Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters

by Forward, Susan

  Sexual abuse only occurs in deeply troubled families where role definitions and boundaries are totally blurred and violated. I have treated a vast number of victims and guided them through their brave journey to regain their confidence, their dignity, and most of all, their self-respect. For this section, I have chosen one representative case that offers a window into the collusion of the silent mother and the abuser. If you were sexually abused and unprotected, I think you’ll find many elements of your experience here. And I want to assure you: You, too, can heal. The process starts now, with fearlessly facing what happened.

  Kathy: Wounds You Must Tend To

  Kathy was a smartly dressed thirty-three-year-old who worked as an account executive with an ad agency. She told me she was concerned that her two young girls were suffering because of her recurrent depression, which she wisely recognized as being triggered by the long-term effects of untreated sexual abuse by her father. Her story was all too familiar.

  KATHY: “I’ve been struggling with this for most of my life. My father started abusing me when I was eight years old. It was horrible… . I tried to tell myself it could have been worse, that other people have suffered so much more, but since I’ve had kids, I’ve noticed how the memories have gotten so much stronger. Anyway, I get really sad, and I’m here because I don’t want my babies to think they’re the cause of my pain. I noticed that my older daughter gets tummy aches when I’m in the dumps, like she can sense my depression. She doesn’t deserve that. So I think it’s time to see if I can really deal with my past. I’ve done a lot of reading and tried to do some work on myself over the years. I thought I was better, but I was wrong. I’m not done.”

  Kathy was wise to come in. Sexual abuse is one life experience that absolutely mandates professional help. Depression is as constant as the change of seasons for people who’ve been through what Kathy had experienced. But the more you work with a good therapist, the more the memories of abuse lose their power over you. Doing that work is a loving gift to yourself and your family.

  The first step, I told Kathy, was to talk about what had happened in her house when the abuse was taking place. Naturally, it was difficult, but she summoned her courage and plunged ahead.

  KATHY: “The bad stuff started when I was eight. We’d be sitting on my parents’ bed watching TV and my dad started wanting to play ‘ride the horse,’ with me bouncing against what I learned later was his erection. I didn’t know what was going on at first. Then he started to put his hands and his mouth on me, and he made me touch him… . He never penetrated me. But it was awful, Susan… .”

  SUSAN: “Of course it was. You were confused. You were frightened. And you don’t have to have been penetrated to be sexually abused.”

  Sexual abuse encompasses a whole range of actions that may or may not involve penetration. All of them involve the betrayal of trust and the wielding of the abuser’s power to coerce or involve the victim. Exposing genitals to a child, showing her pornography, and asking her to undress and expose herself to him fall on this spectrum, even though there may not be actual physical contact. When there is contact, abuse can take myriad forms—touching the child’s genitals, buttocks, or breasts or having the child touch the adult’s; rubbing against the child; penetration with fingers or objects; oral sex; intercourse.

  Your body—all of it—is where you live, and your whole being feels the impact when it is violated. Bottom line: Any kind of behavior with a child that has to be kept secret probably falls under the heading of sexual abuse. And like all the examples given above, it’s almost certain to be a criminal act.

  THE SILENT PARTNER: DENIAL AND ACCUSATIONS

  Kathy’s abuse went on for years, and I asked her if she’d ever told anyone.

  KATHY: “My father warned me not to say anything, but I told my mother when I was ten. I wanted it to stop! But she essentially did nothing! She talked to my dad, and he said he would never do it again, that he would get counseling. None of it was true. The sexual abuse went on and on.”

  A loving mother, knowing that her daughter was being molested, would rear up in fury and take steps to end the abuse. “If anyone touched my baby like that,” one caller to my former radio program told me, “I’d want to kill him, and I’d call the police in a minute!” She was the epitome of the protective warrior mother, and every daughter deserves a mother like that. But a daughter whose mother lacks that righteous anger and strength may be abandoned for years to attacks on her body and being.

  Worse, her inadequate mother may make her feel responsible for her own abuse, as we saw earlier with Nina. The words are as corrosive as acid when such a mother blames her victim daughter:

  • He would never do something like that. You must have come on to him.

  • You could have stopped him if you wanted to.

  • You must have enjoyed it.

  • If you hadn’t worn those tight shorts, this never would have happened.

  She may flat out deny that the abuse is happening with words like: “You’re making this up to get attention.” “That’s impossible.” “You’re saying this to get back at him.”

  If she deigns to “protect” her daughter, it often takes the form of an ineffectual “Put a lock on your door” or “Just stay away from him.”

  How is this kind of denial, callousness, and complicity possible? Like the other mothers in this chapter, the woman who allows her daughter to be sexually abused is passive, fearful, self-absorbed. She may be terrified of what might happen if the family were split up. She may be afraid of the shame or guilt she’d feel if others were to find out. She may believe that her daughter’s abuse is the price she has to pay for her husband’s financial support of the family and fear the turmoil and consequences she would have to face if she took action.

