Gotta Dance with the One Who Brung Ya - sex, scandals and sweethearts

by Jon McDonald

  “You want me to have a lift? Is that it?”

  “No, no, nothing that radical. I mean, come on, what would that accomplish?”

  “So I’m past rehabilitation?”

  “Well…. Actually I was thinking more along the lines of a standin.”

  “What!” Daniel stood up. A few forks paused at the surrounding tables. And eyes peered over like hidden tree animals in the jungle.

  “Now, don’t get all bent out of shape. Just for the telecast. You could go to the parties and all, as my guest. Like my elderly uncle, say.” Daniel was turning red. “Sit down. Sit down.”

  Daniel sat down again, too outraged at first to speak. Nash reached over and patted Daniel’s hand. “It’s nothing personal, you know that. But age doesn’t sell too well in this town.”

  “And what about experience? “ Daniel finally managed to grunt out.

  “Hey, you’re only as good as your last block buster. And Youngsters, it’s a nice little pic. Hey, that kid was adorable. But it grossed what? - ten, fifteen mil domestic? I mean come on what’s that gonna get you? It’s all about the buzz, and the bucks that follow.” He snapped his fingers three times to emphasize the speed of how Hollywood works.

  “But I’ve been nominated for an Academy Award. What’s that - dog shit on the sidewalk?”

  “Okay, okay. Don’t get uppity. Just listen to my proposal. Remember, I’m thinking of you - and your career. Who’s your daddy?”

  “I am. You’re thirty-five, for chrizsake.”

  “Don’t look over thirty-three, though, do I?” He brushed back his tastefully tinted hair. “So, here’s the deal. I’ve hired this actor - nobody you’d know - to be you for the event. Not too old. But not too young either. Good Central Casting - slightly younger daddy type. Little silver on the sides. Strong jaw. Maybe a three-day-old stubble. Breakfast of Champions. You get the picture. And he’s on the red carpet and in your seat when the cameras scan the nominees. Hey you can even write the acceptance speech if you win. The whole gig’s yours except for the face. It’s perfect. High impact on the market and a home run if you win. He’s an actor remember - will give a great speech.”

  ‘No.” Daniel was adamant. “Damn it, Nash. This goes too far.”

  “Well, it’s not an option really, I’m afraid. You know you’ve never really put yourself out there. You always took conference call pitches and emailed your scripts. You always wanted to work at home and never play the game. Only a few insiders know what you really look like. Let’s use that to our advantage. Look at yourself. Would you want to see that ascending to the podium?”

  Daniel glanced down at his thrift store appearance. His cute little fashion joke didn’t seem so clever right now. “Well….I don’t care. I’m not going to miss out on what may be my only award experience.”

  Nash rose, after signing the check. “Get used to it. If you want me to keep you on as a client, and if you want to continue to work and make some money you’d better play ball. It’s not a request, it’s a requirement.”

  ◘ ◘ ◘

  When Daniel got back from the lunch in a stew, the light was blinking on his answering machine. He pressed the button to listen to his message. It was from Raymond Hirsh, an agent he had run into many times out and about who ran a small agency of very select writers, and a few actors and directors. He asked Daniel to call him for a brief chat.

  Daniel picked up the phone and called Raymond. He got through right away. “Mr. Hirsh, this is Daniel Kolbalt.”

  “Yes, Daniel. Thanks for getting back to me. Really appreciate your prompt reply.”

  “Of course.”

  “Congratulations on the nomination. I’ve seen Youngsters and it’s really deserving.”

  “Thanks, I’m proud of it.”

  “Listen Daniel, I’m not fishing for new clients. I never poach, but I was at Cahoots for lunch today and saw you and Nash Gordon. He’s your agent, right?”

  “Ummm.”

  “Well that doesn’t sound very decisive.”

  “There are issues.”

  “Yes, I overheard. Sorry about that. But the patio is rather small and one does hear almost everything.”

