“What about school?”
“Drop out,” I said. “You don’t need it.”
He looked down at the floor. “And the note?”
“That’s not your concern.” I looked away, too ashamed to meet his gaze. I knew what he thought of me but this was my decision. I had to follow my heart on this one.
“You’ll regret this,” he said in all seriousness. “You’ll see.”
I dropped my weight against my locker and cupped my face in my hands. I didn’t protest when Caleb wrapped his arms around me and carried me back to the gym. He set me down just outside of the closed double doors and I went into the bathroom to fix my mascara streaked face. I scrubbed off the best part of my makeup. My eyes and my lips were puffy from crying, but I wasn’t too bothered. That was the least of my worries.
I left the bathroom and Caleb stood leaning against the doors of the gym. The silver light and pattern from the disco ball shone through the glass in the door, dancing over his shoulder.
“I’ll do what you ask,” he said, stopping me in my tracks.
“You will?” I said. I hadn’t really expected him to agree to that, but a small part of me was relieved. The other ninety-nine percent was quietly hysterical.
“If it’s what you really want.”
I looked at him skeptically. “What’s the catch?”
“No catch. I’ll drop out of school. You won’t have to see me.”
“What about your wings?”
“I’m still going to be there for you. I’ll be like the invisible man.” He smiled and pushed his weight onto his shoulder, standing up straight and walked over to me. His hands were still tucked into his front pockets and his shirt hung half out on one side. He still looked good. If not, better.
“Do you understand why I need to do this? I asked him.
“I understand, but I don’t agree with it, and I don’t like it. I think it’s a trap.” He stopped right in front of me and pinned me with a full on stare. “Don’t do it.”
“I have to.”
“No, you don’t. Please, I’ll stay away. Just promise me that you’ll forget about the note.”
I shook my head. “Caleb-”
He put his hands on my waist and pinned me up against the lockers. His blonde hair flipped down over his eyes and my breath caught in my throat. Despite my better judgment, I reached up and pushed it away.
“Pria, listen to me. That notes a lie, you know who your dad is.”
“I can’t ignore it.”
“You can.” His fingers gripped me tighter and he pulled me towards him so I was completely pressed up against his body. “I don’t want anything to happen to you,” he breathed. The notion was intoxicating and I closed my eyes in surrender.
“I’m doing it with or without you, Caleb.” Suddenly, he let me go and my eyes sprang open. He moved back and every single one of his facial features tightened. The gym doors broke open and Drake, Ressler, and Mellissa piled through.
“I hope you two weren’t making out,” Mellissa said playfully, smiling at me. Ressler looked from me to Caleb, his body rigid.
“Do you need me to take her home?” I knew Drake was talking to Caleb, even though I wasn’t looking at him. My eyes were still fixed on Caleb. He hadn’t answered me yet.
“I think you better,” he said to Drake. His eyes were still on me. He moved forward and whispered. “Without me, but don’t come crying back to me when this whole thing bites you in the ass, got it?” And he left, sliding between the exit doors.
Heart over mind
Drake dropped Mellissa home and the two of us rode in silence to my house. The night had turned into an absolute bust. I felt like an utter and complete loser. I clenched the note that was pinned to my locker tightly in my fist. My knuckles had turned red, I held it with such force. Drake stopped his car in my drive and followed me into the house. None of this was Drake's fault but I was pissed and I stormed straight upstairs to my bedroom. I tore my wings off, which now seemed totally ridiculous and so un-important, and threw them onto the floor. My boots followed shortly after, and I threw myself down onto the bed and hugged my pillow to my face to kill the noise of my crying. A hand clamped its self on my shoulder and tugged gently until at last, I relented and lifted my head, sniffing back my tears. Drake was crouched down by the side of my bed, minus his ginormous hat.
"What happened tonight?" he asked me. My fingers loosened around the note and I stuffed it under my pillow.
