by H. J. Bellus
In three very short years, Abbott has grown into a curious, smart, and loving boy. He is the perfect comedic relief our family needs and is also the best cuddle pal ever. I’d like to say Momma was his first word, but it was “Nana.” And you can bet that Nana Wynnie hasn’t let us live that one down. Of course, the hours of coaxing helped while I was volunteering in Ridley’s classroom or painting new pieces. We just let her have her small victory.
We moved Nana Wynnie in with us about a year ago after her sight was deemed unacceptable to live on her own. The optometrist nearly shit a cow when Nana shared everything she did on her own. Miles wanted to build an addition onto our trailer, but Nana would have none of it. She preferred to share a room with Ridley.
Abbot is the perfect picture of his father. Brown hair, bright blue eyes and dimples. There hasn’t been a moment, a giggle or facial expression that doesn’t fully represent Miles. When Abbott was two, he asked for a pickle peanut butter sandwich. It took all four us to figure out what he was asking for and when I finally realized what he wanted, I fell to the floor. My dad always ate a pickle peanut butter sandwich with ice tea on hot summer days. None of us ever understood or even tried the crazy concoction. But my son asked for one at the age of two, it had my daddy’s name written all over it. I was so rattled by the request that I couldn’t move from the floor, and just like clockwork, Miles stepped in and took over for me. That’s how we work. When one is down the other one steps up with no question.
Between Miles telling me he “Loved Me Grande” and Abbott asking for a pickle peanut butter sandwich, I know my parents are always with me. I had my doubts after I left the farm. Nightmares of my father’s shame and mother’s disappointment sabotaged my sleep for months.
Speaking of the farm and family, we have designated trips every four months to visit. My boys love the farm and spending time with their uncles on the tractors. They also adore their cousins. The Fitzpatrick cousins are completely out of control when rolling in one pack. We also have our ritual Disneyland trips where we all meet up. I’ll never forget the look on my brothers’ faces when they visited the trailer park for the first time.
It took months for Cree and I to be able to talk without fighting or bringing up the past to hurt each other on purpose. It was foolish to think that one conversation would mend our relationship. It took time and patience, but we were all game to participate.
The first night we had dinner as a whole family in California, Cree and I started fighting over something ridiculous. Wynnie laid it out perfectly for the four of us. Cree, Milly, Miles and I digested every single one of her words with our whole heart, and let the healing process begin. I will never forget what she said…
“Just because you four are pissed at each other doesn’t mean those babies out there playing don’t deserve each other. Was Sarah the best mother? God damn it, no, she wasn’t. She probably didn’t even deserve the air she once breathed, but I thank God every day that she once lived. Because of her, Miles, you stand here a father and a husband, and because of her, Milly, you are a beautiful woman with a strong head and the biggest attitude to protect your family. You stubborn jackasses need to drop it all and just begin to love.”
Then leave it up to Lacey to crack a joke about Sarah to ease the tension. Lacey went on about Sarah not being the smartest rock in the box, with naming her two children Milly and Miles. Then Wynnie joined in on the joke, and all control was lost, but our hearts were set on the right path forever.
As I write this, Ridley and Abbott are building a fort with every piece of furniture in the living room, along with all the pillows and sheets. They have ushered Dan and Annie into the fort, and are now whispering their evil plans. I let the boys have their way with the living room since the party will be outside, and let’s just face it, these boys run the house.
I can hear my Ridley whispering, “Abbott, just wait to see what you get for your birthday.” Then the best sound of the day comes booming into our living room. It is the rumble of Miles’ car. Daddy! Both my boys squeal and shoot out of the fort. Every night they run to meet him at the door and it doesn’t matter how tired or pissed off he is from shop work, he puts it all aside for his boys. Miles never stays out after work, or walks across the street to shoot the shit and drink a beer like the rest of the dads in the trailer court. Nope. He walks straight into his living room, scoops up his boys, plops in his recliner, and just listens to their tales of the day.
Today is no different. He scoops them up and is ready to listen.
“Daddy, Daddy, it is my birfday. I’m free.”
