by Leanne Davis
“I’m sure. Honestly? How do you two make that work?”
“She’s usually the one making sure I hear everything she says. I mean everything.” A small smile touched his lips. “She’ll stop any conversation to turn to me and make sure I’m following it. She insists that her family put their fingers up to indicate who is talking at all times. If they don’t? She stops and reminds them. She’s actually pretty amazing with it. She’s the only reason I stepped out of River’s End and am here talking to you, actually.”
“Wow. Then you are lucky. That’s never been my experience with hearing people. She looks like she’d be the opposite.”
He chuckled. “I know. But her heart’s bigger than her beauty, to be honest.”
He asked Felicity about her family to get off the subject of Brianna, distinctly feeling it wasn’t okay or right. That conversation lost him as he began thinking more about Brianna or worrying about talking versus signing, and hearing versus hard of hearing. Felicity was much sharper and more critical of the world around them and the treatment they received in it than Finn ever gave much thought to.
But she was also funny and interesting and fun.
Best of all, she could sign. It was amazing. Releasing an explosion of communication he hadn’t had in years, Finn loved that it was so natural and easy.
Like coming home after a long trip.
Time flew out the window and before he knew it, he glanced up and saw Brianna standing inside the door, staring at them. Startled at her arrival, he glanced at his phone. Yup, four-fifteen. “Crap. I didn’t realize how fast the time went by. Brianna’s here.”
Felicity got to her feet as they met up with Brianna. They exchanged contact information. She signed. “Text me. I’d love to introduce you to the non-hearing world around here.”
He laughed. “Different than Brianna’s version?”
“Better than, yes. For you anyway. Okay?”
“Yeah, sure. Talk to you later, Felicity.”
“You too, Finn. Nice to meet you. Tell Brianna, I enjoyed meeting her too.”
He watched Felicity get into her small SUV, throwing her bag in the back.
He leaned in and kissed Brianna’s mouth. Her mouth was pursed unnaturally. Again, the look. Not mad. Not pissed. Not ready to cry. What bothered her?
“Get your appointment done?”
“Yes.” She slid into the passenger seat but didn’t elaborate. He started the car and turned to her.
“What? I know you’re upset. I probably can guess why…”
“You don’t.” She swallowed and turned her head, resting it on her hand as her elbow pressed on the edge of the window. Leaning forward, he turned her face to his.
“Then tell me. I know it’s hard not to know what I’m saying…”
She started to cry. Flabbergasted, he backed up as she leaned forward, burying her face in her hands. Flummoxed, he glanced around as if there were someone who could help him. Well, shit. He nailed it, obviously. But what could he do? He touched her shoulder, knowing she could hear through her tears. “I get it. I do. But it was just an afternoon…”
She suddenly sat up, almost head-butting him as he was leaning so close to her shoulder. His head had to jerk back. Crying still, she started shaking her head. Then she turned to face him. She leaned in close, and she clasped his face in her hands. A familiar move she did often. “I’m crying because I thought I knew, but I didn’t really know.”
“What? That I’m deaf?”
“No. That I’ve never fully had you. I’ve never really talked to you… or should I say, never fully communicated with you?”
“I catch most of what you say, Brianna. That’s not true.”
She shook her head. “No, no, no. I’m saying this wrong. I mean, I’ve never had all of you. I’ve had the muted you. I’ve never seen you open up like that.”
“Like what? I don’t know what you mean.”
“Engaged. Fully and wonderfully animated and engaged. I’ve never spoken to that Finn. Not because you withhold him from me, I know that you don’t, but because you can’t. I couldn’t understand you if you did…” Her head shook and tears rolled down her cheeks. “The way your face lit up, and the ease of your smile…”
“Sign language requires lots of facial expressions to do it. It’s like you using your tone of voice. ASL uses facial cues for context. The expression on your face can change the entire meaning of words.”
“No, honestly, I didn’t really know that. I actually never thought about it. It makes sense now… but it was a lot more than that. An energy developed around you that never existed before. It was you being you. You were real and easily able to communicate. It wasn’t hard for you. It was pure joy. Without any conditions or forethought. I can’t give you that freedom.”
“And I can’t carry on conversations while driving the car or when you’re in the next room fussing around with your hair. We occupy two different worlds, Brianna. We have from the start.”
She leaned forward as her hand cupped his chin and she strummed her thumb over his lips. “I know. I just didn’t realize how difficult it was for you to talk to me. How hard and unnatural. And I didn’t comprehend the difference.” She stared into his eyes. “It hurt me to see you communicating, and making someone else laugh or smile or respond without knowing what you said. For the first time, it illustrated in living color what your entire life next to me must be like. I saw what being with me means for you. One fucking day. No, not even a day; it was only a few hours and I couldn’t handle it. I’m crying. I feel hurt. And left out. I feel jealous.” She suddenly gripped his shirt and buried her face into his shoulder.
He rubbed her back.
She flipped her head up. “How can I be such a hypocrite? Of course you were jealous of Darren. And here I told you to accept me as I was? What the fuck did I know about sitting around with the one you care about and love without hearing them or what they say or express? Now I know what it feels like to see the person you love connect with a total stranger in ways they can’t connect with you. What did I know? What a bitch I was. A single hour of it was too much for me to handle.”
