as target of controlling mothers, 70–75, 217, 243–52
see also marriages
passive-aggressive behavior, 32, 34
passivity, 80, 151, 208
in allowing abuse, 110
people-pleasing, 75, 86, 176, 253
perfectionism, 163
impossible standards of, 3, 76–81, 86, 195
physical abuse, 17, 22, 159
by father, 110, 112–13, 116–19
by mother, 119–23
mother’s failure to protect daughter from, 110
therapy as essential in treating, 136, 159, 226, 237
physical activity:
as release for anger, 187–88
as release for grief, 191
physical boundaries, 207
playground, observation at, 266
position statements:
expressing desires through, 209–10, 212, 223, 231, 243
practicing, 212–16, 218
privacy, disrespect of, 58, 62–65
programming, 139–40
cycle of, 142–44
internalizing destructive messages through, 140–47
protection:
mother’s failure to provide, 3, 105, 110–19, 123–24, 127–30
smothering vs., 265
punishment, 81, 264
rage:
in abuse, 119–23
in healing, 171–72
of narcissists, 34–38
as response to control, 81–85
strategies for controlling one’s own, 120–23
rationalization, for unloving mothers, 9, 16, 18–19
rebellion, as response to control, 84–85
rejection, internalizing of, 17–19
reparenting, 268–70
repetition compulsion, 90, 96, 101
rescue, 90, 96, 103
resentment:
control and, 70
neglect and, 105
respect:
in confronting mother, 231
right to, 209, 263
responsibilities:
in crisis situations, 260–61
of daughters, 193–96, 207
ridicule, 73–74
rights, of daughters, 192, 193–96, 206, 209, 222
rituals, healthy vs. unhealthy, 66
rivalry, see competition
role-playing, in healing, 135, 199–200, 202–4
role reversal, mother-daughter, 22, 87–90, 93, 96–97, 102, 149, 172, 226
sadness:
in breaking off contact, 246
dissipation of, 268
in healing confrontation, 179, 181–82
as response to lost childhood, 104, 182
of unloved daughters, 4, 18, 101, 142
see also depression; grief
safety, 3
lack of, 198
school, 80
scripting, 216, 218–20, 230
secrecy, 17, 99, 103
in sexual abuse, 126, 130
seduction, by narcissists, 41, 43
self-blame:
for abuse, 110
anger at self as, 188–90
overcoming, 158, 179, 180–84, 192
in unloved daughters, 4, 19, 137, 139–55
self-centeredness, 20
as common to all unloving mothers, 105
in narcissism, 24–27, 29
self-confidence, lack of, 38
self-defeating behavior:
acknowledging painful emotions in, 156–70
false beliefs as origin of, 142–55
self-destructiveness, rebellion as, 84–85
self-doubt, 14, 18, 73
as basis of narcissism, 24
in breaking off contact, 246, 251
self-esteem, lack of, 26, 96
self-forgiveness, 189–90
self-image:
damaged by abuse, 116–19
distorted, 18, 118, 140
self-interest, in allowing abuse, 110
self-love, 25
self-recrimination, 188–90
self-respect, 3, 6, 124, 237, 251
self-soothing, 266–70
self-worth, lack of, 109, 114, 237
sex, rebellion through, 85
sexual abuse:
breaking the taboo of, 130–31
memories in legacy of, 128–30
mother as complicit in, 123–30
mother’s failure to protect daughter from, 110, 123–24, 127–30, 233–38
roots of, 123–26
spectrum of, 126
strategy for healing, 130
therapy as essential in treating, 125, 136, 226, 237
triggering memories of, 129
shame:
overcoming, 158, 172, 192
and self-blame, 180–81
sense of, 17, 18, 73, 81, 90, 99, 142
in sexual abuse, 123
shyness, 15
siblings:
caring for, 104
informing of break off to, 250
rivalry among, 47
single mothers, 3, 62
smothering, 4, 21, 149
protecting vs., 265
“stuff and erupt” pattern, 185–86
suicide, contemplation of, 85
support groups, 115, 136
support systems, 156, 157, 170, 263
in breaking off contact, 249, 250–52
in dealing with mother’s illness, 255–60
for mothers, 266–67
tea party relationship, 238–41, 243, 255
distancing techniques for, 239–41, 242
as superficial, 238, 242
telephone:
avoiding use of, 245
benefits of, 218–19
intrusive calls on, 55–56
“terrible twos,” 54
therapists, 171, 239
guidelines for choosing, 127
in negotiating new normal relationship, 226, 233
therapy:
in breaking off contact with mother, 243, 252
as essential in treating abuse, 125, 136, 226, 233–38
