A Mother's Secret

by Minna Howard

  ‘Don’t rush away. We love having you both, and I hope you’ll see here as your home as well,’ Nathan said, not picking up that she was not yet comfortable here with Delia and her judgemental opinions.

  ‘Stay as long as you need to,’ Verity said, and had they been alone she’d have told her that Delia was leaving soon. Though she had said she’d leave on Boxing Day, it seemed she might not after all. It all depended on who was around back home to amuse her.

  ‘You can’t go until you’ve had a ride in my car,’ Marius said. He’d bought an old sports car that he was working on and had promised her a ride when it was done.

  ‘She’ll have to stay here until next Christmas then,’ Toby teased.

  ‘I must leave the day after tomorrow, I have a round of parties I simply cannot miss,’ Delia announced, which calmed the situation and Saskia agreed to stay until the weekend.

  Verity wondered to Nathan when they were on their own how Saskia’s new life as a single mother would pan out. Not until you were faced with it did you realise the amount of time and energy a baby needed. It was relentless, babies naturally having no concept of time; they could cry all night, sleep all day, you never knew. It was hard to plan your life in the early days and Saskia was still recovering from the birth and had no partner to support her, to take turns in caring for their child.

  She would be going back to work herself, soon, Verity thought, so she wouldn’t be around much to help out. She wondered about Darren’s family and how much help they would be. Saskia had been so brave in getting her life together. She so hoped everything would work out for her.

  FORTY

  Marius and Toby insisted on dropping Saskia and Fleur back at the house, Marius proudly driving them in the car he’d recently bought. There was just room for two people in the front, with Toby and Fleur, strapped into her basket, in the back.

  Verity was worried about the boys taking them both on their own. The car might break down and leave them stranded. She and Nathan had been asked to lunch with friends who lived out of London, and Saskia wanted to get settled in before the evening.

  ‘They’ll be fine, there are seatbelts and it’s not far. There’s not much traffic, but drive extra carefully,’ Nathan said to Marius.

  ‘Course I will, Dad. What do you take me for?’ Marius complained mildly. ‘Anyway, we want to see where Saskia lives, this very grand house full of ancient people.’

  ‘Even more reason not to disturb the household,’ Verity warned them, having heard about Mrs Tracy Morton’s scary threats to get Saskia and her baby evicted.

  Saskia was rather dreading going back. She’d been happy here with her new family, enjoying having time with her half-brothers. Toby had always been easy but now Marcus had come round and the three of them had had great fun together, the boys amused that their father had got caught out by having her while hanging round Greece not much older that they were.

  She would miss them all, but worse was going back to Ivor and Bethan. Would she move in with him, or he move out? She felt lost and alone and though she had this new, loveable family, they were busy with their own lives, and she, apart from visiting them, must make her and Fleur’s alone.

  They reached the house by the river with no mishaps. They parked the car round the corner and got out. Saskia had her key ready and carried Fleur. The boys struggled with the Moses basket, now filled with Fleur’s things and more bags of presents and leftovers that Verity had pressed on her, saying at least she need not leave the house in this damp weather to go shopping for a couple of days. They opened the gate to the front garden and walked up to the front door, the boys amazed at the size of it. They unlocked the door and went in.

  ‘Wow, talk about faded grandeur.’ Marius looked around. ‘It must have been magnificent in its day. So odd it hasn’t been sold, it would make whoever owns it a fortune.’

  ‘I think it belonged to a large family and was then divided into flats where some of them still live. Ivor told me they never could quite get rid of all of them so when someone died or moved out they rented out their flat to someone else, always hoping that one day every member of the family would be gone so that Richard, who has now inherited it, can sell it.’

  ‘So, you might not be here for long?’ Toby asked as they trailed up the stairs.

  ‘I don’t know how old the last relatives are, nor do I know everyone who lives here,’ she said. ‘I’ll just wait and see. I’m sure Richard would give us a little time to find somewhere else when it happens,’ she said with more hope than conviction.

