After The Snap

by Peyton Miller

  Colby warred with himself, going back and forth about the date with Neil. He was so upset he almost didn’t leave his apartment. Guilt filled him, and he had to give Neil a chance. He owed himself that much even if he didn’t want to be alone with Neil because if they were alone, he knew he would get the urge to hop into bed. They had history, and he freaking missed having sex. Really, that more than anything was driving him back to Neil. He wanted the intimacy they’d shared. Sure, he could go hook up with some other guy, but he didn’t want to weed through the pack just to find a good guy to sleep with. With another, he’d only be fucking, not living with them, so he should be able to find someone to spend a few hours with, but it wasn’t just the sex. He wanted the cuddling and kissing too.

  The argument went on in his mind until he finally threw his hands up and got in his car. One dinner with Neil wasn’t going to kill him. When he pulled into the parking lot of the cozy Italian place Neil had chosen, he realized what a huge mistake he was making. They needed to have this discussion in a sports bar or some other place that wasn’t romantic.

  No matter how much he still cared for Neil, he really didn’t want a cheater in his life. Being gay and out was hard enough without adding cheating to the mix. In the days following their split, he’d gone back and forth about what he’d known. No matter how many passes he gave, Neil hadn’t actually been faithful when he said he would. Maybe Deshaun was the only guy Neil had been with, but Colby had huge doubts about that. After what seemed like an eternity, Colby got out of the car and headed into the restaurant, each step further cementing his decision to say goodbye to Neil and walk away.

  On the walk to the table where Neil already sat, Colby realized this was the place where they’d had their first or second date. At the time, Colby had been entranced by the place, romanced by Neil, and had fallen head over heels for the sweet guy who promised to treat him like a prince. It pissed him off a little that Neil was trying so hard to win him back when all he ever had to do was just not fuck other guys. Sadly, he realized that his mind really was already made up. He should have stayed home and eaten a burger, or chicken picked up from Popeye’s around the corner from his apartment. This restaurant with its romantic lighting didn’t do anything for him because he’d already been down this path, experienced the pain, and any pleasure he took from Neil wasn’t worth worrying if his boyfriend was fucking their neighbor, some guy at work, or just a random stranger he’d picked up at a bar. In the few seconds he had to study Neil’s profile on his walk to the table, Colby decided that Neil looked like a rat. Maybe it was the lighting, or really just the truth finally evident, but he couldn’t think of Neil any other way now. What had he ever seen in this guy? Perhaps it had been his own age, or that Neil had money, whatever the cause, he’d made a bad choice when he’d fallen for Neil.

  “Hey, Colby,” Neil said as he stood and kissed Colby’s cheek. It took all of his control not to smack Neil on his face for fucking Deshaun. Somehow he maintained his cool and sat, knowing he’d never look at Neil the same again.

  “I’ve missed you.” Neil leaned forward, brushing his fingers over Colby’s arm.

  Colby lifted a brow and checked his phone for the date. “It’s only been two weeks.”

  “But I’ve missed having you in my bed.”

  Anger filled Colby at the mention of his bed. “I thought Deshaun liked your bed now.”

  Neil drew in a sharp breath and shook his head. “I thought you wanted to give us a chance. You know, I didn’t have to come on this date with you.”

  Colby reached for the water goblet that had just been filled by the waitress. He took a sip, amused by Neil’s words. “This is classic you, Neil,” Colby said after swallowing the water.

  “What does that mean?” Neil asked.

  He’d spent so long trying to please Neil, he’d fallen into accepting blame for things that weren’t his fault. Now, he didn’t give a shit what Neil thought and it was freeing.

  “You trying to blame me for things you did. You do realize I didn’t make you sleep with Deshaun or make you fuck any of the other men you had sex with while we were together. If you hadn’t demanded we be exclusive from the start—hell, I think this was the restaurant where we first decided to be exclusive, wasn’t it?”

