A Mother Within Her

by Lady Lissa

  “Well, that’s when I’ll tell them.”

  “What? That doesn’t make sense. Why would you wait for them to notice your belly before telling them? Aren’t you happy?” I asked.

  I didn’t understand her attitude right now. I thought she would be just as happy as I am to be starting a family. I figured she would be a bit nervous about becoming a mother, but nothing like this. As I stared at her, looking for any sign of happiness, I couldn’t see it. Why wasn’t she happy to be carrying my child?

  “I don’t know what I am right now, Iman. I just never saw us having a baby this soon after our wedding. I thought that maybe our baby would come after a few years or so, but it’s only been three months.”

  “I understand that, but God saw fit to bless us with a baby sooner, rather than later. I just wanna shout it out to the world. I’m gonna be a daddy!” I said. Shit, I was so fucking excited that I was going to tell my family, whether she liked it or not. I had to tell someone that we were expecting.

  “I can see there’s no reasoning with you about this,” she said.

  “Reasoning with me about what?”

  “I want to have an abortion…”

  “WHAT?!”

  “I’m not ready to become a mother yet, so I wanna terminate…”

  “AW, HELL NO! This is our baby…”

  “This is my body! I don’t need your permission to terminate this pregnancy!” she said.

  “Takiyah, I don’t know what has gotten into you.” I pulled out the pictures of our baby from the ultrasound and shoved them in her face. “How could you want to get rid of this precious baby? He or she is innocent and was made from our love for each other. Why would you want to do that?” I asked as tears streamed from my eyes. I wasn’t no punk ass nigga, but this baby meant everything to me. It meant that we’d finally be a family. It meant that I’d finally be a father. I was in love with my child already, so the last thing I wanted to be discussing with my wife was terminating the pregnancy.

  “Don’t cry, Iman. It’s not that serious,” she said as she brushed away my tears.

  “It is that serious, Kiyah. I thought you loved me,” I said as I continued to sob.

  “Oh my God! You think I’m making this decision because I don’t love you?” she asked as a look of surprise flashed on her face.

  “How can you love me and not love our child? How can you love me and want to kill our baby?” I asked.

  “It’s the size of a bean, so it isn’t a real baby,” she said.

  “The hell it ain’t. It has a heart, a beating heart. That makes it a baby! I can’t believe we’re having this conversation and I’m fighting with you to not kill our baby!”

  “Iman, we can have other babies later on in life. Right now, I’m just not ready,” she said.

  “So, it’s all about you? No one else’s feelings matter but yours, right? Is that what you’re telling me?”

  “I didn’t say that. Of course, I’d like for us to be on the same page about this,” she had the nerve to say.

  “NEVER! I will never be on the same page as you are unless you plan on keeping this baby,” I said as I stared down at her. Takiyah was so beautiful, even right now. I often heard a saying about how a woman glowed during her pregnancy. I thought that was a myth until now. Staring at my beautiful wife, she was absolutely glowing from her pregnancy.

  “Iman, please. I don’t want to do this without your support. I need…”

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now? You actually want me to be on board with this abortion shit?! You are out of your mind if you think I’d ever co-sign on some shit like that!” I stated in a tone that let her know to not ask me that shit again.

  “I can’t do this without you!” she cried.

  “Then I guess you ain’t doing it because I ain’t gonna support that shit!”

  By that time, I had heard enough. I grabbed my keys and was headed right back out the door. “Where are you going?” she asked.

  “I just need some air! I’ll be back!” I said.

  “Please don’t leave, Iman. We have to work through this. We have to talk this out!” she cried.

  She was right. We weren’t just dating anymore. We were married now, so we had to address this and come to a decision together. All I knew was that there was no way I was going to agree with her terminating the pregnancy. We could talk about it until we were blue in the face, but she was going to have to change her mind about that shit.

