A Passionate Love Affair with a Total Stranger

by Lucy Robinson

  ‘I see,’ I said. I didn’t.

  When she spoke again, her voice was quieter. ‘I’m afraid I’ll lose him if I carry on emailing him,’ she said. ‘This is all very embarrassing, Charlotte, but I want to hire you to email him during the next week. I … like him. And I can’t write emails.’

  Thank God I was closing the company. ‘Shelley,’ I said gently, ‘I’m afraid I can’t help. My service is designed for pre-date conversation. I think anything beyond that would amount to a deception that I’d feel uncomfortable –’

  ‘Please,’ Shelley said, cutting in. ‘Please,’ she repeated, more softly. ‘He’s special, Charlotte. I’d be devastated if I messed this up. I’ll pay you anything you want. And I’ll write an endorsement for your website. Anything.’

  I was taken aback. Shelley Cartwright had become a human being. How sad to have to let her down now. ‘No, I’m afraid it’s just not possible,’ I said eventually. ‘I’m actually having to close my business. For various reasons, I –’

  ‘But I can’t do this myself,’ Shelley interrupted. ‘I’m not clever enough, funny enough. And what do you mean you’re closing your business? You’re utterly brilliant! What you did for me was extraordinary!’

  And that was that. My work ego marched in and took control. Quite simply, her words had made me feel good and I wanted more. And even though a small part of me – the part that ‘William’ had opened up – knew that it wasn’t healthy to boost my self-esteem like this, I knew I’d lost the battle. I had no power. I was in her hands again.

  ‘OK,’ I heard myself saying. ‘OK, I’ll do it.’

  ‘WONDERFUL!’ she roared, suddenly Shelley Cartwright again. I could picture her face, all flushed and angry, just like mine was on the rare occasions when I was truthful with others about my feelings. ‘Now,’ she continued, ‘I’d like you to start by reading the emails we’ve sent each other today – they’re fairly poor. Let me give you my email login so you can read them and I’ll call you back in a few minutes …’

  I ended the call and flopped back on the sofa, scratching my head. How had I been swayed so easily? Don’t panic, I told myself. It’s your last assignment. You can close down all the other client relationships and just do this one last job. I meant it.

  One last job.

  It had now been so long since I’d slept that I was beginning to lose track of what was real and what was hallucination. I was pretty sure Sam was staring at me, saying something about carrying me. But Sam was still in London. ‘What?’ I muttered. My vision swam.

  ‘Chas, wake up or I’m going to have to carry you to bed.’ Sam took my glasses off and squeezed my hand.

  ‘What? Where?’

  Sam laughed softly. ‘I just got in. I’ve spent the last couple of minutes prodding you but you were completely unconscious. Please tell me you didn’t work a full day?’

  I shut my eyes again. ‘Go away. I’m not talking to you.’

  I felt Sam sit down next to me on the sofa. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said quietly. ‘I came back early to apologize in person.’

  I opened one eye. He certainly looked sorry, but I said nothing for now.

  ‘Whatever you may think, I’ve never had designs on Katy. I was just temporarily off my face.’

  I pulled myself up a bit. ‘We’ve got wasted and snogged some random people, Sam. But did you really need to do it with my sister?’

  He looked mortified. ‘That stuff hit me like a steam train. Come on, Chas, you’ve taken drugs!’ There was a silence. ‘Oh, no, you haven’t, have you? Don’t like the sensation of being out of control, right?’ His face fell. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you on top of everything else. I just can’t believe I took that filthy shit. What a moron. I slightly hate myself.’

  ‘Sam,’ I said tiredly, ‘of all people … I asked you not to go there.’

  ‘I know.’

  There was a long silence. I watched thoughts flashing across his face – such a young, pretty face still, the bastard – and knew what he must be thinking. He’d snogged Katy because he was miserable after seeing William and Shelley kissing in the street. Just like I had been. We’d seen our hopes dashed and had turned to the things we knew best – me to work, him to the nearest available girl.

  I’d been so busy thinking about myself and my own feelings since last night’s discovery that I’d somehow forgotten Sam had fallen hard as well. What was it he’d said in that draft email? He didn’t want to break anonymity with Shelley but he basically had no choice?

  Sam didn’t do stuff like that. Writing love letters. Telling girls how he felt. I’d had years of observing him and I knew his patterns. The idea that it was me who had cast this spell on him was … weird. Indescribably weird. I wasn’t sure I liked it.

