My Cowboy Freedom

by Z. A. Maxfield

  Sure enough, as soon as we pulled up at the ranch house, Chandler stepped onto the porch.

  Sky turned to me, eyes narrow, expression worried.

  “You should probably head out to the horse barn,” I told him. “Boss is going to give me a ration. It’s nothing.”

  “I could stay.”

  My chest tightened. He was so decent. “It’s okay.’

  He nodded, then headed toward the barn. I’d have liked to kiss him. He must have seen my desire, because as he walked away, he turned back, gave me a little smirk, and then took off again.

  This thing I felt was so new, so exciting, it made me edgy and short of breath and self-conscious. I was convinced the boss would be able read my thoughts—hell, maybe he’d smell it on me.

  I followed him into his office. He sat behind his desk giving me no choice but to take the seat across from him. I was willing to testify under oath: My chair legs were sawed down so I’d have to look up at him.

  He kept me waiting while he neatened a stack of file folders. Then he looked up. Shot me a distracted smile. I’d played some poker with the boss. Him and the hands had a regular weekly thing during winter. If one of them was busy, the boss sometimes let me join in. They would give me chips to play with because I hate losing money.

  Boss was hard—but not impossible—to read.

  “We need to find you a new physician. I’ve contacted your parents. We had a very productive discussion about things, and they agree.”

  Okay, wow. Ante up, cowboy.

  “I mean no disrespect, sir, but my parents don’t get to choose my doctor for me.”

  “I understand. A man likes to make his own decisions.” . . . And he checks.

  “And Elena can’t be expected to take me into Austin for every little needle stick and test.”

  “No, that’s right.” He checks again.

  What did he have? He had something. He was too confident. Time for a feeler on my part. “Dr. Winters is close. He’s perfectly capable of—”

  “You won’t be going back to Dr. Winters.” He calls and raises. A lot. Didn’t matter. This wasn’t poker. Was he really ready to go all in? To ruin my life? He had to know what sending me back to my parents meant. Living with them. Being part of the Pathways machine. Or maybe a group home and a boring job. Possibly conversion therapy. Was the boss’s anger at his daughter blinding him to the consequences of using me to destroy the doc’s business?

  “I don’t see how you can stop me.” All in. Everything. Take everything.

  I am ready to go all in.

  He raised his arms in a languid stretch, and folded his hands behind his neck.

  Oh Christ. Oh Christ. He stacked the deck somehow.

  There’s no way he can lose and he knows it.

  He’s proud of it.

  Pride kept me from reacting.

  “It’s a tough economy. That’s hard on everyone.” He’s making idle conversation? This cannot be good. “Especially for a guy just getting started after getting out of prison.”

  “What does—”

  “Elena told me you’re both real fond of Skyler. She had a lot of nice things to say about him.”

  “He’s a nice guy.” Wooden . . . The words came out wooden because I was nothing more than a marionette.

  “I know that. I’ve enjoyed having him here. He’s a hard worker. Polite. Seems thoughtful. He has a good seat and good hands. I think a man like Skyler could go far around here.”

  “I’m sure he could.” The lunch I’d eaten at Earl’s churned in my gut.

  “I liked his dad. I like to think he can look up to me as a substitute. I went to his arraignment. Did you know that? He took a plea.”

  “He told me.”

  “His mother hasn’t spoken to him since the night it happened.”

  I swallowed my bitterness.

  “In fact, you could say I’m all he has right now.”

  “I understand.”

  “Do you?” Sterling stood. “Say Skyler takes a job in Austin. Where’s he going to live? How’s he going to get around? There’s a ton of people and things that can get him into trouble in Austin. His temper’s a little hot. And he’s been inside since he was a kid. You think he’s ready for that?”

  My mouth went dry. “Please.”

  “Then let’s go over the rules again, all right?” He singsonged the words—as if he saw me the same way Lefty did. “While you’re here, you’ll work. You’ll attend worship, and you’ll have a certain amount of freedom. If you engage in any behavior I deem harmful to your health or emotional well-being, I will put a stop to it. And if I can’t, I’ll call in your family. And unfortunately, they will come and get you. If that happens you will lose any freedom you have.”

  I glared at him.

  He sighed, long and loud.

  “I’m on your side.” He went to the liquor cabinet. “Whiskey?”

  “No.” Hard to say through clenched teeth.

  He rubbed his temple again before he poured himself a drink. “Christ, when is this headache going to let up?”

  I didn’t know what to do with my hands so I clenched the arms of the chair.

  “I only want what’s best for you.” He took a sip of whiskey and bared his teeth. “I want you to get past all this and come out healthy and happy with your family on the other side. That’s why you’re here. It’s not to escape your family.”

  I found it irresistible to look out the window. Did my life at the Rocking C hang in the balance? Or did Sky’s?

  Was the plan to pit us against each other? Or—

  “Sky really needs his job,” I said.

  “I’m aware of that.”

  Through clenched teeth, I asked, “What’s that going to cost me?”

  “Nothing, hardly anything at all. You go to the specialists your parents picked out in Austin, and you keep things with Skyler professional.”

  “And what? He keeps his job?”

