FEAST OF MEN

by Ayn Dillard

“Do you really mean what you’re saying? Have you been to too many strip clubs or what?”

  “No not strip clubs, but yeah, I could have any woman I want—a flavor of the month club.”

  “Sounds awfully shallow, Art. Is that what I am to you?”

  “Hell, no! You’re a quality woman. That’s what’s unsettling.”

  “What do you mean by that? Were you looking for a woman with no quality?” I don’t understand how the conversation took this course, but I am feeling very angry. After all, he was the one who ran an ad looking for a relationship stating he was tired of playing games. He was the one who came to see me. Now he’s retreating just like he stated, he hates when he hears about men doing this to women. He’s doing everything he says he doesn’t want and hates. Was he only projecting when he said all that?

  “No, I was... looking for you, but...”

  “But what, Art?”

  “Natalie, sweetieee, my secretary just buzzed in and I need to go into a meeting now. I’ll call you this evening, honeee.”

  Off the phone, I’m livid beyond belief. I’m going to find out where this relationship’s going or am going to drop it. I am tired of his mixed signals, but do feel a connection to him. If I hadn’t made love to him, would I still feel this way? He gets close to me then he retreats. I know he cares, perhaps he’s just scared.

  I’ll find out more this evening when he calls, then I’ll be able to nail him. If he really feels the way he talked about this afternoon then it’s over. It gets later and later. I chat with friends, watch TV and write. Finally, frustrated I call Art.

  “Natalie, honeee!” warm and excited. “Let me call you in just a minute, sweetieee. Am talking business, call you in a minute, honeee.”

  Twenty minutes later he calls, “Natalie, what a day I’ve had. All hell’s breaking loose. How are you, honeee?”

  Sarcastically, “Busy, huh?”

  “Real busy, but how are you, honeee?”

  “Angry, real angry about our conversation this morning and upset about what you said. Am I nothing to you? Just what am I to you, anyway?”

  “Natalie honeee, I can’t believe you’ve been obsessing about this all day.”

  I ask, “What do you expect me to feel after what you said today? Why’d you even say it? If you don’t want a relationship just tell me.”

  “Damn, I was just talking!”

  As I think—oh, so now he’s in a totally different frame of mind tonight, then he was this morning. “Why would you say things like that to me? ‘Just want women and fast cars.’ “Give me a break, Art. How old are you sixteen?”

  “I don’t know. It was nothing. I was just talking.”

  “Are you sleeping with anyone else? I can’t believe you’d be needing to sleep with anyone else after us being together the way we are.”

  “Natalie, honeee, no, I’m not sleeping with anyone else and I can’t believe that you’d take what I said in this way. I can’t believe you’d even ask me this.”

  “How else would I take it?”

  “I’m just not ready for a relationship or commitment and am sure not ready to get married again.”

  “Who ever said anything about marriage? Perhaps, we should take sex out of our relationship because I sure don’t know you well enough for a commitment. I slept with you way too soon and I am not even sure why? Except, I don’t want you having sex with anyone else if we are having sex. I was looking forward to getting to know you more and better.”

  “I don’t. I won’t sleep with anyone else. I’m just not ready for a committed relationship. If you want to take sex out of the relationship for now, that’s okay with me because the most important thing is our friendship, I don’t ever want to lose your friendship because you’re very important to me. So, if that’s what you want, that’s what we’ll do.”

  I state, “Things are getting weird between us.”

  He continues, “I don’t want things to get weird between us and if they do—hell, let’s shake it off, back it up and start all over again.”

  “You’re the one who’s making it weird. Why’d you run an ad looking for a relationship anyway?”

  “I met you too soon, Natalie—just met you too soon. I have at least a year and a half more of hard work before retiring. I’ll be working all the time and I just met you too soon. I’ve been hurt and I don’t know, if I want another relationship. I know the girl can’t do all of the work in the relationship because it’d wear her down to nothing. I know I’ll have to figure out what’s going on with me.”

