The Way Back to Us

by Jamie Howard

  “Let’s just say I know what you’re talking about.” Felix scrubbed a hand over his face.

  “Well, no. I know you’re thinking about you and Jules and it’s not quite like that. Subtract all the love stuff from the equation and then you should know what I’m talking about.” I snapped my fingers. “It’s like I got to have phenomenal sex with my best friend. You know?”

  “You realize that to the rest of the world I’m your best friend, right?”

  I snickered. “I’m totally telling Jules you said that.”

  “It’s like talking to a child.” He pinched the bridge of his nose between two fingers. “Look, I know you’re all excited about going back to Hogwarts or whatever, but did you miss the part of your story where you were actually in love with Dani?”

  “Past tense. This time I can set the rules, mitigate expectations, it will absolutely not be a big deal at all. Friends, sex, the end.” I traced an X over my heart. “This guy is not invited to the party.”

  When I said it, it sounded like it could be true. Like it wouldn’t be a big deal at all. Mind over matter. If anything happened with Dani, I’d be going into it with my eyes wide open. It was what I did in my everyday life, the whole no-strings-no-attachment deal. Just because Dani and I had history didn’t mean things had to be more complicated than that.

  “If you say so, man.”

  I leveled my fork at him. “You sound like you don’t believe me.”

  “I’m cautiously pessimistic.”

  “The saying is actually cautiously optimistic.”

  “And yet I feel more pessimistic than optimistic about the situation.”

  “You suck.” I angled the bowl at him. “You sure you don’t want any?”

  “Can’t.” His gaze traveled around the kitchen, purposefully avoiding mine.

  “Can’t?” I laughed. “What, are you dieting?”

  “The wedding planner gave me—”

  “The wedding planner?” The laughter intensified so that I had to double over. “Scary Annabelle has you on a diet?”

  “Fuck you.” He swung at me, half-heartedly, missed by a mile but managed to deliver a solid blow to the box on the counter. The cardboard box hesitated for a second, teetering on the edge before plummeting to the ground. Bouncy balls of every size exploded across the room—pink, purple, blue, ones with sparkles, and ones painted with swirls.

  We both stared as they pinged across the room.

  Felix gaped at me. “What. The. Hell.”

  Chapter 10: Dani

  Sunlight streamed through blinds, highlighting the random dust motes floating through the air like dandelion fuzz. Band posters littered the walls, signed photographs squeezed into the spaces between them. I saw and didn’t see them, my mind awash in memories that’d been stirred up like the silty bottom of a lake.

  My hands gripped the worn end of a broom, but it wasn’t the rough wood I felt between my fingers but the cool strings of a ukulele. A different swath of sunlight caressed my face while fresh, green grass tickled my thighs. I strummed out a silly rhythm, the air alive with dancing music and carefree laughter. Gavin’s head lay across my lap, equally silly words narrating my tune.

  It was an afternoon of nothings—nothing special, nothing planned, nothing else in the world I wanted to be doing. And yet it was perfect. A splash of pure joy in an ocean full of darkness.

  The sound of the front door swinging open ripped me back to the present. My hand dropped subconsciously to my side, fingers playing over the rippled skin beneath it. It served as a reminder, a cold, harsh dose of reality that sent a chill skating up my spine. “We’re closed.”

  “Good thing I’m not a customer then.”

  My lips fought a losing battle with an oncoming smile as I realized who my early bird was. I managed to tamp it down a bit by biting the corner of my mouth. “Day drinking?”

  “No.” The seriousness in his voice had me turning around. It was rare for him to shed his smile. Or it was rare. I didn’t really know anything about this new Gavin other than there was a tiny part of him that wasn’t done with me yet.

  He sauntered over to the nearest table and leaned against it. “I wanted to see you. Wanted to talk.”

  Talk. So he was here for answers. Answers that I couldn’t give him. I went back to sweeping, keeping my attention on where the bristles scraped the floor. “What is it you wanted to talk about?”