  Neil’s cheeks flamed red. He may have been angry, but Colby didn’t care. The waitress came by and Neil tried to wave her off, but Colby called her over. “I’d like a pasta and fish dish.”

  “We have a very nice linguini with shrimp and pine nuts. It’s the chef’s favorite,” she smiled as she pulled out her pad of paper.

  “I’ll have that,” Colby said.

  Neil’s nostrils flared and he stared at the waitress before looking back to the menu. “I’ll have spaghetti with meatballs.”

  Colby smirked and drank more of his water. He looked up, seeing anger plainly on Neil’s face. Why had he ever dated this man? Sure they had things in common, but why? Maybe it was because Neil didn’t mind Colby’s lack of interest in sports, or maybe it was because Neil actually liked some of his personality quirks other people hated. He could try to figure it out, spending days hypothesizing on the reason, but it didn’t really matter, he’d made a mistake and it was time to move on.

  “Why are you laughing at me?” Neil asked.

  “You hate spaghetti.”

  “You threw me. We shouldn’t have ordered yet. We have things to discuss.”

  Colby took another sip of his water, more self realizations hitting him. He should have more respect for himself. “No, Neil, we don’t. I’m not going to fall for your lines again. When we were together, I didn’t know that you were cheating. If I had known from the beginning that you planned on being with other guys, then I guess things would be different. But you hid the truth from me and that means you lied throughout our relationship.”

  Neil touched his arm, his fingers pressing firmly. “Can’t we just go back to that? I mean, who did it hurt?”

  Colby cleared his throat and sat up straighter, taking his arm away from Neil’s reach. Neil frowned and Colby cringed at the fact that he’d ever bought the shit Neil was tossing around. When they’d first started dating, Neil had done shit like that, shown his displeasure, and Colby would bend over backwards to make Neil happy. But no more. He had to stand up for himself because no one else would.

  “Neil, it hurt me. That you lied to me and fucked around with other people, that was wrong. I can’t do that again. I’m never doing that again.”

  Neil’s mouth turned down in a pout, his brows bunched together. “So you’re going to be an asshole and we aren’t going to get back together?”

  Colby shook his head, his heart expanding with what could only be described as happiness. “No, Neil. I’ll never be with you again.”

  “What about later, you know, in a few months when you’ve had time to cool down?”

  Colby thought now was as good a time as any to tell Neil about his work. It wasn’t in stone, but his boss had mentioned the possibility. Maybe this would be the news that would really cement their break and keep him from falling back into the destructive pattern he’d had with Neil.

  “I won’t be around in a few months. So no, we won’t be hooking up again. My company wants me to move to California. I’ll be leaving Atlanta so it won’t matter what I feel, or what you feel. We’re over, Neil.”

  Neil tossed his napkin on the table, anger burning in his eyes. “You’re moving and leaving me? I don’t think I can stay here through the meal. I can’t believe you’re putting your job over us.”

  Colby took a sip of his water and narrowed his gaze. Had Neil always been like this, and had he really been stupid enough to put up with this crap? Never again. He would never fall in love like this again. Never. It didn’t matter who the guy was, how awesome they could be together, he wasn’t going to ever let his heart get the best of him. No more relationships, just hookups, that was all he would do from now on.

  He smiled at Neil, no
t caring that he would probably have to foot the bill for Neil’s food. Over time he’d seen how petty Neil could be. He shrugged and smiled. “Go, I won’t miss you.” Colby’s heart twisted a little as he said the words. He wouldn’t miss Neil, it was more like he’d miss having someone to come home to and cuddle with on Friday nights, someone to sleep in with on Sundays, and someone to share special celebrations with. Like now that he was getting a promotion and moving to a better position.

  Neil huffed, then thinned his lips. “You’re such a bastard.”

  Colby laughed and took another drink of his water, forcing his hands not to shake. The outside calm he was trying to show wasn’t at all how he felt inside. His guts were churning and if Neil left, he’d probably ask the waitress to box up both meals because he doubted he could stay here to eat—he really wasn’t that strong.