  “I’ll give him a raise.” He grinned, like that was a joke. Of course he could be bountiful too. He could afford it.

  “Okay. Only if he drives me to my appointments.” We could be alone for hours. And what the boss didn’t know—

  “No.”

  “Why not?” My knuckles paled against the dark fabric.

  “The deal is predicated on you avoiding Skyler from now on.”

  “But—”

  “That’s it. Take it or leave it.” Ah. There he goes. All in.

  I’d never had a hand and we both knew it.

  I needed time to think. My upper lip still tingled from Sky’s kiss.

  “I promised I’d take him to the Christian Single Mingles. I’m his only friend right now. It will be easier to cut him off if he has other friends to turn to.” It hurt to say those words.

  Boss nodded. “I’ll tell the hands to start a regular poker game again.”

  “Instead of church? Or—”

  “He can go to the singles thing. And Sunday services if he wants. Elena or I will take you.”

  Genuine horror must have shown on my face because he laughed.

  “We’ll wait for you outside, like always.”

  “You guys have way more important things to do than that.”

  “What’s more important than standing up for what’s right?”

  Calling out who’s wrong?

  Pointless, pointless to say it.

  “Skyler needs to get an ID or a driver’s license within thirty days of his release. If he has a driver’s license, he can take me to Bible study and church on Sundays, can’t he? Elena has better things to do.”

  “We’ll discuss that, after I’ve seen some concessions on your part.”

  I shook my head. Bit my tongue to keep from saying Andi’s behavior made a hell of a lot mo
re sense to me now.

  “You can go.”

  Dissed and dismissed. I headed for my room to change for work in the dirt. I didn’t see Elena. Maybe she’d gone to her room. She didn’t answer my knock so I shut myself inside my bedroom. Rested my forehead against the old wooden door.

  The room was tiny.

  Actively getting smaller.

  Shit, shit, shit.

  If I did what they said, I was safe and Sky was safe, but we could never be together. If I defied them, they would send me back home. Then I’d no longer be safe and Sky might lose his job. Possibly his freedom . . .

  The mirror over my dresser was crazed, but the word could have described me too.

  I have this memory of lying in a field in absolute silence, even though the sky is roiling and black with clouds. Rain poured down. People worked frantically on something . . .

  Wait—

  I’m the twisted hunk of junk Sky said can become a diamond.

  Some folks screamed. I tried to get up, but couldn’t. I writhed and tried, again and again, but hands keep pushing me back down.

  Stop . . .

  Wrenching, burning pain. The skin on my shoulder was on fire.

  With a last exhalation I sank so deep inside myself I went somewhere else . . .

  Cried for help.

  I couldn’t hear my own voice. Inside my head, a woman said, “Patience . . .”

  I didn’t understand. Patience? What does that mean?

  Patience . . .

  I emptied my pockets out onto my nightstand: change, the receipt from lunch, a candy wrapper from the doctor.

  Scratching rattled the door.

  I opened it and Maisy stormed in. I’d never known a dog to nag before Maisy. She circled my legs, giving me the canine equivalent of a talking to. I stripped and redressed quickly because I knew the sooner I could get to work, the sooner I’d have something to take my mind off my anger.

  I spent the rest of the day doing every filthy chore I could think of. Washing out water troughs. Cleaning out animal pens. Raking over the compost pile. I stayed busy. But when I caught sight of Sky riding out with the rest of the hands, the truth just gut-punched me.

  Chandler had probably talked to Sky too.

  Of course he did. Why not reinforce how much we both have to lose?

  At the ranch house, I asked Elena what was going on with the hands.

  “Some of the cattle probably got loose. I don’t know. Boss rode out with them. Maybe somebody reported a downed fence?”

  “When do you suppose they’ll be back?”

  “Boss told me not to expect them until late. They took supplies and bedrolls, I guess.”

  What’re you up to, Boss?

  “It’s just you and me tonight.” She smiled. “What do you want?”

  “Omelet?”

  “That’s it?” I’d wounded her.

  “I’m not very hungry. I ate a lot earlier.”

  She watched me like a too-full glass. As if I’d spill any minute and make a mess. “If you’re sure. I’ll see you when you come in.”

  I hid in the loft. It was quiet up there and nobody bothered me.

  I even spent some time looking in the direction I’d seen Sky and them ride out. After sunset, it became impossible to see anything so I went inside. Had supper. And went to bed.

  I thought maybe it was a good day to write a song, but I didn’t have the words for how happily I’d thrown myself into the beginning of the day, or how far I’d fallen at the end.

  I only hoped Sky wasn’t as worried about me as I was about him.

  Chapter 23

  Sky

  Boss had something on his mind when we rode out and it concerned me. He didn’t say anything, but he watched me closely. At the same time, he avoided my eyes.

  Something was up.

  That’s why it didn’t surprise me when he told everyone we should probably split into groups of two and three to check the area for signs of predators. He called me to his side and I followed, the sweat beading on my skin cooling me a little too well.

  He spoke quietly. “I’m sorry you had to witness that scene this morning.”

  “Not really my business.”