  Hearing Art say this reminds me of Boyd. Here we go with the ‘met me too soon’, again. I state, “Well, I want a relationship and am tired of being alone. I usually don’t let myself get this close to men, unless it means something real—something special. I’d like to get to know you and spend time with you. Perhaps, if we took sex out of our relationship, it’d be a good idea. I don’t like getting that close to you then not seeing you. After what you said on the phone today and tonight, I don’t think we should be making love.”

  Art continues, “Well, that’s what we’re doing, Natalie. We’re getting to know each other. I’m just so busy with my business that I don’t have much time right now. We really want the same things in life. You’re just a little ahead of where I am, right now. Which is okay, it’s okay. It can work. For now, we can take sex out of the relationship, then when we take it off the shelf—we’ll be in a different place. Be patient Natalie. you never know what the guy will do.”

  “What? What does that mean?”

  “Be patient Natalie.”

  We continue the conversation for a bit longer then off the phone, I feel a little better but am still confused. Art talks in circles. I’ll wait to see what happens after we get to know one another better. Only how many men are going to tell me that they’ve met me too soon? I’m getting very tired of hearing it. Except why am I letting Art frustrate me so? I still love Boyd, but perhaps, I’m afraid he might not return then if he does, what will I do with Art? I’ve never been in this type of a situation before. I’m usually a one-man woman. I laugh full of stress—all this is too much and I feel emotionally crazy. So, I’ll think about it tomorrow Scarlet.

  Finally, I have a meeting with the evasive Tanner, summoning my strength, I confront him about not telling his wife about our book collaboration and his sexual remarks and about his touching me. I tell him that I’m not interested in anything other than the book collaboration and am contemplating aborting the project because of his behavior.

  Tanner turns red in the face, appears a bit nervous, but soon recovers. “Natalie, my wife thinks I have affairs with all women. Don’t worry about it. I didn’t tell her about our collaboration because I knew she’d think we were having an affair. She’s crazy. I’m divorcing her soon. She only says that I have affairs to appease herself because she knows I want out of the marriage. It makes her feel better to think that I’m leaving her for someone else, instead of the truth which is I can’t stand being around her. The marriage has been over for years. I’ve never had an affair ever, and never would. It goes against my morals to do so and I just want out of the marriage. You know how some women are, especially the insecure ones? My wife’s very insecure always has been. Actually, I might be falling in love with Sondra. Since, you two have become friends do you know how she feels about me? The older I get, I’m realizing most women are only after me for my money. Except there’s something about Sondra. I can’t get her out of my mind.”

  I can’t believe what I am hearing, Tanner’s talking in circles. I feel both disgust and pity for him because he appears desperate. At the same time, I’m sick to my stomach as I think, the only thing any woman could ever want from Tanner is his money because he’s so disgusting. There’s nothing else about him to like.

  I state, “Sondra doesn’t want to be involved with a married man and you’re a married man. So why do you keep coming onto women? If you really don’t have affairs, while you’re married that is�
��can’t you wait until you’re actually divorced?”

  He smirks, “I’ll be divorced real soon. So, have you been telling Sondra to not have an affair with me? What has she told you about us—about me?” he’s extremely anxious.

  “No, why would I tell her not to have an affair with you? We don’t talk about you. Why would we?”

  He continues, “Well, not everyone has morals like you, Natalie. What do you and Sondra talk about anyway? Does she ever talk about me? What has she told you about me? Tell me right now!”

  “It’s none of your business what Sondra and I talk about. Where’s this conversation’s going anyway? I’m not sure that I should be doing a book with you because of what you’re asking. All this has nothing to do with the book project—now does it?”

  More defensive and redder in his face, he demands, “Has Sondra ever talked about us? Tell me right now, what has she said about me or told you about us? Are you telling her to not have an affair with me? Is it you who’s been telling her this and changing her mind?”