  I turned around and faced her. She had tears in her eyes, which always broke me down. I hated to see my baby cry, especially since she was crying because of our conversation. “Look babe, I love you. I probably love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone before in my life. I don’t want to argue with you, but I’ll never agree to you killing our first born child or any other one after that!”

  “I’m not ready…”

  “You’re just nervous. I’m sure all mothers feel the exact same way when they found out they were expecting for the first time. I’m sure once we share the news with the family, you’ll embrace the idea more,” I said with a smile.

  I was trying to reassure her that we’d be okay, but if she went through with having an abortion, we wouldn’t be. I’d actually leave Takiyah if she killed one of my babies. I knew that might sound harsh, but I didn’t care. We were blessed for her to be pregnant with a healthy baby, especially since she was on birth control during the first three months.

  This was a blessing, so she needed to start treating it as such.

  “I don’t want to lose you, Iman.”

  I opened my arms and pulled her in close. “I don’t want to lose you either, babe. That’s why you need to stop talking about getting an abortion. I want this baby, and I want us to be a family. Can you do that for me, Kiyah? Can you make us a family?” I asked as I looked down into her teary chestnut brown eyes.

  It seemed like I was waiting forever for a response. She finally nodded her head in agreement. “You promise?” I asked. I just needed that extra bit of reassurance that I could count on her to not do anything behind my back.

  “Promise,” she said, barely above a whisper. I breathed a sigh of relief as I held both sides of her beautiful face. I leaned my head forward until our lips were pressed together. I loved this woman so much. God had given us the ultimate gift, a baby.

  I didn’t know if I wanted a boy or a girl. I just wanted our baby to stay healthy.

  Chapter eight

  Lyric

  Two weeks later…

  My sisters and I picked up a pizza and headed over to Takiyah’s house. Iman had called us earlier that day to tell us the good news; our sister was pregnant with their first child. I was ecstatic because that meant Kiyah and I could share our pregnancies together. I was five months along and expecting a little boy. I was super excited.

  The only difference between Kiyah’s pregnancy and mine was that she was happily married and I wasn’t. Sure, I had a baby daddy by the name of Luca. Luca was from Trinidad and he was every bit as handsome as his name sounded. He was tall, chocolate and wore the prettiest dreads ever. I would say he reminded me of someone famous, but the truth of the matter was that he only reminded me of Luca. He was so damn handsome and sexy that he was in a class by himself.

  He and I had been dating for almost two years now. The pregnancy was totally unexpected, but I was still happy about it. I was even happier now to be sharing this time with one of my sisters. I couldn’t wait to get to Kiyah’s place and see her little baby bump. Being that I was almost six months, I was sure that I was quite a bit bigger than she was. As Harmony and Nya chatted happily about seeing Takiyah in all her pregnant glory, I just sat in the driver’s seat with a huge smile on my face.

  “Why are you so quiet, Lyric?” Nya asked from the passenger’s seat.

  “I was just thinking how special this pregnancy is now that I’ll be sharing it with Kiyah,” I said as I placed my hand on my swollen belly.

  “That is special.
I mean, to share that time with her,” Nya said with a smile.

  “It really is,” Harmony said.

  “I can’t wait to see her,” I said.

  “I’m excited too,” Nya said.

  As I pulled into the apartment parking lot, I noticed that only Takiyah’s car was there. I guessed that Iman was working late because it was almost six o’clock. We got out of the car and walked to the door. I rang the doorbell as we stood there waiting for our sister to let us in. After a couple of minutes, she finally opened the door. The surprised expression on her face let us know that our impromptu visit had done just that; surprised her.

  “What are you guys doing here?” she asked.

  We barged in and went straight to the living room. Nya went into the kitchen and came back with plates. Kiyah finally joined us after a couple of minutes. She looked so cute with her little bump. She didn’t look too happy to see us, but that wasn’t going to bring us down. We knew that we had caught her off guard.

  “What are y’all doing here?” she asked again.