He leaned forward and kissed her, pushing her hair back from her face as he cupped the side of it. “And you care so much, I can’t understand you. I think it breaks your heart more than mine. It’s okay, Brianna. You have to remember: it’s a reality I’m used to. It just is. Of course, it’s a shock to you. You don’t have to be ashamed because you’re not deaf. Honestly? Don’t be jealous. There is only you in my heart. Like you claimed you felt with that Darren guy.”
“No, it’s different than that. I wasn’t jealous of her as a woman. Not for her looks. Or you talking to her. I was jealous of her deafness and yours. And her ability to understand and communicate with you in ways I can never know. An experience of interacting with you that I can’t participate in. I could not talk to you the same way she does; that’s why I was jealous of her. Not of her as a person, but for the experience she, alone, can give you.”
She took his hands in hers and kissed them as she clutched them. He stared down at her head and slid her hair through their linked hands. She surprised him again. She was so sweet and deep and caring; but none of that was apparent in the classic perfection of her looks.
She regretted she couldn’t speak to him as Felicity did. Not what Finn anticipated.
“Do you care if I see her again? She’s active in the Deaf culture and knows stuff I could never…”
Her brow wrinkled. “What Deaf culture? What do you mean? I guess you’ve mentioned it before, but I didn’t realize it was really a thing.”
“Yeah. Like any group of like-minded individuals has. I’ve just never gotten involved because I was either on the move or so far from it, why bother? She could introduce me to others who live nearby and around here. Honestly? It’s been so long, I felt rusty.”
She held his hands, clutching them tighter. “Of course. Of course. You should meet new people and you
will. You don’t have to ask me.”
“I just don’t want you to think it’s because she’s a girl.”
“You can have friends, I can handle it. I expect you to let me have friends, including men like Darren Santis, right?”
“Right, good point. You do. And you’re a hell of a lot more attractive than I am.”
She shook her head. “If you could begin to understand how much I… it isn’t just about looks.”
Dropping her eyes to her lap, she lifted her hand and bit the cuticle of her nail. Finn never knew she bit her nails or fidgeted so nervously like this. Was it because of Felicity? Could Brianna feel insecure? Although she might have blamed it on her communication abilities, Finn felt like it was something more than that.
Always before, it was about her. He was insecure about her liking him. It probably never occurred to her that someone else could be attracted to him. Felicity was a girl he could communicate with and she could enhance the world in a way Brianna was unfamiliar with.
When they got home, Brianna tugged him into her bedroom. Without a word, she started discarding both of their clothes. To say she screwed their brains out was an understatement. Not once, but twice… and then a third time.
Was it from her insecurity about the encounter with Felicity? He feared so, but hoped not.
She whispered something into his ear. Her breath was warm over his skin and goosebumps broke out all over his arms. He could feel her lips move as she said something. He pushed her body back. Naked and glorious, he stared up at her above him.
She often whispered, or possibly yelled, (for how did he know?) words into his ears. He had a feeling they were honest. The things she wasn’t quite ready to say to him. But she took any opportunity to say them, freeing her heart and soul, and if Brianna felt anything deep, she had a hard time keeping it to herself. She had to say it and let it out. Finn only wished he knew whatever she said to him. Sometimes he let it go. Other times, he insisted she repeat her words.
“What? What did you say?” He brushed her hair back off her shoulders as she scooted back far enough he could finally see her mouth.
“Nothing.” She tried to lean forward and cover his mouth with hers.
He gently pushed her back. “Whatever you just said to me must be something you feel too vulnerable to say out loud. It’s not fair to do that without expecting me to ask what you said.”
She sighed. “I know. You’re right. I feel it, I just feel embarrassed saying it.”
“Then say it.”
“All right. I said, someday, I’ll talk to you like she does.”
“She?”
“Felicity.”
“That’s not what you said. Or at least, it’s not all you said. It was much longer than that.”
She squeezed her eyes shut. “I said, I got scared today.”
“Of what?”
“Losing you.”
“To Felicity? I don’t even know her.”
“Not to her specifically. To the Deaf world. They can provide you with the understanding of a total community I can’t. I—”
He cupped her face and pulled her to him. “You can’t sleep with me every time you feel insecure. Sex can’t be a vehicle for trying to keep me. It doesn’t work that way. Sex should be because you want me.”
She jerked back, her eyes huge. “Sex is always because I want you. Each time. Every time. It’s because I am attracted to you. All of you. All the time. I want you to feel me, and feel my love. As any man would. Not because you can’t hear me say it. But if I do it more often than I might if you weren’t deaf? Yeah. Maybe. Okay, yes. And I’m not ashamed of that. It’s how you can hear me. I love you.” She shook her head, shutting her eyes. “I didn’t mean to say that. But I do. I love you.”
It was hard for Finn not to smile. She often did that to him. When she felt embarrassed, she still had to face him because, as always, the lamp was on so they could talk. No sex in the dark for them. Brianna had too many words for darkness. Some talking from Brianna was inevitable, so she always kept the light on. She fully respected his need to see her lips to talk to her.
