Where You Can Find Me

by Cole, Fiona

  “Admit it. Admit it and I’ll let you come. Tell me you loved having him watch you.”

  I didn’t want to. I couldn’t. There was having sex with a stranger and then there was admitting something about yourself you didn’t even know how to process. He pulled his hand away and slowed his movements, causing a panic to bloom in my chest. I was so close. We had come too far to stop now.

  “Don’t stop. Please!” He looked at me with an eyebrow raised, awaiting my answer, and I cracked. “YES!” I shouted. “Yes, I liked it. I liked him wanting me. I liked him watching you fuck me. Are you happy, JACK!?”

  “Fuck, yes!”

  His pace picked up and his thumb returned to my clit. The bathroom filled with our moans and the slapping sounds of our bodies coming together with each thrust. The moment he roughly pinched my clit I began to come. I felt everything in my body clench tight in anticipation of falling over. A moan was torn from my chest as I lost my breath. I felt it everywhere. I became light-headed as a tingling spread through my fingers and toes, black spots dancing in front of my eyes. “Jack!”

  Jack buried his head in my neck and groaned as he came. We both clung to each other, gasping for breath, holding onto the moment neither one of us seemed to want to let go.

  I wanted to say something profound for what had just happened but I couldn’t think. I didn’t want to. I was saved from formulating the appropriate comment when Jack spoke first.

  “We better get dressed before someone else comes in.” He slowly pulled out and removed the condom, tossing it in the trash.

  I cooled down instantly, the rush of power that carried me through the night earlier replaced with an awkward clumsiness. It resembled any other rush or high; while it was happening, nothing could go wrong, you could do no wrong-all decisions were the right ones. But when the high receded, you were left with an aftermath you were unsure of what to do with.

  Fuck! What do I do with this?

  Once he was done getting dressed he helped me fasten my dress. My eyes remained glued to the floor unable to look up at him.

  He placed his hands on my cheeks and lifted my face, probably seeing the panic and questions. “Hey, it’s okay.” His simple words rang of deep sincerity.

  His eyes sent a small measure of calm through me. They held both satisfaction and curiosity. Almost like he was amused by my nervousness and wondering what I was going to do about it.

  “Can I get your name?” he asked with a chuckle.

  I paused. Hesitating for some unknown reason. Probably from shame since he still didn’t know it.

  He raised his eyebrows encouraging me to answer.

  “Luella,” I whispered.

  His smile grew as he held a hand out to me as if offering to shake it. “Well, hi Luella. I’m Jack. It’s nice to officially meet you.”

  I placed my hand in his as the door opened again. I stepped away from Jack not wanting a repeat performance.

  “Oh, shit man. Sorry. I didn’t mean to mess you up,” the guy stated with a drunken laugh backing up to the door.

  “No, no. That’s okay. We were just talking. I’m leaving now.” I rushed out the door with a parting “thank you” to Jack. He called out my name, but I was officially crashing from my high. My body began trembling and I knew I needed to get the hell out. Now.

  I was graced in that moment because Evie was with her catch of the night, making out by the entryway. I quickly grabbed her shoulder, and let her know I wasn’t feeling well and was going home.

  She offered to accompany me, but I didn’t want to ruin her night. With a hug and good luck wishes, we parted ways.

  Once I arrived home, I decided right away not to shower. While I was freaked about what I had done, I was not ready to wash it away just yet. So with the smell of sex clinging to me, I fell asleep dreaming of bright eyes and dirty words.

  Chapter Four

  Winter Winds - Mumford and Sons

  I barely slept that whole week. The sporadic sleep I did get was interrupted by dreams of the way his calloused hands felt on me. The words he spoke to me. The way he claimed me. His brilliant blue eyes haunted my dreams in the best way as I remembered the desire burning in them.

  But what kept me awake after the dreams was the indecision about the way I felt about it all.

