplay where you might have some strange attraction for me. Okay! I am too old for you! Forget about your business partner’s involvement with me. She’s too young for me too! Good Lord… why aren’t both of you hunting down some young stud to fulfill your wildest fantasy? This is just getting weird.”

  I walked away from them to the bar. Jerry Newhouse was behind the bar. He smiled at me. “Hey Rick, how you doin’?”

  “One step ahead of the posse, brother. Give me a double Bushmills, Jer, without comment.”

  Jerry laughed, seeing the entourage following me to the bar. He poured the drink with expertise. “You’re not going to be alone for long, Rick.”

  I glanced back in time to see Lois curtail my following with but a brief ‘mean girl’ stare. She continued on to my side. I sipped my Bushmills while she indicated she wanted the same. She held her shot glass up.

  “Here’s to us, Skippy. Don’t go mental on me.”

  I clicked glasses with her. We’re family.

  “The girls are finally doing a number on you, huh partner?”

  I sipped the Bushmills while thinking back over the months passed since Stacy contacted me. “If I’d only known about dead bodies attracting women, I would have shot more people when I was younger.”

  That line nearly made Lo spill her drink. I smiled and sipped. A couple minutes passed until my partner could speak.

  “You’re right, Skippy. Ever since Kneepad arrived, you’ve had to draw on more bad guys than James Bond. Maybe getting married a few decades ago would have been a good idea.”

  I shrugged. That ship sailed long ago for a variety of reasons, the main one being I like being alone. “Marriage wasn’t for me, Lo. I admit it’s getting a little goofy with all the attention I’m getting from women. Stacy at least was my own age. This seduction thing with someone Jadie’s age makes me queasy. It’s fun when we’re joking around, trading one liners, but even dating Karen is a stretch for me.”

  “After Stacy hired those two schmucks to work you over at the fitness center, I can at last cross her off my bucket list of people I need to shoot in the head.”

  I nodded in agreement. “Small doubt about that. She’s gone around the proverbial bend. Hell, if either of us sees her again, we’ll have to draw and fire in self defense.”

  “Sweet Jesus… that’s a shot I’d take. C’mon, Bogey, you need to say hi to some of your adoring fans. Then we’ll get seated. I’m sure Staley has some good one liners for you tonight.”

  “Yep. I’m done whinin’. Let’s have some fun.”

  I traded hellos with anyone who wanted my Bogey at their table for a few seconds. The café was growing on me in leaps and bounds. With the more subtle lighting, old movie memorabilia, and forties big band music with jazz mixed in, the Rick’s Casablanca Café did indeed help my mental outlook. We reached our table, a big one to seat guests like Bill Staley and his wife, plus Frank and Lois, Karen and Jadie, and of course me. The Collinswoods still ran things so they were back at work. I had to sit facing the rest of the room with Karin and Jadie on either side. I eased into my seat so as not to aggravate my bruised back. The double Bushmills worked right down to my toes after the workout at the fitness center. A twenty something waitress named Katy set another double in front of Lois and I.

  “Everyone else has drinks, Rick, so Jerry sent these over for you and Lois.”

  “Thanks, Katy. Tell Jer there’s a special place in heaven for incredibly good bartenders like him.”

  Katy laughed. “I’ll tell him. Let me know whenever you all are ready to order.”

  “We will, Katy,” Lois said. “Give us a couple minutes more.”

  “Sure, Lo. Just wave.” Katy went back to work.

  Staley eyeballed me with a big smile. “I think you’re letting your fictional portrayal start to run a tab on reality, Killer.”

  “Not by choice, Bill.

  “I know that, buddy,” Staley replied. “I’m sure you’ve already considered how your notoriety will affect your safety.”

  Boy, have I. “Yep. I’m thinking of moving to Idaho.”

  Lois and Frank enjoyed the hell out of that declaration. They’ve heard my soliloquy on survival training in the Seals. The main reason I live in a plush place like San Diego is because I’d had my fill of roughing it, inside and outside of combat. Lois tried to stop laughing long enough to jab me with the sharp point of her wit, but it took a while. In the meantime, everyone else started laughing because she was.

  “I can picture it now,” Lo said finally, mimicking the outside of a picture frame with her hands. “It’ll be like that old ‘Jeremiah Johnson’ movie with Robert Redford. Instead of Crow Indians coming for you one at a time, it’ll be gangbangers. Every day
it will be a different gang color coming at you. You’ll be famous, Rick.”