He stared at her for a long moment before he took her hands in his. He twisted her right hand and fingers, gently manipulating them. Her eyelids popped open, and she seemed surprised and curious. She watched him. Taking her pinkie finger, then her index finger and thumb up, he turned her palm away from her and jiggled her hand slightly.
She scrunched her face up. “What?”
“I love you.”
She stared at her hand. “That’s it?”
“Shorthand. That’s the casual, superficial way. To say exactly what you mean has to be spelled out. But this gets your point across.”
She stared at her hand. He lifted his. “The sign for ‘I love you’ is actually a combination of manual letters ‘I, L, and Y."'
Distracted, she squinted at her own hand. “It’s like the devil’s sign. Except the thumb is down for that.”
He laughed. “No, that’s what hearing people use it for if they want to say, ‘rock on’ at concerts and whatever.”
She did the gesture again. He smiled and did it back to her. She stared at his hand for moment. Her eyebrows scrunched up. “Did you just informally and superficially say you love me and I understood?”
“I said I love you. Nothing superficial or informal about it.”
She swallowed visibly and kissed him long and deep. Then she sat back up so he could see her.
“Do you really mean it?”
He nodded. “I love you too, Brianna.”
She closed her eyes. “That means… oh, my God. I’ve never said that to anyone but my parents and Jacob and Cami before. It was different with them. Not like this.”
“I don’t remember ever saying it to anyone… so I feel even more awkward.”
“Ever?”
“No.”
She tilted her forehead to touch his. “Stop breaking my heart. I know being deaf is hard and isolating but you know what’s worse?”
“I’m guessing you’re going to tell me it’s my life before I met you.”
She nodded, and a small, confident smile touched her mouth. “Yes. But it’s the solitude of your life. You won’t ever be like that again. I can’t make you hear and I can’t make me deaf, and I can’t make the rest of the world any better, but I can definitely make yours better.”
“You already have, Brianna.”
“I know it’s hard for the two of us to navigate through them separately; and when we are together, it’s nearly impossible, but when it’s just us…”
“It doesn’t really matter.”
“No. We have to remember that, even when it’s hard. When the bridge between hearing and non-hearing gets really hard, we have to remember how lucky we are to have what we share between us.”
“I have never felt luckier in my life. You saying and feeling this towards me… I feel very lucky.”
“Will you teach me sign language? I know it will take me awhile, but I promise I’ll learn it. I swear I will and then…”
“You don’t have to learn it.”
Her head shook. “I might now, at least, for a while. But a whole lifetime? You can’t be expected to always be focused and on point to talk to me. I need to learn how to sign if we truly intend to make this work. Now I want to learn it, Finn. I want you unmuted. Will you teach me?”
“Yeah. Sure. Of course, I will.” His eyes gleamed as he stared at her. No one else… not one other person would bother to learn ASL. Not for him.
“Then we could talk all the time. Really talk without you feeling muted, and you can be just you.” She smashed her palm to her forehead. “I’m so stupid not to have thought of this before. I should have. Duh. Stupid hearing people. No wonder Felicity doesn’t like us.”
“How did you know that?”
“I might not read sign language but I did read her body language and saw her scowling my way. That and she liked you. A lot. She probably asked why
you were with me, huh?”
He didn’t answer for fear she’d bar him from seeing Felicity again. “Well, you don’t have to answer because I know she did. But Finn, you need good friends, I know that. I want you to have good friends. I’m just sorry I didn’t think of this sooner.”
“Do you know there are lots of parents with deaf kids who never learn sign language? It’s more unusual that you’d think of it, let alone, suggest doing it.”
“We’ll do it. Together. Why don’t we start tomorrow?”
His heart swelled with love as he stared up at her. She was excited, and her eyes gleamed. She liked the prospect of learning a new skill. She was pulling her fingers together and the casual I love you sign popped up in his direction.
He took her hand and pointed it at herself. Then he touched her chin with her forefinger and showed her how to twist it as she pointed at him. “I miss you.”
She copied it and repeated it several times. “Do I have it down?”
“Yes.”
“Do I have you, Finn?”
He nodded. “That’s a definite yes, Brianna.”
She beamed brighter and cuddled into his chest. Something wonderful and warm filled his heart. Love. Finn had discovered love. For the first time in a decade. It was terrifying. Crippling. Crazy. And amazing.
Chapter Fifteen
THE NEXT DAY BRIANNA had to meet with Darren. She wished she didn’t. He was like a trigger between Finn and her, and she preferred to revel in the things they were now discovering, facing, experiencing, and trying to figure out.
But the charity mattered and whether or not Finn saw it, Darren could certainly help his career. She put on a pair of dressy, loose, black slacks and a cranberry-colored blouse. She rolled her hair up in a twist, and secured it off her shoulders. Finn kissed her shoulders and then the side of her face while she was staring in the mirror. “You look lovely.”
“Thank you,” she turned towards him and away from the mirror before she spoke. “I have to meet with Darren Santis today.”
“Right. I know that. He’s the reason for this visit to Everett.”
