Fight Like A Mitchell

by Jennifer Foor

  Last year my family raised one hundred and fifty thousand dollars for cancer research. This year we want to double that amount. I know we can do it. My daughter-in-law and niece-in-law know a lot of famous celebrities. They’re taking on a lot more of the project in hopes of bringing in some bigger donors. If I had one wish in my lifetime it would be to find a cure for cancer, not just of the breast, but all of it.

  The group meeting was a shit-show, excuse my French. The men didn’t seem to want to compromise or listen to our ideas. To be honest, they’re better at manual labor, which we intend to take advantage of. When we’re done, the guys are going to wish they were the ones planning.

  This is the first year where I won’t be on the forefront for planning. I’m leaving it to all the kids to manage. My nerves are already shot. We’ve set high standards in the past and the community only expects the best. With Shalan, my country music singer daughter-in-law, and Amber, my nephew’s actress/model wife, it’s bound to be over the top. The two have worked together for several projects, including music videos. I don’t doubt their capabilities. I doubt my ability to stay out of their way.

  That being said, I’m looking forward to a few days away with my wonderful husband, and our cousins, Ty and Miranda. We’re going to the family cabin for some R&R, which usually means pranks and late nights of drinking games, and us coming home physically and mentally drained, but it’s fun and we appreciate the time we have together. We’re not getting any younger, and life keeps getting busier. With the kids, grandkids, and my current obligations to church and the community, I’m stretched thin. One day I’ll be able to finish the memoirs I started years ago. It’s still my life’s dream to write a book. I started one, but life gets in the way.

  My hands are shaking as we start up the rocky road leading to the cabin. Colt grumbles in the driver’s seat next to me. “Damn groundskeepers. I told them to have this cleared last month.”

  “Maybe it grew back?”

  He stops at a fallen log, shakes his head and proceeds to lean it against the steering wheel he was just squeezing the life out of. “Shit!”

  “Is that the same tree that Jake said fell last time?”

  “Yep. They had to turn around because they didn’t have a chainsaw with them. They took the old service road instead and ended up getting stuck in the mud. I called about this several times.”

  I reach over and rub his shoulder. Colt likes things his way. He’s old fashioned and wants things done right the first time. Most of all, he hates having to repeat himself. I know for a fact that we pay the groundskeepers good money to do their job. In this case, it looks as if they took advantage of us, which is something none of us will tolerate. “Let’s just take the old service road. It hasn’t been raining, so the ground will be hard. You and Ty can come down here and get this moved out of the way with the gator.” My only hope is that the off road vehicle has gas in it. The rule is to replace it when it’s used, but not everyone follows them.

  “What should we do?”

  “I reckon I’ll back up and go the other way. I’ve got a saw at the cabin. It’s nothing to make us ruin our time here, darlin’.” I can tell he’s saying it to appease me, but I offer a smile in return anyway. Colt would do anything to see me happy. Sometimes, it drives me crazy that he puts his own happiness behind mine. I suppose I do the same for him without even knowing it. Maybe that’s why our marriage works so well.

  I no sooner reach my hand over to touch his when we hear a louder motor coming our way. Since we’re not expecting anyone, this comes as a shock.

  All of a sudden we hear a horn raring behind us. Startled, I turn to see a shirtless man jumping out of his Super Duty Ram pick-up truck wearing a clown mask. He reaches in the back cab and pulls out a chainsaw that he immediately fires up. Before we can contemplate what’s going on, he’s revving it and running in our direction. With only one hundred yards separating us, I’m starting to really panic.

  “Oh my God! What is happening?” I ask my wondering husband.

  His hand goes to the handle. I reach over and swat it away. “Are you crazy? Lock the doors.”

  “I’m not scared of some idiot trying to make a scene. It’s probably a bunch of hillbilly teens with nothing better to do. There’s a rifle in the backseat.” He reaches over and pulls it in front of him, checking the chamber for ammunition. I know it’s illegal to drive with a loaded weapon, but for now I refrain from the reminder. When he’s made sure there’s bullets, he goes back to opening the door again. “I’ll be right back. Stay put.”