  A door opened above them then closed and there was the sound of a key being turned in the lock. The boys stopped, intrigued to see who it was. Saskia froze; sod’s law, it had to be Mrs Tracy Morton. Fleur, sensing her mother’s disquiet began to cry and when indeed, Mrs Tracy Morton did appear on the scene, she was frowning.

  ‘Oh.’ She stared in horror at the four of them. ‘So, you’re back with a baby, and who are these young people?’ She glared at the boys as if expecting them to run riot at any moment.

  ‘Marius and Toby Walton,’ Marius introduced themselves. ‘We are just helping our sister move back.’

  ‘And our niece,’ Toby chipped in, smiling. He was delighted to see the dreaded Mrs Tracy Morton, having guessed who she was having heard about her from Saskia.

  Mrs Tracy Morton was momentarily silenced. Then she said fiercely, ‘We don’t encourage young people here. This is… or was—’ she glowered at Saskia ‘—a quiet house for older people who hope for a peaceful retirement after a lifetime of hard work and sacrifice for our country.’

  Saskia said, ‘We will be quiet. My brothers—’ She felt good saying this, knowing she had a family after all ‘—will not disturb anyone. I see you are going out and they will probably be gone by the time you get back.’

  ‘But that baby won’t.’ Mrs Tracy Morton glared at Fleur, who had now stopped crying and was staring at her in fascination.

  The door beside them opened and Trevor came out. His face lit up when he saw them. ‘Saskia, home with your baby, safe at last. We missed you, did you have a good Christmas?’ He came towards them smiling. ‘And your baby, how tiny and perfect she is.’ He cooed at her.

  Mrs Tracy Morton scowled at him. ‘You won’t say that when she keeps us awake all night screaming her lungs out.’

  ‘I expect we’ll weather it, if we even hear her. This old house has been properly built, not like the modern ones where they skimp on everything,’ he explained to the boys, finishing, ‘I doubt she’ll disturb us.’

  Mrs Tracy Morton sniffed then turned and left them as Saskia introduced Trevor to her brothers.

  ‘So, you have quite a family,’ he said, before going on in a quieter tone, ‘Don’t worry about her. Rumour has it that she might move out to some swanky retirement home. Fancies herself sitting in the bar, playing bridge and so forth with “the same class of people” as she put it.’

  ‘So when you leave to go to your sister, that will make two empty flats.’ Saskia was now concerned. She and Ivor knew they were only here while the oldies were still here, and what if he moved out to be with Bethan? She might have to leave sooner than she’d thought.

  ‘Well, we all move on in the end.’ Trevor smiled again at them, said goodbye and left them.

  ‘Your flat’s so nice and bright, though quite small,’ Toby said, roaming round it to check it out.

  ‘Perhaps you could move into a bigger one if those old people are leaving.’

  ‘We’ll see,’ Saskia said laying Fleur in her cot beside her own bed. She enjoyed being with her half-brothers and was grateful they had dropped her back so she didn’t have to wait until Nathan and Verity got back from their lunch to bring her here. She could have taken a taxi, but she’d needed help to get her luggage and Fleur up here.

  The boys left, clattering down the stairs. Marius was edgy about his car getting a ticket, or worse, towed, not being parked at a meter. Nathan had told Marius he would not pay any
parking fines if he got any. They made a hurried farewell, their minds now on their next adventure and Saskia stood in the middle of the tiny living room and took stock.

  Here they were, she and her daughter. She wished Ivor was upstairs. He’d be back on Sunday, three more days to wait, but then Bethan might be with him and he would have no time for her.

  Just before Christmas, she’d received a letter from Gail, Darren’s mother, saying ‘the news was a lovely surprise’ though they’d wished Darren had told them earlier. She’d said that they would like to play a part in their lives and asked if they could either come and meet her and Fleur, or if she and their ‘grandchild’ would like to come and stay with them for a few days. Frank, Darren’s father, was coming to London to see a doctor just after the New Year and would it be too soon if they met up then?

