Crashing Into Destiny

by Rebecca Royce

  I sucked in my breath. I’d only seen Orion from the view screen of Artemis. Everywhere I looked was white. He’d given me a window. My breath quickened, and my mind went into overdrive. I needed this, and I’d had no idea.

  He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me until I was drawn to his chest. “And what does my lady think?”

  I gave him the first answer that came to my mind. “Like somehow the universe wanted to make everything new, and it carved out a space, and here it is. Beautiful. Untouched. Waiting for someone to draw on it.” Then I felt stupid for speaking as I did. This was Cash. He was such a genius Evander had sent him out here to solve the unsolvable. He didn’t want to hear about drawing on nonsense. “Of course, it’s also a testament to, um, what happens after nuclear explosions when …”

  He interrupted me, whispering in my ear. “Shh. I liked the first one.”

  “I thought it might have sounded stupid.”

  “It sounded beautiful. I love beauty. I miss it. Everything here is cold and clinical. Or it was. Until Damian carried you into Lewis’ lab, bellowing at the top of his lungs. You were pale, barely breathing. We thought we might lose you before we could get you in the machine. Even then the machine could only take you so far. You kept having to come in and out of it so we could treat you and put you back in. And I thought I must have gone crazy because you were the most beautiful—I know you hate that—girl I’d ever seen. I couldn’t lose you.”

  I put my hands over his arms and squeezed him back. “Thank you for saving me.”

  “I think that was more Lewis than I. I helped, for sure. He’s really the clinician. If life were fair, that’s what he’d do, work with patients. I listened; I made a few suggestions. I was there. He told me what to do. He saved you. I obsessed.”

  I suspected Cash did quite a bit more. He didn’t strike me as a stay-on-the-side kind of guy. I didn’t want to argue. I wanted to stare at the white vastness. At the nothing waiting to be something.

  “Thank you for this. Does it look better this time of day? Is that why you wanted to come here at eight?”

  “No. Look to your left.”

  I did as he told me, and on the ground was a blanket with two plates covered up to keep the contents warm. A thermos had liquid in it. “I wanted to have breakfast with you. Right here. Where we could talk and look out the window.”

  I moved from his arms so I could stare at the picnic more closely. I knelt down. “I’ve always wanted to have a picnic. I did. I never dreamed I’d have one. Ever. This is literally a dream come true.”

  He motioned for me to sit, and I did, right next to him. “I’ve always wanted to make a beautiful woman’s dream come true.”

  I elbowed him. “Stop it.”

  He opened the lids and presented eggs and bacon. They smelled like heaven. While I drooled over the food, he poured juice into small glasses. “You like eggs and bacon, right? I’ve seen you eat meat, so I know you’re not a vegetarian.”

  “I love them. Did you make these?”

  Cash raised an eyebrow. “I did. Damian does all the cooking because he’s really good at it. However, I can manage some basics. This is one of them.”

  I took a bite and let the savory taste of hot scrambled eggs fill my mouth. This had always been my favorite breakfast. “A million thank yous.”

  “Never thank me. Ever. Okay?”

  It seemed a strange request. “Really? It’s basic manners; isn’t it?

  “All right. In public, thank me. Alone I’d rather you not. I’m hoping you’ll come to understand that the things I do for you is my way of expressing my affection for you. All I want in return is to know you enjoy what I did. Maybe it doesn’t make sense.”

  It didn’t have to. He’d expressed a need. I was happy to give him what he asked. “Okay. These are the best eggs I’ve ever eaten.”

  We ate in companionable silence. When I was finished, I was full. Really full. I didn’t usually eat much in the morning. I lay back on the ground. “I’m stuffed.”

  He moved until he lay next to me. “That’s because you’re so tiny.”

  “My father says my grandmother was tiny, too. My mom’s medium-sized for a woman, and Dad is tall. I got the tiny genes.”

  “Whatever genes you got, they were the right ones.”

