FEAST OF MEN

by Ayn Dillard

  She states, “After you finish the book with Tanner, write this story. It’s the most romantic story that I’ve ever heard and one for all us eternal romantics.”

  I reflect, I’m not sure I like this woman, but do feel sorry for her and am glad when the dinner is over. Our commonality is Tanner and she’s shared information that I need to know.

  End of January, I do a fashion trunk show with some of my girlfriends—a much needed break from writing and my self-imposed isolation. Chatting about things superficial—clothes—shoes—plastic surgery and so on—is a fun and needed break from my emotional search for what’s real or true and my missing Boyd. The place of the show is Rosemary’s house in the Park Cities which is probably only a couple of streets over from Boyd’s. She’s married to a wealthy prominent businessman and is the typical blond, surgically-altered Dallas socialite, but she’s nice and has a good heart. The week of the show, I think about Boyd constantly and can even feel him close. I am tempted to go by his house, but don’t—because how stupid would that be?

  It’s fun talking to my girlfriends as I make the show appointments. Except a terrible snow and ice storm arrives the week of the show, so most cancel.

  To be nice and out of curiosity, I include Jan Tanner. She comes bringing several of her friends. She and I chat while they try on clothes. I don’t enjoy Jan’s company. She’s whiny, showy and refers to herself as Mrs. Jim Tanner, instead of Jan. After talking with Sondra, now I understand more about her. She must totally define herself by her marriage. I take it as an opportunity to check things out a bit more and to gather information about Tanner. She appears stunned when I mention the book that I’m doing with her husband, as if she’s a deer caught in headlights. Unsuccessful at controlling the red flush taking over her face, she squeaks. “I didn’t know you could even write and had no idea you were writing a book with my husband?” She puts strong emphasis on ‘my husband’.

  I offer, “That’s strange because I’ve been working with him since July. It’s going to be an informative book for women about investing.” As I think, how bizarre that he didn’t even tell his wife that he’s writing a book with me. I can tell by the look on her face that she thinks something funny is going on and feels embarrassed. God, I don’t want to be associated with these people because the feelings I get when I am around them remind me of my family. These people are pure fake-out facades. What am I going to do about the book contract?

  Jan states, “Well yes, he did have that book of his come out last October.”

  I add, “The book we’re doing together will be an extension of that one.”

  She squeaks out, “Um, I see” then in a flip, she changes the subject. “I really don’t need clothes right now because I spent thousands of dollars on them in Europe on our trip just recently. I don’t even know why I bothered coming to this thing.”

  She’s obviously trying to put me down. I find her to be an unattractive woman in many ways. She’s too thin, freckles all over her face and body with stringy, reddish hair then her squeaky and grating voice. Still, I do feel sorry for her because I knew her before her husband. So to be kind, I continue talking with her and her friends to make sure she understands that I’m really writing a book and have no interest in her dough-boy terribly unattractive husband. I don’t want her to feel embarrassed in front of her friends. Actually, I realize that Jan and Tanner are well-suited for one another other and both a bit creepy, but it’s still disgusting that he cheats on her. No woman deserves that degradation. I feel nauseated because I’m going to need to talk to Tanner about all this when we have our next meeting.

  Per our usual ritual, Maggie and I meet for lunch during the week of the show to catch up on news then she comes by to shop. We like the clothes, but most of the women wear much more jewelry and dress flashier and gaudier than we do. Maggie talks non-stop about her children, stepchildren and rarely if ever about herself. Unless, it’s to talk about how much she loves Brian and how amazing he is. I admire the way she manages and cares for all of them, but it gets boring hearing her prattle on about it all ad nauseum and in such depth. She’s step-mom personified, while being very attractive. She’s petite with beautiful blue eyes and long natural looking blond hair. Listening to Maggie makes me even more glad that I don’t have any children and makes me wonder if I could ever go through the stepchild/ex-wife ordeal again—even with Boyd. It’s so much work with little compensation and the ex-wife holds all the cards. It’s one hell of a job to assist in rearing another woman’s children and Maggie seems obsessed with it all. As if she’s forgotten herself in order to be Brian’s wife and the mother of so many. She tries hard to create the image of the perfectly blended family and that she and Brian are such dedicated soulmates and so deeply and madly in love.