  His hand wrapped around the broom, stilling it. With his other hand he gently nudged the bottom of my chin so that I was looking straight at him. “I’m only going to ask you once, just this one time, because if I don’t I’ll spend the next fifty years regretting it.”

  I swallowed, trying to relish this moment since in the next sixty seconds it would be gone. The feeling of him touching me would disappear. “Ask.”

  His green eyes searched mine, such a unique shade that I’d never been quite able to capture it with pastels, pencils, or paint. “What happened that night?”

  I held his gaze. “I can’t tell you.”

  His teeth sunk into his lower lip. “Why? If it’s because you don’t want to hurt me—”

  “It’s not that.” My feet propelled me backward. I needed space—to breathe, to think, to remember why this was such a bad idea. “Gavin, the truth is dangerous.”

  “Dangerous?” His hand landed on his hip. “Don’t tell me, you’re a CIA agent. Or wait, maybe an undercover cop. I mean the way you took down that guy last night was pretty badass.”

  My knuckles whitened around the handle of the broom. “This isn’t a game.”

  “Shit. You’re serious?” The smile slunk from his face. “Dani, listen, I can—”

  “No.” I kept retreating until there was an entire bar separating us. “Just stay out of it, Gavin. This is a bad idea. You shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be here.”

  It was one thing to risk myself, to stare danger straight in the face just for a few more minutes with Gavin. It wasn’t something I was willing to do when it involved his safety. And if he was going to go digging . . . no. It was over.

  “Wait, wait, wait.” He held his hands out, palms up. “I’m sorry, it’s none of my business. I’m letting it go. This is me letting it go.” He pulled out a stool and sat down on it. “I promise.”

  I hesitated, again. Each step closer I took to letting Gavin back in my life felt like a game of Russian roulette. Sooner or later it was going to go badly for me. I wouldn’t be able to bear it if it was him that got hurt from all this.

  “Dani.” His hand captured mine and he twined our fingers together. And that was what won the battle for me—a touch. It’d been so long since anyone had touched me like that, with such gentleness, such care that it almost broke my heart. It wasn’t till that moment that I realized how much I’d been longing for someone to do just that. “I won’t ask again, I swear.”

  I disentangled our fingers. I craved the closeness but feared it just the same. “I don’t want to lie to you, but there are things I can’t tell you.”

  “So tell me something true.”

  I turned to sort through the myriad bottles behind me, straightening them so their labels were face out. Really I was just buying myself some time. Trying to figure out what tiny threads of truth I could pull out of a tapestry of lies. I flipped a glass over on the bar and filled it halfway with bourbon. “I saw you in Chicago.”

  His eyebrows lifted. “When we played there?”

  I nodded. “Couldn’t afford anything other than the nosebleeds, but I was there.”

  “Next time I can get you something better. Front row, backstage passes, the real experience.”

  I forced myself to smile, but I already knew that would never happen. Not in this lifetime.

  “So.” He spun the glass around in tiny circles. “How long are you going to be here in our lovely city? A few weeks? A month?”

  I pressed my lips together and shook my head.

  “Right.” His fingers tugged through hi
s hair. “You can’t tell me.”

  A heavy breath escaped me. “What is it that you really want, Gav?”

  He tilted his head and just looked at me for a long minute. “Do you remember what it used to be like between us?”

  I helped myself to a sip of his bourbon. “Like I could ever forget.” When I glanced back at him, his gaze was trained on my mouth and the look in them was pure molten heat.

  “That’s what I want.”

  It felt like the world had turned completely upside down. Working here, I’d hoped to see him again, just once would’ve been enough. But this, this wasn’t even something I’d let myself contemplate even in the furthest reaches of my fantasies.

  I was barely breathing when I said, “I need you to be very specific right now with what you mean.”

  He leaned further across the bar, his arms folded beneath him. “I’m thinking dinners. Maybe a lunch here and there. But mainly I’m thinking hot—” His tongue darted out over his lower lip. “—mind-blowing sex.”

