taking adult role in, 87–90, 93, 96–97, 102, 172, 226
violent, see physical abuse
children:
responsibility to, 103, 263
as targets of rage, 82–83
as trigger for memories of sexual abuse, 129
unwanted, 106–8
chores, 79, 104
college, leaving home for, 55
communication:
benefits of telephone in, 218–19
of decision to break off, 245–47
dialogue with inner child, 177–79, 181
empowering language in, 169
of false messages, 147–55
by letter, see letter writing, letters
nondefensive, see nondefensive communication
nonverbal, 68, 140, 147
verbal, 73, 147, 180
communication exercises, 136
competition:
emerging womanhood seen as, 38–42
by mother, 3, 21, 38–42, 148
by narcissists, 28–47, 168, 238–39
roots of, 43–44
confidence, 3, 6
building, 265
lack of, 2, 4, 142
conflict, avoidance of, 75
control:
as basis of sexual abuse, 123–26, 128
criticism as basis for, 73–74
in entrapment and bullying, 70–75
as expression of power, 84–85, 123–26
overt and direct, 69–70
and perfectionism, 75–81
rebellion as response to, 84–85
sadistic, 81–85, 161, 176–77
controlling mothers, 21, 69–86, 142, 159, 161, 176–77, 264
breaking off contact with, 242–52
conflict between partners and, 70–75, 217, 243–52
establishing new normal relationship with, 222, 225
expressing desires and needs to, 169
messages of, 148
roots of, 86
setting boundaries for, 217
counseling, see therapy
criminality, of sexual abuse, 126, 128
crisis:
as challenge to new normal relationship, 253–62
as opportunity for new relationship, 254, 257–58
critical mothers, 4, 21, 159, 264
expressing desires and needs to, 169
standing up to, 197–201, 209, 217, 222, 238–41, 252
criticism, 2, 3
of abused daughters, 116
of daughter’s partner, 70–75, 217, 243–52
as fountainhead for controlling mothers, 73–74
healthy response to, 32
inner commentary of, 39–40
narcissistic defense against, 29, 33, 35
by narcissists, 34, 36–38
and perfectionism, 75–81
programming through, 141
standing up to, 197–202
crying, 93, 136, 171, 173, 179, 190, 237, 269
daughters:
emerging womanhood of, 4, 38–41, 54–56
mother bond with, 5, 54, 266
responsibilities and rights of, 193–96
unloved, see unloved daughters
decision making, avoidance of, 75
defensiveness, as ineffective, 196–99, 205
deflection, 140
by narcissists, 27, 30–32
de Havilland, Olivia, 187
demeaning messages, 147–48, 197–98
denial, 4
of abuse, 112
in alcoholics, 102
of anger, 174
grief and, 191
by narcissists, 27, 30, 32–34
in sexual abuse, 126–28
“stuffing” as, 185
dependency, 26
on caretakers, 90–96
control and, 70
enmeshment and, 56–62
on sexual abusers, 124–25, 128
dependent mothers, 22, 87–104, 159, 172, 174–76, 264
alcohol and drug abuse by, 96–104
as childlike, 102–3
depression in, 94–104
establishing new normal relationship with, 226–29
in old age, sickness, or isolation, 253–62
depression:
anger and, 85
in daughters, 2, 16, 90, 96
in dependency, 94–104
as illness, 94–96
in mothers, 4, 22, 87, 142, 144, 226–29
as obstacle to new normal relationship, 225
sexual abuse and, 125, 129, 233
treatment for, 136, 228
deprivation, 5
derision, 73
devotion, of enmeshed mothers, 54
discipline, 265
disloyalty, 17, 159
dismissal, 32
distant mothers, 4, 106–7, 158
expressing desires and needs to, 168
divorce, 93, 128
of daughters, 62, 115
of mothers, 65
from one’s own mother, 251
drama queens, 27–31, 33, 48
drug abuse:
by daughters of addicted mothers, 99–101
dependency and, 96–104
in mothers, 22, 87, 96–104
rebellion through, 85
support as essential for, 136
duty, false messages of, 149
eating disorders, 84–85
embarrassment, 129, 142, 236
emotional boundaries, 207
emotions:
in breaking off contact, 246, 251
confronting, 171–91
false beliefs as basis for, 141–43
intellect vs., 19, 162
internalization of, 136, 146, 173–74
in line with new behavior, 201–3
painful, acknowledging of, 156–70
empathy, lack of, 20, 26–27, 128, 264
empowerment:
through asserting one’s own rights and responsibilities, 193–96
boundary-setting as, 214, 219, 224
in exorcising guilt, 248
through expressing desires and needs, 167–69, 206–7
through expression of anger, 176–77
in face of crisis, 261–62
language of, 169
in tea party relationships, 241
emptiness, 4
of enmeshed mothers, 55
as root of narcissism, 43–44
empty chair scenario, 175
empty nest syndrome, 55
