Seeing Shadows

by S. H. Kolee

  I looked over and saw Grant admiring Sarah as well but she seemed unaffected by it.

  "You guys would put James Bond to shame," she said lightly with a smile, but it wasn't directed at Grant but to both he and Simon in general. She said it with barely a look in Grant's direction as she grabbed her small matching purse she had thrown on the bed earlier. Grant didn't look too happy by her lack of attention but he didn't comment.

  Simon raised his eyebrows at me, obviously noticing the difference in Sarah's attitude and I just shrugged my shoulders, not being able to explain with them in the room. Besides, how could I tell Simon that Sarah decided she was worth more than Grant's half-hearted attentions because of the way Simon treated me? It would be way too embarrassing to say those words out loud.

  I slipped on my heels and took hold of the arm Simon offered. "Are there already a lot of people downstairs?"

  Simon nodded. "It seems like everyone decided not to be fashionably late. Ready?"

  I took a deep breath. "Ready as I'll ever be."

  Simon smiled at me sweetly. "Don't worry. Remember, it's just a birthday party for my little sister."

  I rolled my eyes. "Right. And Prince William and Kate getting married was just a backyard wedding with a potluck dinner."

  Simon grinned at my comparison and just shrugged. Sarah walked to the door of the bedroom with a smile of her own. "Come on, let's go. It's not every day that I get to mingle with the high rollers. Let's see if I can catch my own Prince Charming." She winked and walked out the door without waiting for us to follow.

  I glanced at Grant, noting that he looked unhappy. He gave me a questioning look and I just shrugged, not knowing what to say.

  Simon and I followed Sarah down the stairs with Grant trailing behind us. I could hear the murmurings of the crowd below and saw Harold, at least the person who I presumed was Harold, stationed at the door in formal wear and greeting guests as they entered.

  As we descended the stairs and I got the full view, Simon's description of this being nothing more than his sister's birthday party seemed even more ludicrous. Several rooms had been set aside for the partygoers, and they were all decorated impeccably. There were candles everywhere that gave an intimate glow even though there were already dozens upon dozens of guests. There were dazzling arrangements of flowers interspersed throughout the rooms, not only looking beautiful but filling the air with their sweet scent.

  But the most beautiful thing about the party was the people in attendance. I had only seen parties like this on TV, where women were dressed in stunning gowns, their necks and ears dripping with jewels. The men were also impressive in their black tuxes, and some differentiated themselves with a splash of color with their tie.

  I saw plenty of people younger than me mingling downstairs with the older crowd, and it amazed me that this was normal to these kids. The most we had for a party back home was onion dip from a mix and a refrigerator full of beer. Even when we were living comfortably, we had never had a party like this. Simon squeezed my hand as we reached the bottom of the stairs, as if sensing my nervousness.

  "I feel bad for all the other girls who spent so much time getting ready. You're easily the most beautiful girl here."

  I blushed but rolled my eyes at Simon's sentimental statement. "Are you trying to butter me up for something?"

  Simon grinned. "Always."

  Sarah turned around, her face flush with excitement. "This place looks amazing. Where's the birthday girl?"

  Simon glanced over towards the room on his left. "She's probably in the main room. That looks like where most of her friends are."

  "I'm just going to pop over and wish her a happy birthday," Sarah said. "I'll see you guys later." She wandered off in the direction Simon had indicated as Grant caught up to us.

  "Where's Sarah going?"

  "She went to find Kendra," I said, trying to suppress a smile at Grant's cross face. It was funny how quickly the tables had turned.

  "I'm gonna go see if there's anyone here I know," Grant said grumpily and he huffed off.

  "What's going on?" Simon asked, his eyebrows raised.

  "Nothing, really. I think Sarah is just starting to realize that she's unwilling to settle for less than she deserves."

  "Smart girl." Simon shrugged at my surprised expression. "Hey, I love Grant. He's like a brother. But that doesn't mean I don't see how dense he's being."

