by H. J. Bellus
“Fuck you, Cree. Yes, it’s happening now. I lost a damn good friend over a year ago because I stood by your side, Milly. Rose lost an aunt and Tripp lost his only sister because of your selfishness. And I just sat here and watched you bully an innocent child from your blind hatred. I’m done. You either accept your past, Milly, and get over it, or live a very lonely life with Cree. It’s your choice,” Lacey finishes, as the door opens and the doctor enters.
“Surgery is over, and Annie is in recovery right now. It was her appendix. She has a severe infection right now that we’re treating with an aggressive antibiotic. We have to keep an eye out for some other complications, but it looks like your little slugger will be out on the ball field before too long.”
The whole room breathes a collective sigh of relief. Annie had a severe attack of pain while at baseball practice. Tripp immediately rushed her to the hospital, but her appendix ruptured before he could get her there. Not being with Annie has been the most difficult part about leaving home. Miles bought me a new notebook to write specifically to her, and I did on a daily basis. I tried contacting her several times, but was stopped by Cree and Milly. They ripped out my heart each time.
“Any questions?” the surgeon asks.
His words pull me out of my trance, and I spot a drop of blood on the tip of his shoe. I lose it. I have not been able to touch, hear, or talk to my Annie in over a year. My brother held my love prisoner because of his selfish need to protect Annie. And he’s not going to let me see her now, and that thought absolutely destroys me. I hold back the tears as long as I can before they spill over and take control of my body.
Cree asks the surgeon several questions while I cry. I can’t focus on any words, just my own pain, and I regret sending Miles away now, but I would never want Ridley to see me in this state. I keep my head buried and continue to cry. A hand grabs mine and I look up into Cree’s eyes.
“Let’s go, sis,” he says.
“Don’t make me leave, Cree. I need to see her, please, and then I’ll leave,” I beg through my tears.
He tugs on my hand, pulling me up from the couch, and then leads me through the glass doors leading to the recovery area. When we enter the sterile room, it’s empty. A nurse lets us know that Annie will be back in about five minutes. We take a seat on each side of her bed.
Cree scrubs his face and starts to speak. “Willow, I’m sorry. This situation is fucked up. We attempted to contact you over the last few months. Milly and I are in counseling and working through shit with her childhood.”
Silence.
“Say something,” he pleas.
“I’m not apologizing for falling in love. Miles and I did nothing wrong.”
“Every time I see him or think about him, I want to punch his face in. He stole you from me, from us.”
“You’re wrong,” I correct him. “You chased us off.”
“Can we ever fix this?”
“I don’t see how, when your wife won’t even allow my son to sit next to your son.”
“Willow, he’s not your son—”
Getting to my feet and leaning over the bed, I get right in Cree’s face. “Don’t you ever say that again. Ridley is mine. He’s just as much mine as Annie is Milly’s.”
“See, I can’t make this work. Nothing I say helps the situation.”
“Then shut up, because I came to see Annie, not you.”
Two nurses wheel a sleeping Annie into the room and transfer her to the new bed. I gasp when I see her sleeping face and instantly reach to touch her. She has grown into a beautiful young lady. Her sprinkle of freckles still cover her nose. I’m unable to take my hands off her. Brushing back her hair, I start to talk to her, telling her everything about my life—all about Wynnie, Ridley, my dogs, Dan and Annie, and my paintings. I tell her all about my wedding day and our trips to the ocean. She sleeps through it all but I can’t shut up.
I look up and see Milly standing next to Cree. My time is about to be cut short, so I start kissing her sweet sleeping face, trying to memorize it for life. Milly reaches over and grabs my hand. I look up at her. As my tears spill, hers do, too.
“Uncle,” she whispers.
“Uncle,” I whisper, and continue to cry the hurt and pain away.
“I’m done allowing my past to control my decisions,” Milly says.
“Thank you,” I whisper back.
“Aunt Wils, am I dreaming?” croaks a small voice.