  I state, “Maggie, you’re such an overly dedicated stepmom.”

  “I try to be, but Natalie what you did for your stepdaughter was way beyond the call of duty.”

  “Not really, I had to make sure she was okay after sensing the way Paul was using her. If I hadn’t done what I did and something more obvious or physical had happened, I could never forgive myself.”

  She replies, “Well yes, but it cost you so much in emotions and money, while you received nothing in return but grief.”

  “My thanks came from knowing I helped protect her in whatever way I could. Her grandmother appreciated it, and perhaps, God noticed. My parents thought I was a fool to do anything for Victoria and were angry that I did. They told me, I should’ve walked away sooner, saved my money, myself and forgotten about that child. But I had to protect Victoria for her and for myself. Her father was weighing her down and destroying her innocence by putting all his emotions on her. When he punished her it was hideous. He would make her sit on her knees in the middle of her room for hours without food. When we first married, I quickly put a stop to his abuse. Neither of her parents could handle their own issues and placed them onto her. Much like my parents did and do, so helping her was like helping myself in some way. Emotional abuse is just as detrimental as physical. Actually, it can be more insidious because there are no physical signs.”

  Maggie adds, “So true, but still not many people would’ve done what you did. The court deal in itself was a nightmare.”

  I continue, “Testifying in that trial was awful. Thank goodness that particular judge and the jury were intelligent enough to see the significance and truth of what Paul was doing. I hope that I never have to go to court again.”

  Maggie continues, “Your parents, Natalie are a different breed of human beings. Do they have any idea what you went through and what you’re going though still?”

  I laugh nervously, “No, not really. They never call me. I don’t think they care. They don’t want to hear about anything real or anything that’s not about money or drinking. Let’s not go there today, okay? I just can’t deal with thinking about my family right now. I’m concerned about doing this book collaboration with Tanner.”

  She asks, “I thought you were having fun with it?”

  “I was until he began making sexual advances and then I found out he’s doing the same thing to a woman in his office.”

  Maggie adds, “Really, damn, but you know what? I recall hearing from some of Brian’s financier friends at a party a few weeks ago something about a guy in Plano with a name that sounded like Tanner’s. They were laughing that he’s married, but wild as hell, hangs out with hookers, even street walkers on Harry Hines and is into drugs and big time.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I just heard this recently like I said at a party—wasn’t sure it was the same guy, until you just said what you did. This guy has written some book about his father, a war hero or something like that. The people were laughing about how this investor guy boasts about his war hero father continually. When the book about him shows more that he was a low-class immoral trashy guy that changed sides in the war like you’d flip a coin. Not a hero at all. He raped women
, had affairs then went back and forth with his loyalties in the war to suit what he believed at the time or to promote himself. Nothing to be proud of or brag about. Apparently, this Tanner guy handles some big accounts, like Perot and Hunt families, but he’s not personally respected. I was going to mention it to you, but most our conversations have been about Boyd.”

  I reply, “Well, I’m way suspicious about this guy and wouldn’t still be doing this project if I hadn’t signed a legal agreement and need the money. He’s sexually harassing me.”

  Maggie responds, “God, you’re kidding.”

  “Nope, if I didn’t need the income, I wouldn’t be around the leech. Figure, if I can get the book done quickly and sell my house, then I’ll be okay. Tanner told me he has a publisher for it already.”

  She inquires, “How’s all that going with your house?”

