A Mother Within Her

by Lady Lissa

  “Lady, look, I’ve never been here before. This is my first abortion, and you don’t know me. Can I please just fill out the necessary paperwork to get this done?” I asked.

  “Fill out the paperwork and when you’re done, bring it back to me.”

  I took the paperwork and took a seat to fill it out. It took me about 15 minutes to fill it out. I took the papers and brought it back to the receptionist. I was grateful that there wasn’t anyone else in here, which is probably why they were taking me.

  “Ma’am, you can come back now.”

  I walked to the back area and was led to a room. The room was a doctor’s office, I assumed. I sat down and a woman in a white coat came to sit across from me. “Good morning, Takiyah. My name is Doctor Ashbury and I’m the counselor here.”

  “I don’t need any counseling. I already know what I need to do. So just take me wherever I need to go to get it done!” I said.

  “This is part of the procedure, ma’am. We have to give you some form of counseling to make sure you understand what’s about to happen to you,” she said.

  “Look lady, I’m waiving my rights to be counseled. I don’t need you to try and talk me out of doing something I need to do,” I said.

  “Well, when you say need, that leads me to believe that you aren’t making this decision yourself,” she said as she smiled at me. “I’m just here to make sure that you’re making the best decision…”

  I leaned closer to the desk, so she could look right in my face. “I am making the best decision that I want to make. Now, I don’t need you to try and talk to me or counsel me. Just do what you need to do to expedite this matter. Okay?” I asked through clenched teeth as I glared at her.

  “Okay. I’ll just need you to sign this waiver saying that you refused counseling and I’ll take you to the exam room.”

  “Then, give me the damn papers so I can sign them and we can get this over with!” I barked. I didn’t mean to be rude, but she was really pushing me.

  Her hands shook as she filled out the papers on her desk. She slid them over to me and I signed them before sliding the papers back to her. She stood up from the chair and I followed behind her. She opened the door to one of the exam rooms and stepped aside. “A nurse will be right with you,” she said.

  She closed the door and a couple of minutes later, a nurse walked in. She reached under the exam table and pulled out a gown and sheet. “First, we’ll need to do an ultrasound…”

  “Ultrasound? What I gotta do an ultrasound for?” I asked.

  “To confirm the pregnancy…”

  “Confirm the pregnancy? You think I’d be here if I didn’t know that I was pregnant?” I dug in my purse and pulled out the slip the doctor gave me. “Here,” I said as I thrusted the paper at her.

  “What’s this?” she asked as she opened it.

  “Confirmation of the damn pregnancy! Now, let’s get this shit over with!” I barked.

  As she read over the paper, she said, “We’ll still need to do an ultrasound to determine how far along you are.”

  “Damn! All that just to get the lil shit out of me, huh?” I leaned back against the table and rolled my eyes.

  “I need you to remove all your clothing, put this gown on, and cover yourself with this sheet. The doctor will be in soon,” the nurse said with an uneasy look on her face. Soon after, she walked out of the room.

  I did as she asked and removed my shirt, skirt, bra, and panties. I put the gown on and climbed on the exam table. As I waited for the doctor to come, my nerves kicked in again. I began to twiddle my thumbs the way my grandmother used to do. Finally, the nurse walked in followed by a doctor. He was a middle-aged man with salt and pepper hair. I felt a little funny about having another man between my legs, but I knew he was there to do a job.

  “Good afternoon, Miss…”

  “Skip the pleasantries, doc. Just do what you need to do to get this baby out of me!”

  I was tired of all these people trying to make small talk with me. They were here to do a job, so they needed to just do it. I laid back on the table and waited for the doctor to do his job.

  “While I understand the reason that you are here, I still need to do my job. I need to make sure that you understand what is going to take place here,” he said.

  “I know what I came here to do.”

  “Well, we’ll do the ultrasound first,” he said as he squirted some cool gel on my belly. He ran the wand over my belly and asked, “Do you want to see your baby?”

