Light My Fire

by Lucy Snow

  We walked down the hall toward Professor Stevens’ office. I felt like I was being scolded, like she was leading me to the principal’s office in middle school after I hadn’t done my homework.

  Professor Stevens cleared her throat as we walked. “Avery, is there a reason you’re not going somewhere for the holidays? Even home?” The look in her dark, grey, eyes behind her glasses was apologetic, bordering on pitying — very different from the stern and austere teacher I’d made quasi-friends with over the course of the semester.

  There was a big assumption underlying the professor’s question — why wasn’t I going somewhere with friends or family? I hated answering questions like that, because then I had to face facts, and facts weren’t always on my side.

  “That’s, uh, kinda the reason I’m not going anywhere.” Professor Stevens stopped and looked at me, and I knew I had her full attention again. I stopped alongside her in the hallway and I shifted from foot to foot, trying to find the right words. “Home isn’t really the best place for me right now.”

  She cocked her head to the side, her eyes gleaming like she’d found the last piece to a puzzle. “Your parents, again?”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” Professor Stevens faced forward and we started walking again. It was a little awkward — kinda felt like she wanted to ask more, wanted to comfort me, but at the same time held herself back.

  We passed a group of three students coming out of another final, chattering amongst themselves, comparing their answers to questions. I could see the smiles on their tired faces, and the relief that showed through how they walked — like there was extra swagger there now that they were free. I could tell that each of them were thrilled exams were over and that they could finally go to wherever they were spending their winter breaks.

  Where was I going? Back to my empty dorm room. Even my roommate had cleared out after her last final had ended a couple days earlier. It had been nice having the room all to myself to study, but I could already tell it was gonna get lonely fast in there.

  We arrived at Professor Stevens’ small office and she unlocked the door. I stood in the doorway while she went to her desk and dropped her bag on it, and when she looked back at me, it was if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Her smile was quick, but it disappeared as soon as our eyes locked, like she had just remembered to temper her happiness around me.

  “Come in, Avery, don’t just stand there,” she said as she puttered around the office, gathering books, papers, and other supplies and stacking them on her desk. “I’m just getting a few things I’ll need for grading before I head out.”

  “Where, uh, are you spending the break, Professor Stevens?”

  She smiled again. “My sister has a house on the beach in Florida - I’m flying down tomorrow and then I’m going to sit in an easy chair for the next week. I’ll have to be careful not to give out too many good grades after I’ve had a couple drinks in me!” She was almost vibrating around the room, she was so happy.

  “That sounds really nice,” I said, trying to drum up some enthusiasm.

  Professor Stevens stopped when she was back behind her desk, surveying all the things she’d stacked up. She frowned at me. “Oh, I’m sorry, Avery, I didn’t mean to come off like that.”

  “It-it’s fine, really.” I looked around. “I should get going. Places to go, you know, people to see.” I chuckled, but there wasn’t any force behind it.

  Professor Stevens dug into my soul with her look. “You know, Avery, if I were you, I might rethink my winter holiday plans.” She held up her hands to ward off any potential objections when she saw the look on my face. “I know, I know, you and your parents don’t see eye to eye on a whole lot of things, and I don’t mean to pry, but…”

  She trailed off, and I started, “It’s OK…”

  “Hear me out,” she said, cutting me off. “You don’t think your parents understand you.” I nodded. “It’s the oldest story in the book, Avery. Everyone goes through it,” she chuckled. “I could tell you stories about my own blow ups with my parents, but I’ll save that for…well, never, hopefully.”

  “Anyway, my point is that even if you don’t agree with them, you might want to take the chance to at least try and convince them one more time that you think you’re doing what’s best for you. Because not everyone gets that chance.”

  I nodded, seeing her point. Sure, my parents didn’t like the choices I had made, but at the same time, I knew they always had what they thought were my best interests at heart. I never doubted their intentions or their love for me, even if I wasn’t thrilled with their opinions

  “Plus,” Professor Stevens added, “any time in Meridian beats two weeks in this place, especially with no one else around, yeah?”

  I thought about it for a moment before I started laughing, and Professor Stevens quickly joined me. “You-you’re right,” I said, nodding and wiping away the hint of a tear that formed around my left eye. “It’s already a ghost town.” Not that it mattered much - I hadn’t made any close friends during my time here. I knew plenty of people, but I hadn’t really gotten close to anyone — just seemed like something that might come back to haunt me in the end.

  “And tomorrow, hell, this afternoon, will be much worse. Nothing but ghosts and snow. Sometimes it’s tough to tell the difference between the two.” She started scooping the books and papers into her bag. “You’ve got to make up your own mind, of course — if anything I know you’re good at that, Avery. But you’ve got a couple weeks, maybe you and your parents can figure something out, and you can get a change of scenery?”

  Professor Stevens had a point. Staying here was really just hiding from the growing rift between me and my parents, and it would only get worse the longer I let it linger. I only had one more semester at school — if there was any hope that my parents would come to my graduation in the spring I knew I had to see them, convince them that I was doing the right thing.