  She was nervous about meeting them, but they were her daughter’s grandparents. When she rang them from back home after Christmas, she was heartened by Gail’s warmth towards her, and invited them to the house for lunch. Gail was worried about Frank climbing up lots of stairs after his heart trouble, so she suggested they meet in the coffee bar at the top of Peter Jones where he could take the lift, and the plan was made.

  Saskia heard Ivor returning to his flat late on the day after New Year. She and Fleur had passed the day quietly on their own, turning down a couple of invitations from friends. It was cold and rainy, and she preferred to stay at home with her daughter, seeing in the New Year together.

  She waited for Ivor to call on her, listening for him to come out of his flat and wondering if Bethan was with him. The next day she heard him come out of his flat and come down the stairs. She waited for him to stop outside her door and knock as he often did, especially if he’d been away. But he went on down the stairs to the hall. A while later she heard him return and again, he did not come to see her. Perhaps he thought she was still with Verity and Nathan, but wouldn’t he have sent her a text, or knocked on her door anyway?

  It upset her, but she would not go to him. The whole episode of Fleur’s birth might have spooked him, and if he was with Bethan, he would not want to be involved with her and her problems anymore.

  The weather was cold and wet, and she didn’t want to take Fleur out. Thanks to Verity she had plenty to eat. She heard Ivor going out later and stood in her tiny hallway waiting for him to come and see her. She’d been alone in the flat, seeing no one since she’d shut her door behind her brothers. She longed to see him, show him how Fleur had blossomed since he’d last seen her, but she was not going to be the one to knock on his door first.

  She still had not seen him when she went to meet Darren’s parents and Fleur’s grandparents. She could have opened her door and called out to him, asking after his skiing holiday, but she did not.

  She wrapped Fleur up warmly, put her in the baby carrier close to her chest, and set out, feeling nervous at meeting them after so long and with the changing circumstances, making them grandparents. If only Darren was with them. She’d met his parents before but some time ago and that was only for a short time. Now with their grandchild she would be linked to them forever.

  She went into the shop, walked through the china department and took the escalator to the fourth floor. The place was not crowded, and she saw them straight away. Gail waved and got up to greet her while Frank, who she remembered was quite a bit older than his wife, looked pale and tired and struggled to his feet.

  ‘Saskia, my dear, we are so excited to meet Fleur,’ Gail said, gently kissing her so as not to squash Fleur, then bending down to get a good look at her. ‘So sweet and so tiny. I’d forgotten how little they are in the beginning, though of course she was premature. Do look, Grandpa,’ she giggled, ‘isn’t she adorable?’

  ‘Yes, very sweet.’ Frank seemed bewildered by the whole thing.

  After they’d sat down and ordered tea, Gail said, ‘I don’t know where to start. We haven’t seen much of Darren since he went to the States and we hadn’t heard you’d broken up or about the baby. Then Frank became ill and he jumped into a plane and flew over to be with us. It’s all been a manic time.’ She sighed, glancing at Frank, and Saskia could see the concern in her expression.

  ‘It has, I was quite caught out by Fleur coming early. I had nothing ready, but thankfully an old friend who lives in the same house as I do, came to the rescue and took me to hospital and stayed with me until she was born.’ Saskia felt she’d shared too much information, as Gail and Frank exchanged a glance, but that was how it was.

  The slight awkwardness lurking at the beginning of their meeting soon dissipated. Gail said how relieved they were that Frank had had his heart trouble here, with the NHS to look after him and not in Spain and in their villa, which was quite a way from the hospital. It had made them think that it might be better to spend more time in Britain, even give up their house in Spain altogether. They would love it if she and Fleur would come and stay. They would be quite independent in their unoccupied granny flat.

  ‘I understand that you and Darren are no longer a couple, but now you have this child between you, you must both put her first in your lives,’ Gail said, with a glint of determination in her eyes. ‘Also, we understand you have recently lost your mother, and for that we are very sorry—’ she briefly touched Saskia’s hand ‘—but you have found your father and a stepmother,’ she said in a more encouraging note. ‘So, we all must play a part in Fleur’s wellbeing. Perhaps we could arrange a meet up with your family. You could all come to us for lunch when it gets warmer,’ Gail said eagerly.