  “Well, after paying an attorney two thousand dollars, he still isn’t able to get Paul to sign it over to me. Since Paul moved to Minnesota or where ever he is, it’s difficult to get him to do much. So, they just keep exchanging letters that cost me money. I’m sure Paul’s enjoying running up legal bills. My attorney told me he’s never seen a man so obsessed as to hold onto a woman the way he’s doing with me.”

  “Paul’s a weird one.”

  “So, I came up with a brilliant idea. I told the attorney to tell Paul that I’m getting married and need to sell the house immediately. I know Paul’s a wimp, so if he thinks another man is involved, he’ll feel intimidated. The lawyer thought it was a great idea and mailed the letter last week.”

  “Good move.”

  I state, “Amazing that even though you pay an attorney thousands of dollars, you still have to stay on top of them. I have the gut feeling Paul will sign the house over to me after he hears this news.”

  As I talk, I feel sick inside and as if I’m going to throw-up, realizing what we’re talking about—especially what she just told me about Tanner. The man Maggie spoke of must be him because it sounds too coincidental not to be. Changing the subject to Boyd is a relief and being able to discuss him with her helps me to feel better and more connected to him.

  I inquire, “Maggie, why do you think Boyd and I even met and the magical way that we did? I mean, what if I never see him again.”

  Maggie answers, “Probably, for you to write the story. It might be just another one of your incredible life experiences. Except, if he doesn’t return, if you never see him again, it’ll take away a piece of the magic from all of us because of the way you two met. The way you two felt about each other and all the things he said to you—the way you felt about each other was magic and a true love story just like Brian and me.”

  I reply, “It’s strange to miss a man so much that I knew for one week. The emotional intimacy happened so quickly. I’ve never had anything quite like this happen before.”

  “The way you two met was magical. It must’ve been destiny—plus the things he said. A grown man with children just doesn’t say things like that, unless he means them. Surely, they don’t. That’s why if he doesn’t return what a disappointment in humanity.”

  “Yes, he began it all then pushed it along so quickly.”

  Maggie states, “Just like Brian and me, we knew the minute we laid eyes on each other. Only, we didn’t play it smart like you’re doing. Once, you’re back together, you’ll be so glad that you chose to do it the intelligent way.”

  “Yes, but I wish we’d decided to meet for lunch once a month or talk on the phone occasionally. Except it’d have made it more difficult, wouldn’t it? We’d have wanted to see each other. Then it could’ve become a mess just like we’re trying to avoid. But I’d just like to hear his voice.”

  She exclaims, “I don’t know how you’re doing it!”

  I reply, “I don’t either. I hope he’s getting his divorce and things are going well for him. But I guess there’s the distinct possibility that I’ll never see him again which is difficult to think about, but really could happen. A couple of things he said that last day we were together made me wonder if he’s really going to get out of his marriage. Except it makes me happy just thinking about the way I feel about him and our week together. When we held hands on the plane, it was magic—Maggie—real magic!”

  “When you talk about him, your entire face lights up—your glow factor goes way up—you really do love him—don’t you?”

  I answer, “Yes, as much as I can love a man, I knew for only a week. Although, it feels as if I’ve known him forever or even longer.”

  “Just like it was for Brian and me, I believe in love at first sight.”

  I chuckle, “For Boyd, it was love at first sight. It took me twenty-four hours.”

  She laughs, “Yeah, that day you sounded so happy and excited on the phone. You were like a couple of kids.”

  I continue, “Only for all I know, he could’ve decided to stay with his wife. I haven’t seen him for almost three months, so it’s best to go on with my life. If we’re meant to be together, we will be. Except other men hold no attraction for me. They didn’t much before and now they really don’t.”

  Maggie states, “Well I believe he’ll be back and you two will end up together. He was going to divorce his wife long before he met you, remember? You just met a little too soon. So, you have to be apart for a while, but three more months will be gone in no time. Just write and do your work because when he returns—it’ll be difficult for you to concentrate at all.”

