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Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters

Page 26

by Forward, Susan


  as target of controlling mothers, 70–75, 217, 243–52

  see also marriages

  passive-aggressive behavior, 32, 34

  passivity, 80, 151, 208

  in allowing abuse, 110

  people-pleasing, 75, 86, 176, 253

  perfectionism, 163

  impossible standards of, 3, 76–81, 86, 195

  physical abuse, 17, 22, 159

  by father, 110, 112–13, 116–19

  by mother, 119–23

  mother’s failure to protect daughter from, 110

  therapy as essential in treating, 136, 159, 226, 237

  physical activity:

  as release for anger, 187–88

  as release for grief, 191

  physical boundaries, 207

  playground, observation at, 266

  position statements:

  expressing desires through, 209–10, 212, 223, 231, 243

  practicing, 212–16, 218

  privacy, disrespect of, 58, 62–65

  programming, 139–40

  cycle of, 142–44

  internalizing destructive messages through, 140–47

  protection:

  mother’s failure to provide, 3, 105, 110–19, 123–24, 127–30

  smothering vs., 265

  punishment, 81, 264

  rage:

  in abuse, 119–23

  in healing, 171–72

  of narcissists, 34–38

  as response to control, 81–85

  strategies for controlling one’s own, 120–23

  rationalization, for unloving mothers, 9, 16, 18–19

  rebellion, as response to control, 84–85

  rejection, internalizing of, 17–19

  reparenting, 268–70

  repetition compulsion, 90, 96, 101

  rescue, 90, 96, 103

  resentment:

  control and, 70

  neglect and, 105

  respect:

  in confronting mother, 231

  right to, 209, 263

  responsibilities:

  in crisis situations, 260–61

  of daughters, 193–96, 207

  ridicule, 73–74

  rights, of daughters, 192, 193–96, 206, 209, 222

  rituals, healthy vs. unhealthy, 66

  rivalry, see competition

  role-playing, in healing, 135, 199–200, 202–4

  role reversal, mother-daughter, 22, 87–90, 93, 96–97, 102, 149, 172, 226

  sadness:

  in breaking off contact, 246

  dissipation of, 268

  in healing confrontation, 179, 181–82

  as response to lost childhood, 104, 182

  of unloved daughters, 4, 18, 101, 142

  see also depression; grief

  safety, 3

  lack of, 198

  school, 80

  scripting, 216, 218–20, 230

  secrecy, 17, 99, 103

  in sexual abuse, 126, 130

  seduction, by narcissists, 41, 43

  self-blame:

  for abuse, 110

  anger at self as, 188–90

  overcoming, 158, 179, 180–84, 192

  in unloved daughters, 4, 19, 137, 139–55

  self-centeredness, 20

  as common to all unloving mothers, 105

  in narcissism, 24–27, 29

  self-confidence, lack of, 38

  self-defeating behavior:

  acknowledging painful emotions in, 156–70

  false beliefs as origin of, 142–55

  self-destructiveness, rebellion as, 84–85

  self-doubt, 14, 18, 73

  as basis of narcissism, 24

  in breaking off contact, 246, 251

  self-esteem, lack of, 26, 96

  self-forgiveness, 189–90

  self-image:

  damaged by abuse, 116–19

  distorted, 18, 118, 140

  self-interest, in allowing abuse, 110

  self-love, 25

  self-recrimination, 188–90

  self-respect, 3, 6, 124, 237, 251

  self-soothing, 266–70

  self-worth, lack of, 109, 114, 237

  sex, rebellion through, 85

  sexual abuse:

  breaking the taboo of, 130–31

  memories in legacy of, 128–30

  mother as complicit in, 123–30

  mother’s failure to protect daughter from, 110, 123–24, 127–30, 233–38

  roots of, 123–26

  spectrum of, 126

  strategy for healing, 130

  therapy as essential in treating, 125, 136, 226, 237

  triggering memories of, 129

  shame:

  overcoming, 158, 172, 192

  and self-blame, 180–81

  sense of, 17, 18, 73, 81, 90, 99, 142

  in sexual abuse, 123

  shyness, 15

  siblings:

  caring for, 104

  informing of break off to, 250

  rivalry among, 47

  single mothers, 3, 62

  smothering, 4, 21, 149

  protecting vs., 265

  “stuff and erupt” pattern, 185–86

  suicide, contemplation of, 85

  support groups, 115, 136

  support systems, 156, 157, 170, 263

  in breaking off contact, 249, 250–52

  in dealing with mother’s illness, 255–60

  for mothers, 266–67

  tea party relationship, 238–41, 243, 255

  distancing techniques for, 239–41, 242

  as superficial, 238, 242

  telephone:

  avoiding use of, 245

  benefits of, 218–19

  intrusive calls on, 55–56

  “terrible twos,” 54

  therapists, 171, 239

  guidelines for choosing, 127

  in negotiating new normal relationship, 226, 233

  therapy:

  in breaking off contact with mother, 243, 252

  as essential in treating abuse, 125, 136, 226, 233–38

  group, 118–19

  in healing, 136–37, 157, 170, 263

  for mothers, 228–29, 237, 243

  narcissists’ lack of response to, 49–50

  Three D’s of incest (damaged, dirty, and different), 128

  Three D’s of narcissism (drama, deflection, denial), 27–38

  Toxic Parents (Forward), 5

  trauma:

  in abusive mothers, 107

  of emotional abandonment, 110

  trust:

  abuse and issues with, 113–16, 126

  of self, 265

  12–step programs, 136

  unconscious mind:

  accessing memories from, 136, 157–66, 184–85

  programming and, 144–45

  reprogramming of, 184, 258

  unloved daughters:

  changing behavior of, 50, 192–205

  as critical perfectionists, 76–81

  desire to please in, 48–50

  dismissiveness toward, 58, 65, 70, 75, 88, 137, 198

  as doormats, 73–75

  healing of, see healing

  as invisible, 106–9

  longing for closeness of, 46, 257–58

  as mothers, 52, 68, 103, 110–12, 115–16, 120–23, 125, 263–70

  needs and desires of, 206, 256, 258, 261

  pitfalls faced by, 14

  programming of, 139–40

  rationalization by, 9, 16, 18–19, 93–94

  rebellion in, 84–85

  replicating of dysfunctional patterns by, 1–2, 22–23, 70, 77–79, 121, 191, 264

  in responsibility to mother in crisis, 253–62

  rights of, 192, 193–96, 206

  as scapegoats, 108

  self-blame by, 4, 19, 110, 138–55, 158, 179, 180–84, 192

  vulnerability of, 86, 177–78

  unloving mothers:

  as abusers, 119–23

  acknowled
ging responsibility of, 135–36

  checklist for determining effect of, 7–8

  checklist for identifying, 6–7

  criteria for, 3

  cutting ties to, see breaking off contact

  defending of, 3, 14

  and effect on daughter’s life choices, 164–66

  facing mortality of, 255

  family advocacy for, 249–50

  five types of, 8–9, 20–22; see also specific types

  in illness, 253–62

  legacy of, 2, 6, 8, 22–23, 50

  in loneliness and isolation, 253–62

  minimizing of, 3, 17, 159

  in need and crisis, 253–62

  new and changed relationship with, see new normal relationship

  in old age, 253–54

  rationalization for, 9, 16, 18–19, 93–94, 140

  in refusal to get help, 228

  repeating pattern of, 1–2, 22–23, 70, 77–79, 121, 191, 264

  reshaping relationship with, 6, 192–205

  root causes of, 20, 24, 26, 29, 31–32, 37, 43–44, 47, 86, 107

  setting boundaries for, 206–21

  validation:

  denial of, 33

  seeking of, 15–17, 95, 182

  verbal abuse, 17, 209, 217, 220

  violation, sense of, 123, 126

  visualization:

  in healing, 135

  in managing anger, 188

  in managing grief, 191

  in memory exercise, 267–68

  volition, lack of, 74–75

  weight gain, 46, 128–29

  widows, 65

  worry, in creating negative expectations, 111–12

  worthlessness, sense of, 36–38

  yelling, ineffectiveness of, 186, 218

  “you are” statements, 140–41, 152–54

  About the Author

  SUSAN FORWARD, PHD, is an internationally renowned therapist, lecturer, and author. Her books include the number one New York Times bestsellers Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and Toxic Parents, as well as Betrayal of Innocence, Obsessive Love, Emotional Blackmail, When Your Lover Is a Liar, and Toxic In-Laws. In addition to her private practice, she has served widely as a therapist, instructor, and consultant in numerous Southern California psychiatric and medical facilities. She has appeared on over three hundred television and radio shows, and hosted her own nationally syndicated program on ABC talk radio for six years.

  For counseling information you can reach Susan on her website at www.susanforward.com, or e-mail her at susanforward6@aol.com.

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors.

  Also by Susan Forward

  Betrayal of Innocence

  Men Who Hate Women & the Women Who Love Them

  Toxic Parents

  Obsessive Love

  Money Demons

  Emotional Blackmail

  When Your Lover Is a Liar

  Toxic In-Laws

  Credits

  Cover design by Milan Bozic

  Background © Shutterstock

  Copyright

  The names and identifying characteristics of some of the individuals featured throughout this book have been changed to protect their privacy.

  MOTHERS WHO CAN’T LOVE. Copyright © 2013 by Susan Forward. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  FIRST EDITION

  ISBN 978-0-06-220434-9

  EPUB Edition October 2013 ISBN 9780062204356

  13 14 15 16 17 OV/RRD 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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