  “I don’t hold it against you, you know.” His horse made its way slowly over the rock-strewn path.

  “What?” I passed the reins from hand to hand to wipe my palms on my jeans.

  “Taking Rock’s part like you did. Having watched him grow up, the other hands still see him as a kid, I guess. I’m glad you’re his friend.”

  I nodded. If the boss was fishing, he wasn’t going to get shit from me.

  “Up here.” He took the trail that led to higher ground. “I want to show you something.”

  “All right.” He took a trail he must have known was almost straight up. I leaned over Ogre’s neck, praying the boss knew his horses well enough, knew they were up to this.

  Heart pounding hard, I gasped when we finally reached the top. “Wow.”

  From there you could see . . . everything.

  “You like Rock and Maisy pretty well, don’t you?” When I didn’t answer, he frowned at me. “I guess I figured because you like them, you’d be willing to talk about them. I thought maybe you could help me out with Rock when—”

  “I do like them,” I hedged.

  “Well, then you should hear me out. Rock won’t tell you this, but things aren’t always easy for him. He doesn’t understand, for example, why his folks want him to live a quiet, stress-free life here—”

  “If you think Rock doesn’t understand everything that’s going on around him—”

  “Of course he understands.” Chandler gave a careless wave. “Rock’s problem isn’t that he’s unintelligent. Far from it. But he is afflicted. And it’s our job to help him manage his medical condition so he can live a full and healthy life.”

  I didn’t like the word afflicted referring to my friends any better than I liked the word Lefty Wheeler used. Neither one of those things applied to the man I’d come to know.

  “How do you mean ‘afflicted’?” ’Cause if the boss saw Rock as a disabled man, I didn’t know what able-bodied meant.

  “Take Rock’s seizure disorder, for example. The doctors gave us a list of side-effects reported by lightning-strike survivors. Surviving a strike isn’t as rare as you’d think, but nobody will predict any kind of long-term outcome. He has some brain damage outside of the seizure disorder. It affects his ability to do math. Things like that. Of course that could be from football. The concussion thing.”

  “So?”

  “He’s got special needs.” He seated his hat more securely when the breeze caught it. “And he’s prideful. It’s hard on his ego.”

  Ogre stamped, whipping his tail to rid himself of a particularly bothersome fly.

  “Having Maisy is a blessing and a curse,” I said. “Rock wants to be invisible when he’s uncomfortable, but everyone’s drawn to the dog.”

  Boss’s head came around. That time, when our eyes met, he didn’t blink. “You’re sharper than I expected.”

  I waited for him to tell me why we were really there.

  “I could give a speech about civil rights and freedom of religion, but I won’t bore you. You probably know more about the law than I do. At least, you’ve had some experience with the justice system.”

  “More than I cared to.”

  “When you were only a kid yourself, you put your stepdad down like the animal he was—”

  “We fought.” Luna and I only ever told one story. Had Chandler somehow figured out what had really happened? Shit. Shit. Shit. He’d probably pieced it together from the many lies my mother comforted herself with. “He died.”

  “He’s dead because he preyed on your sister. He’s dead because he needed kill
ing. What’s right doesn’t always coexist comfortably with the law.”

  I waited for the boss to make his goddamn point.

  “And sometimes the reverse is true. Just because a thing is legal doesn’t make it right.”

  I saw where things were heading but it was too late to stop him. “What’s this got to do with Rock?”

  “You didn’t know Rock back when he was a kid but he sure was something.” He took off his hat to wipe sweat from his forehead with his sleeve. “People packed in to see those boys. We watched them grow up on cable TV, Sunday after Sunday.”

  “I never saw it.”

  “They were so goddamn talented.” He jammed his hat back on and nudged his horse into a walk. We took a path down the other side of the little knoll to a flat spot where Robbie had gathered an armful of wood. Jason was building a fire.

  “Are we camping?”

  Boss smiled widely. “I thought we ought to celebrate your freedom. Welcome you to the Rocking C properly. There’s nothing better than a little aged whiskey and some tall tales under the stars.”

  My chest tightened. “You know I can’t drink, sir. I’m on parole.”

  “Yeah, well. I thought of that. We brought Coke. If you don’t want to take a chance—”

  “I don’t.”

  “Okay. Smart.” He nodded and led his horse to the site the hands were preparing. Foz, Tad, and Julio had dismounted. They were laying their saddles on the ground in a circle. “I told Elena you’re no fool. I’m sure you can see how it would be wrong to lead Rock on, under the circumstances.”

  I stiffened so hard Ogre thought I’d meant whoa. “Come again?”

  “Oh, don’t play dumb with me now. I’m being respectful here. You owe me the same courtesy.”

  My belly churned. “Yessir.”

  “Folks around here got the idea somehow I hate homosexuals.” He spread his hands. “Nothing could be farther from the truth. I have no fight with the hands who quit or even Declan Winters, for that matter. But I have plenty to say about lying and infidelity and living in sin. It’s those things I don’t condone. You hate the sin, not the sinner. I wish Andi could see that.” He paused to let me speak. I didn’t. “You got anything to say right now? Before I have to make any more phone calls to Rock’s parents?”