  The ceiling was made of the same plastic alkaline as the rest of the enclosure. It was translucent. I couldn’t see through it, although it let some light through. “How did you guys put this place up?”

  “We didn’t. We were still out in our pods. You saw the pods right? The ones we’ll get shoved into should the Zombies attack?” He snorted like the idea was ridiculous. I hoped he was right. “The ship landed, and the robots, probably designed by Judge, came out and put up the enclosure. We woke up in the pod room, shivering, disoriented, sick, and miserable. When we were finally able to think again, we went ahead and started undoing the boxes, fixing up the rooms. A second ship delivered the agriculture. We get periodic messages and shipments from Evander. All drones.”

  I rolled onto my stomach to look at him better. “I didn’t know cryogenic sleep made you sick. We don’t use that tech on our side. We have it. No one uses it. There’s no need for us to sleep through travel. Aging is okay. Some people spend their whole lives on ships.”

  “They wanted us to basically be a day older than when we left. To answer your question, it feels like the worst flu you’ve ever had.”

  I shook my head. “Never had one.”

  “Then you’re not going to be impressed I cured the Trinton Flu.”

  “That’s amazing. For the record, just because I haven’t had the flu, doesn’t mean I don’t know what it is and I’m not impressed by it. I am.”

  He pushed my bangs off my forehead. “Good.”

  “Can the Zombies do without you for a whole day?”

  “Lewis will manage them today. They’ll be fine.” He rolled onto his stomach, too, entwining our legs. “What would you like to do? This was really what I wanted. You, alone with me in the morning light, eating a breakfast I provided for you, watching the whiteness waiting for color, and talking.”

  Now that I was full, I was sleepy. I needed to wake up. I wasn’t going to spoil my day with Cash by falling asleep. “Make some suggestions.”

  “Let me think for a minute. If you want to doze off, you can. I can see you’ve got that I ate-a-lot tired thing going on.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t want to fall asleep on our date. I want to get to know you. This is our time.”

  He liked what I’d said; I could tell by the way the color brightened in his cheeks. It was subtle, but it was there. “We’ll have more time. Today isn’t it.”

  “Don’t try to lull me to sleep. I want to be up. Why don’t you want Damian to know you come up here?”

  He took a second to answer. “Because it’s mine. It’s not Damian specifically. I don’t want any of them to know.”

  “Fair enough. You ask me something.”

  “Oh, what to pick.” He laughed. “The pressure. All right. Fine. Um. I’m not used to so inorganically having to find a query. Let’s see. Do you like living on Mars Station?”

  I wouldn’t have imagined that would be his first inquiry. “That’s a complicated answer. I like it because my family is there. I’ve always gone with them, always. They said go, I went. I was a child. I’m a year from having to pick my own future. It’s the law. I won’t be able to stay with them forever. I can go and come back, but I must go in some fashion. The question is, where? I can get married. The only ones who want me desire the connection for political reasons. The way they look at me makes me want to vomit. I can get a job somewhere else. But where? Doing what? I’m a mid-level tech person. I can fix some things. So can a million others. Or I can go and spend five years with the Sisters of the Universe in mostly silence doing good deeds.” I stopped rambling. “Sorry. That was more than you ever wanted to know.”

  “By contrast, I loved e
very second of your answer. Can I get some follow up questions?”

  I giggled. “Funny man. This isn’t a panel. Ask me anything you want. I’ll do the same for you.”

  He inched closer to me, laying his head down by mine. Neither of us looked at each other, and yet I felt like Cash took up all the air in the room. I wasn’t suffocated by him; instead, I felt enveloped in his being. I could get lost in him, and he’d take care of me. Of course, the risk was I’d be so happy letting him take hold of me that I’d never want to be on my own again. Could I come back from being close to so much … power?

  “There are always rules, Boo. Even when we don’t know them. I’m feeling my way through this. I don’t mind sharing you with the others. I respect them more than any other souls in the universe. They have become my family. I just have to understand how this works. I am a man who likes being in charge.”