  “He’s a son a bitch.”

  “I know it’s none of my business but I believe he treated you abominably. Just wanted to let you know there are alternatives if you want to consider them.”

  “How about lunch tomorrow at noon? Not Cahoots though.”

  “Noon it is, how about Splash?”

  “That’s good. See you then.”

  Daniel sat brooding at his computer. He was too distracted by the episode at lunch to concentrate fully on the screenplay. He sat watching the blinking cursor. He was working on a mob revenge story – Reluctant. His mind kept flashing back to lunch, but he would focus occasionally, and come up with a new caper or plot twist for the script. Then it came to him and he smiled.

  ◘ ◘ ◘

  Raymond was waiting for him outside Splash when Daniel pulled up to the curb. Raymond leaned in the window and asked, “May I?” indicating he wanted to get in the car.

  “Sure,” Daniel replied.

  Raymond sat beside him and looked over with a sly smile. “You like Falafel?”

  “Yup.”

  “Good, drive two blocks and turn left. It’s just on the right.”

  “I know that place. Why there? Why’d you change the restaurant?”

  “I don’t want what happened to you yesterday to happen again today. No industry prying eyes or ears.”

  “Un huh,” Daniel smiled. “I wonder if we might be thinking along the same lines. I’ve had a few thoughts myself since we chatted yesterday.”

  Raymond turned to him and smiled, “Ya never know.”

  ◘ ◘ ◘

  The big night finally arrived. Nash was pacing nervously in the neighborhood of the red carpet, watching the celebs arrive, and waiting for Benton Miles, the actor he’d hired to impersonate Daniel, to arrive with his fake mother. Nash had decided that Daniel would have brought his mother to the awards show so he had hired an actress, Mildred Dunlop to be “Mom”. Now Mildred had struggled for years to make it big, and had had a brief flash in the 60’s playing a TV mom, but she also struggled with other demons as well, and soon vanished from any public or industry recognition. Nash was counting on her being unknown ‘cause she really looked the part.

  Nash was a little miffed at Daniel because he had declined to come to any of the after parties, and was not taking his calls. Had he gone too far? Nah, just some crazy old dude with a grudge. But Nash was getting a lot of inquiries about writing assignments for Daniel. He was still a viable meal ticket.

  Finally the car pulled up. Not a limo - Nash was not about to spring for that. And a very respectable looking gentleman and “Mom” emerged from the car smiling. None of the media knew who they were, so they proceeded into the theatre with absolutely no attention given them, whatsoever. Whew, first hurdle over. Nash trundled after them and caught up with them at the bar.

  It was his first real up-close look at Benton.

  “What happened?” he asked, as he took Benton by the arm, holding him at arm’s length and viewing what appeared to be an evening suit about four sizes too small.

  “I have no idea,” Benton responded, looking down at the suit - cuffs showing about three inches, and the pants coming several inches above his ankles. “It was just fine when I tried it on at the store and they delivered it to me the next day. I never thought to try it on again before this evening.”

  “Christ, you look like a clown. Pull your pants down at least.”

  Just then Mildred, Scotch in hand, weaved her way from the bar to Nash and just before reaching him did a little tumble, catching herself by grabbing hold of Benton’s sleeve at his left shoulder. The sleeve detached itself from the jacket and slid away into Mildred’s hand. She reeled backwards, holding the sleeve up for intimate inspection.

  “Ooopsie.” She giggled and waved the sleeve aroun
d her head like a revolutionary waving a flag of independence. “What have we got here?” She tried to focus, but slipped again and ended up sitting on the floor; Scotch flying around her head like a dog shaking itself coming out of a pond.

  Nash could not speak but looked around to see who might be witnessing this fiasco.

  “I think we have a teensie weensie little pwoblem here,” she uttered, then fell backwards and passed out.