  “Hell no! Why the hell would I want to see a baby I came to take out of my body?” I asked as I shook my head. “Boy, y’all muthafuckas here, I’ll tell ya.”

  “Well, from the looks of the ultrasound, you’re right at eight weeks. So, it is safe to do the procedure,” he said.

  “Then can we get on with it?”

  The nurse wiped the gel from my stomach and cleaned off the wand. Once he did that, he started explaining some other shit to me. “Well, this is the machine I will be using to suck the fetus out. I will be giving you a mild anesthetic to put you to sleep during the procedure. When you awaken, there will be some discomfort, but nothing to worry about. I’m going to give you a couple of prescriptions; one for pain and an antibiotic to prevent infection,” he said.

  “Infection?” I asked, becoming alarmed.

  “As with any procedure, there is a risk for infection. But the chances are slim to none.”

  “How long will I experience this discomfort?”

  “Everyone recovers differently. You may be well in a couple of days, but it could take a little longer. It just depends on your body,” the doctor informed me.

  “Am I gonna be restricted from working?”

  “You should probably rest for the next couple of days. As long as you aren’t doing any heavy lifting, you should be fine. Do you have any more questions or concerns before I get started?”

  “No, I’m just ready to get this over with!” I said.

  “Very well,” he said as the nurse grabbed an oxygen mask. She placed the mask on my face as the doctor instructed me to count backwards starting from 20. I didn’t know how long that mask was on my face, but I felt sleep enveloping me before I was done counting down to one.

  When I woke up, I was in their little recovery room and my body felt like shit. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought about the measures I had just taken to avoid motherhood. I wasn’t crying because I had the abortion. I was crying because Iman and I would have to be super careful when we had sex now. Being super careful kind of took the fun out of sex, ya know? But I was going to do what I had to do to prevent another pregnancy.

  The doctor came into the room and asked how I was feeling. “Like I’ve been run over with a big rig. How do you expect me to feel?” I asked.

  “Well, the soreness will go away in a few days. The nurse will come in to speak with you in a few minutes. She’s just going to go over your medications with you. As long as you follow the dosage, you should be fine in a few days. Do you have any questions?” the doctor asked.

  “No, I just wanna get the hell outta here!” I said.

  “Okay, well I hope you feel better soon. If you don’t heal within the next two to four days, you can call the office.”

  “Call the office my ass! I’m done with this place!” I said.

  “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

  I didn’t bother to respond as I waited for him to get the hell out. The nurse came in and started telling me what meds I was being given and the dosage. I grabbed the papers and hopped down from the table. I felt a little dizzy, so I caught hold of the table. “If you need to rest, you can stay a little while longer,” she said.

  I twisted my lip up at her and rolled my eyes. “No thanks,” I said as I rushed out of the door.

  Chapter four

  Nya

  Imagine my surprise when I rode past the Woman’s Care Clinic and saw my sister, Takiyah’s car. I knew it was her car because of the color and l
icense plate number. I wondered what she was doing in there. I mean, my sister lived with her boyfriend in an apartment in Baton Rouge. What the hell was she doing out here? I knew they had clinics in Baton Rouge. Hell, they practically had one on every corner. Well, maybe that was an exaggeration, but still… there were several clinics she could have gone to that were closer to her place.

  I pulled into the parking lot and the people holding picket signs rushed up to my car.

  “BABY KILLER!” they shouted.

  “DON’T KILL THE BABY!”

  “YOU’RE A FUCKING SINNER!” They were chanting all these things at me, which made me want to back out of the parking lot and drive off. But, I couldn’t. I had to stay and wait for her. I needed to know what she was doing here.

  Instead of leaving the parking lot, I rolled my window down and yelled, “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY DAMN CAR! I MEAN, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M GOING IN THERE?!” They were working my damn nerves with all that shit.