  I rolled onto my side until he looked at me. “I don’t want to be in control all the time. I think if we can manage to get through the no fighting rule—and the schedule—I’d be happy to let you all set terms and tell me what to do for the most part. I actually like knowing you can determine things. I don’t want to be dictated to. I want to be part of things. Am I making any sense?”

  “Tons. All right, what was that about a political marriage?” He said the words like they tasted bad.

  “My mom is a politician on Mars Station. It would benefit her campaign and a lot of people if I let these three brothers court me. They’d vote with her, control the board. No one asked me to do it. Frankly, even though they make me sick, it might be the right thing to do.”

  “It’s not.” He stood and took my hand, bringing me up with him when he did. “They can’t have you. I’ve seen political marriages. They kill the wife. Maybe that’s sexist. I don’t care. They kill the wife. My mother was eaten alive. No. Don’t do that, Boo. Besides, as far as I’m concerned, you’re mine. Sure, you’re the other four of theirs too. But you’re mine. I’m saying no.”

  I touched the side of his face. “You’d rather I took a job or went into meditation?”

  “I’d rather you stayed here with me and let me take care of you for the rest of your life.”

  As if he’d said the final word on the subject, he locked our hands together, and we walked together back toward the ladder. Cash knew the truth of things. My family was coming back. He could want what he wanted. That didn’t mean it would happen.

  When we got down and he’d rehooked the ladder, he turned to me. “Like to dance?”

  “I don’t know if the spinning in a circle I do with my brothers and sisters qualifies.”

  “Are you trying to tell me you’ve never danced?” I nodded and he leaned forward. “Diana, the men around you are buffoons.”

  With that proclamation, we walked quickly together toward where the guys slept. I caught glimpses of the others. They were busy working or getting ready for their days. Lewis stared at what looked like DNA sequences on the screen that we’d watched the movie on the night before. Sterling did sit ups in the gym, shirtless. I didn’t see Damian anywhere, but then again, I never did. It was like he appeared at meal times. If I hadn’t seen him with his two guns when I’d watched from Artemis or slept with him the one night in my room, I’d have believed he didn’t really exist at all.

  Judge came out of his room while we passed by, his hair wet.

  “Morning,” he called out to me.

  I waved back. “Morning.”

  Cash brought me into his room and shut the door behind him. “Sorry. If I let them all talk to you, I’d never have gotten you here.”

  I didn’t remember my mother ever having to run down the hall to avoid the guys who weren’t on the schedule that day. Okay. This was the first day. Actually, it was the second. There was going to be an adjustment period. Maybe I’d say something in a month if I still had to rush around.

  Cash’s room was much more decorated than Judge’s had been. Although it was the same size, Cash had things up on the walls—posters of people I didn’t know but, from the descriptions around them, I thought were probably artists. Models of aircrafts and places I’d seen covered his shelves. He had a screen on his wall.

  He pressed a button on his tablet, and low music started in the room. I’d obviously never heard the song before, but I closed my eyes when it turned on so I could feel the melody. A woman and a man were singing about love. I smiled. The best songs always were.

  “Diana.” Cash’s voice sounded melodic, like the music he’d played for us. I opened my eyes. He held out his hand. “Will you dance with me?”

  “If you show me how and don’t laugh at me while I do it wrong.”

  With our hands joined, he drew me to him. “I’d never laugh at you about anything, especially this. Maybe I’d laugh with you on another topic. Never at you. I promise.”

  He moved my hand until it was behind his neck, and took the other in his large, capable hand. “This isn’t the right position. It’s the way I want it.”

  We didn’t have a huge amount of space to work with. That was okay. In the small distance between his bed and his desk, our bodies swayed together. Sometimes Cash would turn us or change how our feet moved. I stepped on his once, and he didn’t blink an eye, just readjusted us a bit. Eventually, I stopped worrying. This was fun. I must have grinned because he did back.