  I smiled, loving Simon even more for his insight and keen judgment. My mind froze at my thoughts. Surely I had meant I loved Simon in a figurative way. There was no way I was in love with someone I had only known for less than a month. I hurriedly pushed the thought out of my head. I would let myself examine my feelings more in depth after tomorrow. I felt as if I was waiting for tomorrow to start my life.

  We mingled as Simon introduced me to the many people who stopped him. And everyone seemed to stop him. I met several friends from high school, friends of the family and a few friends of Kendra's that seemed to gaze at Simon adoringly. I could only imagine what it must be like to have your friend's older brother be Simon. I didn't blame them, the poor girls.

  One girl that looked to be about our age sashayed over to us. I had to admit that she was breathtakingly beautiful. She had long blonde hair that shimmered with golden highlights and large hazel eyes that seemed to survey everything and everyone with a bit of disdain. She smiled artificially at Simon, ignoring me completely, as she approached.

  "Hi Simon. How are you?"

  "Cara." Simon nodded in greeting. "I'm good."

  I blinked as I studied the girl closer, now that I knew she was the infamous Cara. I could see Grant's attraction. The blonde was undoubtedly beautiful, but there was a coldness to her that was unappealing. The smile didn't reach her eyes, and even as she had greeted Simon and asked how he was, her eyes were scanning the room, as if she wasn't interested in Simon's answer.

  "Caitlin, this is Cara."

  I smiled politely. "Nice to meet you, Cara."

  Cara nodded absentmindedly as she gave me a quick glance and continued scanning the room. Obviously I didn't merit much of an acknowledgement.

  "Have you seen Grant?"

  Ah, so that was her real motive for approaching Simon. I wasn't surprised that Cara was here. Her family was friends with both Simon and Grant's family. But I was surprised that Grant wasn't by her side. From what I had learned in the past year and a half, Cara seemed to have the upper hand in their on-again, off-again relationship.

  "He's here somewhere," I volunteered before Simon could answer. "I think he and Sarah were headed to the main room."

  Cara's eyes narrowed as she swung her gaze to me. She was no longer distracted and her entire attention was focused on me. "Sarah's here?" It seemed that a realization was dawning on her, as if she had just heard Simon's introduction of me. "You're Caitlin from Maxwell? Sarah's Caitlin?"

  I wasn't sure how to answer her question so I just nodded. "Yes. We came down for Kendra's birthday." I cocked my head, curiosity killing me. "Do you know Sarah?" I knew the answer to this, knowing that Sarah and Cara had never met, but I couldn't resist asking. I never thought Cara would know who Sarah was.

  Cara pressed her lips together. "We've never met but I know...of her." She glanced in the direction of the main room. She turned back to Simon and I was forgotten again. "I heard you transferred to Maxwell. Why on earth would you do that? You just had one more year left at Yale, and then law school."

  "I've found that Maxwell is much more interesting than Yale," Simon replied, winking at me.

  Cara glanced down at our intertwined hands and grimaced. "Really Simon? I thought you were too smart to get involved with..." She looked at me as if I was some foreign specimen she was loathe to inspect. "With someone you obviously have nothing in common with."

  Anger flared in Simon's eyes as I felt him tense. "That's where you're wrong, Cara. I have plenty in common with Caitlin. It's you I have nothing in common with. I'd hate to think that I had as l
ittle class and integrity as you."

  Cara's face paled at Simon's words and she looked furious. "If you think you can-"

  "I can do plenty-"

  "Simon." I interrupted him, placing my other hand on his arm. He looked down at me, his eyes still stormy with anger. I shook my head. "Don't get into an argument over this. It's not worth it." I looked Cara up and down disdainfully. My opinion of Grant was rapidly plummeting if this was the girl that had him wound up for as long as I had known him. "She's not worth it. Obviously her badly done nose job is pinching some nerve to her brain, preventing blood flow and rational thought."

  Cara started sputtering but I just drew Simon away. He guffawed at my last statement, admiration shining in his eyes. "I'll have to remember never to offend you, in case you turn that sharp tongue on me."

  I grinned. "Now you're learning."