  I looked at the clock on my dashboard and it read 11:45. I wondered how long she had been in there. I wanted to go in there and ask about her, but I was afraid to get out of my car. These people were pretty scary with their picket signs and shit. There was even a woman dressed like an angel. I knew she wasn’t an angel though because she was holding a picket sign with the words, ‘DON’T KILL THE BABY, BITCH!’ on it. Who the hell would have something like that on a sign?

  No one knows anyone else’s situation. These people were pretty harsh not knowing what someone might be going through. What if people were here for an exam? What if they were here for birth control? I wasn’t sure if those were the reasons my sister was here though. I knew her doctor wasn’t at this place.

  I sat and waited for my sister for two hours. She finally emerged at almost two o’clock. She looked a little groggy and walked really slow. Not the typical super model walk that I was used to seeing her strut. I couldn’t believe that she was here. From her mood and walk, I knew what she was doing in there. She got in her car and backed out of the parking spot. She didn’t even notice my car, so I just followed her. I followed her to Walgreen’s and then to her apartment.

  She parked her car and so did I. She got out of her car and headed towards the door, still oblivious to my presence. Before she could close the door, I placed my hand on the door to keep it from closing in my face.

  “You scared the shit out of me, Nya!” she exclaimed as she clutched her imaginary pearls. “What are you doing here?”

  I walked inside her apartment and she closed the door.

  She placed her purse on the table by the front door and crossed her arms over her chest. “Well, I’ve been following you for a while now.”

  “Following me?” she asked as her face took on a suspicious look. “What do you mean you’ve been following me?”

  “Well, I was riding by the clinic…” Her face instantly looked stressed, but she didn’t say anything, so I kept talking. “I saw your car and pulled into the parking lot. I was going to go in, but there were so many picketers that I was too nervous to get out.”

  “Why were you there?”

  “I was waiting for you. What were you doing in there?” I asked as I stared at her.

  “Nothing!” she said with shifty eyes.

  “You were in there for almost two hours after I got there. The whole time you were in there, I had people yelling at me and calling me a baby killer!”

  “Then you should have left! No one asked you to stick around and wait for me! You had no business there!” she said suddenly catching an attitude.

  “My sister was at the abortion clinic, so you best believe I had a right to be there. Now, what were you doing there?” I repeated.

  “NOTHING, NYA! JUST GO HOME!” she said.

  “As long as you were there, I doubt that you weren’t doing anything,” I said.

  “Whatever I was doing there was my damn business!” she said.

  “Did you get an abortion, Kiyah?”

  “WHAT?! NO!” she yelled, but her facial expression told me that she was lying.

  “Sis, you’re lying.”

  “No, I’m not lying, and I’d appreciate it if you left my apartment. I’m kinda tired and want to go lie down,” she said.

  “Why are you lying to me? I mean, we’re sisters, so you can tell me anything,” I said. I just wanted her to talk to me. I had two kids of my own, so I was having a hard time understanding why my little sister had aborted her baby.

  “I don’t have anything to tell.”

  “I know that you’re lying to me. What I can’t figure out is why. We’ve always been there for each other,” I said. “Would you like for me to call mom, so she can come over?”

  “Mom? Why the hell would I want her to come over?” she asked.

  “So you could talk to both of us.”

  “Girl bye! I don’t have shit to say to mom about what’s going on with me and my damn life! You should go home,” she said.

  “I’m trying to help you.”

  “I don’t need your help. All I need is for you to get out and go home. I’m not lying to you and I’d appreciate it if you forgot you ever saw me over there,” she said.

  I knew that my sister was lying to me. I didn’t know why, but I’d figure it out. “Does Iman know about the abortion?” I asked.

  “SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!” she said as she pointed her finger in my face. “You better not ever tell Iman or anyone else that you saw me there!”

  Damn! What the hell was that outburst about? I looked at her as tears flowed from her eyes. What the hell was really going on? Why was she crying?