  The music moved through us, the song changing to something faster. Feeling brave, I let go of his hand and wrapped both of my arms around his neck—which was a stretch considering how much taller than me he was. He hoisted me up, my legs wrapping around him, and we swayed like that. I really didn’t know how much time passed, nor did I care.

  I’d always heard there were moments in life where you wished you could go on forever. Dancing with Cash became that for me. I think he must have felt it too. His gaze fell to my lips, and I knew he was going to kiss me. I closed my eyes and sighed when he did. His mouth was strong, firm, yet gentle with me. The kisses started out light, easy; however, that changed quickly. With a swing of his arms, he lay me down on bed, coming down on top of me.

  “I know we’re limited for now.” His mouth met mine slowly, and his tongue licked my bottom lip. My body went on alert, and I sighed against him. He pulled back, his gaze holding my own. “I have some time right now to learn your body, to know it, so when the time comes, when I can actually slip myself inside of you and do what I really, really want to do, I’ll know you so well it won’t matter I have no experience with this outside of a machine.”

  I stroked the side of his face. I wasn’t going to ruin the moment by asking him questions. I didn’t always know when to say things and when not to. This time I knew better than to ask him about the US machine while we lay quietly kissing for the first time.

  “What’s on your mind?” He pushed my bangs off my head.

  I shook my head. “It’s nothing.”

  “Boo, when I ask you something, the only thing I require is you don’t lie to me. If you don’t want to tell me, say that. Don’t tell me it’s nothing when your brown depths are screaming at me that you have something on your mind.”

  They were big on truth, my five. Judge had needed to confess his year in jail, Damian had reminded him truth was pivotal, and now Cash demanded it from me.

  “I am not used to people wanting to know everything I’m thinking. Most of the time they leave me alone to think my own thoughts.”

  He put his hands on the side of my head, stroking his fingers through my hair. “I want to know your thoughts, Diana.”

  “I’m afraid what I was questioning was going to ruin the mood. Seemed better to keep it to myself.”

  He breathed in through his nose, his nostrils flaring. “Now I really need to know.”

  “I wonder about the US machine. What that was like when you were in it. Not the whole giving you the medicine. I imagine it’s administered through a needle?”

  Cash cocked his head to the side. “Injection into our neck
devices.” He moved so I could see it. “Hits the central nervous system faster that way. This neck piece gives the medical machines quick access to us. And magnetizes us into the pods in the event of an emergency.”

  My finger hovered over the small metal piece on the back of his neck. What an amazing little computer.

  “You can touch it, Boo.”

  I let the tip of my index finger stroke the top of the device. It was cool to the touch. For some reason I’d thought it would be warm—maybe because Cash’s body was so hot. It didn’t match the warmth of his skin.

  “So you were asking about the US. I interrupted you. Go on.” He sat, pulling me with him until I was on his lap.

  “What’s it like in there? Is it just a giant pornography video?”

  “We don’t generally discuss it with each other, so I can’t tell you what it’s like when say Sterling or Damian is in the device. My understanding is it’s different for each of us. The machine talks to us. Asks us some questions, reads some of our impulses, and then delivers whatever it is it thinks we need to get aroused. Then we go into a dream state. I’ve read the literature. Some people have elaborate scenarios. Spies running around. Cavemen. For me, the machine used to try to give me a storyline, but my brain wouldn’t accept them. As though, even when I’m out of it, I know I’m in a machine having a functional experience I need to get through. The last few years, honestly, it’s a faceless girl, and we get down to business. I don’t really feel anything about it. I’m not in love with my US experience.”

  A functional experience. That was a funny way to put it, and yet I understood what he meant exactly. He didn’t need a lot of show. Just what was real.

  “Still, the machine knows exactly what to give you. When the time comes, I’m going to be really inexperienced.”

  He nodded. “Good.”

  “Good?” I coughed out my shock.

  “I’d rather have your trembling hands and sweet kisses than any fake computer program in the universe.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Cash Wilder