  They yucked it up some more over that one. I didn’t mind, but I admit to wondering what that kind of notoriety brings with it. I could see Madigan and Cantelli doing well, along with the restaurant. I could also imagine drive-by execution attempts on my old ass. Katy came back over, took all our orders, and served our meals in good order. For the next hour the subject shifted to Karen’s career and how much Jadie’s fitness center had prospered from the connection to the café while we ate. Even Lois held herself in check. I made a mental note to jam a couple double Bushmills into my partner from now on.

  “This is the best I’ve felt for a long time,” Karen said. “I thought I’d be tired and frazzled trying to do workouts and spend time in the café along with my career, but it’s just the opposite. I don’t have to worry about my weight or appearance with the workouts, and the café is making it into the entertainment pages all the time.”

  “Having the café bar installed at the fitness center is incredible,” Jadie added. “With the added tables for people to do their browsing and social interaction while taking a break, the membership has doubled. All of my workout classes are at max. How’s the security business, Lo?”

  “It would be phenomenal if I could clone Cantelli. Everyone that calls in wants the Killer to meet with them personally. Otherwise, we’re doing very well. If we can keep him out of prison and the obituary pages, we should have a banner year.”

  Okay, that was funny. I nodded in agreement. Karen stroked the inside of my thigh while laughing with the rest of our guests. She hadn’t called in a few days to summon me over as an escort or to simply hang out. That Lois billed her every time she found out, pissed Karen off, which of course was Lois’s reason for doing it. The only thing that bothered me about it was how Lois pulled off knowing when I spent time with Karen. I figured she had to be hacking into my OnStar. I planned to visit Karen in the near future by alternate means.

  Jadie noticed Karen’s extra attention, and added some of her own on the inside of my other leg. You know why this goofy pheromone thing with women really pisses me off? Where the hell was it when I was a strapping young Navy Seal? Sure, I dated, and had relationships with women who cared for me, but no attention from women like Karen and Jadie, or Shelly for that matter. I had killed a hell of a lot more than four back in those days. I was our team’s sniper, and brothers and sisters, if kills would have gotten me new loves, I’d have been one of the most popular lotharios in the world. Sorry. I’m buzzed, so I’m thinking in too abstract of a basis. It’s the hype. I’m an official question category on Jeopardy now. Then it happened.

  Two men charged through the front door, knocking people flat. They carried automatic rifles, and wore facemasks of Hillary Clinton. I was in the middle of a slight and real good buzz, but I drew in the split second where you survive or you die. I double tapped each one through the head as if I were in the same hostage scenario we trained thousands of hours for back in the day when I was a Seal.

  The hush of death arrived for a pause in reality. There were no screams, movement, or shouts of outrage. Only the eerie silence of gunfire’s aftermath remained. I ran for the door, with Lois on my six, knowing what I was thinking – there had to be a driver. I’m certain Bill Staley was close behind Lois. As the screams, gasps, and outrage swelled around me, I cleared the front entrance just as a black van screeched to a halt in front of our entrance, saw me streaking out, and tried punching the gas to get away. I shot four times through the front windshield, shattering the glass, and convincing the driver his only exit was death. He stopped the van and put his hands on top of his head without being asked. I pulled him out of the front seat by his shirtfront with sirens approaching, and threw him face first on the ground.

  “I got him, Rick.” Bill cuffed him while Lois and I watched for a secondary team.

  The PD showed proper attention by arriving with a small army. Staley stared at me with a very strange look as he collected my Ruger 9mm once again. “I know you didn’t have anything to do with it, Rick, but do you have a guess as to what the hell that was about?”

  Fair question. “Other than the meth lab bust, I don’t have a clue.”

  Lois walked closer and kicked our perp in the ribs. “Walk away for a few moments, Bill. I have my propane torch and pliers in the car. I’ll find out what the canary here has to say about what happened.”

  “No!” The canary turned a terrified face toward Lois. “I…I’m just the driver.”

  “Who hired you and the dead guys inside?” Bill had managed to keep a straight face at Lois’s offer, but just barely. I could tell the adrenaline was shooting through him too from the near death experience.

  “They’re dead?” The canary didn’t like that news. “Both of them?”

  “Yep. That puts you in line for two murder charges for participation in a felony resulting in death,” Staley clued canary in. “You might be able to get your part down to just the driver, but what you tell us better be some mind boggling information.”