  ‘How’s First Date Aid going?’ he asked suddenly.

  I froze. ‘Why?’

  Sam looked suddenly shifty, which alarmed me. He was after something. ‘No interesting clients at the moment?’

  Shit. What was he getting at?

  ‘No one in particular.’ I shrugged.

  Sam shrugged too. Both of our shrugs were crap.

  Silently I begged him to let it go, but it seemed he had other plans. ‘Just wondered if you had a client called Shelley?’ he said, in a slightly strangled voice. ‘She, erm … She’s a friend of a friend. Someone said she was going to contact you.’

  Oh, God! I thought, panicking. He’s beginning to put two and two together! He’s wondering why I was in Polpo! There was another awkward silence as I fought the urge to get up and run, possibly straight out of my third-floor window. Should I just tell him? Then: No! NEVER! Our friendship wouldn’t survive that kind of awkwardness. It was only because we rarely went deeper than a puddle that our cohabitation had worked so well.

  ‘No, I don’t have a Shelley on the books,’ I said vaguely. ‘Doesn’t ring any bells.’

  Sam seemed extremely relieved. ‘Oh!’ He beamed, with another crap shrug.

  I needed to get the hell out of there. ‘I think I’ll go to bed, then,’ I announced. Sam moved over so I could swing my legs off the sofa. ‘Night, Bowes.’

  ‘Night,’ he said. He was already miles away.

  ‘Oh, and actually, just so you know, I’m closing First Date Aid down.’

  Sam was back in the room. ‘You what?’

  ‘I’m closing it down. I can’t do it alongside Salutech. Work has to come first.’

  ‘But you can’t! It’s brilliant! And it’s going from strength to strength!’

  I felt guilty. Sam had thrown all his energy into helping me. But I stood firm. I’d made a pact with myself. I had to be happy and busy with Salutech. I couldn’t be mad and unfocused any longer.

  ‘I’m really sorry, Bowes,’ I said gently. ‘I know how much effort you put in. And I’d like to pay you for it –’

  Sam waved me off angrily. ‘I don’t want to be paid. I just want you to keep going. It’s a lovely business. Far nicer than that wank-shit company you work for.’

  ‘I have no choice, Bowes. I’m truly sorry. Night.’

  As I brushed my teeth, I pondered what Sam would have thought if he’d known the truth. Obviously, he’d be upset that his dreams of Shelley Cartwright were shattered and that it was none other than his lanky corporate housemate who’d stolen his heart. But I suspected that for him it would end there. Boys were different: for him it would go along the lines of

  Disappointment

  Have a beer

  Find someone else.

  I wound some dental floss between my fingers, yawning. I should try to do some work but I was half dead.

  Then my reverie was broken by the sound of phones ringing and men yelling.

  ‘OH, MY GOD …’ Sam was standing in the bathroom doorway. He was holding my phone, which was ringing, and he was as white as a sheet. ‘NO!’ he yelled.

  Oh, God! Shelley! I hadn’t got back to her! I grabbed the phone. My heart sank. SHELLEY CARTWRIGHT CALLING. I was sunk
.

  Sam looked as if he were about to pass out. ‘No!’ he repeated, this time in a sort of guttural groan.

  ‘I don’t know who this –’

  ‘DON’T YOU DARE,’ Sam rasped, as if he was dying. ‘IT WAS YOU … I FUCKING … OH, GOD!’

  The phone stopped ringing. We stood staring manically at each other, neither with any idea what to say.

  ‘Make this go away,’ Sam said, in a small voice. I wished desperately that I could.

  The phone started ringing again and Sam sat down on the toilet lid, arms hanging limply by his sides. ‘Fuck,’ he said, as if his world was ending.

  I answered my phone. ‘Um, hello?’ I whispered.

  ‘CHARLOTTE,’ Shelley roared. ‘Are you going to email William for me or not?’

  In my deathly silent bathroom, her yells boomed way beyond the confines of my phone. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sam’s head drop into his hands. ‘Um, yes,’ I muttered. ‘I’ll get on to it as soon as possible. I have to go, Shelley, bye.’ I ended the call and sat down on the side of the bath. I fiddled with my blouse, immobilized. What should I say? What would Sam say?

