EMILY: “The big sticking point for me is that I just don’t feel … qualified to be a mother. How can you give a child what you didn’t have yourself? One thing I refuse to do is have a child and then screw up somehow. And given my history, I’ll probably get everything all wrong.”
I assured Emily that with all the work we had done, she didn’t need to be afraid to have children. She had a keen sense of how she wanted to act as a mother, which she could depend on to guide her.
To help her see that for herself, I gave her the assignment of spending some time during the week watching friends, relatives, and strangers interact with their children. “Watch how a good mother behaves, and what the impatient, angry ones do,” I told her. “The best mothers pay attention to their children, and at the playground, they’re the ones waving back to their kids on the jungle gym rather than texting every minute. They’re protective, but not smothering. Notice how they praise and encourage their children for trying, not necessarily for succeeding. And watch the way they use discipline. If their children misbehave, they’ll take away privileges, but they won’t assault their dignity or value. You won’t have any trouble telling the good moms from the bad. Remember: If you can recognize loving behavior, you can emulate it.”
Emily took my suggestion, and she reported back at our next session.
EMILY: “On Saturday morning I went to the playground in the park near where I live. There were a lot of moms. I sat on a bench by myself and watched the kids first. They were so great, so full of fun and energy. And so loud! And then I started watching the moms. There were lots who were hardly there. I could see how disappointed one little girl was when she got all the way to the top of the slide and was trying to get her mom’s attention, but Mom wouldn’t look up from her phone. But there were a couple of moms who seemed to be enjoying their kids as much as I was. It wasn’t that they were with them every second. They were just like home base, and their kids could run over and get a hug before they ran off again for their next adventure. And the smiles between them—I really loved it. That’s the kind of mom I’m going to be.”
I encourage you to spend time in this way, soaking up what the give-and-take of healthy nurturing looks like. It will support you in any kind of relationship, whether you have young children, grown children, or no children in your life at all. Absorbing the mix of connection and freedom, attention and affirmation, in the bonds between good mothers and their children will reinforce what you now know about the workings of genuine love.
If you’re considering becoming a parent, or want to improve your skills, I urge you to seek out some of the many, many resources available for mothers. Good examples and potential mentors are all around you, and whether you’re asking questions on a mommy blog or hanging out with a friend’s kids at the park, you can find opportunities to connect with the power of mothers’ wisdom, and the burst of energy that children can bring into your life. If you’re just imagining yourself as a mother, test the waters by being a loving “aunt” to a neighbor’s daughter, or by helping chaperone some second graders on a field trip. And if you’re already a mom, don’t isolate yourself from other mothers. Plug into a mothers’ network and risk being vulnerable with your questions and concerns. You don’t have to struggle alone.
Remember the People Who Have Genuinely Loved You
Genuine love values and respects you. It embraces and encourages. It makes you feel safe and celebrated for who you are. Your mother may not have been able to give you that kind of loving, but you got tastes of it from other people all the same. And you can connect with that by going back to the times in your life when someone made you feel cherished. Closing your eyes and sitting with the memory can bring the feeling to life again. You can amplify that feeling with the Good Mother Exercise, a visualization that will quickly bring you in contact with the power of real love.
Here’s how the exercise goes:
Sit in a quiet, comfortable place where you won’t be interrupted and bring to mind one of the people in your life who acted as a good mother to you. It might be an aunt, a teacher, a grandmother—someone who treated you with kindness and respect, someone who cared about your emotional well-being and wanted to nurture it. Close your eyes and imagine that you’re a little girl on a sandy beach with glittering waves washing gently onto the shore. Now picture your good mother coming toward you with a big smile and bright eyes that tell you how thrilled she is to see you. She runs toward you and wraps you up in her arms, and you bury your head in her shoulder. You feel safe, cared for. Stay in that place and those feelings as long as you like.
Now become that good mother yourself. Visualize holding that little girl—you—in your arms and say out loud, “I love you, sweetie. I treasure you. You’re a wonderful child. I’m so glad you’re my daughter. My life is so much richer because you’re in it. I love you very much.”
Those are the words of the mother we all deserved, and very few of us got.
Many of my clients feel very ripped off as they do this exercise for the first time. But I tell them to keep repeating it at home until the sadness diminishes. It will. The unconscious is a sponge, absorbing everything you send into it. And the more Good Mother Exercises you send it, the less room there will be in your head and in your heart for old, hurtful messages like “You’re a terrible girl. You can’t do anything right.”
Your unconscious won’t say, “That’s just me talking to myself.” It will absorb the experience. In essence, you’re reparenting yourself, giving yourself the mothering you deserved so much.