endorphins, 187–88
enmeshed mothers, 21, 51–68
bondage vs. bonding of, 52–56
breaking off contact with, 242
establishing new normal relationship with, 223–25, 229–33
expressing desires and needs to, 168
messages of, 149
separation as betrayal of, 55–56
standing up to, 202–5
enmeshment:
dependency and, 56–62
guilt and, 59, 64, 66–68
and marital dysfunction, 52–53, 56–60, 229–33
overt control vs., 69–70
ritual and, 66
as two-way street, 67–68
false beliefs:
acceptance of, 142–43
in career, 146
demeaning, 147–48
internalizing of, 141–55
as lies, 151
in love, 145–46
nonverbal communication of, 147–55
obstacles to challenging, 144–45
recognizing, 139–55
separating truth from, 151–55
family, relatives:
abuse by, 22, 110, 124
of choice vs. blood, 251
destructive, 112–13
jealousy within, 46–47
in response to breaking off contact, 246–52
in role of good mother, 263
seeking validation from, 14, 15–17
strategies for handling reactions of, 248–52
family occasions, after breaking off contact, 250
fathers:
angry, 92
distant and uninvolved, 72, 73
dysfunctional, 5, 16
informing of break off, 250
physical abuse by, 110, 112–13, 116–19
replicated in partner, 115
sexual abuse by, 110, 123–30, 233–38
fear, 105, 113, 156, 197
of abandonment, 54, 68
of abuse, 113
in allowing abuse, 110
bonding by, 66
in breaking off contact, 246
in enmeshment, 67–68
of facing truth, 17
grief and, 190–91
of replicating mother’s unloving behavior, 1–2, 77, 264, 265
fight-or-flight response, 81
“fixer-uppers,” 90–96, 172
forgiveness, of self, 189–90
freedom, rebellion vs., 85
friends:
as catalyst for change, 75
intervention by, 85
isolation from, 15–17
narcissists’ co-opting of, 41
in role of good mother, 263
seeking validation from, 14, 15–17
strategies for handling reactions of, 248–52
Gaslight, 34
gaslighting, 34
gifts:
rejected, 49
strings attached to, 45, 47, 56–62
goals, sabotaging of one’s own, 146–47
Good Mother Exercise, 266–67
good mothers:
becoming, 263–70
criteria for, 3
learning through observation of, 264–67
grief:
of abuse victims, 123
anger and, 172–79, 184
in breaking off contact, 252
in healing, 136, 171–91
living with and through, 184–85, 190–91
tapping the wisdom in, 171–91
toolbox for handling, 185–91
triggers for, 190
guilt:
in abuse, 110, 124
in breaking off contact, 246–48, 251, 252
in caretakers, 102
and control, 75
in creating and maintaining boundaries, 207, 221, 224, 233
and enmeshment, 59, 64, 66–68
for failure to protect daughter, 235–37
“monster” exercise to exorcise, 247–48
in narcissistic relationship, 46
overcoming, 158–59, 172, 192
self-destructive behavior and, 85
of unloved daughters, 18, 142
healing:
acknowledging painful emotions in, 156–70
avoiding regression in, 253–54
becoming a good mother through, 263–70
being prepared for, 135–38
breaking off contact with mother in, 242–52
challenging false beliefs in, 139–55
changing behavior in, 192–205
confronting anger and grief in, 171–91
distinguishing oneself from mother in, 264
exercises in, 135–36, 151–55, 180, 182–83, 188, 191, 247–48, 267
expressing desires and needs in, 167–69
fulfilling one’s own needs in, 261–62
immense benefits of, 253
letter writing as, 157–70
life skills for, 192–205
new relationship with mothers in, see new normal relationship
perseverance and patience in, 215–16, 222
setting boundaries in, see boundaries, boundary-setting
taking time in, 136, 156, 164, 172
working on one’s own in, 136, 172
Heiress, The, 187
helium balloons, 154–55
helplessness, 113
“hungry ghosts,” 43
“I am” statements, 140–41, 152–54
“I attack/you defend” cycle, 196
“I felt” statements, 162–63
“if only” messages, 109, 150–51, 184, 244
illness, in unloving mother, 253–62
inadequacy, sense of, 4, 90, 142, 198, 244
incest, 110, 123–30
independence:
bonding and, 54
through healing, 253
as healthy goal, 60, 143
transition to, 55–56, 69–70, 110–11, 139
insanity, defined, 227
insecurity, 142
of narcissists, 24, 26, 29, 31–32
internalization:
of destructive messages, 140–56
of emotions, 173–74
of rejection, 17–19
invisibility, of abused daughters, 106–9
isolation, 15–17
in abuse, 113, 118, 138
from partner, 106
of unloving mother, 253–62
jealousy:
encouraging of, 46–47
in sexual abuse, 128
judgment, doubting of one’s own, 73
language:
defensive, 196–99