"I found out that my dad's not actually my dad," I said with a crack in my voice. I lay my head on my pillow and looked at Drake sideways through heavy, dripping lashes. I wiped my hand over my wet cheek and sniffed loudly.
Drake raised his hand and pushed my hair away from my face. "Who told you that?"
"Someone left me the same note, twice."
"But who would do that?"
"Someone who really wants me to get the message."
"What does Caleb say about this?"
"He wants me to ignore it. You know Caleb, he’s always right. He thinks it’s one big stitch up. He won’t have anything to do with it."
Drake's features were soft and I could tell he was full of empathy. "He's probably right."
"I don’t care," I said. "I can’t ignore this. Right or not, I have to find out the truth."
"I can understand that," he said with a nod of his head. "Move over." He stood up and gave me a gentle shove. I moved myself along to the other side of the bed and sat up, crossing my legs in front of me. Drake sat himself next to me and stretched his legs out in front of him, with one leg crossed over the other. I kept my stare fixed on his brown boots. Having something to focus on helped keep the tears away.
"Caleb just wants to keep you safe."
I looked over at him. "If I ask you something, will you be honest with me?"
"I'll do my best."
"If Caleb knew Gabriel wasn’t my dad, is that something he would keep from me?"
He seemed to look at me for too long before he gave me any answer. "If he felt like it was in your best interest not to tell you, then maybe he would keep it to himself. But I can tell you that he knows no such thing."
I nodded.
"What are you going to do then?"
"Find my dad, I guess." my heart completely sank as the words left my mouth. Gabriel was my dad. Whatever happened, he was still my dad. I smiled guiltily at Drake. "You know what I mean. I know Gabriel’s my dad, I-"
"Hey, don’t explain anything to me." He stretched his hand behind my head and unhooked my mom's dream catcher from above the bed, holding it up in front of him. It was then that I realized that we were sitting in the dark and I flicked on the bedside light, bathing the whole room in a warm, golden glow.
"A dream catcher?" he asked me.
"I found it. It's my mom's"
"You having bad dreams?"
"Not exactly bad," I said. Drake was looking at me like I had grown two horns. He smiled and I could feel I was subconsciously biting my lip. I knew my face was turning crimson and I shook my head. I laughed. I couldn’t help it.
"What the hell was that?" Drake asked.
"Nothing," I said. I was embarrassed.
"Doesn’t look like nothing. Go on, tell me. I've got all night."
"You’re staying all night?"
"Who else is going to look after you, while you and Caleb are at war with each other?" At war? That was how he saw us?
"It's nothing, honestly. It's dumb."
"I bet I can guess."
"You can give it a shot."
"You dream about Caleb. I don’t need any details, I can tell what goes on by the look on your face." I swatted him on the leg with my hand.
"I’m that obvious?" I asked. "It’s sad, right?"
"It's probably out of your control," he said, his face turning to one of zero expression. I could no longer read him.
"How do you mean?" I asked. I untucked my legs and shifted my body in his direction. I pulled my l
egs up under me and held onto them.
"When you dream, you can have whatever it is you truly want. Even the things you think you don’t want anymore. It all surfaces in a dream. Repressed desires, unfinished business; anything goes. If the heart wants something, that's where it will tell you what."
"Huh," I said. I had never thought of it like that.
He gave me a knowing look. “People have a way of working themselves into your mind if they really want to get there.” Were we still talking about Caleb here? I didn’t think my mind was where Caleb wanted to be.
"Do you dream, Drake? Do you even sleep?" Caleb and I had never had that conversation. It was one of the things that I would normally never think relevant, but what did I know about fallen angels? Not a whole lot. Caleb wasn’t particularly forthcoming with information about himself.
"I don’t need to sleep."
"Can you if you want to?"
"Yeah, I can."
"What do you dream about?" I shrugged apologetically. "Sorry if that’s too intrusive."
“It's fine. I don’t dream, not really.”