  Bill read him his rights, which he acknowledged. We helped him to his feet. “Can you two stay right here while I organize this fiasco?”

  “Sure, Bill. Want Lois and me to go in and take a look at the faces.”

  “Not yet.” Staley held out his hand to me. It was trembling only slightly. “Thanks, Rick.”

  I shook his hand. “Can I hope it wasn’t about me?”

  Bill chuckled as he walked away with the canary. “You can hope.”

  Frank had approached carefully, and hugged Lois to him. “Well, we had a Casablanca night we won’t forget any time soon. That was incredible, Rick. Those guys didn’t get off a single shot.”

  I’d noticed. “It meant they hadn’t been prepared to kill, Frank. We’ll have to find out why they weren’t. It will have a lot to do with why they were there in the first place.”

  “You better believe it,” Lois agreed. “We’re not letting this go until we know what the story is. If they were there to take Rick out, they sure as hell picked the dumbest place on earth to do it. I’m not buying it. This may still have to do with the real estate outfit Julio and his gang tried to front for.”

  Lois paused, smiling at me from Frank’s arms. “That was some fine ass reaction time and shootin’ for a geezer.”

  “I didn’t know what they had planned, but I didn’t want to find out from face down on the floor. I’m glad we got to eat after we slugged those shots down or that’s probably where we would have found out from.” I looked toward the restaurant. The PD was keeping everyone inside the restaurant, not that anyone but Frank would have run out past those bodies.

  “This restaurant business is turning out to be more exciting than I had planned,” Frank entertains us with the understatement of the year.

  “One unintended consequence might come of it. This might chill out my sexy entourage.”

  Lois and Frank laughed.

  “I hope Bill has it in mind to check the credentials of any bigwigs in there. It couldn’t have been a robbery. Hell, I’d rob a bank or one of those Indian Casinos rather than bust into a restaurant full of people. It’s just plain nuts.”

  “Like you already said, Rick, they weren’t prepared to shoot,” Lois added. “I’m thinking hostages, blackmail, or a message.”

  “Shit!” There was another card on the table. “High profile snatch and grab?”

  Lois nodded. “Should be easy to find out once we get the ID’s of the two gunmen. Their target would tie in then.”

  I pointed out the obvious. “It might be an easier time than that once Staley lets us in to look around.”

  “I get you,” Lois acknowledged while Frank wore his completely confused look. “We walk in there and everyone checks us out except for our target.”

  “Exactly.”

  “You two do know you’re both nuts, right?”

  “I wish I could argue with you on that point, Frank,” I admitte
d with Lois cackling next to him. You’ll see what we mean. Every head will bob in our direction when we walk in except for who Lo and I think may know something more about those guys who spoiled our dinner.”

  “Here comes Bill.” Lois moves next to me. “He looks confused.”

  Yeah. Welcome to my life. “We’ll stick with our plan. I know we’re on the right track. You can help us when we get in there, Frank.”

  “Will do, brother. Anything but gunfire I can deal with. How about I look right, Lo looks left, and you watch center?”

  “I like it. Hey, Bill, any luck?”

  Staley shook his head in the negative. “Sorry, Rick. There’s just no one in there of any notoriety except Karen. Nabbing her in a crowded restaurant makes no sense. They could have moved on her coming out of Jadie’s workout center a hell of a lot easier. The same goes for the rest of us. We’re all out in the public with easy to find work places. I doubt they knew a police detective was even in the audience. The driver clammed up after seeing his dead friends. I’m thinking finding out the ID’s and finances on those three will reveal something. Any thoughts?”

  “We have a plan, Bill.” Lois explained what we had in mind.

  “At this point I’ll give anything a shot. The faster we move on this the better our chances of getting who ordered it. I’m still liking you for it, Killer.”

  “Ha… ha… very funny. You lead the way, Bill, but keep the pace slow. I’ll follow, with Lois and Frank behind me. We’ll watch for our target in the areas Frank outlined.”

  We entered the restaurant through the throng of uniformed police. Bill strolled toward the rear at a leisurely pace. The patrons and police inside quieted perceptively as we walked in sight. As Lois and I figured, every set of eyes were on us - every set but one. Lois yanked on my coat. When I stopped and turned, she was pointing at a woman in her late thirties, dressed in revealing black thigh high evening apparel, her blonde hair hung in waves over bare shoulders. She studiously looked off toward the front, while both nervous looking escorts with her at the table stared at us.