  Saskia felt a little overwhelmed by it all, but Fleur, unlike her, had a readymade family waiting to love and care for her and it would be unfair on her to refuse their care just because she wanted to keep her child to herself. Fleur woke up, looking about her, and Gail asked if she could hold her. A little reluctantly, Saskia handed her over, tensing herself for Fleur to cry and upset the other people sitting around with their coffee and cake, but she did not. She stared about her with interest while Gail, studying her intently, said she could see a likeness of Darren in her.

  ‘Have you got everything you need for her or could we buy you something you need? A buggy, cot, whatever,’ Gail asked her.

  ‘Oh, I haven’t though. That’s so kind,’ Saskia said, not knowing what to ask for. Verity had found the Moses basket and spruced it up for her, so she had a cosy place to sleep.

  Gail took over and soon she was in the possession of a buggy, a baby blanket, a couple of tiny dresses and a plastic bath, all to be delivered to the house. She wondered what Mrs Tracy Morton would make of that.

  It was late by the time she got home, having promised to go and stay with them in a few weeks’ time. She fed Fleur and put her to bed and sat quietly coming to terms with it all. She sent a text to Darren telling him of the meeting and his parents’ generosity of buying things for their grandchild. They had not spoken much about her and Darren’s relationship, his father only saying that Darren would do his duty by her and his daughter.

  Darren sent a text back, saying how much his parents had loved Fleur and how he longed to see the changes in her as she grew. He planned to put a sum of money in her account each month, which would ease her financial situation for the moment.

  A tiny flame of hope flickered in her. Perhaps Darren would come back to her, wanting to be near their daughter and watch her grow? Fleur was the link that could never be broken between them and would tie them together, tighter than any marriage vow.

  It was the weekend before she saw Ivor. He knocked on her door early one evening. He looked great, tanned and fit. He dropped a quick kiss on her cheek and came in, asking how Fleur was. He seemed a little awkward, hovering as if he had something to say. She watched him. He went over to the window looking out on the bleak, winter garden, the Thames like a silver ribbon gleaming in the distance. He stared out awhile and then as if he’d geared himself up, then turned around to face her.

  ‘I need to say this, I meant to s
ay it before I went skiing but thought it better to think about it while I was away.’ He regarded her intently. She was sure he was going to tell her that he and Bethan were back together again, and he was moving away from this house to live with her. She braced herself, dreading his news.

  ‘I care for you very much, Saskia,’ he began, hands in his pockets, not looking at her. ‘But I don’t want to take on a child, a child who has a father who I’m sure will want to be part of her life even though your relationship is over – for the moment anyway. If she were mine, of course, it would be different, but I’m not ready to be a father yet… if ever, perhaps.’ He gave a nonchalant shrug. ‘But I’d like to stay close to you and help out if I can. After all we shared such a special time when she was born.’

  His words surprised her. She’d been expecting him to say he cared for her, but was in love with Bethan, and his words had taken her by surprise.

  ‘Are you and Bethan together again?’ She braced herself for his reply.

  He frowned, looking perplexed. ‘N… no. We’ll always be fond of each other, but she has someone else now.’

  ‘I see.’ She felt a surge of hope. But he didn’t want to become close to her, that’s what he was trying to say. He didn’t want to take on another man’s child and who could blame him? She was not free; Darren might no longer love her, but his presence would always be there, the other man, so perhaps she could never truly love another.

  ‘I understand.’ She smiled at him, touching his arm. ‘I seem to be stuck in a sort of limbo, but you will always be my best and dearest friend.’

  Fleur chose that moment to wake up and disturb them. ‘I’ll just fetch her, she usually wakes at this time,’ Saskia said to him, wanting to hold her child and remind herself that she was worth giving up someone like Ivor for.