  I first felt shame for having sex with a complete stranger in public. But then I remembered the way I felt when it happened. The rush of power. The strength of sexual energy and his attraction to me. It ran through me and lifted me up. It made me carelessly want to do it again. But did I want to with him, or with anyone? It felt like something I could be addicted to and I had already learned the hard way to steer clear of addicting habits. Regardless, we hadn’t exchanged contact information, so I wouldn’t be seeing him any time soon. Crisis—and possible addiction—averted.

  So there I was, after a long work week with no sleep, my cart rattling down the aisles of the liquor store.

  That’s right, I was using a shopping cart at the liquor store.

  I had a glass or two of wine every night after work and needed to replenish my stash. The pallet wine rack that hung on my kitchen wall looked sad and empty. The various bottles of wine in my cart rolled and clanged against one another as my phone beeped with an incoming text message. I pulled it from my pocket as I turned down the Moscato aisle.

  Jameson: Why don’t we get together for dinner this Sunday? It’s been awhile since we sat down with —

  My phone fell to the ground as my cart came to a jarring stop. My wine bottles toppled over, producing a chorus of clangs as they fell into one another. Looking up, I hoped to see I’d run into an aisle or end cap, but my hopes were dashed, meeting the broad chest of a man.

  Awesome.

  Fortunately, it looked like his beer hadn’t been dislodged from his arms. As I raised my hands, plastering an apologetic smile on my face, I said, “I’m so sorry, I looked down for just a second and didn’t watch where I was going and … oh, my goodness. I’m so …”

  My eyes locked on a very familiar, brilliant blue pair of eyes.

  Oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

  “Ohhh shhhit,” I dragged it out, prolonging the horror that was my life at that moment.

  “Why, hello Luella. Fancy meeting you here.” Jack stared at me, his lips tilting up at the right corner. His eyes crinkled and almost gleamed in satisfaction.

  I knew I looked like a deer in headlights, and probably stopped blinking until he started speaking. My eyes were drying out and still all that fell from my lips was another, “Oh shit.” Except this time it came out as more of a whisper.

  “I’m not going to lie, this isn’t usually the type of response I get after running into a woman I’ve been so … intimate with. But then again, they also don’t usually run out on me after such a thorough fuck.”

  His lips stretched to a full on smile now. Although I knew he was laughing at me, I couldn’t help but think about how damn hot he was. My dreams just didn’t do him justice. Standing before me, wearing black slacks, a dark navy t-shirt and a black leather jacket, I was frozen, staring.

  My mind screamed at me, holy shit woman, SPEAK!

  “Hi?” A question. I literally said “hi” as a question. I shook my head trying to clear it. “ I mean, hi, Jack.” I attempted a smile, but I felt like it was coming off almost maniacal and scared. “Yeah … fancy meeting you here too. How crazy that we would run into each other. Ever again. I mean not that the chances are non-existent, but they are slim. And yet, here were are at a liquor store. Buying alcohol. Crazy. Not crazy that you drink … “ And so it began: the word vomit. I couldn’t even make eye contact anymore. With a breathless laugh, I looked anywhere but at him, sure that word vomit was the least of my worries. “I mean obviously you drink. You have that case of beer. And here I am with my drinks. All the wine.” I gestured wildly with my arms. “I mean, not all the wine. I’m not an alcoholic. I mean I’ve tried drinking myself to death, but it isn’t all it�
��s cracked up to be.” Cue awkward, high-pitched, borderline insane laugh.

  I looked up to see the damage done. Although he wasn’t laughing out loud, his eyes were laughing.

  “Oh, shit.”

  I dropped my head, ashamed of my awkwardness and a little alarmed that I made a joke about being an alcoholic.

  Suddenly, a hand was on my chin, lifting my face to look at him. Somewhere during my rambling he had set his case of beer down on the floor and stepped much closer to me. His laughing eyes were replaced with thoughtful ones. We both looked at each other with intense, unspoken questions. Surprisingly, it was not at all uncomfortable.

  “Luella.” God! The way he said my name, his voice deep. “Why did you run away?”

  I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, trying to figure out how to express the panic I felt at that moment. When I opened them, they connected with his. The mood changed so quickly. Our comfortable intensity morphed into a seriousness that showed how bothered he felt by my departure. In an almost whisper, I admitted, “I’ve never done anything like that before.”

