by Leanne Davis
She leaned back and slid her lips on his, moving to his chin, his neck, and the collar of his shirt. His hands grabbed her elbows, pushing her gently back. “You can’t keep trying to make up for things you think I lack with sex. It’ll soon become a burden and a weird thing if we set that precedent. As much as I want to all the time, you can’t keep using sex to make up for my shortcomings.”
“But it’s the only way we can be equals. Connected and experiencing the world in the same manner. And besides, it feels so good.”
“I know it does. And we do. But I just don’t want you to keep trying to make up for whatever obstacle I encountered being deaf that day. As you’re starting to realize, there is something nearly every day that slows me down, except when I’m working all alone in the barn all day, or sitting alone in my apartment.”
“That’s why you did that for so long. Because it was easier?” What a stunning revelation. Maybe glaringly obvious to some, but Brianna assumed Finn stopped participating with the outside world after his family’s death because he had no one to love him. She never factored in the ease of isolation. Truly, it was much easier.
“Yes. It was far easier to be alone. The times when I felt more aware of being deaf have only occurred since we started dating. There were fewer occasions before, and I didn’t feel so self-conscious or embarrassed or woefully aware of myself.”
She sat back on her heels and covered her mouth before she cried. She had all but ruined him. Dragging him into a world that was not made for him or even sympathetic to his needs. All the little tricks and compensations she developed for him and others couldn’t begin to bridge the gap between deaf and hearing.
He sat facing her and touched her face to make her stare at him. “Don’t cry. I didn’t finish.”
“But you’re right. I should have left you. I thought I was helping you, bringing you back to relationships and people and caring. I was trying to make your life better and not so alone as before, but perhaps all I managed to accomplish was to broadcast how alone you are, making you feel even lonelier because you’re in bigger groups of people who witness it.”
“I was going to add I was also never happy before. It might be harder, more awkward and even awful at times now, being out in public, and actually dealing with others, but there are also times where I’m ecstatic and I feel connected and I’m having fun. That never happened to me before you, Brianna. I was alive, sure, but one day melted into the next with no meaning, no joy, no companionship, no laughter. There was no point in life for me. You, however, you came along and gave it all a positive direction. I am so much better off because of you. And that is a gift no one else but you could have given me.”
Her heart nearly exploded. “So now it’s harder but it’s also better?”
He nodded. “Harder but better. As I imagine you experience it too. It isn’t just me now that my deafness causes problems for. You have a deaf boyfriend who can’t easily hang out with your friends or dance at a club. Maybe if I were more outgoing naturally, it would work, but on top of being deaf, I’m too quiet, and definitely not the life of any party. You can’t talk to me without staring right at my face. You feel guilty when I can’t do or hear or accomplish things for myself in a group setting. I see the guilt all over you. You deliberately put yourself in a relationship with me, knowing you’d feel that way. You still bother doing it and you do so with your entire being, your heart and your soul. ”
“And does that help or hurt you?”
“Helps me.”
“But it’s still hard.”
“It is. For both of us. I think you’re starting to fully realize it now. And the thing I need you to truly acknowledge is that it is and it will be, so you need to think long and hard about it.”
She shuddered. “I’m not debating whether I want to be with you because you’re deaf and I’m not, or because it gets a little hard sometimes.”
His head tilted. “It’s more than a little hard. You’re so good at being politely honest. Don’t stop now. And if you do, or you start lying about it or coddling me, what do you think will happen?”
“It won’t be real. We won’t last.”
He nodded, cupping her cheek. “Yeah, it won’t be real.”
“Or last. You want it to last, don’t you?”
He sucked in a breath. “I do. I just don’t know if we can swing it.”
She nodded, taking in his words and collapsing against his chest. She didn’t know how to answer him. She was well aware of what her heart desired and longed for, but he seemed to understand the obstacles all along, the things she couldn’t fully comprehend yet, and the truth of it all was their hearing differences. That’s all that made certain aspects of their relationship hard. A hundred small incidents but possibly enough to erode their bond.
He was right, sex could not be the answer each time his deafness became an issue. It would become the Band-aid, covering up the real problem. When he leaned back, she burrowed into his arms as she pulled the covers over them. Brianna decided right then and there, it would last.
No matter what. It would last forever.
Chapter Fourteen
FREAKING HAPPY THEIR NIGHT out was finally over with, Finn hoped Brianna could realize what a terrible fit it was for him, but she announced that they would go and see some of her favorite local landmarks since he was new to the area. They toured her elementary, middle and high schools. They saw her favorite haunts, mostly the beach and a park near her house. They held hands while walking and decided to stop for a quick bite. It was a walk-up ordering and take-away spot so Finn stayed back to read the menu. In front of them, several people waited because it was busy and bustling. Ahead of him in line, Finn watched a brunette with long, curly hair step up next to give her order. He watched her for a second before he recognized something very familiar, although he’d never once encountered it in his life: another deaf person.