  I ask, “How could there be an ‘us’ with you and Sondra, if you don’t have affairs? Remember, you’re a married man who’s never had an affair—right?” I can tell that he recognizes that I know something. He’s becomes more nervous and angrier. He tried to appear one way, but now realizing he doesn’t, I can see in his eyes that he’s doing some fast thinking.

  He states, “Look, you signed an agreement with me so you must finish this book or I could take you to court.”

  I feel sick, as I recall Sondra saying that he likes to sue, then I suddenly recollect what an astrologer told me about how Tanner disposes of people after he’s done with them. It didn’t make sense then, but as I recall what she said—now it does. So, mustering up my nerve, I state, “I’m not interested in hearing about your personal life, but I do want to honor our contract and finish the book. You ordered that I complete my part of the book months ago because you said a publisher was ready. So, let’s get it done now or have you been wasting my time with all this? I don’t like you talking about my body and asking Sondra personal questions about my life. And yes, I certainly do have high standards. So, why would I want to be associated with someone who doesn’t? Have you ever heard of sexual harassment?”

  He is startled that I respond so strongly. I can almost see the wheels of alarm spinning in his head. I feel proud of myself, while I observe him analyzing and quickly shifting gears. In a friendly calm voice, “Um, of course, sure I want to get our project completed. Once our book comes out, I can even help you get your other ones published. You’re really a great writer and I love the work that you’ve done on this one. I’m terribly fascinated with Sondra and just want to know what she’s told you about me. Can’t you understand that?” The look on his face appears desperate.

  I say, “Sondra’s told me that you’re continually asking her out and it makes her uncomfortable. That’s all I know. Now, let’s finish this book as quickly as possible and get it published.”

  “You’re right, I need to be getting a divorce before dating Sondra and yes, I want to finish this book then get it published for both our benefits.”

  Thankfully, we focus on the project for the rest of the meeting and finally come to an agreement.

  He states, “I’ll have my part completed mid-April.”

  I respond, “That sound good.”

  Authoritatively, “Have Sondra type up a receipt showing that I paid you today. Please, don’t tell her that I spoke about her. I mean this—don’t tell her a word! When I’ve finished my part of the book, we can have dinner and talk about it all. Just don’t tell Sondra about what I’ve said. When we have dinner, I’ll pay you the rest of the money I owe you.”

  I’m so nervous that I’m perspiring. I wouldn’t continue this project if I didn’t need the money and if I hadn’t signed an agreement. I don’t want Tanner to have grounds to sue me, but I certainly don’t want to have dinner with him ever.

  I sit by Sondra at the computer, while she types up the receipt.

  She asks under her breath, “So, did he talk about me?”

  I answer under my breath, “He asked if I was the one who told you to not have an affair with him. That’s about it.”

  She states, “That little bastard.”

  My heads spinning and I breathe a sigh of relief as I leave the office with a check. At least, he paid some of what he owes me. Now, I just need to wait for him to finish his part then we have a book and I get the rest of the money and away from him. I’ll find some way to get out of having dinner with the jerk. I am still shaken and nervous about even being associated with him, but perhaps the project will turn out to be worth the time and effort. Anyway, he says he has some publishing contacts who want the book.

  Sondra calls informing me loudly and proudly that she rushed into Tanner’s office yelling at him for talking about her in our meeting.

  I am alarmed as I think—is she stupid or what? “Why’d you do that? Now, he knows I told you what he said and he feels betrayed.”

  Screeching, “I don’t care! I dare that creep tell you things about me.”

  “Sondra, the point is—now he knows, we talk about him and that’s exactly what we don’t want.”

  Screeching louder, “I don’t care!”

  I add, “Now, he’ll be angry at me.”

  She speaks as if she has some sort of power over him. “No, he won’t, and so what if he is? You don’t want to do that book with him anymore anyway.”