  Understanding crossed his features. He took a step closer and raised his other hand to brush the hair away from my face. The noisy hum from the refrigerator, the people milling about the store, the clinking of glass bottles... it all fell away as I stood in our own little bubble. What was it with this man that took control of me?

  “Would you believe me if I told you I have never done anything like that before?”

  “I can tell you that I would like to believe you.” Even if I don’t. I wasn’t really sure yet.

  When I stepped back, he released me from his grip. “Well how about this? We purchase our beverages and I take you out to eat. Have you eaten yet?” I shook my head no. “Good. Let’s get dinner and we can get to know each other better because, Luella,” he paused and leaned down to grab his beer, waiting for me to look at him again, “I can tell you I want to get to know you so much more. And I would like for you to know me well enough to believe me.”

  I bit my bottom lip and hesitated for a second. So many pros and cons fought for dominance through my mind and I was sure he could see the trepidation on my face, but in the end, I wanted this and I hadn’t taken nearly enough opportunities for myself lately. I nodded and softly responded, “Okay.” And then, a little more loudly, “Sure.”

  “Great! Do you like the brewery in Fountain Square?” I nodded. “Okay, then. Let’s make our purchases and then I can drive us.”

  “Oh, well I need to take my car home first. Would you mind picking me up there?” As soon as the words left my mouth I second-guessed them. If he picked me up from home, then he would know where I lived. What if he turned out to be crazy? What if I went missing because he was crazy and knew where I lived?

  “Sure, I’ll follow you home.”

  Shaking myself out of that line of thought, I headed toward the check-out. I’d been watching the news too much lately when I couldn’t sleep. They had found Angela Clemmons’ body earlier that week, left outside one of the many abandoned factories in downtown Cincinnati. Not much information was given on the case, but so far no suspects were named and the rumors about the body were not that of a fairy tale. My stomach lurched at the thought of all the possibilities.

  “I’ll follow you home. I’m in the black truck.” Jack pulled me out of dark thoughts as I headed to my car and left for home. I could drive myself crazy always looking at everyone as though they were a killer, wondering if they were looking at me to be their next victim. I tried not to let my fear of being a single woman alone rule me, but I did respect that fear enough to make smart decision. Even though I didn’t know much about Jack, other than how I felt powerful and aroused around him, I did know that I felt safe knowing it was his headlights that shined in my rearview mirror. I went with that feeling over all else.

  Chapter Five

  I Lived - OneRepublic

  After pulling into my driveway, I grabbed my case of wine from the passenger seat and waved to Jack to wait when he began to exit his car. Though I felt strangely safe around him, I wasn’t stupid enough to let him in my house alone until I knew him better. Jameson taught me self-defense but I tried not to put myself in situations where it might be needed. I mean, other than the time I had sex with a stranger in a bathroom at a club.

  Other than those times.

  Checking myself in the mirror by the door, I finger combed my hair and added lip gloss. Thankfully I had just come from work and wasn’t in my usual yoga pants. I wore a pair of skinny jeans with flat lace-up boots and a baggy cardigan over a loose black and white gingham button up. That was the nice thing about working in a lab; you didn’t have to wear office attire.

  Before I left, I sent a quick message to Evie to inform her of my date and asked her to check in with me later to make sure no one had killed me.

  I ran out the door and made my way around to the passenger side of the truck. Standing at a whopping five-two, I was silently thankful for the running board to assist me. I made myself comfortable on the leather seat and buckled up, turning to look at him once I settled.

  Jack stared at me like he was remembering what I looked like naked. A blush began to warm my cheeks and I looked away feeling like an idiot.

  “Ready?” he asked with a laugh in his question.

  “Yeah.”

  A neutral silence settled around us on the drive. I was horribly uncomfortable in quiet situations and the more quiet it got, the louder it felt, until I caved and tried to fill the void.

  “So …” Do you come here often? Mentally rolling my eyes at my lame idea of a conversation starter, I shut down that train of thought . “How long have you lived in Cincinnati?”