That should have been first damn clue that he needed to find a new way to live. How many deaf people never encountered another deaf person? It was ridiculous, Finn now realized. How he purposely made himself nearly invisible to the rest of the world. In vivid illustration, Finn suddenly realized how much he isolated himself, and better than anything else could have.
Finn was sure the girl in front of him was deaf. She pushed a small notebook forward. Finn had no doubt it said what she wanted to order. But the kid at the cash register didn’t glance down. She tapped her notepad and he pushed it back to her, saying “What do you want?”
She tried again, shaking her head and pointing at her ears, trying to convey the problem. It was the universal indicator for not hearing someone. But the stupid cashier didn’t look at her.
Finn quickly pushed Brianna aside and went up to the register.
“She’s deaf. She can’t speak. She wants you to read her notebook. Her order’s on that.”
The kid glanced at him and then looked at the girl for the first time. As Finn spoke, he signed what he said so the girl could follow. He glanced at her and her eyes followed his hands before a huge grin split her face. He turned toward her. Her eyes were misting over in gratitude. She nodded as she pushed the pad toward the clerk and signed back, “Thank you. You can’t imagine how much I appreciate the help.”
He realized Brianna was beside him when he felt her touch his arm. She was speaking. He stared at her for moment and caught the tail end of her words, “—No, I’m not kidding you. He’s completely deaf. He read your lips and can speak like you or me.”
She smiled with regret. “He thought you were hearing too and he was talking to you while you were signing to her.”
Fuck. He couldn’t even fulfill the role of a hero, huh?
The girl in front of him signed, “What now?”
He felt her confusion and embarrassment. “Let Brianna tell him your order. Why don’t you sit with us?”
“I’d appreciate that. Thank you. For what you just did,” she signed and her facial expression elongated to a w
rinkled brow which she ended with a huge smile.
He turned to Brianna. “I’m going to talk to her for a moment. Would you mind getting our order? I’ll take a coffee and bagel. Okay?”
Brianna nodded. “Of course.”
But his gaze left Brianna. With undisguised interest and excitement, he hurried to talk to the woman who signed so quickly. He strode over to her. A smile shone on his face. She smiled back.
She signed. “Hello, my name is Felicity.” She spelled out her name and gave a unique sign, telling him that was her given name in sign language.
Then she put her hand out to shake.
Keeping his speaking voice quiet, he signed back, “I’m Finn.” He showed her the sign for his name, one he hadn’t used in several years. It felt so good. Like someone was finally spelling his name right after a lifetime of spelling it wrong.
“You’re deaf too?”
“Completely.”
“So am I. I was born deaf. I’ve always communicated with sign.”
“Long story, but I think I lost my hearing around the age of three. I had pretty good speech and syntax, so the school always insisted on speech therapy. So I can speak fairly clearly.”
“Do you ever get it wrong?”
“Yes. And it can be embarrassing,” he signed quickly and his face relaxed, absorbing the quiet but totally clear conversation. “I don’t know how many times I get it wrong. I probably don’t want to know.”
“But you still do it?”
“I do. It’s the only way I can work. I never had my family around, so I had to make my way on my own. I had to communicate with the hearing.”
“You can speak that well?”
“I hope so,” he grinned as he said it. She laughed. “I’m told people can’t tell from my speech that anything is different with me.”
“I won’t even dare to try.”
“It’s definitely easier to do this of course,” Finn said, referring to ASL. “I get tired a lot. It’s exhausting sometimes trying to keep up with conversations.”
She nodded a laugh perhaps only she could understand. “You said you have no family? That’s not your sister?” She pointed at Brianna who still waited for the orders, although her gaze was fastened on him and Felicity.
“No. She’s my girlfriend.”
“And she’s hearing?”
“Yes.”
“She can sign though?”
“No. I think that’s why she’s staring at me right now; she’s never seen me sign before.”
“How is that possible?”
He smiled. “Well, I just talk to her using my voice.”
“She does look interested. Not a clue as to what we’re saying?”
“Not an inkling.”
“She’s very beautiful.”
He glanced at Brianna who was staring hard at him and flashed her a smile. He planned to tell her later, if it would remove her scowl. She probably sensed he was signing about her by the way they looked at her. “She is.”
“Forgive me, but I was shocked when you came to my rescue; and you seemed like them… and then she came to your rescue. It was not my normal experience.”
“Them?”
“Hearing people.”
“You don’t like them?” he signed and his face showed his amusement. He understood it though.
“I just can’t communicate with them. It’s not that I hate them, just no interest in pursuing them. After years of ignoring me as if I wore a cloak of invisibility, I learned to be very careful; and honestly? It’s hard to trust them.”
“How can you avoid it?”
“My parents both learned sign language, as well as my sister. I just graduated from college so I’m still living at home. I work from my home too as an editor for technical writing. Most of my friends are all deaf.”
“Wow, that’s a lot of deaf people. You’re the first deaf person I’ve talked to in many years.”
Her eyebrows popped upwards in disbelief. “How is that possible?”