  After what seemed like eternity, I looked at him. ‘Yes. It was me,’ I said. ‘Sorry,’ I added.

  Nothing.

  I continued: ‘If it helps, I fell for William. Just like you fell for Shelley. That’s why I was in Polpo.’

  Sam’s eyes widened in shock and he opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out.

  I realized that my only option would be to try to see the funny side, and smiled. Poor Sam. I at least had had eighteen hours to process this most uncomfortable of truths. ‘We were emailing each other, Sam. I’m sorry.’

  Sam’s head fell back into his hands.

  ‘Oh, Bowes, please don’t faint on me.’

  A ghost of a smile crossed his face as he looked up. ‘You?’ he said eventually.

  I nodded, smiling ruefully. I was absolutely determined to avoid getting all serious and intense. If we kept it light, there was just a chance we’d survive. ‘ ’Fraid so.’

  Sam’s face clouded over as he finally believed me. ‘No!’ he said, rather shrilly.

  ‘Yes,’ I told him firmly. ‘And I know you’ve been working for Cyber Love Assistants, you little shit. Do you believe me now?’

  After a pause, Sam nodded. ‘Chas. I … This is fucked up, brother.’

  ‘Not as fucked up as you working for Cyber bloody Love Assistants!’

  Sam ignored me. ‘So we were emailing each other from the next room?’

  ‘Yes!’ Then something occurred to me. ‘Sam,’ I asked, more gently. ‘Is this why you and Yvonne …?’

  ‘She found an email I’d sent to Shelley,’ Sam said flatly, looking down at his trendy jeans. ‘Or you, I suppose. Oh, my God, this is such a disappointment, Chas. Why didn’t I check that you weren’t working with her? Anyway … Yvonne found the email and got really upset and I was trying to prove to her that it was a work thing and suddenly I just sort of realized that … that it wasn’t. There were real feelings involved. So I had to let her go.’

  ‘And you didn’t cheat on her?’

  ‘Well, not physically. But mentally, for sure.’ He sighed. ‘It can’t have been right with Yvonne if I fell for someone else but I miss her, Chas.’

  There was a silence, during which Sam began to look very awkward. It was obviously occurring to him that he had fallen for none other than me.

  ‘Um,’ I said, clearing my throat. ‘I think we need to get something out of the way. It doesn’t affect anything.’

  Sam was confused.

  ‘I mean, no feelings between us, right?’

  ‘Of course not,’ he said, as if I were mad. ‘Fucking hell, Chas!’

  I felt a bit hurt. Seeing him slumped on my toilet, looking like a wounded puppy, I knew for certain that I didn’t want Sam but it would have been nice if he hadn’t sounded quite so disgusted. But I made sure nothing registered on my face. There must be absolutely no oddness or confusion between Sam and me. I took a deep breath. ‘So. Cyber Love Assistants! Bowes! How could you!’

  ‘Oh, yeah. Steve Sampson wants to expand into Europe so he’s running some trials. He put an ad in the Stage asking for witty writers and I thought, bugger it.’

  ‘Steve Sampson can fuck off! This is my pitch!’

  Sam grinned for the first time since he’d arrived in the bathroom looking like someone had just bitten his balls off.

  ‘Oh,’ I said. ‘No, it’s not my pitch any more. Damn. He’ll probably take all my customers now. Which is fine,’ I added unconvincingly, trying to be the bigger man.

  Sam seemed annoyed briefly. But was then lost in his thoughts again.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me you were working for him?’ I persisted. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘Just felt embarrassed,’ he said.

  ‘But why?’

  ‘Just cos … cos it’s your thing. I felt like I’d muscled in way too much when you set the company up and that this would be the final straw. Me queering your pitch, y’know.’

  I felt like an exasperated mother. ‘Oh, Bowes, you silly sausage! I was unbelievably grateful for the help you gave me. I couldn’t have done it without you!’

  Sam drummed his fingers on his thighs, and I thought I’d probably have paid a lot of money to find out what he was thinking now. ‘Fucking hell,’ he remarked.

  ‘I have to go to bed, Bowes.’ I needed to get out of there. I needed peace and quiet to pore over it all in my head.

  Sam nodded distractedly. ‘Sure. Night.’

  But then, as I began to haul myself up, his hand shot out and grabbed my wrist. ‘Wait. Chas, is Shelley asking you to email William while she’s in America?’