  “A few years. I have a buddy that lives here, so I figured I would give it a shot at making it home.” He glanced over at me. “How about you?”

  “Most of my life. A couple moves when I was younger, but I’ve been here for about fifteen years.”

  “It’s a good place. I can’t say I have any regrets about my move.”

  We continued talking about the pros and cons of Cincinnati for the rest of the drive. The conversation flowed easily and I started to relax. It might have been one of the weirdest situations I had been in, getting ready to go on an impromptu date with someone I had random public sex with, but in that moment I was content with my choices. I decided to go with the flow and see what happened.

  We parked and made our way up to Fountain Square. The large fountain flowed in the middle of the square, with an ice skating rink in front of it, close to the street. The unseasonably warm November temperature made for an even bigger Friday night crowd. Many of them crammed into the rink and took advantage of being able to skate without all the winter garb. Watching the couples and friends fall and laugh, we made our way to the other side of the fountain and headed to Rock Bottom Brewery.

  Surprisingly, for a Friday night there wasn’t a wait and we were led to our seats. The restaurant was loud but had a relaxing environment, with all the wood wainscoting and low lighting. We were seated in a much quieter spot in the back, behind the glass-enclosed brewing equipment located in the middle of the restaurant. I didn’t know if they used it to actually make beer or it was purely for looks, but it gave me something to look at after I sank down in the soft leather of the booth before picking up my menu. Feeling Jack watch me as I struggled to look at anything except him, I started to feel awkward.

  “What? Do I have something wrong with my hair?” I reached up to bring any strands down. “Don’t you need to look at the menu?”

  “No, I come here often enough with the guys that I know what I want. I’m kind of creature of habit; I tend to get the same thing every time I come.” His head tilted to the side while he studied me as if I was something fascinating. “Do you know that you bite your lip when you’re concentrating?”

  “Oh. Well… Okay. And, um … no. No one has ever pointed that out to me before.” I licked my lips and tried to do ever
ything I could to not bite them. Once he’d pointed it out, it was all I could think about doing.

  “You do. I noticed the other night at the club.”

  We stared at each other, both remembering that night. I couldn’t seem to look away and I wasn’t sure I even wanted to. My face must have shown my remembrance, tinged with a little fear and hesitation. I struggled to accept and comprehend the decisions I had made to get to this point and it took considerable effort to continue going with the flow.

  He, on the other hand, seemed to be having no issue at all with his lifted lips, the fuller bottom one drawing my attention. His mouth opened to speak. “Luella”

  “Hi, I’m Janie and I’ll be your server tonight. Can I get you started off with some drinks?”

  I blinked and pulled my gaze away, taking a deep breath. I turned and smiled at our waitress and ordered a water. Jack ordered a Yuengling and a water.

  “Alright, I’ll give you guys a minute to look over the menu and be back with your drinks. Do you want an appetizer to start out with?”

  Jack looked to me and I shook my head no.

  “No, thank you.”

  Our waitress walked away and I went back to studying the menu, avoiding eye contact.

  “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

  I mentally kicked myself for acting like a scared baby and began spewing words in explanation. “You didn’t. I’m not. I’m just not sure how to proceed from here. I’ve never done anything like this and I have no idea what I’m doing or what I should be doing. I keep thinking of what you could possibly be thinking and wondering what you are doing. I am running in circles in my head and trying to act normal, but this isn’t normal for me and … I’m rambling.”

  Laugh lines appeared as his face split to a full smile. I felt myself melting, his sex appeal causing me to forget my anxiety. “It’s okay. I’m not sure what I’m doing either. I was very disappointed when you ran out on me so when we ran into each other, I decided to take the opportunity to get to know you. It’s fine if you do or don’t do things like this; I’m not judging you. I just want to get to know you. I’m not expecting a repeat of last week, not that I would turn it down.” He gave me a cheesy wink letting me know he was mostly joking. “I’m sure it seems a little backwards, but ... why not? Why not take the opportunity?”