“Oh my God. Annie. Annie, it’s me, baby girl.”
The little shit throws her arms up in the air, and I climb in her bed to hold her.
“Oh, I love you, Annie. Not one day has passed that I haven’t thought about you. I love you so much.”
“I know, silly. Mom and Dad told me that you love me grande and always will, but sometimes life changes, but your love never would.”
In true Annie fashion, she stuns me into silence. She reaches down and rubs my belly. “You’re having a baby?” she asks.
I nod my head yes. “You’re the first one to notice. Nobody else did.”
“Well, not to be rude, but your belly is bigger than a house. I bet you can’t even fit in our favorite booth at Granny’s Diner.”
“You’re probably right, squirt.”
“Where’s Miles?”
“He’s at the hotel with our little boy. We adopted him. His name is Ridley and you’ll love him. He’s five years old.”
“Tell me more about him,” Annie begs.
Annie and I talk until her little eyes can no longer stay open.
Willow: I’m staying the night here. She’s awake…Cree let me see her.
Miles: How’s everything else
Willow: maybe with time…
Miles: Milly owes my son an apology
Willow: Yes, she does. I love you
Miles. Night. Love you grande, Crazy Girl
Cree lets me sleep in Annie’s room with her through the night. It was the first night since going back to California that I was not with Ridley or Miles. A wave of panic gripped at my heart all night, and I tried my best to ignore it. This time with Annie means the world to me, and I don’t plan on wasting one single second of it.
My neck is severely kinked from sleeping in the chair. Being six months pregnant doesn’t help sleeping matters. As Annie so sweetly pointed out, I am as big as a house. On a daily basis, I have random strangers coming up to me and asking if I’m expecting twins. One day at the park, a stranger asked if I was having triplets. I told her to suck it, and was completely busted that night at the dinner table when Ridley asked Miles what suck it meant.
Remembering that evening makes me really miss my boys, so I FaceTime them. My two super heroes with severe cases of bed head appear on the other end, and I remember exactly why my journey has been so important. Not one thing would I change. Not even being disowned by Cree and being thrown out of The Shop that day. Those events drove me to my future. They inspired me to achieve my dreams, follow my heart with Miles, and start my own life. I could hate my brother and Milly forever, but the only person that would destroy is me, and then eventually it would begin to poison my little family. I vow to never let anything touch my family.
“We need to talk,” Cree says as he enters and hands me a cup of coffee.
“Thanks.”
“How’d she sleep?”
“Like a log. Didn’t wake, even when the nurses checked her all night.”
“This has been hard on her, you know.”
“It was your choice, Cree.”
“We need to talk about it,” Cree states again.
“Then talk. I’ve done nothing I regret. Not one thing. I regret nothing. Can you say the same thing, Cree?”
“No,” he whispers.
“We’ll talk tonight, but with Milly and Miles, too.”
“My house at seven.”
“No, the hotel at seven, and Milly owes my son an apology. He will never be treated like trash again.”
“Understood. D
o you want to stay here with Annie today?”
“Yes. Can Miles and Ridley come see her?”
“Jesus, Willow. You really have to put me in this spot?”
“Yes, I’d love to see them,” squeaks a little voice. “Daddy, you’ve always said a coward sits back and watches the wrong things happen, but real heroes step up and make a change. I’m stepping up.”
Cree bows his head. “You’re right, Annie. Yes, they can come.”
I hung out with Annie for the remainder of the day. We scheduled a family meeting at seven at the hotel. Cree so lovingly assumed we would meet at his house, but I can’t go back to the farm right now. Annie’s dance teacher volunteered to sit with her at the hospital while we take care of business. To say this meeting has me tied up in knots is the understatement of the century. I’m beyond ready to put this whole mess behind me and begin to mend my shattered relationship with my whole family.