  ‘Um, actually, yes. How do you know?’

  Sam slapped his leg excitedly. ‘Wicked! Mega! Bo!’

  I sat down again, yawning. I was ruined. ‘Wicked mega bo what?’

  Sam jiggled up and down on the toilet. ‘I had my first direct contact from William today, offering me any amount of money to help him! He said their emails are awful!’

  Not knowing why this was so exciting, and realizing I couldn’t sit up straight a moment longer, I limped off to bed, with Sam in hot pursuit. ‘Think about it, Chas! William and I are now in direct contact! So are you and Shelley! We know what they’re both thinking! We can pool resources! If we worked together on this, we could have that relationship sewn up in a matter of days, brother!’

  I pulled the duvet over myself, still fully clothed. ‘Now that’s an idea,’ I conceded.

  ‘No, Chas. You have to take your clothes off.’ Sam turned around. ‘Strip.’

  ‘Fascist,’ I said, sliding exhaustedly out of my clothes. ‘Keep your back turned.’ I got into bed.

  Sam hopped on to it like a cat. ‘What do you think? Shall we get these two love birds together or what?’

  I yawned again. ‘Oh, why not? It’d be a nice note to end on before I close the company. But I don’t like the idea of you working for Cyber Love Assistants.’

  ‘I’m not. I was only on a month’s contract, which finished last week. But William was so keen on Shelley that he forced Steve Sampson to hand over my phone number. I’m a free agent.’

  I raised a sleepy thumbs-up.

  Sam grinned down at me. ‘There’s one last thing,’ he said suddenly. His expression had changed, which alarmed me.

  ‘Go for it,’ I said cautiously.

  ‘I can’t let you shut First Date Aid down, Chas. It’s too fucking cool to lose.’

  ‘You have to. The decision’s made.’

  ‘Well, I’m unmaking it.’

  My eyes were heavy. I let one close and kept the other one open a crack. Sam certainly looked serious. ‘Sam, I hear you, but I can’t keep it going. I have no time. Look at me. I’m spent.’

  Sam was balling his fists and jiggling on the spot, like he’d been doing since I’d met him aged eighteen. ‘I know! You can’t d
o it alone! So, um, how’s about we become partners? I can run it for now and you can get involved again when you’ve got time. Maybe you could write the odd client email every now and then. But I could do the rest. And we could start offering ghost-writing services to men! They’re far shitter than women at writing messages. What your female clients don’t know, Chas, is that men don’t care what women say in their emails. But women rate email banter higher than everything else. Remember that survey last week? A lot of men out there need help!’

  I lay like a corpse. ‘You want to be my partner? And open it up to men? Is that right?’

  He punched my bed excitedly and, in spite of my crushing exhaustion, I had to laugh. He was such an entertaining child at times. ‘Yes! I could run it, do the admin … It’s not like I’ve got much else to do at the moment. I could help us spread all over the country, chat up PR girls and advertising execs … Think how much coverage I got you in the summer!’

  I thought about it. I really did not want to shut the business down. And if Sam took charge I could concentrate on writing dating emails – perhaps with a limit as to how many women I had on my books at any one time. The emails, after all, were the part I loved best. And I certainly had no problem sharing the small profit I’d begun to make: First Date Aid had never been about money.

  Yet the idea of handing over to anyone – let alone Sam – still worried me.

  ‘Chas,’ he said, interrupting my thoughts. ‘Don’t you remember what I said in William’s emails? I want to do more with my life. I’ve got money left over from that clinical trial I did for your company. I could invest it. And you know I’m good at marketing and flirting. We’d be proper awesome business partners!’ He held out his hand.

  I shook it. ‘OK, Bowes,’ I said slowly. ‘You’re on.’

  He punched the air. ‘Whoo! To us, business partners!’

  I smiled weakly from my pillow. ‘To us, um … business partners!’ I replied.

  Sam suddenly leaned down and kissed my forehead. ‘Go to sleep,’ he said, and all but sprinted out of the room.

  It had been an odd day, all things considered. I rolled over and felt myself fall into a coma. With Sam taking over First Date Aid, I really would be able to throw everything into Salutech and get back to being the Charley Lambert of old. I’d enjoyed getting closer to her today: I’d felt more in control of my life than I had done in the last four months.