  Colby lowered his voice, making sure not to yell or let any emotion show through. “You’re the one who was sleeping with other men, not me. Don’t blame this on me. That’s all on you.”

  Neil stood and sneered at Colby before walking away. Sadly, Neil headed toward the bathroom and had to turn around and walk past Colby again, his gaze averted as he passed by. Colby wanted to laugh, but he hurt too much.

  “Oh, did you want your meals to go?” the waitress asked as she rushed over to the table watching Neil stalk out.

  “That would be best. Thank you.” Colby hated that he and Neil were over, but he hated more that Neil had cheated on him. No matter how lonely he felt, or how desperate he got, he couldn’t go back to what they had.

  Colby waited for the check and his food, all the while trying to keep the depression at bay. He had to keep telling himself he really was better off being alone than with Neil. Just thinking about the number of times he and Neil had had sex without a condom scared the shit out of him. He’d gone to a clinic at the beginning of the week but hadn’t heard back. Of course they said they’d only call if there was an issue, but he was freaking out and should have called to ease his mind.

  The waitress delivered his food and brought back his card. He thanked her and left the restaurant. Instead of starting his car, he sat in the parking lot, staring out the front window, wondering how it had come to this. The scent of the food filled the car, and his stomach grumbled. He needed to eat and sitting here wasn’t helping anything. He turned his ignition over, heading to his small apartment.

  “Hi, honey, I’m home,” he called out to no one when he opened the door. The place was a dump, and he really hoped the California thing came through because he didn’t want to be reminded again and again what he’d given up by leaving Neil. He hadn’t accepted any expensive gifts from Neil, nothing like a car or anything, but Neil usually bought dinners out, he picked up cool art on the weekend, the place they’d been living was top end, and now he was here, in the underbelly of Atlanta, living in a trashy apartment.

  The neighbors screamed, their voices audible over the TV he’d just turned on. A siren blared past on the interstate, adding to the noise. He sighed and dropped to the one chair he’d picked up with a rinky-dink little table he’d found at a thrift market, placing both to-go boxes on the flat surface. He opened the one with the food he’d ordered and then he opened Neil’s order. He took a bite of his pasta, then ate a bite from Neil’s food. A slow moan escaped his lips and he smiled. Not only did he have a delicious meal, he’d not succumbed to Neil’s charm, or actually lack of charm. He took another bite of the spaghetti and closed his eyes. He wanted sex, but he’d have to go out and brave the bars, finding someone to hook up with. That type of atmosphere wasn’t his favorite, but he’d do it because love wasn’t something he ever wanted to do again.

  Chapter Six

  Seth’s focus changed, no longer did he think about Channing. Everything was football. He became the guy on the team everyone wanted to be. It was like everything he touched turned to gold. Every pass connected. Every run was good. In practice he could do no wrong. In the preseason games, he was magic. If they gave him field time, he either threw a pass and the Chargers scored, or he handed the ball off to someone who scored. He was the guy. The one the coaches smiled at after practice. The hazing for being a rookie on the team lessened the better he played.

  They were close to the start of regular season and everyone was getting antsy. They’d cut a couple of guys, but they still had more to cut. With his wins he felt good, but there was still a little fear. After practice, he took a quick shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. The locker room was a rowdy place, and he tried to stay out of the fray, acting in a more clinical manner so he didn’t get in trouble by staring at a guy a few seconds too long. He showered, got dressed, and left. Some of the guys hung out, sitting around in their underwear, scratching their balls, and shooting the shit as they wound down before going home, but that wasn’t his thing.

  He was at his locker, facing away from the other guys while pulling on his underwear when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Panic flashed and he spun, finding Wayne with a huge grin on his face.

  “Hey, Seth, how’s it been?”

  “Good. I was just going to head out to—”

  Wayne held up his hand, cutting him off. “No, listen, the guys on the offensive line want to grab some food. Come with us. We’ll hang out, get to know each other. It will be fun.”