  In some instances, she may even be jealous of her daughter. It’s not uncommon for such a mother to feel that she’s been replaced in the marriage, mistaking the brute power dynamic of sexual abuse for a sexually based act, and seeing her young daughter as a competitor for her husband. If the father is a successful professional, as many incest perpetrators are, she may not want to give up the goodies that go with that—financial security and a big house are often more important to her than her daughter.

  This crippled mother is almost completely devoid of empathy and compassion. Love and protection aren’t in her emotional vocabulary.

  THE SECOND LEVEL OF BETRAYAL

  I can’t overstate the impact a mother’s response has on the way a daughter heals from any kind of abuse. It’s crucial to the way her daughter thinks about what’s happened to her and the way she feels about herself in the aftermath. A loving mother believes what her daughter tells her, assures her she did nothing wrong, and takes action to ensure that the abuse will never be repeated, often by getting a divorce or having the abuser arrested. In the absence of this essential validation, the abused daughter feels damaged, dirty, and different—the Three D’s of incest.

  Kathy coped initially by isolating herself, as some victims do, hiding behind a wall of weight, with the erroneous belief that that would make her less desirable and therefore safe.

  KATHY: “I had no interest in dating for a long time. Who would want me? I was the girl whose own father did awful things to her. I ate to fill the gap, the loneliness. I didn’t trust anyone, and I was stressed all the time. In college I put on a lot of weight, and that made me feel even worse about myself. I got some counseling for my depression and managed to lose a lot of it, but I was still convinced I would never feel loved… .

  “After college I got an internship at an ad agency, and then a real miracle happened.”

  At work, Kathy began a friendship with Ethan, a man who was kind and playful. Their mutual attraction became a romance.

  KATHY: “Ethan has really been great. I know it hurts him to know the specifics of my pain. He’s heard it for the thirteen years of our relationship, and he’s stood by me while I’ve been trying to get better. He’s
been a godsend.”

  But even with Ethan’s love and support, she was never sure when memories of her abuse, which were largely dormant early in the relationship, would overtake her. They flared up when each of her daughters was born, and sometimes when her husband bathed or dressed the girls. This is not uncommon; having children is one of the most powerful triggers for reactivating dark memories. Other triggers can include the death of a parent, a scene of abuse in a television show or movie, even seeing your daughter reach the age you were when you first were abused.

  KATHY: “Mom feels that this should be behind us, and she recently told me that she won’t talk about it because it is embarrassing to her. She has no idea what embarrassment is. I’m at a point where I don’t want her denial and negativity in my life. She acts as if nothing happened. I want to put this behind me, too, but she won’t help. And I am so furious about that. They say you need to forgive before you can move on. I wish I could.”

  SUSAN: “What your mother did was terrible, Kathy, and there’s no need to forgive her despite what a lot of people may tell you. But you do have to release the power and control that her betrayal has had over you. Forgiveness is not a magic wand that you can wave to change everything, especially when your parents have done nothing to take responsibility for their destructive behavior.”

  KATHY: “Thank you for saying that. Now that I have my two beautiful babies, the outrage keeps surfacing. I could never let anyone hurt my children. I would never put them in a situation where anyone could potentially harm them. I guess my challenge is to figure out why my mother didn’t feel the same way about me… .”

  I told Kathy that it’s not usually productive to focus on the “why,” because we may never get to the bottom of it. Healing comes from looking at what happened, how it affected you, and what we can do about it now.

  Wounded, Not Ruined

  Of all the things I’ve done in my long career, I’m proudest of the fact that I was one of the very first mental health professionals to take sexual abuse out of the cave of secrecy where it had been hidden and bring it into the light. It was a tough battle, and I talked (oh God, how I talked) on radio, on television, in seminars, and in newspaper interviews, until the public—and some very resistant members of the psychiatric profession—were willing to listen and sexual abuse became a subject that was no longer taboo. Today there’s a much greater understanding about the prevalence of such abuse, and the depths of the wounds it creates. There’s a better understanding, too, of physical abuse and neglect.

  I am always deeply moved and awed by the courage and determination of women like Emily, Kim, Nina, Deborah, and Kathy. Despite the betrayal of their mothers, with treatment, they not only survived but went on to lead fulfilling lives.

  I want to reassure you that if you are a victim of emotional neglect or physical or sexual abuse and were not comforted or cared for appropriately, your life is not a dead-end street. As severe as are the effects of neglect and abuse, the healing can be equally dramatic. You are not doomed, or cursed. You are wounded, not ruined, and great wisdom can come from your wounds: compassion, empathy, a sensitive barometer that lets you know when people are mistreating you. Using that wisdom is how we all make lemonade out of the lemons. Let me show you how.

  Part Two

  ***

  Healing

  the

  Mother Wound

  Introduction

  In the chapters that follow, you’ll see the highly effective techniques—role-playing, letter writing, visualizations, and powerful exercises—I used to take many of the women you have met in this book from their bewilderment, hurt, and anger to the freeing realization that the pain and confusion they felt with their mothers wasn’t their fault.