Soothe the Wounded Child You Were
You can take your reparenting one step further by writing a letter to the wounded child inside. Like the Good Mother visualization, this letter taps the good mother energy that’s always available to you and uses it to comfort the child you were. This letter speaks directly to old hurts, and it communicates in the words that the little girl inside you has waited a lifetime to hear.
In this letter, tell that child all the things you would have wanted your mother to say to you. Tell her that she is safe now and loved, and that you will always be there for her. It’s very important to write this letter even if you don’t have children and don’t plan to have any. You still need to comfort and validate that part of yourself so you’re free to love deeply and generously, without clinginess, desperation, or fear.
Here is a part of the letter that Emily wrote. It’s a wonderful example of how reparenting the child that you once were nourishes both the little you and the adult you.
Dear little Emily:
I am so sorry that you were not treated very well when you were little. I am so sorry that your mom was not affectionate with you. I am sorry that you were never cuddled. I’m sorry that your mom never did fun stuff with you like reading a book together, going to lunch together, going to a movie together. If I could be your mom, I would start by tucking you in every night, giving you a kiss, and telling you how much I love you and how special you are to me. I wish I could have been your constant companion. I wish I could have been a soft chest for you to cry on and warm arms to rock you and to whisper, “There, there, I know you’re so sad and angry. It’s okay, my darling—cry it out.”
The more you give that inner little girl the love she has always longed for, the more you will free up to give to your partner, friends, family, and, of course, your children. In this way you change not only yourself but also the world around you, and the lives of generations to come. There’s no need to fear that the love you’ve worked so hard to bring into your life is finite, that it will retreat or disappear. Love is like a homing pigeon—we send it out, but it always returns.
Real love, as you know so well now, doesn’t make people feel unlovable or inadequate, or as though there is something terribly wrong with them. Love feels warm and safe. It makes your life better, not worse.
You are capable of that kind of connection. And as you learn to give yourself the mothering that your mother could not offer you,
you are opening in yourself the ability to give—and receive—the tenderness and caring you’ve craved for so long. You have changed and grown. You can love.
Acknowledgments
I’m not a fan of long acknowledgments, but there are a few key people who were vitally important in bringing this book to fruition, and I want to thank them.
My gifted writing partner, Donna Frazier, as always, has been a source of enormous wisdom and strength. This is our fourth book together and not only are we still speaking but our relationship has grown closer over time.
My warrior agent, Joelle Delbourgo, has believed in me and my work from the time she was my editor for two of my previous books. She is also a very calming presence for this very emotional author.
My current editor, Gail Winston, brought her superb editorial skills and guidance to the project, and I am extremely grateful to her.
On a personal note, my wonderful daughter, Wendy, and her significant other, James McKay, constantly warm and enrich my life with their love, humor, and unflagging support.
And, finally, a deep thanks to the clients who gave so willingly of their stories and worked so courageously to heal their mother wounds.
Suggested Reading
Ackerman, Robert J. Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholics. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc., 2002.
Anderson, Susan. Black Swan: The Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery: Featuring the Allegory of the Little Girl on the Rock. Huntington, NY: Rock Foundation Press, 1999.
Beattie, Melody. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself. Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1986.
Brenner, Helene. I Know I’m In There Somewhere: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Her Inner Voice and Living a Life of Authenticity. New York: Penguin, 2003.
Brown, Nina. Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2008.
Collins, Bryn C. Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap. New York: McGraw Hill, 1998.
Cori, Jasmin Lee. The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed. New York: The Experiment, 2010.
Engel, Beverly. The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused—and Start Standing Up for Yourself. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, 2010.
Fenchel, Gerd H., ed. The Mother-Daughter Relationship: Echoes Through Time. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, Inc., 1998.
Forward, Susan, with Craig Buck. Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. New York: Bantam, 1989.
Forward, Susan, with Donna Frazier. Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. New York: HarperCollins, 1997.
Hotchkiss, Sandy. Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism. New York: Free Press, 2003.
Lazarre, Jane. The Mother Knot. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1976.
Lerner, Harriet, PhD. The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships. New York: HarperCollins, 2005.
Love, Patricia, with Jo Robinson. The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent’s Love Rules Your Life. New York: Bantam, 1990.
Martinez-Lewi, Linda. Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life. New York: Tarcher, 2008.
McBride, Karyl. Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. New York: Free Press, 2008.
Neuharth, Dan. If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World. New York: Harper Perennial, 1999.
Secunda, Victoria. When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life. New York: Dell, 1990.
Solomon, Andrew. The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression. New York: Scribner, 2002.
