by Vance Huxley
“Hey, that wasn’t fair, none of us got a kiss like that this morning.” Sal had a huge grin.
Liz laughed. “Cripes, fair doesn’t count in love and war. That was counting coup.” She shook her head sadly. “I tried, oh how I tried to explain, but she’s only an innocent. Totally taken in by the macho stuff when he’s only a wimp.”
“Personally I call it bribery.” Suzie waved a card that Harold recognised. “A number fifty four and a number nine stapled together? We’re supposed to draw numbers.”
“Can we all do that? Staple a couple of numbers together and fix the draw?” Matti smirked. “I could send gramps home with Hilda.” Hilda lived about as far from Celine’s house as possible in Orchard Close. A chorus of comments rose from further inside. Behind Matti a shy smile from Umeko and a glimpse of a Stetson meant the girl club had gathered early. More faces looked to see who had arrived and smiled or waved, including a waving needle with wool attached that could only belong to Patty.
One usual face was missing. “Where’s Emmy, or has she already set off to give Einstein’s Valentine to Robert?”
“She’s banned, or will be if she ever dares to show her face.” Laughter made Patty’s voice unclear until she tried again. “Delivering Valentine’s a night early, all night? Anyway, Einstein’s present is still in the rat-box.”
“Where?”
Holly sniggered. “We decided Robert would rather be with Pippa until she’s over the worst, so we put Einstein’s present in with the dog and cat food, the frozen rats.” Holly let go of Harold. “Let me get my coat and then you can tell me what we’re doing today. After all, you don’t have to stay away from the woodcutting now that oik is dead.” A rousing cheer followed that.
“None of these cards is from a lumberjack, so woodcutters it is.” Casper waved over the intervening crowd, his bald head covered in lipstick kisses. “If we attract one I’m hoping my designer hairstyle will make him jealous.”
As the woodcutters gathered the rest of them, mainly men, were also a bit hyper, laughing at silly jokes and threatening to chase the women round the trees for a Valentine’s kiss. The mood persisted all day, and Harold finally realised why. He’d spent three years in the Gulf where at least half the population wanted him dead, and had a sort of tolerance. These people hadn’t, so living with the threat of one gunman had been eating away at them.
Though the increase in threats and promises as dusk approached had more to do with dancing, and walking home. The laughing crowd disembarked at the other end and climbed the wall, then fell silent. Three strange youths were stood inside the gate, backed against the wall with crossbows pointing at them. Another four gangsters were watching with interest but not interfering. The three vehicles parked on the road outside meant that the men would be visitors from the neighbours, but something had gone wrong.
“We knew you’d be coming soon so there was no point in calling. We didn’t want to advertise on the radio.” Sharyn passed Harold his stick. “Just to make this official.”
“What happened?” As Harold looked around he realised why the men stood so still. As well as the crossbows, there were five firearms aimed at them from places the Army couldn’t see. Bess grinned and waggled her pistol from number three, while beside her Matthew held a shotgun. Not to his shoulder because that hadn’t healed properly yet, but the youths wouldn’t know that.
“He happened.” Lilian pointed her crossbow at one of the youths. “A bigmouth who thought that because you and Casper and Emmy were away, the rules didn’t apply.”
Harold headed for the youth in question, his face hard. “What did he do?”
“Nothing. Christ, I did nothing.” The youth looked from side to side. “I never touched the bitch. Ask her. She hasn’t even come to say so.”
“No, because she’s bloody terrified, and if you call her bitch one more time I’ll pull the trigger.” Lilian glanced at Harold. “He spotted Umeko and sort of cornered her. She kept shaking her head but he kept moving in, telling her she could be his Valentine. When I saw them she was backed against a wall and he might even have been touching.”
“I wasn’t, I swear I wasn’t. She didn’t say no.” The youth was holding his hands low at the front and Harold remembered, touching without permission could mean gelding.
“Umeko says he didn’t touch, but he sure as hell would have. That means he pays but what, little brother?”
Sharyn calling him little brother calmed Harold a bit. “No touching means he won’t be gelded. What have the rest done?”