“I lived in Idaho. Small rural area. Then I moved to Eastern Washington to work on a special ranch that rehabilitates rescue horses… that’s where I met Brianna… and in all my travels and residing in the small, nothing places, I never met any other deaf people. None that I knew of anyway. Actually, I didn’t meet too many people in general.”
“Until Brianna?”
“Yes, actually. Anyway, I work with horses, mainly, with little people interaction. Until now, it’s been tolerable.” He didn’t add that Brianna showed him a different way to live in the world.
“And she’s fully cognizant of your limitations in her world?”
“Yeah. Yes. She’s even done something about it. In a good way. Do you run into misunderstandings like this a lot?”
“Honestly? Sometimes. Most people aren’t as dense as that idiot at the cash register, however.”
“You know a lot of other deaf people?”
“Yeah. I network with people on things like Deaf Jam Search.”
“What is that?”
“Wow, you’re definitely not from here, huh? It’s a yearly event in Seattle that highlights Deaf culture, and invites local artists and community members to celebrate. You want more sign language? It’s got all the sign language you could imagine. That’s how I met most of the friends I hang out with. Here, check this out. I write a blog too. It includes lots of resources helpful to our world. I suppose living in the country doesn’t offer much opportunity to know others and network.”
“None, honestly. At least, none that I know of.”
“Would you like to participate? You seem to have the hearing pretty well mastered. Look at you. Talking, hearing, a hearing girlfriend even.”
“I thought I was fine. But I never knew about any other options. I’d love to know other deaf people. Honestly, I forgot how much easier it is to talk like this. I feel totally understood. Finally. I missed it more than I realized. Talking to people is far more exhausting than this is. I’ve grown used to it, sure, but it never feels natural, not like this. It always requires my undivided attention and focus. Doing this feels almost decadent. It’s so easy.”
Felicity beamed. “Here, let’s exchange numbers. I could introduce you to lots of people. And yes, it’s lovely to talk without constraints and Herculean efforts.”
Just then, Brianna came up, holding the tray in her hands. She set it between them, darting a glance at Felicity. “They were out of raspberry scones so they replaced it with blueberry.”
He signed what Brianna said. Felicity nodded and signed back.
“She says thanks.”
Brianna served the food and took the tray away before she slid into the chair beside Finn and opposite Felicity. “She doesn’t read lips?”
“No. She doesn’t.” He spoke and signed. “Brianna, this is Felicity. She’s a local here too. I already told her about you.”
She held her hand out to Felicity and nodded. Felicity took her hand and they shook. It was an awkward moment however. Brianna’s mouth was tight, but why? It didn’t seem like anger. Finn was well acquainted with her anger and pissed-off look and this definitely wasn’t it.
“You okay?” he asked, no sign.
She smiled then, almost appearing too bright, so much that it was forced.
“I am. Please go ahead and talk to her. I’m sure she appreciates it more than I need to understand what you’re saying.”
“Are you sure?”
She set a hand on his wrist and squeezed. “I’m sure, Finn. It’s not often you get the chance. I get to talk all the time when it’s easy. I want you to now.”
He flashed a relieved smile and turned his body more towards Felicity, signing a short version that said Brianna was fine if they conversed. So they did. They talked for an hour-and-a-half. From one subject to the next. Finn gained a wealth of information, both casual and more personal, going back and forth. It was exhilarating and fun. A few times, Finn reached over and took Brianna’s hand and squee
zed it while Felicity was signing to him. But he had to let go to answer. Brianna smiled quickly when he met her gaze, but otherwise, her eyes wandered off. Looking around, she soon became totally bored. He hated to make her feel that way. It was the worst feeling he knew, although he was better acquainted with it than she was. But when Felicity asked him a question, he eagerly answered her.
“You want to leave? I’ll text you to come back for me?” Finn asked Brianna.
She whipped her head up at his voice. “Oh? Um…” she darted a glance Felicity’s way. He signed as he spoke so she knew what was going on. “Are you telling her what we’re saying?”
He didn’t sign, but frowned. “Well, if she could hear, she’d be in the conversation already as we are within three feet of each other. So yes, I was, if only so she didn’t feel left out. Like you’ve been until now, that’s how she always is. It’s not very much fun, is it?”
Brianna’s head jerked back. He bit his tongue, regretting his minor reprimand. “I’m sorry,” he said, reaching over to squeeze her hand. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No. No, you should have. Go ahead and sign the rest of it. Yes, I’ll go and finish some errands. I had a meeting at three anyway. Shall I pick you up when I’m done? Say around four?”
He looked at Felicity who signed she could stay, and nodded his answer. “I’ll see you then.” He got up as Brianna did and kissed her mouth quickly. She smiled and touched his face before she turned and left. He felt odd. He wasn’t sure why. She’d been snippy and petty about Felicity before she immediately returned to the Brianna he knew. Generous and easy going with the hearing stuff. Something felt off, however, between them. Was it the unexpected magnification of their differences? Perhaps. But how easy it was with Felicity. Shaking his head, he returned his gaze to Felicity, who was looking up at him as he watched Brianna walk out the door.
“She’s not used to not knowing what I’m saying.”