group, 118–19
in healing, 136–37, 157, 170, 263
for mothers, 228–29, 237, 243
narcissists’ lack of response to, 49–50
Three D’s of incest (damaged, dirty, and different), 128
Three D’s of narcissism (drama, deflection, denial), 27–38
Toxic Parents (Forward), 5
trauma:
in abusive mothers, 107
of emotional abandonment, 110
trust:
abuse and issues with, 113–16, 126
of self, 265
12–step programs, 136
unconscious mind:
accessing memories from, 136, 157–66, 184–85
programming and, 144–45
reprogramming of, 184, 258
unloved daughters:
changing behavior of, 50, 192–205
as critical perfectionists, 76–81
desire to please in, 48–50
dismissiveness toward, 58, 65, 70, 75, 88, 137, 198
as doormats, 73–75
healing of, see healing
as invisible, 106–9
longing for closeness of, 46, 257–58
as mothers, 52, 68, 103, 110–12, 115–16, 120–23, 125, 263–70
needs and desires of, 206, 256, 258, 261
pitfalls faced by, 14
programming of, 139–40
rationalization by, 9, 16, 18–19, 93–94
rebellion in, 84–85
replicating of dysfunctional patterns by, 1–2, 22–23, 70, 77–79, 121, 191, 264
in responsibility to mother in crisis, 253–62
rights of, 192, 193–96, 206
as scapegoats, 108
self-blame by, 4, 19, 110, 138–55, 158, 179, 180–84, 192
vulnerability of, 86, 177–78
unloving mothers:
as abusers, 119–23
acknowled
ging responsibility of, 135–36
checklist for determining effect of, 7–8
checklist for identifying, 6–7
criteria for, 3
cutting ties to, see breaking off contact
defending of, 3, 14
and effect on daughter’s life choices, 164–66
facing mortality of, 255
family advocacy for, 249–50
five types of, 8–9, 20–22; see also specific types
in illness, 253–62
legacy of, 2, 6, 8, 22–23, 50
in loneliness and isolation, 253–62
minimizing of, 3, 17, 159
in need and crisis, 253–62
new and changed relationship with, see new normal relationship
in old age, 253–54
rationalization for, 9, 16, 18–19, 93–94, 140
in refusal to get help, 228
repeating pattern of, 1–2, 22–23, 70, 77–79, 121, 191, 264
reshaping relationship with, 6, 192–205
root causes of, 20, 24, 26, 29, 31–32, 37, 43–44, 47, 86, 107
setting boundaries for, 206–21
validation:
denial of, 33
seeking of, 15–17, 95, 182
verbal abuse, 17, 209, 217, 220
violation, sense of, 123, 126
visualization:
in healing, 135
in managing anger, 188
in managing grief, 191
in memory exercise, 267–68
volition, lack of, 74–75
weight gain, 46, 128–29
widows, 65
worry, in creating negative expectations, 111–12
worthlessness, sense of, 36–38
yelling, ineffectiveness of, 186, 218
“you are” statements, 140–41, 152–54
About the Author
SUSAN FORWARD, PHD, is an internationally renowned therapist, lecturer, and author. Her books include the number one New York Times bestsellers Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and Toxic Parents, as well as Betrayal of Innocence, Obsessive Love, Emotional Blackmail, When Your Lover Is a Liar, and Toxic In-Laws. In addition to her private practice, she has served widely as a therapist, instructor, and consultant in numerous Southern California psychiatric and medical facilities. She has appeared on over three hundred television and radio shows, and hosted her own nationally syndicated program on ABC talk radio for six years.
For counseling information you can reach Susan on her website at www.susanforward.com, or e-mail her at [email protected].
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors.
Also by Susan Forward
Betrayal of Innocence
Men Who Hate Women & the Women Who Love Them
Toxic Parents
Obsessive Love
Money Demons
Emotional Blackmail
When Your Lover Is a Liar
Toxic In-Laws
Credits
Cover design by Milan Bozic
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Copyright
The names and identifying characteristics of some of the individuals featured throughout this book have been changed to protect their privacy.
MOTHERS WHO CAN’T LOVE. Copyright © 2013 by Susan Forward. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
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