“Do you love Mellissa?” I put my hand over my mouth. Where did that come from?
He sighed and averted his gaze downwards. "Love's a strong word."
"Have you ever loved?" I was pushing my limits of nosiness to the extreme, but I might as well get any answers I need while I had the chance. Instead of answering me though, he asked me, "Do you understand love?"
"I think so."
"Have you ever been in love?"
I didn’t want to answer this. I wasn’t even sure I knew what the honest answer was. I thought I understood love, but did I? I knew hardly anything about the world, and the parts I did know, were shaping up to be something else entirely.
"I don’t know,” I said. It was true. I had no real idea about love. A vague understanding of it, yeah. But that was all.
"I'm not sure my kind are capable of love." That piqued my interest.
"Why do you say that?"
Drake tugged out the rubber band that held his blonde hair back in a short ponytail on the crown of his head. His hair fell around his face and he pushed his fingers through it, forcing it away from his face, creating a natural M shape. I smiled in spite of myself. He really looked like a pirate now. This was the first time I had seen him with his hair out. It suited him, he looked somehow younger and in a small way, vulnerable.
“Love is the epitome of being human. Everything about what it is to love, is human.” He cut me a sideways look. The sharpness of his cobalt blue eyes saw right through me. “Do you know what I mean?”
I shook my head. I could feel the lines cutting into my forehead from confusion.
“Humans can love someone regardless of whether or not that love is returned, or mistreated, or ignored. They make mistakes and end up with broken hearts and they do it all over again. They let themselves love another. Love is fragile, but it’s strong in humans.”
“Love is so totally blind,” I mumbled. We just let ourselves get hurt over and over, never knowing when to give up. How many times was I going to go round in circles with Caleb? Could I be strong this time and really walk away from him?
“Exactly. Love is blind, and so it should be. Love should be unconditional and reckless. Fallen angels, they see and know too much. They can’t let themselves get lost in love the way a human can. The fallen are wary, untrusting. We were once good, but not anymore. We’ve seen too much of the world to think that being in love with someone is the greatest thing to happen on earth. To us, it’s a fleeting romance at best.” He shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe the feelings could grow, but you can’t let it get that far. Human’s age and we don’t, and there’s no room for love to grow there. By the time there is, I’ll need to leave.”
This had taken a sharp turn in the direction of him and Mellissa. Drake was normally so blasé’ and carefree. I had never heard him speak this way before. I didn’t want him to leave Mellissa. And I was sure Mellissa didn’t want him to leave her either. How many times had Drake had to walk away from someone he truly cared about, all because of what he is? Or Caleb for that matter?
“You can just tell her you know,” I offered.
“And put her at risk? Or let her think I’m some kind of raving lunatic? No thanks. Its better I just go. Not yet, but eventually, I’ll have no choice. You understand that right?”
I did, but Mellissa wouldn’t. He was going to crush her. She might never trust anyone again. If he left without a good enough reason. She was already having serious doubts.
“That won’t be for a long time yet anyway,” I said. “A few years at least?”
“It gets harder the longer you leave it.”
So they would be leaving sooner rather than later. When I died or lived? I wanted to ask him, but I couldn’t. I always seemed to forget that this little set up wasn’t forever.
I lay my hand on his leg. “You should just let yourself love her. You might be surprised. She’s pretty persuasive you know. Soon, you might have no choice.”
“The only one dumb enough to pull a move like that is-” He rubbed his hand along his jaw and let out a grunt. “Never mind.”
“Is who? Who were you going to say?”
“Ressler.”
“Ressler?” I mimicked.
“He thinks he’s in love with you. Don’t mention that I told you.”
“I won’t say anything,” I promised. Ressler was so open to anything, I imagined he has at one point or another thought he loved a lot of different girls and I wasn’t about to read too much into it.
My dream catcher lay on Drake’s leg by my hand and I stroked the feathers, rubbing them in-between my fingers. I wondered if it had captured any of my mom’s dreams. I hoped so.