  “Kiyah, is there something you wanna talk to me about?” I asked. I was truly concerned for my younger sister. I had never seen her act like this before.

  “I just want you to go, Nya. I’m not feeling well, and I really need to lie down,” she said.

  “How do you expect me to just leave you like this?”

  “Leave me like what? I’m a grown ass woman and I can fend for myself,” she said, agitation clear in her voice as she dried her eyes.

  “I know that. I’m just worried about you,” I said.

  “You don’t need to worry about me. I just need you to leave so I can get some rest,” she said as she hustled me towards the door. “I’ll holla at you later during the week.”

  As she opened the door, all I could do was say okay and walk out. I hated that she was going through whatever it was she was going through, but what the hell could I do? I knew that my sister had gone down to that clinic and had an abortion. I just couldn’t understand why she didn’t discuss it with us first. Sure, it was her choice and her body, but she didn’t have to do that.

  I wondered if Iman knew what she had done. However, it wasn’t my place to bring this to his attention. That was for her to discuss with him. As soon as I got in the car, I called my sisters Harmony and Lyric. I called Lyric first, then merged Harmony into the call.

  “What’s going on, sis? You never call us this early in the day,” Harmony said.

  “I just need to know if y’all heard from Kiyah lately,” I said.

  “No, why? What’s going on?” Lyric asked.

  “I haven’t spoken to her in a couple of days. What’s going on?” Harmony asked.

  “I’m not sure what’s going on with her, but she just threw me out of her apartment,” I said.

  “She what?” Lyric asked.

  “You heard me. She threw me out of her apartment.”

  “Why would she do that?” Harmony asked.

  Damn. I really didn’t want to get into all that had happened. I didn’t know if I should share the clinic business with them. Once I did that, Kiyah would definitely be pissed with me. I mean, she was already mad at me for asking her about it. I couldn’t imagine what she’d say if our sisters started inquiring about it.

  “Maybe it’s nothing,” I said as I tried to put a lid on what I said.

  “Bull!! She threw you out of her apartment! There
must be an explanation,” Lyric said.

  “Yea, I’m going to call her,” Harmony said.

  “NO!” I said just a bit louder than I wanted to.

  “What? Why not?”

  “Because she’ll flip if she knew I told y’all about that,” I said. “Look, I probably shouldn’t have called. I was just so confused as to why she threw me out.”

  “Well, unless she explained to you why she threw you out, you should still be confused. Let me call her and eliminate some of that confusion,” Harmony said. “She’ll talk to me.”

  “No, it’s okay, Harmony. I don’t wanna start no shit,” I said.

  “Alright, suit yourself,” Harmony said.

  “Well, I gotta get to class. I’ll holla at y’all later,” Lyric said.

  We ended the call and I just prayed that my sisters wouldn’t contact Takiyah. I just didn’t want my sister to be upset with me. I had to get to the bottom of her attitude though. I knew when we were growing up, she had issues with mom being a single parent. I just never expected it to carry on to our adult life. She always said she never wanted kids, but I thought she would change her mind by now. I mean, she was in a great relationship with a man who adored her. She was living the good life, at least, I thought she was.

  Chapter five

  Iman

  When I got home, I found Takiyah asleep in the bedroom. That was the first time she had made it home before me in a long time. I didn’t want to disturb her, since she seemed to be resting so peacefully. I made my way to the kitchen and started cooking dinner. I decided to make shrimp tacos with some steamed vegetables. It was something simple and quick.

  I finished cooking our meal then went to wake up Takiyah. I lightly shook her until she finally opened her eyes. “Hmmm,” she said in a groggy tone.

  “Come eat,” I told her.

  “What time is it?”

  “Almost seven,” I said as I glanced at my watch. She sat up in the bed and rubbed her eyes. “How long have you been here? Are you sick?”

  I knew she worked on the road, so she didn’t always get home before me. “Yea, my cycled started today and the cramps are horrible.”