My Cowboy Freedom

by Z. A. Maxfield

  “Can’t sleep?” Rock asked.

  How long had he been awake? “No.”

  “You probably caught your second wind.” He shifted onto his side, resting his head on his arm. “Missed the sleep cycle. That happens to me sometimes.”

  “How about you? You feeling okay?”

  “I’m better.” He looked like he was listening to his body. He wriggled a bit, then sighed. “Everything always hurts after. It’s like I ran a marathon.”

  “You don’t remember the seizures?”

  “Nope. I short out. I’m not even home.”

  “So Maisy housesits while you’re gone?”

  “I reckon she does.” In the darkness, I could barely see his face but I heard the grin he wore. “She looks out for me until I can.”

  “It’s good you have someone like that. It’s lucky.”

  “It is.” He sighed. “You have anyone?”

  “Anyone, what?”

  “To look out for you? Is there someone back home? Family? Maybe a friend you made inside?”

  “Sure.” I nodded, but you don’t make friends in prison. You take hostages. You play losers. You form alliances and always, always, you look for a way to get something more for yourself and you don’t give a shit about who it hurts.

  “Tell me.”

  “I’m not sure you’d understand. It’s different. Things are different inside.”

  “Still. Tell me.”

  “Okay.” I sat up, leaning my back against the wall next to the bed. “You know they shift you around from facility to facility all the time, right? I did okay in jail. I guess because I was young and they kept me away from the general population. I took a plea so there wasn’t a trial but you still have to go to court. Then they send you to prison to do your time. Anyway, my first night there, they threw me into the bull pen with all these motherfuckers”—I remembered where I was too late—“’scuse me, a bunch of dudes.”

  “It’s okay to swear in your bunk, Sky. It’s only Elena and the boss who’ll give you a hard time about it.” His soft laughter felt like fingers caressing my skin. Maisy lifted her head. There must have been something rustling in the bushes outside. She listened intently for a while, then put her head back down.

  “Anyway, there was this big scene and some inmates pushed up on me. I thought I was going to get gang-raped. I was so scared. I fought, but these guys were all huge, you know? But then this old dude sails over and blood and sweat and spit are flying everywhere, and I’m thinking, thank God, guy’s probably a dad, and he won’t let anyone hurt me.”

  “So he saved you?”

  “Yeah. Except, after, I found out he set the whole thing up to turn me out.”

  Rock’s eyes widened. “What does that mean?”

  “He got me under his protection, right? And he didn’t have to do a thing. I went with him like a lost sheep and all it cost him was a fake fight. Which he enjoyed.” I shrugged. “So that’s the story, right? I was a mess when I found out. A drag queen named Cherry Malicious told me later that’s how the old dudes play the fish. I didn’t want to believe her, but I confronted ’Nando. He laughed at me.”

  “That sucks.”

  That old wound had never really stopped hurting. “We didn’t speak for a month, even though I still had to be his boy and do whatever he said. So instead of a guy with some luck, I felt like a joke. It took a long time to work that out between us.”

  “But you did?”

  I nodded. “Things are different inside. That’s just the way it is.”

  He moved so his head hung over the side of the bed. “But that’s still awful. Once you find out someone lies you can never trust them again.”

  “You can’t trust anyone anyway. Not really. That’s what you learn real quick if you don’t want to end up as everyone’s dog. All those things we wish we could rely on: truth, justice, the American way? All that’s a crock of shit. Nobody’s balancing the scales and nobody cares.”

  “You lost your faith.” He made the words a sad, quiet statement.

  “If I ever had any, yeah. It’s way gone.”

  “Me too.”

  I stared up at the ceiling. “Sorry.”

  Maisy’s head came up again, and this time, she rumbled a low, ominous growl.

  Light bobbed along outside the side window and then a tap came on the door.

  “Shit.” Rock dropped his legs over the side of the bed with a groan. “That’s Elena, probably. Looking for me.”

  Chapter 18

  Rock

  My shame was complete when Elena knocked on Sky’s door like she was my mom and playtime was over. I stood too fast, which made me dizzy. Sky jumped to his feet so he could steady me before he answered. I liked how he didn’t say a word. How he didn’t look at me like he was figuring out how weak I was. Getting help without an embarrassing fuss felt good for a change.

  “Hello, Elena.” He opened the door wide, welcoming her in. “Welcome.”

  She quirked an eyebrow at him. “It’s probably best if Rock comes home now.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” He turned to me. “Do you need my help with anything?”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “Go on ahead for a minute, Rock.” Elena said. “I’ll be right there.”

  “No.” That small rebellion earned me an unhappy frown from both of them.

  “Fine.” Elena said. “Then I’ll tell you together. The only reason I’m not going to Sterling about this right now, is I didn’t find you both in that bed.”

  “Nina!” God. I couldn’t look at either of them right then. “Are you sorry you didn’t find us fucking? That’d give my parents all the ammunition they need to send me away.”

  Crack. Elena’s hand had flown out before I could move, before I even saw it coming.

  “Whoa. Chill.” Before I knew what was happening, Sky stepped between us. I glanced from him to her, shocked by what I’d said, shocked by what she’d done. I had no idea what to do then.