  “Just stay here. I’ll call the police.” Colt already knows I’m uncomfortable about this. While I scramble for my cell phone, finding no service available, he’s reassuring me.

  “It’s fine.”

  I know this may come as a surprise, but clowns are the scariest things I’ve ever seen. I’ll never forget when Noah dressed as one for Halloween. I cringed the whole time I had to walk him around. The next week I accidentally stepped on the squeaking nose and just about came out of my skin.

  Clowns are evil.

  I’m losing it.

  Colt’s voice startles me more. It’s loud and serious. “This road is private. I’d advice you to go home before I need to take matters in my own hands. You’re trespassing.”

  The chainsaw revs again. My hand goes to my mouth, but I’m too chicken to peek out the window.

  By this point I’m really freaking out. I’ve lowered my whole body into a ball, my pulse races, and beads of sweat are rolling down my forehead. I feel like I’m the victim of a horror movie, which I never happened to like. To top it off, I can’t stand knowing my husband is out there trying to threaten with a gun. This could go terribly wrong. I’m terrified and Colt knows it. He catches my attention through the window and looks me in the eyes. “Don’t you worry. Everything will be fine. I’m going to just scare the kid a little and send him on his way.”

  “Please be careful, Colt.” I’m not even sure if he’s listening to me.

  Silently I’m cursing the fallen tree. If we’d been able to get to the cabin maybe this wouldn’t have happened. I wonder how long the person was following us. Did they see us stop for gas and think we were easy targets?

  Then it’s silent. Too quiet. I’m worried. I know I have to look, but I’m afraid what I’ll find. What if these people have hurt Colt? What if they’re coming for me next?

  That’s when something slams against the passenger window. I scream at the top of my lungs only to hear laughing coming from both directions.

  My eyes fleet open and I spot Ty standing there with his face smashed against the glass. He kisses it and shakes his head as he says something to someone else before addressing me. “You’re so gullible, Van.”

  Colt opens the door as I’m sitting back up, my heart still beating out of my chest. “That asshole had me going. He bought a new truck that ain’t lettered yet. I had no idea it was them.”

  I’m not amused. This means war and I think everyone knows it. Ty knows more than anyone not to mess with clown stuff around me. He’s in for it this weekend.

  I meet Miranda on the passenger side of their vehicle. Her arms are already crossed when I get to where she’s standing. “Ty figured it would be a hoot. We were trying to beat you all here so Colt wouldn’t be pissed about the tree. He bought the mask at a gas station a way back.”

  “I hate him right now.”

  “Tried to talk him out of it, but you know how he is when he gets that little mind of his going.”

  “Yeah, I know. Still hate him.” To change the subject I point to the tree limb. “What’s up with this?”

  “Apparently the guy broke his arm last month and hasn’t been able to work. He called Ty when it happened.”

  “Colt said he paid for the job.”

  Miranda wraps her arms around me with a hug. “It’s good to see you, Van. You look great.” She sighs. “I think the groundskeeper gets a salary, if I’m not mistaken. All I know is t
hat Ty said if he couldn’t get to the road before our next visit he’d handle it himself.”

  While the saw idols, Ty makes his presence known. “Stand back amateurs. I’m about to show Paul Bunyan how it’s done.”

  I flip him the bird. He’s lucky I don’t put my little size seven foot up his smart ass.

  The chainsaw digs into the old oak tree, while we stand around in the crisp breeze hoping it won’t take long. I’d assumed they’d be a few hours behind us, but thankfully they had other plans.

  With the guys consumed in their newfound project, Miranda and I decide to carry the coolers the rest of the way up the private road and open up the cabin to air out. It’s a pretty long haul, but between the two of us we’ll manage.

  Once we’re far enough away from the loudness of the machine, we’re able to talk freely. “How’s everything at home?”