  As you follow along, and do some of the exercises yourself, you, too, will come to know that you are not responsible for your mother’s unloving behavior. There was nothing about you that deserved to be emotionally abandoned or smothered or abused or bullied or used to build your mother up while grinding you down. You deserved to be loved, and your mother didn’t or couldn’t give you the warmth, safety, support, and feeling of being cherished that you needed so much. Some of our work in these chapters will be aimed at helping you accept that truth at the deepest levels of your being. Before you can heal—and make sound decisions about how to handle your relationship with your mother—your head, your gut, and your heart must all fully acknowledge what happened to you.

  I know from personal experience, as well as from my clients and the letters and e-mails I receive, how much that acknowledgment hurts. But once you have the courage to accept the truth, you can free yourself from the wounds of inadequate mothering. Go at your own pace. Read a little of this book and then take the time to let what you’ve read sink in before going on. Don’t try to stuff your feelings. You will probably cry a lot—and that’s fine. Grief and anger are a natural, necessary part of this process. Remember, tears are like rivers that start in one place and flow to another—they can help carry you to healing.

  Please keep in mind that the exercises in these chapters are not intended to replace in-person work with therapists, support groups, or 12-step programs. If you experienced physical or sexual abuse growing up, it is imperative that you get professional help. If you are currently using drugs or alcohol to ease your pain, you need to join a 12-step program or work with an addiction specialist and be sure that you have at least three months of sobriety before taking on the work in this book. In the early stages of recovery, you are extremely vulnerable, and your emotions are very raw. Delving into difficult memories of your childhood at that point could cause you to slip back into old patterns of substance abuse. Also, if you are or have been struggling with depression, you need to know there are many ways of treating it now. It’s vital to know that you are not alone.

  We’ll begin in the cool, cognitive realm of the head before getting to the work we’ll do with the heart. A healthy person is able to think and feel, and I’ll help you balance both. If you don’t fall into the categories I described above, you certainly can do some of this work on your own; the communication exercises in particular are safe for most anyone, and they’re highly transformative. But remember that you’ll get the greatest benefit by using this part of the book in conjunction with professional support.

  You will be dealing with feelings that can be overwhelming, and it’s important that you have someone to turn to as you embark on this journey. If you’re in therapy or plan to be, you may want to take this book with you to your sessions and do some of this work in that setting. It’s a sign of strength, not weakness, to seek out the help you need. Remember, too, that you can return to these pages again and again for guidance, validation, and support.

  Some Guidelines for Choosing a Good Therapist

  If you decide that you’d like the help of a therapist, be sure that the person you’re going to work with is comfortable and experienced in dealing with unhealthy families and the damage they do. If your relationship with your mother has been painful and scarring, you need a therapist who isn’t afraid of diving into the muck with you so that you can come out stronger and healthier.

  Please don’t stay with a therapist who hears your history and says things like:

  • That’s all in the past—you need to move on.

  • Let’s just deal with the here and now.

  • You need to cut your mother some slack. She had problems, too.

  • You don’t want to spend your life feeling sorry for yourself.

  • You need to forgive and forget and get on with your life.

  All of these comments are dismissive, and they discount your feelings and experience. Working with a person who approaches your past that way will only confuse and frustrate you, further reinforcing the self-blame you may already feel. (“Why am I being such a baby?” “Why can’t I get over this?”) Look for a therapist who works actively with you instead of just sitting back and saying, “Uh-huh” or “How do you f
eel about that?” You want a person who gives you feedback and actively engages with you. Trust your instincts. If you don’t feel comfortable, safe, or truly heard when you’re with a therapist, he or she is not the person for you.

  Be Gentle—There’s No Rush

  Be very kind to yourself, and during the time you’re using this part of the book, give yourself extra time to write, walk, think, and rest. Your emotions may be volatile and heightened as you work with the material in some of these chapters, so don’t make any major decisions until you are calmer and able to think clearly and rationally. If you are having problems in a love relationship and are confused about whether you want to salvage it, don’t make any impulsive moves until you have worked on the situation with your mother.

  I can’t promise you that simply reading these chapters will magically change your life and heal the damage that came from your mother’s unloving behavior—that would be irresponsible of me. What I can promise is that if you use the strategies I will teach you, your pain and confusion will lessen. You will be able to see both yourself and your mother in a new, true light. That vital clarity will provide a platform from which you can make healthy decisions about your relationship with her, and rebuild your life.

  Chapter 7

  The Beginnings of Truth

  “I’m starting to see it wasn’t all my fault.”

  • You say yes when you want to say no.

  • You vow to stand up for yourself, but you retreat again and again.

  • You can’t find a way to evolve, claim your own life, and step out of your mother’s shadow.

  None of this is logical. Rationally, you know you have many choices. “I’m an adult. I should be able to tell my mother I can’t have lunch with her without being swamped with guilt,” you tell yourself. “I’m able to reschedule lunches with friends—so what’s the problem? Why is it so hard to do something so simple?”