  I respond, “I am and have begun writing our story. I’m calling it ‘Seize the Moment’. It’s what Boyd said on the plane. It’s wild because I opened a book and turned to a quote when asking about our day together and it said the same thing. Seize the moment, live in every moment, in the present because it’s really all there is.”

  Maggie adds, “The damn airport even closed down for you to be together longer. It was destiny”

  “Certainly, appears that way. Wonder if he thinks about me often?”

  Maggie responds, “Natalie you know he does. You’ll have lots to talk about when he returns.”

  I reply, “Yes, won’t it be fun?”

  “I can’t wait!” Maggie exclaims.

  I state, “You can’t? What about me?”

  As usual, Brian interrupts our conversation, calling on her cellphone several times during lunch. Seems, he can’t leave her alone for long. I don’t know how she can stand it, but she appears to like the continual contact and dealing with all his children.

  The remainder of January passes slowly. I see clients, do a bit of voiceover work and write. With my house on the market, people are traipsing through it. Depressing, but it needs to sell. I see the movie, ‘In Love and War’, about Hemingway’s life and it breaks my heart. All love stories seem to be the same and these days, they rip my guts out. All lovers speak the same language and the words are those of Boyd. Perhaps, we’ve seen too many love stories as our romantic side mirrors each other.

  The last weekend in January, every time I turn on the TV the movie, ‘Love Affair’ is on. After aerobics ‘Love Affair’ is on. I flip around channels after watching something else and ‘Love Affair’ is on. It’s as if I’m being haunted by this movie. Sometimes, I watch it for a while, allowing myself to wallow in feelings. Other times, I walk out of the room or change the channel. One evening, it over takes me and I watch the whole movie in bed before falling asleep and I really get back into the memories of Boyd. So, for the rest of my life, will I think of Boyd when I see this movie?

  It’s become the ‘Natalie and Boyd’ movie instead of Warren Beatty and Annette Bening. It’s the romantic gear up for Valentine’s Day and it’s all making me crazy. Then the older version comes on with Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant. Then ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ is shown. The movies, ‘Bridges of Madison County’, ‘A Walk In The Clouds’ and ‘Only You’ are on TV also. ‘Legends of the Fall’ is the best for tortured and unrequited love, besides just being a great movie all around. These movies carr
y my emotions back to Boyd and our week of immediate and intense attraction, connection and love. So, when I’m not writing this cold and dreary February, I’m watching TV. Then the movie, ‘French Kiss’ comes on. I recall Boyd stating that he’s like the guy in this movie. So, I watch it closely. Um, so the guy has sexual problems. Damn, that’s it! Is that the real truth about Boyd? So, he does he try to find women to attract to, in order to ‘cure’ him?

  It’s just too much for me with these love stories constantly on and my wallowing in them. Only ‘Love Affair’ catches me one more time and I break down and cry. I’m becoming tired of feeling like a sad love story. Feeling so much for Boyd, it was one of the most special weeks of my life, but I’ve got a life to live and want to meet a man who’s available for me now. For all I know, Boyd may have decided to stay with his wife. I am tired of waiting for a man to be ready for me and I’m tired of feeling sad. Boyd may very well turn out to be just one more unavailable man. Even if Boyd does return, he has so many responsibilities. I’ll probably always be second to something else in his life. He even stated this on the last day, we were together. Do I really know enough about him to put my life on hold? Things he said that last day make me wonder. He wasn’t all that sure about returning to me. Geez, he might even have sexual problems and I don’t want to deal with that again. Even if he does come back, he’ll be newly divorced, so who knows what he’ll really feel like or want to do? He may not want to get into a serious relationship, but why’d we meet and why such an incredible connection? Perhaps, it was only to experience that incredible romance for that one week. Lord knows it certainly was incredibly intense, but I wonder can this once in a lifetime feeling happen again? Who knows, unless I give it a try?

  This time, I’m ordering exactly what I want. Laughing out loud, I got almost perfect with Boyd, except for the married part, all the children and the possible sexual issue. I choke in laughter at the irony of it all.