  Benton bent over to assist her and as he leaned in to pull her up, the back seam of his pants split right down the middle, completely exposing the seat of his boxer shorts that read, This is an exit and an entrance.

  Nash was panicking. He grabbed Benton to pull him up so his coat would cover the split pants and the right sleeve broke loose in Nash’s hand as well.

  Mildred had somewhat revived and was now crawling back towards the bar crying out, “I just need a little pick me up and I’ll be right as rain.”

  Nash stood up, Benton’s sleeve in hand, and glanced at the mirror behind the bar. His recently touched up hair color was streaming down his face like chocolate sauce on a hot fudge sundae.

  Just then Daniel walked up, fresh from the hairdressers with a facial, a manicure, his head completely shaved and a brand new Valentino evening suit. He was accompanied by Raymond and a stunning looking woman in a red chiffon gown with a necklace of pink diamonds and rubies.

  “Nash, is this a bad time?” He looked around at the fallen Mildred, the cowering Benton with what was left of his coat covering his rear, and the very subdued Nash, chocolate streaming down his face. Daniel brought Raymond forward. “I’d like to introduce you to my new agent, Raymond Hirsh. I believe you two know each other. Raymond has so kindly introduced me to this charming lady, who is also one of his clients, and a very talented writer as well. We’re looking at doing a collaboration together.”

  The lobby lights flickered, as it was time for the telecast to begin shortly.

  “My, Nash, you look a little frazzled. Perhaps you might want to watch the ceremony from the bar. Might allow you the opportunity to regroup.”

  They started to walk away. Nash was still unable to find any words, his head nodding away like crazy. But Daniel stopped and returned. “You have my tickets, I believe.” He held out his hand and Nash reached in his coat pocket and gave the tickets to Daniel.

  As he was about to leave, Daniel leaned in to Nash and whispered in his ear, “Never underestimate the imagination, or the resources, of an old fart writer who knows how to craft a really good revenge saga.”

  Divas Never Flinch – a comedy of manners

  Who says there are no civil wars in America? Santa Fe, New Mexico is the epicenter of epic battles fought between the two Queens of the local social scene. Told through a series of episodic tales, this satirical novel lurches back and forth between stories of the two Divas; tracing the rise and fall in the fortunes of Sonora and Connye, as they try to outdo each other and reign as Queen. But the battles are played out in the most civil of terms. Dinner parties, social events, and outside journeys to Puerto Vallarta, New Orleans and New York City carry the action through southwest style political intrigue; the search for buried treasure; battles to control visiting royalty; a Hollywood movie premiere, and the colorful exploits of an additional cast of sexually complex, supporting characters.

  But it’s not all Champagne and acid. There are also many touching moments. Lost children reunited with a missing parent. Unexpected generosity. The care of aging parents. The gratitude of a good friend for help in starting a new business. And a Nativity scene mysteriously appearing in Sonora’s back yard on Christmas Day.

  Finally the climax comes when a new competitor arrives on the scene, Amanda Beor-Bink, a world-class fashion designer, who actively conspires, using her celebrity and money, to claim the crown of ‘Queen of Santa Fe’ for herself. Sonora & Connye, constant competitors up until then, unite to oust this New York City interloper, who dares to challenge their social supremacy.

  Take a look on Kindle – Click: http://amzn.to/18aTUPy

  Bloodlines – The Quest:

  Volter, a renegade European vampire arrives in a small Ohio town bent on destroying a colony of mutant vampires (neither fully vampire nor fully human), which he believes to be an inferior disgrace to the true vampire race. The mutants have kept their identity unknown, as they are no threat to the human population. It is Volter’s goal is to turn the blame for his ensuing bloody rampage upon the mutants themselves, hoping they will be destroyed by the citizens once their identity is revealed. However, a local amateur detective and his friends become involved in the fight to eradicate Volter and save the reputation of the mutants who are solid community members. But Volter is a formidable force not easily defeated.