“Dad, I got all the presents wrapped with Mommy, and decorated the cupcakes.”
And the rambling continues. Before long the boys have convinced their daddy to check out their fort, but before he crawls in he makes sure to kiss me and tell me that he loves me. He also finds Nana and kisses her forehead.
I always tell him that I don’t believe he loves me, because the simple truth is he doesn’t. It is much more than love. It’s stronger, threatening, and absolutely addicting. When something has the power to save your life, it’s more than love. Miles taught me to quit surviving and to finally start living the life I deserved. It wasn’t an easy journey, but now it’s our history that we get to share with our boys. He never gave up hope, but instead dug deeper down into my soul, trying to reach the real Willow. Not the broken, scared Willow, but the Willow that was meant to thrive.
For years I thought it was a mistake to love Greyson, and I hated myself for it. I even punished myself for it. But looking back it was my mistake that saved my life. It was my mistake that set me free. And it was my mistake that led me straight into the arms of my future.
Notebook, we have had a good run. You have been here for me, caught my tears on your pages, and took my punches a time or two. You watched me grow into a friend, a wife, and a mother, one painful and blessed moment at a time. It brings tears to my eyes to say good-bye. It’s time to go and be my own person and embrace life. The time has come for me to write my story upon the hearts of my boys.
I am far from the person I once was, but I am not yet where I am going. Life has been harsh, cruel and unfair during my short twenty-six years, but I wouldn’t change one single moment for a happier one because it has made me.
I thank God every day for blessing me with my three boys, and for this love story that will live on for generations to come. I pray silently to myself that the baby growing inside me is my little girl to complete our family. But you know, I will take a little Tackett boy any day. You’ve always known my name and now you know my story.
Forever,
Willow
PS—My family is visiting today for Abbott’s birthday today. All eleven of them!
Playlist:
Can’t Shake You (Willow’s battle with Greyson)
Gloriana
Fast Car (Willow’s internal battle)
Tracy Chapman
Little Miss (Willow’s theme song)
Sugarland
The Monster
Eminem feat. Rihanna
Kerosene
Miranda Lambert
Better In The Long Run
Miranda Lambert
Red
Taylor Swift
Beam Me Up
Pink
Steal My Kisses
Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals
Dies Famous In A Small Town
Miranda Lambert
Different Kind of Love
Brendan James
In a Little While
Uncle Kracker
Timing Is Everything
Garrett Hedlund
Basket Case
Green Day
American Idiot
Green Day
To Be With You (Miles’ song to Willow)
Mr. Big
Girls Just Want to Have Fun (The My Way Girls’ Song)
Cyndi Lauper
Johnny and June
Heidi Newfield
&nb
sp; I Hope You’re the End of My Story (Mile’s & Willow’s Song)
Pistol Annies
Black & Blue (Mile’s & Willow’s Song)
Carter Hulsey
Acknowledgements
Thank you to all my readers who have supported me along this journey. I appreciate your words of encouragement and friendship you have given. Thank you for taking a chance on me by reading my work. It truly warms my heart.
Always, to my partner in crime, Lydia; the one who inspires me, cracks the whip and makes me laugh on a daily basis. My dear, this is just the beginning of our badass journey together.
Thank you to Jodie Ellis for always listening and loving Miles.
I'd like to thank Buddy Clay for donating his time and being such a pleasure to work with. He definitely makes an amazing cover model. He is also THE perfect MILES. I reached out to him as a stranger and he was nothing but kind and caring...thank you BUDDY.
Finally, a huge shout-out to all the My Way Girls who support me on a daily basis with their unconditional love and humor.
About the Author
I am just a simple country girl getting one story out of my head at a time. I was raised in small town, USA and still reside there with my husband and children. I am a huge country music fan and am inspired by it everyday. I live and love country life, and you will find those elements in my books. I also adore strong and brave lead female characters, and strive to be a courageous and independent woman in everyday life. In my opinion, life is no fun without a good sense of humor, sprinkles, cheese whiz, and candy. It is the simple things that warm my heart. Live life your way, HJ Bellus
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