Where You Can Find Me

by Cole, Fiona

  Don’t let him see your fear.

  “Hey, brother. Back so soon? Were you feeling like the mere disgusting asshole you are, so you had to come in here to pretend to be a god?”

  My eyes jerked open to see Grayson’s reaction to Jack’s taunts. I knew Jack was diverting the attention to him. Relief and terror flooded my veins at the concept. The situation had no win for us. Grayson turned his head to look at Jack. The muscle at the side of his jaw ticked before it relaxed and a small smile reached his eyes.

  “I know what you’re doing, Jack. I don’t know why you keep acting like we didn’t go through the same training.” His smirk lifted to a full smile before his laugh vibrated around the room. “You doubt my control. That’s fine. Let me give you a better example.”

  “We did go through the same training; you just happened to fail it. Is that why you are where you are? Because you’re a fucking failure?”

  Grayson’s chest lifted with a deep inhale as if he was trying to not let Jack’s words affect him. He moved to sit at my hip again. My chest vibrated with the pounding of my heart. My vision swam as I stared blankly at the ceiling. My chest rose a little bit faster as I fought the panic. A burning began behind my eyes as I fought off the fear clawing at my body.

  “Look at her, so panicked and coiling away from me. She doesn’t want me to touch her.” His hand settled on my stomach and smoothed high to below my breast and low to above my mound, ignoring Jack’s taunts. “But not too long ago we were all in a similar situation. She flirted with me for months and then willingly spread her legs and let me eat her pussy; fuck her pussy. She let me.” He paused and bile rose in my throat as memories crowded my thoughts. I held it down, not showing any reaction. “People are so damned open. You think you know someone, but let’s be honest. You never really do. Hell, look at you, we have been brothers for over ten years. We are partners. We’ve shared countless women. Some I enjoyed after you left. You never fucking knew. You’re just as ignorant as everyone else. Just as trusting as the next idiot walking the street.”

  “You’re a fucking pussy, trying to rationalize what you do, but you are fucking nothing but a piece of shit.”

  “Call me what you want, Jack. Whatever makes you feel better as you watch me fuck her.”

  My breath stopped in my throat threatening to choke me. I wished it would. I squeezed my eyes shut tight fighting off the terror banging on my fortress.

  I am not here. I am not here. This is not happening. I am not here. I am a castle. I am nothing.

  The words remained on repeat while I blocked it all out. A thump from the wooden chair reached my ears and I knew Jack wildly fought his restraints. Maybe now that he didn’t have to be quiet, he could break his bonds faster. A small ray of hope bloomed in my chest but quickly died out as I felt Grayson shove my knees apart.

  My chest vibrated erratically with sobs I wouldn’t set free. My eyes stayed in the darkness, dancing with white spots I closed them so tightly.

  “You’re a sick fuck who can’t even prey on a man. You have to take advantage of defenseless women,” Jack growled. His voice rose toward the end of his insult, his calm slipping away, his fear palpable, beating against me, forcing me to acknowledge it. I shut it down. My gates closed, my windows boarded up. No fear, not even his, could enter. I became a steel cage.

  But even though my walls remained, they closed in on me, suffocating me, squeezing me.

  “Oh, I preyed on men too. I preyed on them all. A god isn’t prejudiced. He is fair to them all. I spread my power to all.” His voice rang with power and pride. “Now watch as this ‘sick fuck’ fucks your precious Lu.”

  A weight settled on top of me and a mouth latched onto my chest. A forbidden sob broke free and a crack broke in my wall. My thighs were pushed out and squeezed to a point I knew I would bruise. I squeezed my eyes tighter trying frantically to repair my crack.

  “Look at me, beautiful.” His softly spoken words stroked my mind, coaxing me obey. I refused. My lips sealed as broken breaths moved sporadically through my nose. I could hear Jack yelling at Grayson, trying to stop, trying to distract. I knew there would be no stopping or distracting. I prayed for a blank mind. I prayed I would pass out.

  Grayson thrust forward, taking something that didn’t belong to him. I cried out against the sharp pain. He didn’t stop, the pain piercing over and over again. My pride being ripped away, replaced by shame and fear.

  I am not here. I am not here.

  Silent sobs racked my body, my lips remained sealed. He could take this, but I would withhold the sounds of my pain. I would withhold my obedience.

  “Look at me.” His demands shook my mind. I blocked it out, refusing. I shook my head no. I would not give this to him. This was all I had. It was mine.

  His anger increased the force of his penetration, shaking my body. Wet trails of tears fell into my ears. I ignored it all.

  I am not here.

  “Look at me!” A thud pounded through my skull before the full force of pain registered across the left side of my cheek where his fist had connected. A ringing in my ears almost made me open my eyes to assess the damage, but I held strong against the terror trying to tear me apart. Shouting from my left replaced the ringing and brought me back. A painful heat radiated through my cheek and into my eye and jaw.

  A storm of noise brewed all around me. My body shook and angry yells surrounded me and I pushed back. My walls closed in and I held them apart with everything I had. This would not defeat me. I would come out the other side.