  We walked into the main room together and I saw Grant and Sarah off to the side talking. More specifically, Grant was talking and Sarah was just standing there listening. I tried to catch her eye but she wasn't looking in my direction. I was absurdly curious as to what Grant was saying and reminded myself to ask her for all the nitty gritty details later.

  "Caitlin," Simon said, breaking into my reverie. "I'd like you to meet my father. Dad, this is Caitlin."

  I looked up, all thoughts of Sarah and Grant erased from my mind. Before me stood the spitting image of Simon, only thirty years older. His father's hair was peppered with grey, but I could still see the dark brown that was so much like Simon's. His eyes were brown instead of blue, but everything else was Simon. He looked down at me not unfriendly, but not overly enthusiastic either.

  "Hello, Mr. Crewe," I said, smiling brightly and telling myself not to keel over from nerves. "Thank you so much for letting us stay over this weekend. Your home is beautiful and this is an amazing party."

  Mr. Crewe smiled faintly, the same way Simon smiled when he was amused. "Hello, Caitlin. We're happy to have you."

  I desperately searched for something else to say and was about to launch into a monologue about the party decorations, something I'm sure he had no interest in, when Simon spoke up.

  "Caitlin's a business major at Maxwell. She's on her way to graduating summa cum laude."

  I looked at Simon in surprise. I had no idea he knew that. I had never discussed my grades with him. And it wasn't set in stone that I would be graduating with those honors. Although I had to admit I would have to mess up pretty badly to lose that honor.

  "Really?" Simon's father looked interested for the first time. "What are you planning on doing after college?"

  "Well, I'm not sure. I interned at a company this past summer in Philadelphia and I have a standing job offer there, but I'm not sure if Philly is where I want to end up. I've also been considering going to grad school." I didn't add that while I wanted to get my MBA, I wasn't sure if I wanted to take on the loans necessary to go to grad school.

  "What company did you intern for?"

  "PNC Financial Services."

  Mr. Crewe's eyebrows rose at my answer. "That's a Fortune 500 company. What would you be doing for them?"

  "I would be working as an analyst."

  Simon looked surprised at the information I had revealed. I guess he hadn't found out everything about me. "I knew you interned at PNC but I didn't realize that you might be taking a job there after college."

  "I'm not sure at this point. It's a big decision to make and I'm still exploring my options."

  Mr. Crewe nodded. "Your next step after college is a major one. It's not something to take lightly because it'll impact the rest of your life." He looked meaningfully at Simon. "It's one thing to do what you think you may want. It's another to plan for a future."

  "Dad," Simon said in a warning voice. "Not now."

  "Why not?" Mr. Crewe said. "It seems like Caitlin has her ambition in the right place. I just hope she rubs off on you."

  I felt uncomfortable at the exchange, witness to a conversation that I thought should be private. Simon had a stubborn expression on his face and I had a feeling the conversation was going to take a downhill turn.

  "You're right. Caitlin has her ambition in the right place. For her. We've discussed what's right for me and I'm the only one that can decide that. I did three years at Yale for you. Now it's my turn to do what I want."

  "What you want isn't necessarily what you need. I know you think music is your future, but just wait five years. When that big record deal doesn't come through, you'll regret not having followed my advice."

  Simon's mouth twisted. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Dad. And I never said I wanted a record deal. What I want is to be able to spend my life doing something I enjoy, instead of sitting behind a desk drafting legal documents."

  Mr. Crewe sighed. "I'm not saying I don't think you're talented, Simon. You know I think you are. Unfortunately, talent isn't enough these days. You have to have a backup plan."

  "Mr. Crewe," I interjected, not thinking before I spoke. "With all due respect, I think you're wrong. My father spent his whole life pursuing his backup plan. And he spent his whole life miserable."

  It was true. In middle school, I had found a stash of paintings in the basement. I had been taken aback by how raw and powerful the paintings had been. In a rare moment of confidence, my father had told me that he had always wanted to be a painter growing up, until he realized that it would never make him rich. And rich was his ultimate goal. So he had put his paintbrushes away and concentrated on being wealthy.