  “Nothing has changed since last night, if that’s what you’re asking,” Miranda explains.

  “I’ve got so much going on with this event.”

  “You mean, so little? I know the girls are doing most of the work so far.”

  I nod. “Yeah. It’s hard not being front and center. I want to be there, helping as much as I can.”

  “Van, you do enough. You’re like superwoman. The girls want to do this, all of them, not just Shalan and Amber. All of the kids have a part in this, and I think it’s fantastic. We’ve been doing this for years, and for the first time, it’s not your responsibility. On the way here Ty was saying how he thinks you do to much.”

  “When has Ty’s opinion ever been right?”

  She stops walking and flashes me an accusatory glare. “He means well.”

  “That he does.”

  “So, how are you going to get him back for this? Need my help?”

  I smirk. “We’ll discuss it at the spa.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  Chapter 3

  While the girls are away…

  Tyler

  Colt is stoking the fire, while I sit in a nearby recliner looking around at the décor. Throughout the years we’ve added personal touches, as well as a ton more taxidermy. “I guess Van is going to stay pissed at me all weekend?”

  “Are you at all surprised?”

  An air-filled cackle comes out. “Not in the least. Chicken shit. Clowns are cool. They’re cute, especially when they ride tricycles and honk big red horns.”

  “What’re you, five?”

  “I’d like to think I stay young for the kiddos. Not everyone can relate to mac and cheese and chocolate milk.”

  Colt, like always, shakes his head and continues the task of making sure the fire heats the cabin for the whole night. We’ve woken up many times to a freezing house. “It’s supposed to rain tomorrow, so I suggest you find a way to make peace with Van. Knowing her, she’s probably scheming on how to pay your ass back.”

  “Oh, I’m ready for her. I’m always ready. I brought a bag full of tricks just in case.”

  I can tell Colt is contemplating whether that’s true or not. What he doesn’t know is that there’s more in store for him as well. All I have to do is wait and bide my time until he’s vulnerable, and then I’m going to strike like a viper.

  “You up for a game of cards?” Colt asks as he sits down on the other recliner. Picking up my beer, I finish off the last of the foam at the bottom and stand to head over to the refrigerator for another.

  “We should probably head down the hill and get that wood loaded up before the girls get back. I mean, they’ll wonder what we did all day if not.”

  “Miranda might expect you to do your chores like a good little boy, but I’m here to relax.”

  I stop walking and turn to face him. It’s so obvious he may as well have it written across his face. “What’s up with you lately? You’ve lost your, hmm, what would you call it, southern charm?”

  “Nothing. All is good.”

  I can spot a liar from a mile away. “What gives? It must be juicy if you’re not telling me. You got eyes for another?” I’m joking to get a rise out of him. Colt is a one-woman man. He’s proven that. It still doesn’t prevent me from giving him a hard time about it. Anything I can do to irritate him.

  “It’s none of your damn business,” he offers. “Just leave it at that.”

  “It’s Van.” I know she’s not sick. We come visit every year when she has her annual tests done. Van would tell me if something was wrong with her or the kids. We talk just as much as Colt and I do. She’s my morning call when I’m heading out the house. Miranda likes to sleep until the sun is up, now that most of the time I’m just supervising over the ranch. Van keeps me filled in with her family drama, and I do the same with mine. Our parents are getting pretty up there in age and we like to be informed. Besides, I’d like to think she’s one of my best friends, alongside Miranda and Colt.

  “It ain’t Van. Unless she’s keeping a secret from me, it’s not my wife.”

  “So it’s something,” I continue to dig.

  “Just stop asking. I’m not talking about this. It’s nothing anyone has to worry about.”

  My brain goes right to the one topic Colt has always been uncomfortable about sharing. Then a light bulb flashes above my head, theoretically speaking of course. “You’re having trouble getting it up aren’t you?”