  “LOOK AT ME!” Another punch to the same place.

  More yelling from Jack.

  Another demand to open my eyes.

  Another hit. My jaw moved too far over. Things were breaking. This was it.

  My body became numb. My thoughts turned to realizing I may not make it out of this alive. I wasn’t even sure if my eyes were open or closed anymore. Shock settled over me and I finally won as my body settled into the numbness.

  Whack, Whack. Whack.

  One after another. The punches failed to reach me. My body rose above the pain and from behind the barrier of my mind. I really was no longer there.

  When the blankness creeped along the edges of my mind a true fear settled in me. The black smoky hands reached into my mind. I knew I had taken too many hits to the head. I finally realized I wouldn’t make it out of this. I felt sad in a hollow, relieving way. Sad that I wouldn’t make it. Sad for Jameson and Evie, the only family I had. Sad for Jack because he would have to finish alone.

  Just before the darkness closed in, a loud crash rang out through the room and the heavy weight lifted from me. It was too late, though.

  With the last thought of knowing Jack would make it out alive bringing relief, I let go of the remaining light and allowed the darkness to swallow me.

  Epilogue

  Hold Back the River - James Bay

  “Jameson, help Jack with that last box,” I yelled from the open front door.

  “Which box?” he yelled back.

  “The one marked ‘bedroom.’ If you aren’t sure, just open it up. It should have all of our sex toys inside. Beware of the anal beads, though.”

  “Lu, you’re fucking disgusting.”

  “Hey, don’t judge a girl for her anal beads. Some girls are into it. Hell, I got them for her,” Evie said with a wink in Jameson’s direction. He stomped off, mumbling about how Evie would be the death of him. I still wasn’t sure what was going on with the two of them. But a heavy tension filled the room every time they were together.

  Strong arms wrapped around my waist from behind. Fear no longer choked me when someone snuck up on me. I no longer recoiled when someone touched me. Jack’s lips sucked on my ear and a deep rumble vibrated from his chest to my back. “Are you sure this is what you want, Lu? Because once I’m here, I’m not backing out. You’ll need a court order to remove me from this house.”

  I closed my eyes and leaned back into his warmth, happiness for
ming a smile on my lips. It had been a little over a year since Grayson had been caught. Since we had been rescued. Since I had almost died. And today, Jack was moving in with me.

  My chest expanded with the joy of being able to have him with me. The previous year would forever be one of the hardest I would ever have. Jack told me that as soon as I blacked out, he managed to get his ropes untied and get Grayson off of me. A little after that, the cops arrived. It had been about two in the afternoon. Shane received the DNA results at noon and tried to get a hold of Jack immediately. He didn’t wait for a response before checking out Grayson’s apartment. When someone reported back that Jack’s car was at Grayson’s building he had a gut instinct to act quickly.

  They didn’t get there soon enough to stop Jack from killing Grayson. I knew that Jack struggled with a lot of guilt for the longest time. I felt no remorse at all, just a weightless joy at the thought of Grayson being beaten to death.

  After we had been rescued, I was rushed to the hospital where I spent the next three months in a coma. I almost died a couple of times due to swelling in my brain. They worried about brain damage or memory loss, but when I woke up, I remembered everything. Anger settled over me while I finally tried to process it all. Anger at Grayson for getting off with a measly death. He deserved to suffer. The case went to court just so they could put it in the books and give retribution to the families of everyone who lost a loved one. What a hollow retribution. But it wasn’t my place to decide.

  On top of everything else, I couldn’t be around Jack. I couldn’t be touched by family. Shame hung like a dark cloud over me, a reminder of what was taken from me. Jameson and Evie would try to come visit me, but the pity in their eyes as I recoiled from their hugs sickened me and made the anger grow.

  Jack stood by my side and wouldn’t let my fear push him back until my rage forced him away in an argument where I yelled obscenities and blame that I didn’t believe. He still hung back in the shadows ready to support me when I was ready, but I needed to get help and stand strong on my own before I let him back in. After two months of therapy, he began to come to my sessions and we started dating again, slowly.

  It progressed from there and my fear became smaller and smaller. I cringed and pulled away less and less at every person’s touch. Jameson and I both sobbed together when we had our family Sunday lunch and I didn’t jerk at his arms wrapping around me. I still attended therapy sessions. The rape left a dark mark on me that was harder to shake than anything else. Jack and I struggled to be intimate for months and only recently began having sex again.

  I vowed to not let it defeat me and take more from me than it already had. I had my quirks now, but I was able to accept my body and be intimate again and that is all I wanted. I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin.

  So a little over a year later, Jack and I were officially moving in together. We decided that he would move into my house because it was bigger and had that amazing closet. His apartment closet wasn’t going to cut it. So when he asked me if I was sure about him moving in, no hesitation seeped in.

  I turned in his arms and wrapped mine around his neck. My fingers intertwined with the longer curls in the back and I pulled his lips to mine for a heated kiss. This was where we belonged.

  This was where I belonged, with the man I love in my arms, and my family surrounding me. This was perfect. This will always be where you can find me.