  Professor Stevens watched me, giving me the space to turn all these things over in my mind. “You’re right,” I blinked, and she smiled. “I should really go and see them.” The more I thought about it the more it made sense. “I don’t have a good reason to stay here besides, uh, avoiding them.”

  “And that’s not a terrible reason,” she said, “but if it’s the only one you’ve got…”

  “Yeah, you’re right.” I drew myself up. “Thanks, Professor Stevens, I’m gonna get going and see if I can catch the bus to Meridian.”

  “You do that,” she said. “Don’t forget about the storm coming, as if that were possible given the news these last couple weeks, so make sure you get home as quickly as possible.” She busied herself with her stacks of papers again. “Come back and tell me all about it, alright?”

  “Sure thing. And I want to hear all about the beach, yeah?”

  As soon as I said the word her eyes glazed over as if she was already there. “Tomorrow can’t get here soon enough, Avery.” I watched her for a moment more as she absentmindedly picked at some pens on her desk, and I could tell that she’d already forgotten I was there.

  And with that, I left her office and headed back to my dorm room, pulling my coat a little tighter around me as I opened the door to the English building and braced myself against the cold wind.

  The English building had gardens all around it, but with all this snow on the ground, all you could make out were some trees and bushes. There were a few people around, but everyone looked to be in a real hurry — no snowballs in sight. I was both surprised and a little sad. Sometimes a good snowball fight was just what the doctor ordered.

  I stopped at a crossroads for a moment before continuing toward my building. I was close to the middle of campus, and from here I could see snow-capped buildings all around me.

  It was strange to me that this campus had become my home over the last couple years. My first year here had been a little rough; being away from home was a major adjustment f
or me, even though I was thrilled to get away from my family.

  It was only during my second year that I really started to get used to being on my own, being around people who were also just getting used to being on their own for the first time in their lives.

  Of course college wasn’t all roses all the time, but now as I was getting ready to leave for a couple weeks, as I looked around, I knew that I was going to miss this place.

  I shook my head as I started walking back toward the dorm. It wasn’t like I was going away forever — and sure spending the winter break with my family might feel like an eternity, but it was only a couple weeks - I’d be back before I knew it. No reason to worry.

  I made it back to the dorm, shaking off the light dusting of snow that had accumulated in the hood of my jacket, and brushing past a guy who was dragging his suitcase behind him out the door to a car waiting in front of the building.

  I passed by the elevator and was just about to open the door to the stairwell when I hesitated, my hand on the doorknob. My building was 8 stories tall, and there was only one elevator. It had become an unspoken rule that people living on the 2nd and 3rd floors would take the stairs so people on the upper floors wouldn’t have to wait forever to get down.

  I lived on the 3rd floor, so the stairs had become a habit, but now, with the building nearly empty, I decided to treat myself.

  It felt great, even though I only saved myself 30 seconds.

  The building felt strangely silent as I walked down the hall to my room — this was by far the quietest it had ever been. The hum of college life was now absent.

  I got to my room and packed quickly, debating the entire time whether I should call my parents and let them know I was coming. I knew they’d be overjoyed to have me, but I also didn’t want to give them any advance warning so they could start scheming and looking for a way to keep me from coming back to school after break was over. I wasn’t going to let that happen.

  Nope, no call this time. I’d surprise them. They wouldn’t know what to think, and fingers crossed they’d stay disoriented until I left in a couple weeks.

  Fingers crossed.

  Just when I was finished packing, right before zipping up my bags, it hit me that I’d forgotten something, and I zeroed in on it sitting under a dark lamp hovering over the nightstand next to my bed — even if you spun me around in the dark I’d know where it was.

  I walked over and picked the diary up off its perch and pulled it close to me, clicking it open and seeing Naomi’s smiling face from the polaroid tapped to the inner cover staring back at me. I couldn’t believe I’d almost left her behind!

  I hurried back to my bag with the diary from the nightstand’s drawer, sealing the book in its protective case before stowing them in the bag. I glanced at the clock as I gave my room one last look around to see if I’d forgotten anything I’d need for the next two weeks, before heading back out into the snow.

  The school’s bus station was on the East end of campus, and getting there took a little longer than I expected — it had started snowing faster while I was packing and the paths were quickly filling up again. I wondered if the grounds staff would even bother to clear out the snow during the break, or wait till the storm blew over first. I felt my teeth chattering and already planned to ask the bus driver to crank up the heat when I got on board.

  The station itself was small and ordinary looking, almost like a drive through at a restaurant. There was a bored looking attendant behind the counter, and he was only slightly thrilled to sell me a ticket on the next bus to Meridian.

  After he handed me back my credit card, he looked out just past my shoulder. “Storm’s coming,” he said, his face darkening. “You’ll probably be the last bus we send out of here.” He smiled at me. “Lucky you!”

  “Yeah,” I said, suddenly grateful to be on the way out of here. What was I thinking before? “Have a good winter break.”

  He waved and I walked out of the station to the loading zone. The bus was already waiting and a genial older man in a faded dark blue driver’s jumpsuit sat in the driver’s seat. I couldn’t see from where I stood if anyone else was already on board, but I figured I wasn’t going to be the only passenger.