  “We came to visit you! Iman told us that the two of you are having a baby! I’m so freakin’ excited, sis because now I have someone to share this experience with it,” I said as I walked over to her. I touched her belly, but she swatted my hand away. The look on her face was one of pure disgust, which I couldn’t understand.

  “Don’t do that!” she told me.

  “Sorry. I just got a little too excited, I guess. I mean, I’m pregnant and you’re pregnant, so I just thought…”

  “Thought what, Lyric? That the two of us would come together and bond over our pregnancies?” she asked.

  “Well, yea,” I said, not understanding why she was acting this way.

  “What’s wrong, Ki?” Nya asked as she walked over to us.

  “Yea, sis. What’s going on?” Harmony asked.

  “I’m sorry, y’all. I’m just a little stressed,” Takiyah said.

  “Come sit with us,” Nya said as we moved over to the sofa and took a seat.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked as I smoothed her hair back.

  “I don’t know. Maybe it’s just my hormones that have me trippin’,” Kiyah said.

  “You know you can talk to us about anything, right?” Nya asked, taking on the role of big sister.

  “I know. I just don’t know if I’m ready to be a mom. I mean, I never had the desire to be a mother, and now I’m pregnant. I don’t know anything about having a baby,” Kiyah said.

  “I know what you mean,” I said as I rubbed my belly. “But, you’ll catch on, sis. It’s not as hard as people make it seem. Well, at least I don’t think so.”

  I looked at Nya because at this point, she was the only one who had experienced childbirth and raising a baby. She had a beautiful daughter who was ten months old. “Why are you looking at me?” Nya asked. “Having a baby is hard and raising it is harder. The good thing is that you both have your men beside you, just like Tyriq is there for me. As hard as it is for me, he makes it much easier because he helps out a lot. A whole lot.”

  “Yea, I believe that Luca is going to be a great father, Iman too. You have nothing to worry about, Ki. Your man will always be there for you,” I said.

  “It’s not about that. Y’all know how I feel… never mind,” Takiyah said.

  “Ki, you’re not telling us everything. What’s going on?” I asked.

  “Nothing. Let’s just eat the pizza and chill out. Sorry for raining on the parade,” Kiyah said.

  “Well, as long as you’re good,” Nya said.

  “I am,” Kiyah said. As I watched her facial expressions, I could tell that she wasn’t good like she said. I just figured that she was still reeling from the fact that she was pregnant. I knew she’d be fine.

  “Where’s Iman?” I asked.

  “He had to work late. It’s good that y’all came by because I hate being alone in the apartment. Iman won’t be home for at least a couple of hours,” Kiyah said.

  “Well, we’ll leave when he gets here,” Harmony said.

  The four of us sat back and ate pizza while watching television and talking about babies. I was truly happy for my sister. I knew she was a bundle of nerves because I was too. I couldn’t wait until all our babies could play together.

  Chapter nine

  Takiyah

  As happy as I was to see my three sisters on my doorstep, I wished they had called first. I wasn’t really up to having company, even though they were my sisters. I was still trying to get over the shock of being pregnant, and that was something I still couldn’t get my husband to understand. He was thrilled that we were having a baby. I was a bundle of fucked up nerves. This was something I didn’t see coming at all.

  How could I be pregnant when I was taking birth control? This hadn’t happened to me once, but twice. What were the odds of a woman getting pregnant twice while on the pill? That didn’t make any sense to me. I thought about suing my doctor who prescribed the birth control for me. She should get slapped with a lawsuit for giving me something that wasn’t strong enough to protect me from getting knocked up again.

  Before my sisters left, Nya pulled me to the side to discuss my pregnancy. That was the last thing I needed. “Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked with a skeptical look on her face.

  “I’m fine,” I tried to reassure her.

  “So, no impromptu trips to the abortion clinic, right?” she asked.

  I pierced my lips together to keep me from lashing out. How dare she say that shit out loud while my husband was in the other room! “Are you kidding me?” I asked.