“Nothing, they just tried to back him up. These three are all Geeks.” Harold really wanted to geld the little scroat now; no wonder Umeko was terrified.
“I’ll pay the fine. Just call that lot off.” Harold almost smiled because he knew who that lot would be. Emmy and Holly were already well known, as was Casper, and the woodcutters included some of the fittest and strongest of the residents. They were all armed because of being outside the walls, so there’s be a wall of crossbows and machetes behind Harold.
“You two move away or you get the same punishment.” There was the barest of hesitation before the pair left their comrade.
“You fucking pussies. Wait until…” His voice died away.
“Yes. Foul language is a fine. What did he bring in?” Harold looked at number two, the guard house.
“A machete, Harold. No other weapons or ammunition.” Conn leant to the side and produced the weapon.
“That’s the fine. Now there’s the abuse.” Harold turned to those following and yes, they would have frightened him. “What is the penalty, short of killing or crippling since he didn’t touch?”
“Hey, I’ll pay the fine. There’s stuff in the car.”
Harold glanced back. “You pay with what you’ve brought in. Now shut it before I lose my temper.” As he turned back Harold saw that the four gangsters from the GOFS or Hot Rods were very interested in that as well as amused. “We need a punishment that none of these here will think is worth it.” Harold saw several heads nod slightly as they understood why. Some gangsters wouldn’t worry about a straight fine if they got their jollies.
Harold glanced at Sharyn. “Bring Umeko and every other woman you can. They can stay inside the houses but I want them all to see, for the pure embarrassment factor at least.”
“Good thinking, little bro.” Sharyn set off up the road, calling out names.
“You could smack him about with your stick, Harold? That would hurt. I’d do it but?” Casper waggled his machete and grinned because he’d given up on sticks or baseball bats to carry a blade.
“No, he’ll have been hammered by Soldier Boy and might even brag about it.” Holly glared at the culprit. “He should strip down to his boxers for starters, he won’t want to brag about that.”
“No. I’m not…” When Harold looked the youth had shut up because Lilian had raised her crossbow to her shoulder. She was a crap shot but at that range it didn’t matter.
“Can I strip him? It’s Valentines and I haven’t had a boyfriend for ages?” Casper waggled his eyebrows and wiggled the fingers on his free hand. Some of the laughter came from the other gangsters, and then Holly pouted.
“Hard luck Casper, unless he’s stripping because he’s keen?”
“Now we just need a suitable way to hurt him.” Patty curled her lip. “It should be a woman.”
“All the women.” Emmy grinned. “We should all hurt him, including Umeko.”
“But without crippling or killing.” Harold thought he’d better remind them, especially with the savage look on a few faces.
“I’m not using my hands on him.” The sheer disgust in Doll’s voice at that idea should have been embarrassing on its own.
Curtis laughed. He was in the other guardhouse with a pistol on the other gangsters in case they decided to interfere. “Garden canes. Has anyone here been caned?” A round of denials mixed with a couple of offers to try anything once came back. “My gran caught me at the ba
ck of the legs with a garden cane a couple of times and raised a welt through my jeans.”
Harold could see the idea take hold among the group in front of him. “How many garden canes have you got, Curtis?”
“Hundreds, all bundled up in a shed near the greenhouses. Enough for every woman in Orchard Close to have ten.”
“We’ll have to line up or some of us might not get a turn.” Harold turned back and the youth shook his head.
“No, not a chance.”
“It’s that or gelding?” If he hadn’t been a Geek, and gone after Umeko, Harold might have negotiated the actual amount of beating.
“They’ll beat me to death anyway.” He had a point. Once the likes of Emmy and Holly had him immobilised, they wouldn’t let the youth get away.
“How fast can you run?” The youth looked back blankly. “A hundred yards? From that house there to the gate?” A jerky nod answered this time. “You run from there to the gate, and the women will line up and take a swipe at you with a garden cane as you run past. Stop outside the gate and wait for this lot to get a good look at the result, or we’ll stick a crossbow bolt in you as well.” Harold indicated the other gangsters, some of whom were starting to smile.