  For some reason when I thought of a bus you’d take from a school, visions of those yellow elementary school buses jumped into my head. I laughed to myself — this was definitely not one of those.

  As soon as he saw me coming toward the bus, the driver jumped up and rushed down and outside. “Hey there,” he said, cracking a smile. “You’re the first one on this run. Let me get your bag.”

  “Thanks.” I gave him my bag and watched him slide it into the open luggage compartment underneath the cabin. I started up the steps onto the bus, leaning into the rush of heat coming from inside, shivering. “I’m really the only one?”

  “So far,” the driver said, coming up behind me. We both headed up the stairs. “Choose any seat you like!” He gestured toward the back. “I don’t mind either way.” He tapped his pocket. “I’ve got tunes to listen to just fine.”

  That was a relief - I always felt like it was my responsibility to keep conversations going on long rides, especially when there were only two people along. He must have guessed that.

  The driver settled back into his seat as I picked a spot in the fourth row, just close enough that I’d be able to hear him if necessary. Almost immediately I felt a blast of frigid air hit me in the face. I looked toward the front of the bus.

  “Sorry about that!” The driver smiled at me through the mirror hanging over the front center of the windshield. “With only the two of us it’s gonna get cold in here, so I turned on the heat a little earlier than I figured. It’ll start to heat up soon.”

  The rush of air had already started to heat up, so I smiled and gave him the thumbs up as I set my bag in the seat next to me and looked out the window down the path I’d walked up to get to the bus station.

  No one was coming. Glancing at my phone I saw that we were getting close to departure time. “Doesn’t look like anyone else is joining us,” I said, loud enough for the driver to hear.

  “Sure doesn’t,” he replied. As if on cue, the attendant from inside the bus station came running out, clasping his thin windbreaker around his shoulders with one hand, blowing steam from his mouth onto the other as he clambered up the bus steps.

  “Weather report says the storm’s picking up, you should get out of here if you’re gonna leave.” The attendant looked back toward the path. “No one else’s coming, get a move on!”

  The driver nodded and smiled at me through the mirror. “You ready for this? Could get a little bumpy.”

  This wasn’t a bus route that made stops, we were gonna start here and go direct to Meridian. Since I was the only passenger, it was almost as if the bus driver was asking my permission — did I really want to venture out with this storm looming overhead, turning the sky in front of us a dark shade of grey well before the hour called for it?

  Just an hour ago I was sure I would stay in school for the winter break, but now I desperately wanted to get out of here, if only to sit my parents down and tell them once and for all that I was almost done with college, and that I was going to finish it before I figured out what else I wanted to do with my life.

  And that I wasn’t going to get married right away, like they clearly wanted - I wasn’t even close to ready. Grad school maybe, or getting a job. Whatever it was, it certainly didn’t involve settling down and having children in my early 20s.

  Hell, I didn’t even have a boyfriend.

  My parents might not want to hear it, but it was time to have this conversation once and for all. They had ideas about how they wanted my life to go, and it was time to tell them, make them understand that I had goals too, and that while I wanted to do right by them, I wasn’t going to sacrifice what I wanted just to do that.

  “Yeah, I’m ready. Let’s do this.”

  And we were off.

  CHAPTER 02 -
EAMES

  Earlier that day…

  There was a storm coming. I could tell that much when I opened my eyes. The cabin felt different. My breath pushed clouds of steam upward toward the dark wooden slats of the ceiling, and I wiggled my fingers and toes under the thin blanket to wake them up.

  Storms weren’t anything new around here, but this one felt different already. They say people who’ve suffered injuries can tell when bad weather is coming from how their joints ache. This was something like that, only I didn’t have any injuries to speak of.

  I guessed I could call it instinct honed after many storms in many far away places.

  I sat up in bed, trying not to shiver as the cold air of the cabin washed over my suddenly uncovered skin. I looked over at the fireplace and tossed around lighting the fire first thing, but decided in the end not to burn the extra wood, since I’d be heading outside soon.

  On the other side of the small single roomed cabin was a makeshift desk and chair. My computer sat on the desk, the small generator I used to charge its battery just underneath. After the time I’d put into charging it last night, I’d be good for another few days.

  I winced as my feet hit the frozen floor, and I slowly stepped toward the desk, careful not to slip. Getting hurt out here would probably result in dying alone in the frosted wilderness of New Hampshire, and that wasn’t something I was looking forward to just yet.

  After checking that there was no pressing business matters that needed my attention, I closed the computer and pushed it to the side of the desk, satisfied that I had earned myself another day to explore after a hard 3 minutes of serious work.

  I glanced out the window and shivered in advance, not looking forward to what I was about to do, but knowing that my own carefully prescribed routine meant I didn’t really have any other choice. I pulled on some shorts and my shoes, grabbed my towel, and opened the cabin door.

  The wind hit my bare body like a cannon, and all I could think about as I started jogging down the path away from the solitary cabin standing among the forest of trees launching themselves high into the sky and covering the ground with a thick canopy was that my bed, meager as it was, sounded really appealing right now.