  The End

  Acknowledgments

  First and foremost, I want to thank my husband and my two girls. Chris, you were understanding and supportive in the only way you could be: hesitantly and with a lot of sarcasm. But, no matter what, you were understanding of all the nights I sat in bed clicking away on my laptop, of all the weekends I sat at the table writing. You listened, or at least pretended to, when I needed to talk about my characters. And you even offered to write some for me. Haha! But most of all, you provide for this family and I never would have been able to even think of writing this book if you hadn’t provided a life that enabled me to stay at home with the girls and write. Thank you for all the sacrifices you make for me and this family. I cherish and love you and our girls.

  My sweet Emma and Madi. I love you both endlessly and hope to God you grow up brave and strong. Madi, thank you for always cheering me on in a way that only a seven year old’s blind faith can. I love you.

  Whitney. Where do I start? This book would have never happened without you. When I came to you countless times saying, “I can’t,” you told me, “You will.” You never let my negativity and doubt last for long. You were always there to push me to actually do this. You taught me the world of writing and introduced me to sprinting. You’re the best sprinting partner I could ask for. Your books give me writing to aspire to, even though you’ll say otherwise. Thank you for taking me under your wing and walking me through this process. Thank you for being my editor and all your snarky comments WHILE you were editing. ;) But most of all, thank you for being the best friend I could ask for. Big things are coming for you and you better believe I’ll be standing there with some Fireball to celebrate. I love you.

  Sanzana, my tiny Canadian who is the most romantic person I know. Your positivity about love is endless and inspiring. I never would have moved past chapter two without you demanding more. Those demands pushed me to keep going when all I had were doubts and questions about what the hell I was doing. One of these days I will meet you. And I will even hug you because I care about you enough to ignore the uncomfortableness. Haha! Thank you for listening to my freak outs and holding down the fort when it got to be too much.

  Celeste Grande, we go way back and to be honest, I would never be here if not for you. You were my introduction to this crazy world of Indies. When I messaged you about beta reading Live Me, I had no idea a year and a half later I would be doing this. Because of you, I met more people than I knew what to do with and I was accepted into a community of fabulous authors and readers. Thank you for being my friend. And I can’t wait for more Blake. We all know he is mine.

  The aforementioned fabulous group of authors includes some of my favorite people ever. Lex Martin, Stephanie Rose, K.L. Grayson, and J.A. Derouen, as soon as you found out I was writing a book, you pushed me and supported me and answered my endless questions. You all inspired me to want to write like you. I love all your books and I am honored to be amongst you.

  Thank you to my beta readers. Kristen Johnson, your notes were my ego booster and helped me feel comfortable with what I wrote. Tina Lynn, you asked some hard questions and made me really think about my story. I almost dreaded seeing your comments because I knew they would be a struggle to fix. But in the end, I knew my book would be better for it. Christina Harris, you are an editor in disguise. You helped me out so much and pushed this book to be better than I could imagine. Your countless messages about what you were feeling while reading was overwhelming in the best way possible. It was my first real feedback and it makes me excited to share it with everyone else. You may have set my expectations too high. Haha! Thank you, all of you!

  To my Assholes. Thank you for giving me a safe place to vent and share and be me without judgment. You are my support team and amazing friends. I hope, one day, we can all get together. I loved all the demands to finish my book and get it to you. I appreciated every time you shared or spread the word about Where You Can Find Me. It’s an odd group, but I am thrilled to be called an Asshole.

  Thank you Najla Qamber Designs for walking me through my first book design and for your patience with all my questions. Thank you for calming me down about the realities of stock photos. I’m glad we stuck with this one, because I am in love with what you created.

  Alexis Durbin, thank you for squeezing me in on your vacation. I feel more confident letting this book out knowing you have proofread it. Your comments were hard, but I always trusted your opinion and knew they were the right decisions to make. You’re an amazing friend.

  Jade Eby, thank you so much for fitting me in a
nd answering all my questions. Even when you were busy, you stopped to explain the formatting process and made some beautiful decisions. Your writing is beautiful and I looked up to the honesty with which you wrote Dirty Proof. It pushed me to write honestly in Where You Can Find Me. Thank you.

  And finally, to everyone who read this. I never in a million years thought I would ever write a book, and yet, here it is. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you come back for more, because as insane as it is … I’m writing another book. And I’ve even started plotting Evie’s book. It’s an addiction and I hope you all loved it! Thank you for taking the time to pick this book up. Without you, these are just words. But you make it a story.

  About Fiona Cole

  I never imagined I would ever write a book. I wasn't even really a reader until the age of twenty. But I picked up a romance and that was it for me. I fell in love. And then one day I stepped into this indie world of books and I started writing. Then I wrote enough to keep going. And then I had a book. Sometimes things happen when you least expect it, but it all falls into place. Writing is it for me.

  I'm a stay at home mom with a degree in chemistry and biology. I LOVE science. If you get me started talking about biochemistry, it's all over. I'll rattle on for days! But I use all that knowledge to take care of my two little girls, mostly while my husband is away being a soldier.

  It's taken me a long time to get here, but I like it... And I think I might stay a while.