  Colt abruptly stands then proceeds to head outside without a single explanation. When I realize I’ve hit the nail on the head I’m faced with backlash as to what it means and how hard it must be for him. I’d only been partially joking when I was digging for the truth, but this is big. It’s like the end of his manhood. There’s no consoling a man who isn’t able to use the most important part of his body. Being like a brother to me, I can only feel his pain. If this is what his problem is, it’s no wonder the guy is losing his shit over every little thing. I’d be a wreck. I’d have to be put in a mental institution that played twenty-four-seven porn until my shit figured out how to operate again. This isn’t a laughing matter.

  Colt is standing at the far end of the wrap around porch looking out into the woods. If he wanted a view he would have gone out on the back deck, so I know this is only to get away from me. “Look man, I didn’t mean to ruffle any feathers.”

  “It is what it is, cuz. What am I supposed to say?”

  “Well, if your dick isn’t working…”

  “It’s not just that Ty. It’s not something I want to talk to Savanna about. She’s got enough going on than to worry about me. I can live with it. It’s just pissing me off more than anything, because I know what she’s going to say. She’s going to blame herself. She’ll probably want to go to therapy and talk to some stranger about how my dick isn’t working. Then other people will find out. I’m not in the mood to be the brunt of everyone’s jokes. I’m pissed you know.”

  “Are you telling me Van has no idea?”

  “We’ve been busy. When we were intimate I did other things and told her I was tired. She doesn’t know.”

  This is bad. I’m not sure what to say to a man who has lost his ability to perform. My dick and I have the perfect relationship. I keep him happy and he keeps me happy. “If you don’t use it you’ll lose it, that’s what they say right?”

  When he faces me I can tell it wasn’t the time to offer some humor. He’s right it’s not funny, but I’m not comfortable with this. It’s only natural I’d try to joke my way out of the conversation. “Have you gone to the doctors?”

  Colt nods. “He said it happens to a lot of men my age. He wanted to prescribe me pills, but I really ain’t into walking around with a hard on for three hours.”

  “Yeah, I heard you’re a minute man.” Another inappropriate comment. “Err, sorry, dude.”

  “You can’t help it. I know you’re reeling. You’re probably exploding inside because you now have a lifetime of cracks at me.”

  “Man, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

  “You used to tell your daughter that we had erectile dysfunctio
n. You probably made this shit happen.”

  We both sort of guffaw. “I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Without a dick a man is…” Stopping myself from another foot in the mouth, I decide to console him. “It’s probably stress.”

  “The doc said that much. I figured coming up here for the weekend might help.”

  “Wait,” I pause, “you were going to get it on in the room next to me and my wife?”

  He rolls his eyes. “Like you’ve never forced us to listen to your asses. We would have been discreet and courteous. I just need some time to figure this out. It’s going to kill me to tell Savanna.”

  “You think she’ll leave you for a younger guy?”

  He shoves me. “Shut the hell up!”

  “She won’t. To be honest, she probably wouldn’t care. To Van, love isn’t about sex. Besides, you don’t need me to tell you that there’s lots more to making love than sticking it in.”

  “All I want is to make my wife happy. Right now, I can’t give her everything, and it’s killing me. I’m on edge. I try to keep it to myself, but it’s weighing heavily on me. It’s a part of me. How would you feel?”

  “I told ya. I’d be committed.” I wait a moment. “But it’s not the end of the world, Colt. It’s not. You have it all, man. You’ll find your groove and get it back.”

  “Not with your help. I don’t need porn or strippers. I need some alone time with my wife. That’s all.”

  I hold up my hands. “Your secret is safe with me. I won’t say a word.”

  The girls return to the cabin just as the sun is setting. They’re high on life, shimmering skin and all. We took it upon ourselves to prepare supper, consisting of roasted venison on the grill with peppers and potatoes. The four of us sit down at the table and pray before digging in. I’m not sure why, but I can’t get Colt’s dick problem off my mind. I keep looking at Van and wondering how she’d take the news. She’d be concerned. She’d want to get a second and third opinion and then Colt’s private business would be spread around town like a wild fire.