  My pulse kicked up until I was sure he could see it throbbing in the base of my throat. I tried to swallow, but my throat was completely dry. “I can’t make you any promises.”

  “Well I can make you one.” He straightened and a bit of the heat left his eyes. “I can promise you that I’m never going to love you again.”

  I tried not to flinch at the tone of his voice, tried not to let his words completely destroy me. They were smart words, viciously wise. Words I needed to keep close to my heart and constantly remind myself of.

  “Well, then it seems I can promise you one thing.” I got down another glass and poured myself a matching drink. “I can promise you this will never be anything more for me than a good time.”

  I held up my glass.

  He clinked his against mine. “Cheers to that.”

  Chapter 11: Gavin

  “Do you think maybe that might sound better if it went up at the end?” I flicked my finger ceiling-ward and demonstrated my suggestion, ending lipstick stains on a higher note.

  Ian followed along on his guitar, nodding as he went. “I like it.”

  The two of us were hunkered down in my creatively named “Music Room.” To the delight of my neighbors (or not, in the case of any loitering super fans) the room was completely soundproof. I couldn’t even start another round of “guess that noise” with Felix even if I’d wanted to.

  Ian kept playing into the next verse, adding a little flourish here and there, stopping every once in a while to change a cord. I listened to the notes and tried to let them coax the words out of me, tapping my pen incessantly against the notepad balanced against my knee. Together we co-wrote the majority of the band’s songs, though there were instances where we each came up with something all on our own. Once we had a basic idea down we’d showcase it for the guys, then work altogether from there till we had a finished product.

  Normally, the words came pretty easily. My notebook was overflowing with random choruses, full songs that’d never made it past a piece of paper. Today, my mind was on another planet and I had to battle for every word. With the way I’d been struggling for the last two hours it was amazing my fingertips were only stained with ink and not blood.

  I glanced over at Ian from where I was lounging on the leather sofa, the soft black fabric sticking to my cheek. “You ever been to a place called Studen’s?”

  He let the last series of notes echo around the belly of his guitar before answering. “Never heard of it. Why?”

  I twisted my face into the most nonchalant expression I could manage. “No reason. Just having dinner with a friend there tonight and all she gave me was the address.”

  He lay his guitar down. “The redhead from the bar?”

  “Felix told you.”

  “Bianca, actually.”

  “Who the hell told her?” I shoved up to sitting and tossed my notebook onto the coffee table. It slapped the shiny surface and slid toward the edge, coming to a stop inches before falling to its doom.

  “Rachel, I think.” He shrugged.

  If I mentally followed the trail backward I’d have to guess that Jules told Rachel who told Bianca. Those three ladies were wildly different and yet they’d all become close friends somehow. With their combined talents—award-winning actress, super hacker, power attorney—they were a fearsome threesome.

  I folded my hands behind my head and leaned back into the cushion. “It’s not a big deal.”

  Ian copied my pose in his recliner. “It never is with you.”

  “Thank you.” I blew out a breath. “You’re the only one who actually believes it.”

  “Well, I believe that you believe it.” The corner of his mouth tipped up. “Then again I convinced myself of the same exact thing when I started things up with Bianca.”

  I made a face and pushed off the couch, stalking toward the windows. “C’mon, you can’t actually compare what happened with you and Bianca with this.”

  He scratched his fingers along the edge of his jaw. “Guy and girl who are both determined to keep things casual. Girl who doesn’t plan to stick around long. Guy who’s adamant he can ignore his feelings.”

  I waved a hand through the air. Okay, so on the surface it maybe sounded a little bit similar. Just a bit. And I wasn’t even going to touch on his flat-out insinuation that such feelings even existed. “With Bianca there was always a certain amount of wiggle room. She was just heading back to Texas for a job. With Dani, it’s not a question, it’s a definite. She is leaving and there’s nothing that’s going to change that. Certainly not me.” I lifted one shoulder in a half shrug. I’d already figured out before that I wasn’t enough to make her stick around. “I’m not expecting any type of fairytale twist here.”