  Seth checked his phone, hesitating before answering. “I don’t know, I….”

  “Come on, it’ll be great.”

  He swallowed over his trepidation and smiled. He didn’t really have anything else to do, and he wanted to spend more time with the guys on the team. His old habit of hiding everything, his sexuality, his affair with Channing, had him avoiding every get-together with the guys. Seth shrugged, caving to their request. “Sure.”

  “Okay, just real quick, could you go around the corner and tell Will you’re coming with us?” Wayne flashed his smile again and winked.

  Seth nodded, and for some stupid reason, maybe the smile Wayne had shot him, he felt the need to please the man. Hell he’d always been a sucker for nice smiles so he moved away from his locker, turning the corner and walking into the area where the showers were located.

  The guys jumped him, laughing as they held him against the wall. Thomas and Gus, both offensive linemen, had his arms, and there was a hand at his back. He glanced over his shoulder, seeing Adrian’s sexy smile. His running back was freaking hot, but he couldn’t think that way, not when he was nearly naked with guys holding him down. Seth stilled. Struggling under a bunch of guys, no matter how much he tried to ignore their muscles and their scent, it wouldn’t end well for him or his dick.

  “Funny guys, now let me go,” Seth said.

  “Not before we take away some of your beauty because you’re too pretty to be on the field with us,” Adrian said.

  “Those curly black locks are going to get you in trouble out there so we’re going to help you,” Gus barked out on a laugh.

  “Guys on the other team be thinking you were some chick with hair like that,” Wayne said.

  Seth froze. Did they know? Could they possibly have any idea he was gay? “Hey, that’s not necessary.”

  “Oh, but it is,” Will said.

  Seth heard the buzzing of the clippers and knew he could struggle and possibly get a cut on his head, or he could just go with it. No one had said anything about him being gay, only that they were cutting his hair.

  “Get me a chair so you can do a good job.”

  “Damn it, Seth, you’re supposed to be putting up a fight and make us hold you down,” Wayne complained. The guys chuckled and he shrugged.

  Will had already started on one stripe and Seth stared at the floor where his black curls lay twisted together on the ground. Channing had loved his hair, loved weaving his fingers in the strands as he fucked Seth’s face or rode him. He would tug at Seth’s hair, telling him how pretty he was. Yeah, it was better that it go. He could grow his hair out in the off season if he wanted, but he saw this
as just another part of making a clean break from his past. In the rest of his life he was cleaning things up too, getting rid of the old and starting fresh. He only wished he’d been the one to think of this.

  The buzzing of the clippers turned off and he spun around. “Aren’t you going to finish?”

  “What’s the point?” Will shrugged. “You want to get your hair cut.”

  “Just give them to me,” Seth tried to take the clippers from Will but Wayne grabbed them instead.

  “I’ll finish it out and then we can go to dinner, though you’re probably going to need another shower.”

  Wayne buzzed his head, getting rid of the rest of his hair. After Seth showered again, washing away the little flecks of hair that dotted his shoulders and back, he dressed quickly, then moved to the sink to wash his hands. The reflection caught him off guard. With his hair gone, he didn’t look like himself.

  Will came up behind him and saluted. “You look like a jarhead.”

  He rolled his eyes. “I like it.”

  “Dammit, you’re no fun. You’re supposed to be angry and hate it.”

  This time Seth laughed and turned to face Will. “Thanks.”

  “God, you are impossible. You aren’t supposed to thank me. Come on, we’re hungry.”

  They razzed him terribly throughout the meal about his lack of hair. Adrian started calling him buzzy. Gus laid it on strong, teasing him about women, and Seth let him, because now was not the time to tell this group of men that he was gay. When the waitress came into the private room they were dining in and took their orders, they made a big deal about Seth being single. His face heated and he knew he was blushing, the waitress was a good sport, but he was terribly embarrassed.