  “Maybe you ought to leave until you’re calm.” Sky said to Elena.

  My face burned where she’d made contact. It burned on the other side, truth be known, because I’d never, ever talked to her like that before and I was heartily sorry for it. I was just embarrassed, and I took it out on her.

  If I believed I was humiliated before it was nothing like what I was feeling then. I took off, but Maisy and I waited outside Sky’s door. I heard them speaking, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. It was about three minutes before she came out. She passed right by me, heading back without saying a word. I trailed after her.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “I know.” Her feet thudded along the trail. She was wearing one of those velour tracksuits, and she hadn’t been wearing it before. Great. She’d probably gotten ready for bed, noticed I wasn’t there, and then gotten dressed again to come looking.

  “You know, I am twenty-three years old,”

  “I know.”

  “Am I supposed to go through life without any friends?” I asked. “Is that what you want? The cowboys treat me like I’m their stupid kid brother. Sky’s not like that. He’s nice. He doesn’t make me feel like a joke, he—”

  “I know.” She rounded on me. “Do you think I can’t see that? Do you think I don’t know how you feel or that I took on your family, your goddamn father—a man of God with his head so far up his ass he can’t even see that God might have saved you for a purpose—so you would have to live your life without any kind of love or—Jesus Christ, m’hijo. What do I have to do to prove I am on your side?”

  I stared at her, speechless.

  “That boy is fresh out of prison,” she pointed out the obvious. “And I grant you, he seems polite, and the hands say he’s a real hard worker, but he hasn’t even been here for a week and you’re already sneaking of
f with him.”

  At that, I protested, “I was not sneaking.”

  “You didn’t tell me where you were going. You didn’t leave a note.”

  “It was a walk. I wanted to stretch my legs.”

  “You wanted to stretch your legs, all right.” There was no fooling Elena. “You wanted to stretch your legs out on that boy’s bed.”

  “Elena.” Was that a whine? Christ, was I whining now? “You can’t expect me to live like a monk.”

  “I don’t.” She stopped, tilted her face to the sky, and sighed. “There are ways to get what you want, and this is not a good way. You’re playing with your life, and Skyler’s. Did you think about that?”

  “I’m sorry.” I was sorry we were in this mess, at any rate. I took off for the ranch house, Maisy at my side, silent and judgment-free. Elena eventually fell into step with us.

  “You want to stay at the ranch, right?”

  “Of course.” If my only alternative was conversion therapy, sure.

  “And if you’re here, your parents assume I’m going to watch out for you. And while I never exactly nailed down everything they want me to protect you from, recent ex-cons—even seemingly nice ones—are probably on that list somewhere.”

  “So now I can’t even have friends.” If she wasn’t even going to listen to me—

  “Hold it right there, mister. We both know you aren’t auditioning Sky for the role of friend.” She stomped over the path. “Start thinking with your big head.”

  “Excuse me?” I gasped.

  “I don’t need to tell you your parents are watching, do I? And the boss is still angry with Ryder and the doc and this isn’t New York City. If you’re dead set on pursuing Skyler, you’ll have to be smart about it.”

  I slowed... “Smart, how?”

  “Smarter than you’ve been so far.” She finally matched her pace to mine. “First things first, you need some sleep and so do I. I’m going to tell the boss I need Sky’s help tomorrow. We’ll talk more when I can think clearly again.”

  I followed her in silence until I couldn’t stand it anymore. “Nina—”

  “It’s all right, m’hijo.” She slung her arm around my hips, which was about all she could reach and still walk alongside me. “I’ve got this, baby.”

  “Thank you.” I hugged her so tight. “I swear, Sky’s a decent guy. Even if he’s done time. He’s not like you think. He’s not hard.”

  “No?” She lifted a single, mocking brow. “That must have been a little disappointing.”

  “Oh my god, Nina. What kind of maternal figure says something like that?”

  “Baby, you’re the one who said it.”

  “He’s not a hardened criminal.”

  “You should learn to lighten up.” She peered at me through narrowed eyes. “From everything I’ve seen so far, Skyler’s all right. But we only see what he wants us to see and men in prison have a lot of time to practice manipulating people.”

  “I know. He told me.”

  She paused. “He did?”

  “That’s what we were talking about when you came, actually. He was telling me about this dude who played him.”

  “Cons manipulate. They play the system and they play everybody in it. That’s what they learn inside. Believe me, I know firsthand.”

  “Who from?” My fierce love of this woman made killing that person seem perfectly reasonable.

  “We’ll talk sometime about how I know that, just not in the middle of the night when I have hands to feed at dawn.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Oh, baby.” She sighed and hugged me tightly. “I know you’re isolated here. I’m sure your dad would reconsider your Bible Study. Pastor Everett would welcome you to the Friday night group—”

  “Not going to happen.”

  “But at least they’d be your peers. You might make some—”

  “I will not go to the Friday night Single Minglers group. I’m not interested in drinking punch and being sized up for marriage.”

  “You think you’re the only queer dude in town? Think again. Ryder and Declan already proved you wrong. What if one of those other Single Minglers is just waiting for a guy like you.”