  “Expecting and hoping are two different things.”

  “Trust me, there’s no hope here.”

  And if that wasn’t hellishly depressing I didn’t know what was. I fended off a grimace and didn’t dare glance at Ian to catch whatever pitying look he might be throwing my way. I didn’t need pity. There was nothing to pity. I knew what I was signing up for. Just because the love bug had bitten half of our mighty foursome didn’t mean I was looking to get stung.

  Ian stretched his jean-clad legs out, crossing his feet at his ankles. “What’s her deal anyway? The whole moving around thing?”

  “No clue.” I slipped my hands into my pockets. “She’s not sharing.”

  His eyes narrowed. “You think she’s tangled up in something illegal?”

  Hell if I knew. I’d considered about a thousand different scenarios that involved her being constantly on the move, in danger or involved with dangerous things, and locking away secrets tighter than a prisoner in Guantánamo Bay. Needless to say, none of those guesses were anything all that bright and cheery.

  I offered him another shrug in answer.

  “You know, Rachel could always look into her. I’m sure—”

  “No.” I took a step toward him, tried to reel back my knee-jerk reaction. When I pushed her for answers the other day I’d seen that look in her eyes. The one that was basically a neon sign flashing, I’ve gotta get out of here! I wanted answers, but not enough to send her running again. Just because I knew her leaving was inevitable didn’t mean I wanted to speed up her departure date. “It’s not my place to go digging.”

  He flicked a hand at me. “Forget I mentioned it.”

  I found my way back to the couch and spun the open bag of Doritos back in my direction. “So, now that we’ve covered that, why don’t you tell me what’s going on in the land of Ian? Getting tired of having to put the toilet seat down? Annoyed that Bianca puts the toilet paper roll on upside down?”

  He snatched the bag of Doritos off the table. “There’s no right way to put on a roll of toilet paper.”

  “Is that what you tell her?”

  He shot me a nasty look and I couldn’t help but laugh. Licking cheesy red powder off my thumb I said, “Just wait, another couple m
onths and that newlywed feeling from living together for the first time will completely fade.”

  If I hadn’t been looking at him I would have missed the way he tensed at the word “newlywed.” But I was looking, so I didn’t miss it. Part of me wanted to kick myself for so carelessly throwing that word out there, but the other wasn’t above a little prodding.

  I picked up my bottle of Poland Spring and rolled it between my palms. “How long have you and B been together now? A year?”

  “Almost two.”

  The crinkling of the plastic water bottle was the only sound between us now. “You thinking about following in Felix’s footsteps?” I cringed. “Metaphorically speaking?”

  Ian’s thumb absentmindedly rubbed over the image of a hummingbird tattooed on his wrist. He probably didn’t even notice he was doing it, but knowing the significance of that particular tattoo, it was impossible to miss.

  “Do you ever . . .” His gaze zeroed out into the distance. “Do you think a person can be too happy?”

  “Too happy?” I chuckled. “No, sorry. I don’t think we have some cosmic overlord that’s looking down on us, smiting us when we’re happy.”

  He shook his head, entirely lost in his thoughts. In fact, I wasn’t quite sure he’d heard me at all. “First my dad, then Maggie.” He scrubbed a hand over his face and finally met my gaze. “I know it sounds fucking ridiculous, but every time I start just letting myself be happy, life sucker punches me. So, obviously, it’s just as fucking stupid for me to think that taking the next step with Bianca will end the same way, but . . .”

  He didn’t have to finish the sentence for me to know he was thinking about how things ended with Maggie. Reliving everything that happened all over again. It’d been dark days afterward.

  “But.” I clapped a hand on his shoulder. “Then again, what if you don’t do it and bad things happen anyway?” A smile flitted across my face and I swallowed down my laugh. “So, do you want to go to Hogwarts with me, or not?”