empowering, 169
learning disabilities, overprotection and, 59–60
letter writing, letters:
in breaking off contact, 245–46, 250–51
expressing desires and needs in, 167–69, 243
four-part structure of, 157–70
handwritten, 157, 245
in healing, 2–7, 135, 157–70
to involve mother in therapy, 234–35
to one’s own inner child, 258–69
position statement through, 233
reading aloud, 165, 170, 173, 177
tapping memories and emotion through, 156–70, 171, 173
unmailed, 157, 235
Lies and Truth exercise, 151, 180
“little adults,” 88–90, 93
loss:
in breaking off contact, 246
of childhood, 88–90, 104, 143, 160, 182
in unloved daughters, 5, 18
love:
defined, 3, 143
doubting one’s own ability to, 5
enmeshed mother’s rules of, 64–67
genuine, 253, 267, 269–70
models for, 267–70
of mothers, see mother love
pity vs., 90
rescue vs., 90, 96
lying, lies:
burning of, 154
in dysfunctional marriages, 92
exercise for challenging, 151–55
by narcissists, 32–34
self-blame as, 180
separating truth from, 151–55
see also false beliefs
marriages:
abusive, 112
of controlling mothers, 72, 73
daughters’, dependent mothers in, 97
daughters’, enmeshed mothers in, 52–53, 56–60, 229–33
of dependent mothers, 92–93
dysfunction in, 5, 17, 27, 60–61, 72, 86
of enmeshed mothers, 53
maternal instinct, 13
maternal responsibility:
abdication of, 87–88, 94, 104
mandate for, 94–96
memories, remembering:
accessing and confronting, 136, 157–66, 184–85
of being loved, 267–70
reliving vs., 166
memory exercise, 267–68
mental illness, in abusers, 119
messages, communication of false, 147–55
mommy blogs, 266
“monster” exercise, 247–48
“mother gene,” 265
motherhood, 5
as entire definition of enmeshed mothers, 54–55
mythical version of, 13–14, 19, 20, 182–84, 244
mothering of mothers, 87–104
checklists to identify, 88–89
see also role reversal, mother-daughter
mother love:
cost of missing, 4
enmeshment vs., 57, 64
–67
Freudian tradition of, 13
of good mothers, 3, 65, 263–70
myth of, 13–14, 19, 20, 182–84, 244
taboo of questioning, 13–23, 247
mothers:
healthy behavior of, 43, 54, 60, 65, 69, 127, 128, 139, 140–41, 263–70
unloved daughters as, 52, 68, 103, 110–12, 115–16, 120–23, 125, 263–70
see also unloving mothers; specific types
Mothers Without Borders, enmeshed mothers as, 51
mother wound:
healing of, 9–10, 139–262
identifying of, 13–138
Mummy’s Tomb, The, 29
narcissism:
defined, 24
exalted expectations in, 36–37
roots of, 24, 26, 29, 31–32, 37, 43–44, 47
spectrum of, 25–27
narcissistic mothers, 21, 24–50, 159
ambivalence of, 44–46
establishing of new normal relationship with, 225
expressing desires and needs to, 168
“good mother”–“bad mother” scenario in, 38–47
as impossible to please, 48–49
messages of, 142, 148
new normal relationship with, 238–41
standing up to, 197–201, 204
Three D’s of, 27–38
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), 26–27, 49–50
narcissistic rage, 34–38
Narcissus, 24
National Geographic, 247
neediness, 62–64, 68
neglect:
as failure to protect, 105, 110–19, 123–24, 127–30, 233–37
by mothers, 2–3, 4, 105, 159, 264, 265
negotiation, for new normal relationship, 225–38
new normal relationship:
breaking off contact with mother in, 242–52
four options for, 222–41, 242–52
hopefulness for success in, 225, 229, 237–38
meeting challenge of crisis in, 253
mother’s rejection of, 244, 247
negotiating for, 225–38, 243
obstacles to, 224–25
superficial, see tea party relationship
using new skills to reinforce, 223–25
nondefensive communication, 195–205, 206, 211, 215, 218
in breaking off contact, 243, 245, 249–50
lists of expressions for, 200–201, 210
in negotiation, 226
obligation, creating a sense of, 56–62, 66
old age, unloving mother in, 253–54
overprotectiveness, 59–60, 110–12, 115–16
panic attacks, 197
paranoia, narcissism and, 49
partners:
of alcoholic mothers, 98
as catalyst for change, 75
critical, 76–78
dangerous and violent, 104, 110, 114–15
daughters’, enmeshed mothers’ competition with, 52–53, 61–62, 229–33
daughters as replacement for, 65
dysfunction in relationships with, 2, 27, 142, 158, 265
falling for “fixer-uppers” as, 90–96, 172
maternal pattern repeated in, 106
sabotaging of love for, 145–46
seeking validation from, 14
supportive, 129, 170, 263
Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters Page 25