  Well, when she put it that way. “If dad says yes. I’ll think about it.”

  “While you’re thinking about it, think about this.” I recognized the tight, cold expression on her face as the one she wore when scheming. “How can anyone object to you taking the new hand to a Christian Single Mingle?”

  “Wait—”

  “He’s new to this area.” She ticked off her arguments on the fingers of her hand. “He doesn’t know anyone. He could certainly use a social life—”

  “Pastor Everett will not be okay with that. Especially if dad’s not on board with me going. Sky being an ex-con and all, we’ll be lucky they let us through the door.”

  “I’ll see to your dad. Pastor will find a way to welcome Sky. Refusing a recent parolee under Sterling’s protection might seem awful unchristian to some folks around here.”

  “But think of the children!” I mocked. “They won’t be safe in their beds, with a gay ex-con like him around.”

  “Yep. Plenty of folks around here will try to pull their support,” she agreed with a frown, thinking. “But if Sky’s seen to have Sterling Chandler’s full confidence, some people will fall all over themselves to welcome him. We’d better see if we can get Sterling or Foz to introduce him around town. Not just Tad. Everyone knows he’s an idiot.”

  “When Mom finds out she will holler up a fucking lung.”

  She smiled sweetly. “Language, m’hijo.”

  I glanced back toward the bunkhouse. “You think Sky’s playing me?”

  “I don’t know what to think,” she admitted. “But you’re a grown man. You’ll have to choose your own friends. I hope you’ll choose wisely, but in the end, it’s in your hands.”

  Nodding, I put my arm around her shoulders. We walked the rest of the way to the ranch house without speaking. That didn’t mean the night was silent. All around us, cicadas rattled, owls hooted, and the katydids made their characteristic goofy–name sound.

  I picked my backpack up off the porch, and then me and Maisy went up the back stairs to my room. I stripped and stepped into a quick hot shower, dried off, and made it to bed in record time. Letting my thoughts return to Sky, I pulled the covers over my shoulders.

  Just thinking about him brought a pleasurable tingling in my cock. It felt weird, and good, but mostly weird to pop a boner that didn’t come from porn. I had a hundred images of Sky stored up in my imagination. I had the memory of his voice, his scent. His kindness.

  My hand slipped below the waistband of my trousers and I gave myself a nice stroke.

  Skyler offered me his mouth or his ass. Just like that.

  Like it was something you say: Have you eaten? or Can I top off your coffee?

  He’d offered, and now I couldn’t drag my thoughts away.

  His lips were surprisingly soft. His touch was gentle. I wrapped my hand around my aching dick and gave a slow tug, imagining Sky’s work-roughened hands on me. His weight pressing me into the mattress. I could almost feel his hot breath against my neck and I wanted to turn my head and offer him my throat.

  I pumped, finding my rhythm, picturing Sky’s lean body, his dark gaze, his tattoos.

  He was a fever inside me, burning me up, blurring the line between fantasy and reality. I imagined his body on top of mine, pushing my hips into the mattress. I wanted him inside me. Wrapped all around me. I wanted Sky’s mouth and his hands and his ass, but even more, I wanted to sit with him, talk to him, make him smile.

  I wanted to see the genuine Sky, the unsullied, unspoiled, unbroken spirit I’d glimpsed when his angry, desperate façade cracked.

  I rocked my hips, cock shoving
into my fist, palm slick with anticipation. All that lust, fueled with my not-so-secret desire for Sky, drove my hand, and soon I was riding wave after wave, letting go, leaving the uncertainty and doubt behind. Falling into a world of pure, primal satisfaction.

  Despite the buildup, when I finally came, it was kinda uninspiring.

  Like pulling the cap off an overheated radiator after all the coolant has leaked out—no pressure. No real pop. Getting off wasn’t a great big zoom for me anymore. And I was starting to worry whether it would ever be all that exciting again.

  Before the lightning, I’d messed around some. Okay, lots. Mostly with guys, but occasionally we’d pick up a girl for a three-way.

  The girls were a lie I didn’t need to tell, even back then.

  I thought the worst thing that could happen would be my parents finding out I wasn’t the good little boy they thought I was. I worried I’d wreck my truck and get my ass grounded. Or maybe they’d catch me with a dude or I’d wind up in jail for doing something stupid, like running naked through Millennium Park.

  Instead, I spent my time with my cock in my hand, with Grindr, in chat rooms, fapping with online users like Hung78 and Bitchpuhleeze.

  I liked it rough. I liked pushing a strong man and feeling him push back.

  I liked beard burns, muscle aches, and fingerprint bruises on my hips. I should be ashamed but each mark is a reminder that—for a while at least—I shared something with a man and not a fantasy or a faceless stranger in a chatroom.

  I’d had plenty of chances when I was young, but now . . .

  Now I wanted to melt into a tangle of real live arms and legs with Sky and maybe, even if I could, it wouldn’t be awesome anymore because it can’t be awesome, I can’t be awesome, now that I’m the lightning struck wonder.

  Once upon a time there lived a spoiled prince who only cared about fucking and football and beer.

  My life was a fairy tale.

  And we all know how dark those can be.