Miles bought Ridley a bike with training wheels so he could practice riding while we visit. The hotel has a beautiful back patio with a paved walking trail perfect for bike riding. Miles is currently jogging alongside Ridley, showing him how far he can go and when he needs to turn back. He’s determined to get Ridley riding without training wheels. Miles told me the other night he rode with training wheels until second grade, and blames most of his manly ego insecurity problems on it. I couldn’t help but laugh while he shared the story because he was dead serious about the topic, and my laughter only pissed him off. I definitely made up for laughing at him later that night.
“Hey, sis.”
I turn to see Tripp and the rest of the crew walking out of the back of the hotel. Tripp and Lacey brought along Rose, who is dressed in a cute little yellow dress wearing a toddler pair of Toms and a cute headband. She is her mother’s child, no doubt about it. Tripp always jokes on Skype that he’s lucky that Lacey’s egg even accepted his sperm.
“Hey,” I reply, standing up.
I immediately notice that Cree is alone. No Milly. My heart sinks because I really wanted to believe her words in the hospital. Maybe her heart just isn’t ready to forget yet, but my brothers are, and they’re the most important ones that I need to resolve issues with.
“Did you guys eat?” I ask.
“No, we’ve heard they serve great steaks here. Wanted to try it out,” Lacey says as she sits at the table.
“I’ll let them know we want to order,” Cree says and turns back to the hotel.
Tripp jogs out to Ridley and Miles with Rose in his arms. You can hear her squeal as he runs with her. The sweet little sound makes me laugh, and before I realize it, it makes me cry. They make it out to my boys. I can see Ridley showing his new bike off to Tripp. Miles grabs Rose from Tripp so he can inspect the bike closer. I watch as Miles swings Rose above his head, causing her to giggle even louder.
“He’s a good guy,” Lacey says.
I look her straight in the eyes. “Lacey, he saved me. Bottom line. He has always loved me for me, never given up on me, or given me an ultimatum. He wanted to bring me back home that night. He would have walked away for my happiness, but I deserve him.”
“I agree.”
I turn to see Milly placing Mac on the ground. He takes off towards Tripp and the rest.
Milly continues, “I agree with everything you just said. I’m not going to lie to you though; my past scares me, Willow. And the bottom line is Miles is part of my past that I may never be able to face.”
Shocked into silence, I watch Cree walk out to where Mac is with the rest of them.
“This is good. Now you talk, Willow. If you guys need me to grab my crotch or randomly yell slut puppy at any time, just raise your hand,” Lacey says.
Burying my face in my hands, I start to giggle at Lacey. Some things will never change, and for that I am very thankful.
The three of us silently watch as our children and husbands interact with each other as if they were at a regularly scheduled family picnic.
I finally break the silence. “Milly, you can NEVER disrespect my child again. Cree tried to tell me that Ridley isn’t mine. I will have you all know that he is mine. In fact, he’s just as much mine as Annie is yours, and if you ever cross that line again, I will kick your ass and then disown you forever.”
“Understood,” she whispers. “Willow, Miles coming into my life and dropping that bomb has been really hard on me. I don’t know what you know, but I miscarried a week after you left. No one knew I was pregnant, except for your brother. Those events made me hate life and took me to a very dark spot for a while. Then when would I see Cree missing you and crying in your old room, it made me hate you and Miles even more. It wasn’t until one day in Annie’s room, reading her journal entry about missing you that I finally realized that my hate wasn’t for you or Miles, but for my mother. And the power she still held over me years later. I’m learning to accept who I am, and where I came from, and what I will never have, but I’m not perfect and I fucked up majorly in the hospital with Ridley. To be honest, seeing a part of my past tainting my future scared me. I will never treat your child that way again, and if you two can’t forgive me, I understand, but don’t punish Cree for my mistake.”
“I miss you guys. I never stopped loving any of you,” is all I can manage to get out between my tears.
I now notice that all the men are standing feet away from the table, and from the torn expression on Miles’ face, I know he heard Milly. Miles has always worn his mother’s actions on his sleeve, and has always felt horrible for the way she left Milly. This whole situation is jacked up because not one person can speak without hurting another, but words need to be expressed for us all to move on with any hope of becoming a family ever again.