“Nice one little brother.” Sharyn had finished her errand.
“I had help. Did Umeko come?”
“Yes, even Celine came.”
“Good, now do your little brother a favour and persuade those two and any other woman who has a real problem with men to take a cane.” Harold grinned. “Therapy.”
“I’ll get the canes.” Bernie set off at a dead run.
Harold lifted his stick. “Take your shoes back off, and follow me.” The stunned youth did as he was told, because the crossbows were still following every move.
Lilian and the other women handed off their crossbows to take a garden cane and Harold wasn’t the only one to wince as they swished them a few times. He grinned at the Geek. “You run down this footpath, and the women will space themselves out each side between here and the gate. They’ll all take a swipe as you run past. Don’t swerve off the footpath or these blokes will put a crossbow bolt through your legs and you’ll have to crawl the rest of the way.”
“Ooh, please, swerve.” Emmy swished her cane. Beyond her a woman in a hooded jacket took a cane from Holly and nodded at whatever Holly told her. Harold smiled because that looked a lot like Umeko.
“Emmy, Patty and Holly? You three take the first three swipes, all right?” All three smiled and nodded, then set themselves. Harold wanted those three first because they’d strike, and hard, and that should firm up the rest. Though Lilian and Bess already seemed keen enough as did a few others. Harold looked back at the youth. “Three, two, one, go.” The spectators cheered as he set off.
The youth looked fairly confident as he started running, and then he stumbled and screamed because the first three all left a line of blood and broke their canes. After that he moved slower because he kept putting up his arms and crouching to stop the thin sticks. Not every woman turned out but twenty three did and every one hit him. Most of the strikes struck his forearms and back, and not all brought blood, and he kept on his feet long enough to stagger through the gate.
“Righto, the rest of you can collect your gear now and have a good look on the way out. We take our rules seriously.” The other gangsters weren’t laughing now, but were definitely impressed. Most had stopped laughing when the youth started screaming. Now, as the other men collected their weapons and walked out, some of them flinched at the thin red marks and lines of blood on his limbs and body. The whimpering and the tears streaming down the youth’s face were gravy.
* * *
Harold half thought the beating would dampen Valentine’s a bit. Judging by Sharyn’s smile when she came downstairs dressed to dance the beatings might have had the opposite effect. “What happened to Womble?”
“That was a stupid idea. I’m a grown woman. The scavengers have been looking out for sensible frocks for the rest of us, and came up with this.” Sharyn gave Harold a little twirl of her long, dark blue evening dress and smiled sadly. “Freddy could have taken me to a dance in this without scandalising anyone.”
“I’m the black sheep in this family, sis, so scandal is down to me.” Harold gave a twirl as well since he wore a cloak, or someone had been having fun with green velvet curtains. “I’m not sure if this is some sort of romantic thing or a vampire costume. Where did they find a green velvet jacket to go with it?”
“How would I know? The jacket would look better buttoned up.”
“They’d pop if I breathe too hard.” Harold laughed. “Vampire then, because they don’t breathe.”
“Does that mean you’ll be dragging a poor maiden back to your crypt? Should I give her a chance to get out in the morning before Daisy and Hazel see her?”
“No! Holly isn’t, well, we aren’t.” Harold gave up in the face of Sharyn’s laughter.
Sharyn calmed down to a big grin. “I know, but you’ve actually blushed. That hasn’t happened for a while little brother. Have you got it bad?”
“Typical.” Harold raised his head to do the haughty bit like a vampire in an old film. “A man treats a woman with a modicum of respect, and his sister assumes ulterior motives.” He grinned. “Maybe I like going out with a woman who has no designs on my body.” Sharyn found that funny as well and still wore a big smile when they left Susan and Rob to babysit. That pair were in a good mood as well, and Susan asked where the canes were in case Rob misbehaved.
Harold stopped at the dance-house door to murmur in Sharyn’s ear. “I detect a conspiracy. A vampire conspiracy. I also detect fast work with a needle.”
“But only one has a matching cloak.” Sharyn headed for the cloakroom but Harold kept his cloak as part of his costume.