Spring, Janis Abrahms, PhD, with Michael Spring. How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To. New York: Perennial Currents, 2005.
Wegscheider-Cruse, Sharon. Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc., 2012.
Index
The pagination of this electronic edition does not match the edition from which it was created. To locate a specific passage, please use the search feature of your e-book reader.
abandonment:
emotional, 108–10, 159
fear of, 54
of unloving mother, 102, 179
abuse:
acknowledgment of mother’s role in, 233
behavior problems as response to, 109
blame shifted to victim of, 116–19, 127–28
establishing new normal relationship after, 233–38
mother’s failure to protect from, 3, 105, 110–19, 123–24, 127–30, 233–37
as obstacle to new normal relationship, 225–26
self-blame for, 110
surfacing memories of, 161
therapy for mother and daughter in, 233–38
see also abusive mothers; physical abuse; sexual abuse; verbal abuse
abusive mothers, 3, 4, 22–23, 105–31, 264
as distant and cold, 106–7, 158
messages of, 149
in need and crisis, 254–61
roots of, 107–8
addiction, as obstacle to new normal relationship, 225
see also alcohol abuse; drug abuse
adolescence:
evolving independence in, 110–11
in healthy mother-daughter relationship, 54
as trigger for unloving mothers, 40–41, 43
adoration, narcissistic addiction to, 29–31
Adult Daughter’s Bill of Rights, 195, 209
alcohol abuse, 87
daughter as target in, 97–98
by daughters of alcoholic mothers, 100
isolation and, 99
by mother, 96–104, 169
by partner, 115
rebellion through, 85
support as essential in, 136
alcoholic mothers, 96–104
expressing desires and needs to, 169
anger, 142, 156, 161
in abusive relationship, 105
at alcoholic mothers, 98, 101
apologizing for, 123
behind grief, 172–79, 184
as catalyst for change, 85
confrontation of, 175–76
rol as root of, 70, 81–85
denial of, 174
and depression, 85
directed at self, 188–90
in healing, 136
living with and through, 184–85
in mother’s ballistic response to boundary-setting, 216–20
movies and tv shows as models for realistic view of, 187
nonjudgmental acknowledgment of, 186
physical activity as release for, 187–88
physical symptoms of, 186
as response to lost childhood, 104
in sexual abuse, 235
tapping the wisdom in, 171–91
toolbox for handling, 185–91
using visualization to manage, 188
see also rage
anorexia, 84
anxiety, 2, 15, 34–35, 37, 39, 116, 197, 203, 226, 247
assertiveness, 193
attention, as goal of narcissistic mothers, 27–29, 48–49
behavior:
defined, 193
making changes in, 50, 192–205, 212, 252
mother’s response to changed, 204
belittling, 16, 69, 73, 86
Bill of Rights, Adult Daughter’s, 195, 209
bingeing and purging, 84
blame:
for alcoholism, 102
for breaking off act, 249
misplaced, 25, 32, 35, 140, 172, 209, 214, 219, 227
in neglect, 105
of oneself, see self-blame
shifted to abuse victim, 116–19
bo
nding:
bondage vs., 52–56
healthy, 54, 266
lack of, 105
boundaries, boundary-setting, 190, 206–21
crisis as challenge to, 253–62
deciding on reasonable consequences in, 211–12
defined, 209
determining one’s own goals in, 208–9, 218
enmeshed mother’s lack of, 51–68, 213–14
expressing one’s own desires in, 209–10
four-step process for, 208–12
handling mother’s resistance to, 210–21, 222, 238–41
scripting for, 216, 218–20
breaking off contact, 102, 103, 122, 169, 226, 241, 242–52
handling family occasions after, 250
as last resort, 242–44
sense of finality in, 246
strategies for handling reactions of family and friends to, 248–52
strategies for informing mother in, 245–47
bulimia, 84
bullies, bullying, 78–81, 86, 159
burdensome messages, 148–49
burial, symbolic exercise of, 182–84
calming, techniques for, 182–83, 220
cancer diagnosis, in mother, 254–61
careers, 5, 258
as caretakers, 100–101
sabotaging of one’s own, 146
stymied, 34–35, 37–38, 142
caretakers:
as career choice, 100–101
daughters as, 87–104, 159, 172–79, 226–27
in mother’s illness, 253–62
Chaney, Lon, 29
childhood:
confronting memories of, 136, 184–85
control as appropriate for, 69
daughters deprived of, 88–90, 104, 143, 160, 182
isolation in, 16–17
“little adults” in, 88–90
roots of dysfunction in, 8
Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters Page 24