I continue on, with my last thought as the driving force. “This needs to be said to all of you. I don’t regret falling in love with Miles, I don’t regret leaving Colorado, and I don’t regret the family I found in California. I want all of you in my life more than anything in this world, but if you can’t accept Miles, Ridley, and this baby growing inside me, then we really need to part ways here. It’s your decision.”
Tripp steps up. “Willow, there is no decision, and I’m no longer willing to allow this family to miss one more moment of your life and definitely not your children’s lives. I’m here for the long haul, the happy, the ugly, nasty, and all the loveable moments in between. Here forever as your brother. What do you say, Cree?”
“I say it’s about time we finally come together as Fitzpatricks and make our own happily ever after.”
“Ahh, shit just got deep. That’s about all the gushy stuff I can take for one day,” Lacey proclaims and throws her arms up.
Miles raises an eyebrow, and throws out, “Or Tackett style. Because let’s face it, that’s where all the awesomeness truly lies.”
With those words, a weight is lifted off all our shoulders, light scabs are formed over deep, seeping wounds, and all of our hearts are set down their destined paths to finally begin the healing process.
We spend the next two days tending to Annie while she adjusts to life back at home. I love every minute of showing my childhood home to my son, and really to Miles for the first time with an open heart. We even run into Greyson at the grocery store, and I smiled at him. Miles wanted to kick his ass again. Thank God we had Ridley and Mac with us.
We have played plenty of UNO, thrown several impromptu dance parties, laughed and cried together the past few days, but now it’s time to say good bye to everyone. We promised no tears and lots of future trips back and forth to see each other.
Cree waits at the back of the crowd to say his goodbye and hug me. He finally steps up with tears in his eyes.
“You’re breaking the promise,” I remind him.
“Come home, Willow.”
Silence.
“I let my pride blind me, and now it’s time for you to come home. I’m sorry I pushed you away. Actually, sorry doesn’t even begin to cover it.”
I g
rab my brother’s hand and bring it to my heart.
“I’m going home. That’s the beauty of it, Cree. I found my home and it’s not here with you. You have no idea how happy and truly settled I am. I found a place where I’m wanted as a wife, a mom, and a daughter. I found that place where everyone wants and needs me. Momma and Daddy had the love that we have both found with Miles and Milly. They would have fought tooth and nail for each other and never allowed anyone to come between them. That’s what we found, and I’m never letting go of it. You were my home for many years, but now it’s now time for me to go with Miles and Ridley in this new chapter of my life. I’ll always be your kid sister and love you, but this is good-bye to the old Willow, Cree.”
Epilogue
Dear Little Notebook,
Today my little boy turns three. His big brother couldn’t be any more excited to celebrate his birthday. Ridley helped me bake the cupcakes and even decorated each one himself. I tell Miles all the time our Ridley is going to be an artist, just like his mom. He’s the best big brother ever. I’m so blessed to have all three of my boys in my life.
I will never forget the moment Abbott M. Tackett came into this world. He was a healthy 8 lbs 9 ounces. I held my breath the whole pregnancy and delivery because I just knew he was going to be taken away from me. Even after he was born, I would spend hours staring at his little chest rising and falling. He has brought so much peace into my life. Don’t get me wrong, life was dang near perfect before him, but there was something missing. Miles tried to convince me it was another dog or muscle car for his collection. I’m not talking Matchbox cars, I’m talking real life, full size restored cars. Of course, restored by his own hands. It was even evident in little Ridley that he needed a sibling, a soul mate and a best friend to grow up together with our love.
It took the love and encouragement from Miles for me to even entertain the thought of having my own baby. Ridley easily recognized my discomfort and we explained everything to him. And leave it up to my boy, he prayed every night over my belly. And yes, “Please God, let this baby be a boy. Daddy and I need to rule this place.” My boys were my everything, every piece of strength and fibers of courage I needed to get through my pregnancy.