  I state, “I’ve worked months on this project and put my heart into it. I don’t want it to blow up in my face because of the situation between you and him. This project has nothing to do with you. I’m getting caught in the crossfire between you two.”

  As I think, I shouldn’t have ever associated with her. She’s a screeching idiot like Tanner’s wife. I hope this doesn’t blow it all apart.

  A few weeks later, Sondra behaves extremely nervous and talks about how Tanner’s still pressuring her to have an affair. She states, “He got furious when he found out that you introduced me to Jerry and we went out.”

  I comment, “Jerry’s a nice guy, your age, and you need to get out and meet people. Jerry didn’t mind at all when I told him I was doing research for a book instead of needing financial advice. He did say that he’s heard negative things about Tanner. I guess, everyone has but me.”

  She continues, “Tanner’s jealous. He doesn’t want me to meet anyone and doesn’t want me to associate with you anymore.”

  I respond, “I thought he told you to get to know me because he said I know a lot of people. This is just too bizarre, Sondra, he acts as if he owns you. I’m just waiting for him to finish the book then I am done with it all. He said he’d have it completed around mid-April.”

  She continues, “Don’t count on it. He told me he might not finish the book, since you got me a date with Jerry. He thinks you’re the reason that I’m not having an affair with him.”

  “What? That’s absurd. What does one have to do with the other? Besides, why’s he talking to you about the book project instead of talking to me?”

  She arrogantly adds, “He suggested that I might help you with the book.”

  “What? This is my project and you have nothing to do with it.”

  She continues, “That’s the way he is Natalie. If you do one thing he doesn’t like, he cuts you off.”

  “Just two weeks ago, he paid me more money to continue and we’ve signed an agreement. It doesn’t say that he can get out of doing the book, if I get someone a date. I haven’t done anything, but work on that book day and night for months. This whole thing is sophomoric.”

  She screeches, “I need to look for another job but I feel so lost!”

  What a stupid woman to explode in his office and to reveal to him what she did. I wish I’d never met her. Something’s going on between her and Tanner. He’s telling her things about the book project when it was begun months before I even met her. This woman i
s his office clerk and she is behaving as if she knows him intimately. She probably does. I bet she was having an affair with him or something was going on between them. She wants out and he’s blaming me.

  I spend hours talking to Art about it. “God, Art how’d I get into this sordid mess?”

  “You need to confront him or just don’t do the book. He’s a real piece of shit. Something about this whole Sondra deal just doesn’t smell right either.”

  I state, “Well, she’s scared, but I can’t believe she keeps talking to him about her personal life. I wish I’d never gotten to know her. I’m being pulled into something that I have nothing to do with. Like I’m in the crossfire of their relationship—whatever it is. I recall Tanner’s sexual remarks and it makes me sick to my stomach. The book collaboration is a business deal and he’s pulling me into his sordid personal life and I hate it. If I didn’t have a contract, I’d walk.”

  “You might want to pull away from Sondra. I just don’t trust her and don’t be surprised if she turns out to not really be your friend. I bet she was or is having an affair with him and decided to end it and he is blaming you.”

  “I don’t know her well. But yes, I think the same thing.”

  He continues, “The gut feeling that I got talking with her that Saturday on the phone was that something was off with her, but enough of all that. You’re still coming to see me soon, I hope?”

  “Yes, the first part of April, I am going to see my family and for doctors’ appointments then I’ll come see you on the way back.”

  A few days later, Sondra calls crying hysterically saying that Tanner came over to her apartment the night before under the guise of bringing her some papers and raped her. Shocked, I try to comfort her.

  “My God, Sondra, did you call the police?”

  She’s crying so hard that I can barely make out her words. “I was too scared and was freaking. I—I took two showers to clean him off me, then scrubbed my apartment over and over again. I’m so embarrassed, ashamed and I feel so dirty. Please don’t tell anyone. Please, I’ll die if you do!”