  "A backup plan says that you don't have the confidence in yourself to make it. To succeed with what you really want to do with your life. And if you don't believe in yourself, no one will. Simon is an amazing musician. He has the rest of his life to figure out a backup plan if making music doesn't work out. But I believe wholeheartedly that he will succeed. I'll believe in him until he tells me his dreams have changed. And then I'll believe in his next set of dreams."

  Simon's father had remained silent while I spoke and I felt myself pale. What had I been thinking, spouting off to him about what his son needed? His son, that I had only known for a few weeks. It was presumptuous and I felt embarrassed by my boldness. I expected Simon's father to make a disdainful remark, but he only gave me that faint smile again.

  "Well, I see you have someone in your corner, Simon." His father winked at me, which took me aback. He then turned to Simon. "It's always good to have someone in your corner. Why don't we shelve this conversation for now. It's Kendra's birthday. She'll throw a fit if she finds out we're discussing your career options at her party."

  Simon nodded in agreement and Mr. Crewe excused himself, saying he spotted some business acquaintances he needed to greet. I turned to Simon after he left. He was looking at me with an unreadable expression on his face and I wondered if I had overstepped my bounds. Regardless of their disagreement, he was still Simon's father.

  "Simon, I'm sorry. I spoke without thinking."

  Simon looked down at me, unsmiling. "I don't want to scare you."

  "What?" I was confused. That was the last thing I expected him to say. "What are you talking about? Why would you scare me?"

  Simon gazed at me, his blue eyes full of an emotion I didn't understand. "I love you."

  I froze at his words, horrified and elated at the same time. It was too soon. Too soon for a confession of love. Too soon to open myself up to him. But I instantly felt the desperation to say the words back to him. Felt the compulsion in my soul to tell him I loved him too. Because I did. Stupidly or not, I knew that I loved Simon more than I thought possible. Yet I still needed the answers tomorrow would bring before I could repeat his words.

  "Simon. I..."

  Simon stopped me, reaching up to brush my lower lip with his thumb. "Don't feel like you have to say it back. That's not why I said it. It's just bursting inside of me and I had to say it or I would explode. I love you, Caitlin. And I'm willing to wait until you're ready to say those words to me too.
"

  I wanted to yell that I was ready now. But I bit my tongue. It wasn't fair to him. I first needed to find out if loving me was a risk I was willing for him to take. It was one I was definitely willing to take, no matter what it meant. But I wasn't willing for Simon to take the same risk if it was going to cost him too much. I had to remind myself there was more involved than flowers and love songs. I was intimately acquainted with death and darkness.

  I took a deep breath and smiled, looking up at Simon, not knowing that the love was shining back at him in my eyes. "You have no idea what those words mean to me." And it was true. He was the only person besides Sarah who had said those words to me.

  Simon smiled and pulled me close, not caring about the people around us. "Why don't you show me with a kiss?" he said mischievously.

  "Simon! Not with all these people around!"

  "What people?" Simon looked around the room, as if no one else was there.

  I laughed and was saved by the announcement of dinner. We walked over to a dining room that was as large as our school's cafeteria. Except it was much more elegant. There were two huge rectangular tables set formally, with amazing centerpieces made of flowers and candles.

  Even though it was Kendra's birthday, Mr. Crewe sat at the head of one table. Mrs. Crewe sat on one side of him and Kendra sat on the other. Kendra looked stunning and much older than sixteen in a pale pink dress that was the perfect counterpart to her sparkling eyes and dark brown hair.

  Simon indicated my seat, and I was uncomfortably aware that I was seated in the section that seemed to be reserved for family. Grant's parents, who I had met before when they had visited him at school, were seated there as well as aunts, uncles and cousins I had met during the party. Grant was standing by his chair and Sarah was standing next to him. They seemed to be arguing and I could hear them as we drew closer.

  "No, Grant. The seats are assigned. I'm not just sitting there."

  "Sarah, just sit down. It doesn't matter."