“Do you think you love Caleb?” Drake’s words jarred me from my temporary thoughts.
“Think?” I said. “You really are a pessimist aren’t you?”
He laughed. “I’m getting cynical in my old age.” I wondered how old Drake was, but I didn’t have the nerve to ask. He might not want to tell me. Hundreds, maybe thousands of years old? The thought sent a silent shiver up my spine. Some things would always be too hard to believe, no matter how far sucked in I was into this weird, yet wonderful world of the bizarre.
“When it comes to Caleb, I’m not sure about anything anymore. Love him? I doubt it. I don’t know anything about love.” I had thought when I first started spending time with Caleb that I understood exactly what all the hype was about. But the longer our weird relationship went on, and the more I flew between infatuation and despair, and at times what I thought was actually hate, I now knew that could never be love. Could it? It was much too turbulent and there was no way my heart could stand any more of it.
“He’s too much for one human’s heart. I’m not strong enough to love him,” I said with a sad smile. “Even if I wanted to.”
I looked down to where Drake laced his fingers through mine, pulling them away from the dream catcher. “Will you take me to see my dad?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
***
I closed the door to the room my dad was in quietly behind me, and I stood with my back pressed against it just staring at the only man that had been in my life since I was a baby. He was dressed in the same white tee and blue pajama pants, and anyone would think he was just sleeping, he looked so peaceful. I braced my hands against the door behind me and pushed myself further into the room. I dropped down on my knees next to the bed and wrapped my arms around my dad’s that hung straight down by his side. His skin was warm and it made me feel immediately better. Warm was good. Warm was still alive. I was still wearing the leotard under my coat and I couldn’t have cared less. I kept my coat tightly fastened anyway.
“I’m sorry, dad,” I whispered. “I’m sorry if after everything I’m about to do, it turns out that it was nothing more than a nasty lie. I’m sorry if I come back here asking for your forgiveness, hating myself
that I ever doubted you. But I know you, and I know that you’ll understand why I need to do this. And you’ve lied too, dad. But I forgive you for everything. I just hope you will forgive me too.”
I stood up, bending down to kiss him on the head, and then I climbed onto the bed and lay next to him. I molded my body to fit his and lay my head on his chest. My head rose and fell under the rhythm of his breathing and it felt good. This was the closest I had been to my dad, ever. My dad was not the cuddly type, and neither was I. But right now, it was all I needed from him.
My eyes opened when I heard the door creak and I lifted my head. The room was dark and windowless and light spilled in through the open doorway around Caleb’s silhouette. I knew it was him even though I could barely make out his features. His presence was like no one else’s. I must have fallen asleep. The light was on in here when I first came in.
“Before you say anything,” he said, before I had a chance to utter a single word. “I live here. I haven’t gone back on my word.” I twisted around, my legs dangling off the bed. I felt uncomfortable. I had slept with my coat on and I was warm, too warm. What time was it?
“Okay,” I said.
“I’m going out now anyway.” He nodded in the direction of the living room. “Ressler’s here.”
I didn’t respond. All I could think was where he was going. More than likely somewhere with Tamara. I’m going through maybe the worst time in my life and all he cares about is getting some? I was starting to feel sick. I tugged hard on the collar of my coat and popped the top few buttons.
“Don’t rush off on my account. You should spend as much time as you can with your dad.” He tilted his head to the side and what sounded like a breath of laughter escaped his lips. “Before you replace him, I mean.”
That was it. I jumped up off the bed and Caleb stepped backwards just as I slammed the door as hard as I possibly could in his face.
Ressler took me home to shower and change, and after I put on boots, a big and soft, pink hoody and my black leggings, I locked up and jogged over to Ressler’s Mercedes, running face first into Gracey. She held out her hands to steady me. “Whoa,” she said, smiling at me with a firm grip on my arms.
Falling Darkness: The second book in the Falling Awake Series Page 6