  Take a look on Kindle – click: http://amzn.to/18aV4dW

  The Seed – And Ironic Political Thriller

  The new U.S. President is a ruthless scoundrel. His activist son, Diego, discovers his father conspired with the CEO of a major oil company, and the dictator of Venezuela to manipulate the oil markets, causing high gas prices, and ensuring his election as a drill friendly president.

  Diego’s environmental action group exposes the President’s illegal act, unleashing a firestorm of criticism against the president, and several nasty murder attempts against Diego by the big oil CEO.

  The President’s troubles only increase as a mistress comes forward, claiming to be carrying his child; his wife sues for divorce; and the dictator of Venezuela invades neighboring countries to control their oil, and threatens the U S with an attack of donated North Korean nuclear missiles if the U S tries to intervene.

  And this is only a small part of this tangled tale of intrigue and struggle for power. Diego and the President each try to take control of this out of control situation. But many surprising twists and turns finally lead to an unexpected resolution.

  Take a look on Kindle - click: amzn.to/18aUsF9

  Divas in Cahoots

  Heiress Bella Harrington-Crenshaw Found Murdered – that was the shocking headline that rocked the quiet and complacent Santa Fe social scene. And one of their own just might have been the murderer. What rancor could have caused one of these sweet, mild tempered ladies to commit such an atrocious act? Or were there other unknown forces at work? International spies, senatorial murder, blackmail, art theft, hidden identities, and a masquerading drag queen, all humorously complicate a simple resolution to this tangled mystery. First introduced in Divas Never Flinch, this cast of irascible characters returns with new delights and magnificent battles.

  Take a look on Kindle – Click: amzn.to/145UReM

  The Hunt for the Lost Treasure of Lower Kal Ory

  This book is a bit different from the others – it is for kids 10-15

  Trang, Bindu, and Squeaker expect the return of their parents from a mysterious trip abroad. Trang, the eldest, has been in charge of the family while the parents are away. But when the parents don’t return on the expected date the kids decide to try and find out where they might have gone and begin a search in their inventor father’s secret workshop for clues. The kids find their father’s and mother’s journals and a treasure map. Then they must solve the puzzles in the journals to find the paths that will lead them to the treasure and their parents.

  However, an associate of their father’s, Dr. Kropulent, wants to steal the journals and find the treasure for himself. But the kids evade him by escaping in their father’s time machine - setting off on a journey to different countries and through different times - following clues that will lead them to their parents and the treasure.

  Take a look on Kindle – click: amzn.to/145TgFX

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  About the Author

  Unemployed – Oh yes, just at the beginning of what they qu
aintly call the Great Recession. What to do? I cleaned out all my closets, categorized my recipes, actually cleaned under things, and yet I was still banging around my little abode like a house fly trying to escape through the screen.

  Then a dear friend suggested I read the works of E.F. Benson, a British writer from the 1930’s and 40’s. I was just in the mood for his amusing tales of a group of society women in a small English village. Oh the shenanigans. There was more intrigue and manipulation amongst these ladies than within the Balkan countries before World War I. I was totally hooked. I read all of his Queen Lucia books and slowly realized how the social scene of my own little town of Santa Fe, New Mexico resembled the society in this small English village. Then lightning struck. And out of this electrical incident came Divas Never Flinch my first satirical novel.

  Now I had written before – but not fiction. I’d written stage and screen plays – all unsuccessfully, except for a performance of one of my plays at the Mark Taper Forum in Los Angeles. So Divas was my first venture into fiction. Many short stories (collected in Gotta Dance with the One Who Brung Ya), and other novels followed. And I find that I am most content writing fiction. And to my surprise I seem to have a penchant for dry humor. Who woudda thunk it? In any case I hope you enjoy my stumbling efforts.

  .

  Author’s website is: http://www.jonmcdonaldauthor.com/

  Questions or comments? Let me hear from you: jon@jonmcdonaldauthor.com

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