  I was sure that she could see how angry I was because I felt the heat in my face. “Look, I don’t mean to upset you, Ki. It’s just that given your previous circumstances, I had to ask.”

  “That’s something that you were supposed to forget you saw!” I whispered through clenched teeth.

  “How can I forget that?!”

  “Look, my husband didn’t know about the first baby, but he knows about this one! There’s no way I could do something like that now!” I said. “Now, I need you to forget about that and never mention it again!”

  “Forget about what?” Iman asked as he walked up behind me. I glared at my sister for putting me in this awkward situation with my husband. I wished they had never came here.

  “It’s nothing, babe,” I said as he wrapped his arms around me and rubbed my swollen belly. That shit irked the shit out of me, but all I could do was smile.

  “I see your sisters couldn’t wait to come see your cute little tummy,” he said as he smiled while continuing to rub my belly.

  My sister stared at me, probably looking for a reaction out of me. But she wasn’t going to get anything from me but a smile. “You’re right, Iman! We were just so excited for you guys!” Nya said.

  “Excited doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel right now,” Iman said as he kissed my cheek. “I can’t wait to be a father.”

  “It shows all over your face,” Nya said. “You two are so cute together. I just know you’re going to have a beautiful baby.”

  “Yea, I know that too,” Iman said.

  “Well, let me get out of here before Lyric and Harmony decide to ditch me. Ki, I’ll call you later,” Nya said as she reached in for a hug. I hugged her back, but I knew she could feel the tension in my back. “Iman, congrats again!” She reached out to give my husband a hug and then waved goodbye. She walked out and Iman locked the door.

  There wasn’t another word spoken about what he had walked in on between Nya and I. I breathed a sigh of relief because I wanted him to just forget that he had ever heard that.

  Four weeks later…

  Iman pulled into the parking lot of my doctor’s office for my next appointment. We walked in, hand in hand and I signed in. We took our seats and I hoped it wouldn’t be a long wait. There was this pregnant lady sitting in the corner reading a magazine while her two little girls ran around like they had too much sugar. I sat there a
nnoyed that she wasn’t keeping her children in some kind of control. I mean, if you have to bring your kids with you to a place of business, at least make them sit down. Her little girls were playing tag in the doctor’s office. That wasn’t the time or the place for that.

  That was one of the things I hated about parents. Like, why couldn’t she control her damn kids? The shit was really aggravating me to the point where I wanted to slap the bitch. I rolled my eyes at her and tried to remember why I was there. Finally, after what seemed like forever, they called her to the back for her exam. I breathed a sigh of relief after she left with her little hoodlum kids. Iman must have sensed my tension because he leaned over and asked if I was okay. I just lied and nodded my head.

  My name was called about half an hour later, so Iman and I walked to the back. The nurse checked my vitals and weight before taking us to the exam room. Doctor Bells, my obstetrician, walked in with the nurse a few minutes later. She told me that I gained eight pounds, which I didn’t like. Then she checked the baby’s heartbeat, which had Iman sitting there with a huge smile on his face.

  “You’re right at 20 weeks along, so I’m going to order you to have your ultrasound done again. That way the doctor can check the baby’s growth and make sure everything is okay. You can even find out the sex of your baby,” Doctor Bells said.

  “So, does that mean there might be something wrong with the baby?” Iman asked.

  “No, not at all. This is normal for any pregnancy,” Doctor Bells said.

  “Whew!” Iman said as he breathed a sigh of relief. “I thought something was wrong with the baby.”

  “I’m sorry if I gave you that impression. Trust me, there’s nothing to worry about. This is standard procedure for pregnant women to get an ultrasound in their fifth month,” Doctor Bells assured.

  “Okay, cool. When do we go?” Iman asked.

  “I’m going to get my receptionist to schedule it for this week. Will that fit into your schedule?” The doctor asked.

  “We’ll make it fit into our schedule!” Iman said with a nervous laugh.