Holly’s cloak came from the same curtain or bedspread as Harold’s, though shorter with some lace trimming, and hers had numbers nine and fifty-four pinned to it. Eight other women and six men wore varying lengths of cloak so the vampires were out in force tonight. Sal smiled and then bared a pair of plastic vampire fangs, and both Jon and Billy offered their necks and glared at each other. Harold put his arm around Holly as the music struck up. “May I have the pleasure?”
“Of course. But first?” Holly unfastened the fifty-four from her cloak and pinned it to Harold’s. “In case there are any poachers.”
“Doubtful now. Though there’ll be a lot of disappointed blokes since you’ve covered up your legs.” Holly wore a long green dress, almost down to the floor. She opened her cloak to show that the dress came right up to her neck. “That’s lovely.” Harold leant forward as they started to dance. “So are you.” Holly looked much older than usual with her hair up and a velvet choker around her neck, and drop dead gorgeous.
“That’s worth a two.” Holly laughed after the kiss was delivered. “Maybe a level three later to work up to level five.”
“Hey, slow up. Some of us have to warm a man up first.” Doll swept past and Billy looked warmed up already.
Harold whispered in Holly’s ear. “A vampire cowgirl?” Doll’s wore a denim cloak with a fringe that didn’t reach her shorts.
“All those lonely cowboys, out in the dark? Now we know why nobody could ever kill the hero.” Holly sighed and cuddled a bit. “I suppose you’ll find out because I’m not allowed to monopolise you.”
“You needn’t worry too much, everyone has covered up tonight.” Apart from Doll, Matti and Suzie all the dresses were at least mid-shin and mostly full-length. Several of the men without cloaks wore suits with ruffs at the cuffs and on the shirt fronts or bow ties so the theme must be romantic-vampire.
“The scavengers have taken until now to get enough of the right clothes. Nearly enough because Suzie, Matti and Doll have some sort of competition going. Liz says it’s who can get nearest to showing her knickers without doing so.” Holly giggled. “I’m banned from wearing my tutu until they’ve sto
pped, because Patty says that actually is underwear and I might not like the prize if I win.”
* * *
Harold danced with an undead cowgirl who moved a lot like a live Doll, and with several other vampires. Sal wore her red dress under her red cloak, but with white makeup instead of Jessica Rabbit lipstick. Sal’s dancing wasn’t chaste, but she didn’t shimmy or insist on skin stroking, and Harold noticed she avoided dancing with Jon.
Though Lenny the paramedic looked startled when she descended on him. Sal had mentioned rewarding him for deciding to stay and the dance might have been her idea of a reward. Harold just felt grateful the man decided to stay. Lenny thought Orchard Close were decent people and needed a paramedic more than the people outside the cordon.
Two of Harold’s dances were very chaste. The first with Umeko, as a thank you for her therapy she told him. Harold took his cue from her carefully placed fingertips on his shoulder and waist, and did the same. Umeko only danced a few times after that, in exactly the same formal style with Nigel, Barry and Finn.
“After that version of therapy, I thought a dance or two is the least I can do.” Celine managed a hand on his shoulder, but held Harold’s other hand.
“Always happy to help. Your dress really suits the themes this time.” Celine’s white gown looked perfect this time and she had even found some white fur for a choker, another theme tonight.
“Except for those three.” Celine sighed. “I had a little green dress for Valentine’s and other dances that would have matched Suzie’s. It would have gone with your outfit, though not as well as Holly’s does.” Harold thought the dress probably went well with her red hair as well, and realised Celine must have been a lot more of a party girl than he’d thought. He’d never met her before the rape, so somehow he’d always thought of Celine as the quiet type. Celine hummed the tune for a couple of bars. “You have some strange ideas about therapy.”
“But did it work?”
“It worked on that nasty little scroat. Oops, Liz language.” Celine hummed a little bit more of the tune then looked up with just a hint of humour in her eyes. “The NHS might not think much to your methods, Harold, but I approve. I really do believe I will need my little dress again one day.”
