Crazy Little Thing

by Layce Gardner

  Begonia smiled warmly. “I could detoxify your feet and G-Ray’s buttocks at the same time.”

  “He already told you about his tocks?” Ollie asked.

  “He didn’t have to tell me. I saw the blip in his aura.”

  “And you didn’t think it was weird?”

  G-Ray interrupted, “Begonia doesn’t do labels, man.” He opened the door to Claire’s Pumpkin Spice car and invited Begonia to sit.

  As Ollie watched them, she had two simultaneous thoughts: An orange car is easy to spot in a parking lot, and G-Ray was experiencing love at first sight.

  Don’t Eat The Stuffing

  “We’ll be needing another place setting,” G-Ray said. He waved his hand in front of Begonia like a magician making her appear from thin air. “This is Begonia. I found her in the spice aisle.”

  Scarlet and Claire were in the kitchen up to their elbows in turkey, cranberry sauce and potatoes. Scarlet wiped the back of her hand across her forehead, leaving a trail of ooky brown something. She took one look at Begonia and said, “This isn’t a homeless shelter. I’m sure even Des Moines has a Salvation Army.”

  Begonia smiled beatifically at Scarlet. “You know, if you stopped eating red meat your constipation problem would clear up.”

  “What?” Scarlet gasped. She looked around, her mouth opening and closing like a beached fish. When nobody stepped forward to defend her honor, she closed her mouth and made a harrumphing sound.

  G-Ray chuckled and led Begonia to the living room. Once she was gone, Scarlet whispered angrily to Claire, “How’d she know I was constipated? Have you been telling everybody?”

  Claire rolled her eyes. “Contrary to popular belief, not everybody is interested in absolutely everything about you.” She threw down her dishtowel and left the kitchen in a huff, leaving Ollie and Scarlet alone.

  Ollie unpacked the grocery bag. Which took all of two seconds because there were only four things in the bag – four things they could have done without. There was an uncomfortable silence in the room, but Ollie didn’t really care. In fact, she rather enjoyed watching Scarlet stew in her own juices.

  Oscar waddled into the room with Meyer on his back. I should get G-Ray to video them, she thought. We could make a fortune on YouTube. Oscar looked up at Ollie as if to say, “Aren’t I cute? Isn’t Meyer cute? Can I have some food now? The house smells like Thanksgiving and we are starving.”

  Okay, so maybe Ollie was anthropomorphizing a little, but she still gave Oscar and Meyer each a tiny bite of turkey gizzard.

  “I don’t think it’s wise to get animals used to the taste of meat,” Scarlet said. “I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing they were sizing up my ham hocks.”

  Ollie thought, “Your ham hocks have been so chemically altered, peeled, sucked, prodded and genetically mutated that no animal would want to eat them.” Thankfully, she only thought that and didn’t say it. Instead she said, “What is a gherkin anyway? Is there a gherkin tree out there with pickles on it?”

  “You make no sense to me,” Scarlet said. “But I do occasionally find you amusing.”

  Ollie picked Oscar’s dog food bowl up off the floor and sat it on the counter. She poured dried dog food into it. Why was it that Scarlet could piss her off so bad with only one little sentence? What did Scarlet mean that she amused her? It was like Scarlet was a queen who waved her soft tiny hand and commanded, “Send in the dwarf. She amuses me.”

  “Who is that Petunia woman?” Scarlet hissed.

  “Her name isn’t Petunia. It’s Begonia. She says cumin is a good detoxifier for your feet.”

  Ollie watched Scarlet peek around the kitchen doorway into the living room. “She’s touching my wife. I don’t like her hippie dippy hands touching my wife.”

  “Actually, she’s not your wife. She’s still my wife. And Begonia isn’t hippie dippy. She’s a Guardian Angel.”

  “Yeah, and I’m Cinderella,” Scarlet said. “Hand me that bowl of stuffing behind you.”

  Ollie grabbed the bowl and handed it over to Scarlet. She watched as Scarlet spread the turkey’s legs and stuck her entire fist inside the cavity. Ollie shivered. Seeing Scarlet’s fist inside any cavity gave her the heebie-jeebies.

  Scarlet stuffed the bird while Ollie put the dog food bowl on the floor. Oscar dove into his food and made a lot of little piggy noises. Which was unusual. Normally Oscar ate in tiny little bites.

  Ollie took a closer look at Oscar’s food.

  Shit.

  Ooooh, shit.

  Ollie looked at the turkey.

  Scarlet was shoving dog food up the bird’s ass and Oscar was eating the stuffing. She had given Scarlet the wrong bowl!

  Ollie had to make a quick decision. She could either grab the bowl away from Oscar and ‘fess up to Scarlet which would earn her a tongue lashing (and not the good kind either), or she could keep quiet.

  Ollie made her decision. She kept quiet.

  G-Ray sauntered into the kitchen. “Dood, can I help with anything?”

  “Yes, I have a job for you later, providing you know what you’re doing,” Scarlet said.

  “I am a man of many talents. What is my mission?”

  “Do you know how to carve a turkey?”

  “Well, I’ve sculpted some pretty gnarly sand castles. It depends on the medium. Do you want me to carve a turkey out of sand, butter, or a block of ice?”

  Scarlet sighed heavily. “I meant carve as in cutting the meat off the turkey.”

  “Oh. Well, I can do that, too.”

  Ollie walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. She sat on the couch and watched Begonia who sat cross-legged in the middle of the floor. Her eyes were closed and she was making a weird humming noise.

  “Don’t eat the stuffing,” Ollie whispered. “And that’s all I’m saying.”

  Begonia Speaks

  The camera focused on Begonia. The screen filled with her smiling face.

  “Hi, my name is Begonia. It’s not my real name. It’s my chosen name. My real name is Ashley Taylor Tillman. I descended from the Tillmans of North Carolina. I come from a long line of money. I went to private schools all over Europe and was a debutante. It was expected of me to marry rich and end up being a senator’s wife. Or maybe even First Lady. I shocked everyone by running away with the Hare Krishnas instead. I stayed with the Hare Krishnas for two years then struck out on my own. I never really want for money. My mother won’t talk to me, but daddy has made sure I have a line of credit at any bank I choose. That’s what funds the Guardian Angels. I am the president, treasurer and sole member of the organization. But I’m thinking about letting G-Ray become a member.

  Even though I’m not with the Krishnas any longer, I still am a vegetarian. But even if I did eat meat, I would not have eaten that particular turkey. It was dreadfully undercooked. After dinner I soaked everyone’s feet in a warm cumin bath, hoping to detoxify their bodies before the sickness settled in. As you can see… I wasn’t successful.”

  The camera panned back. And back. And back. Until the screen was filled with a shot of Claire, Scarlet, and Ollie lying on the sofa, the floor, and the chair, respectively. They had their pants rolled up knee-high and their feet were yellow from the cumin bath. They all held their bellies and moaned. Even Oscar and Meyer were lying on the floor with their forelegs in the air – if they’d stuck with the boiled gizzard they’d have been fine but both had joined in the festivities and taken a helping of turkey.

  Claire was draped across the sofa. She suddenly clasped her hand over her mouth and dashed from the room. The sound of violent retching was heard from the kitchen off-camera.

  This began a domino effect: Ollie gagged. She sat up straight in the easy chair, grabbed a trashcan that was by her side and did a great impersonation of Mount St. Helens erupting.

  Scarlet bolted upright from her position on the floor. She rushed from the room with both hands covering her butt, chanting, “Omigod, omigod, omigod…”

&nb
sp; Begonia shook her head and looked into the camera. “The good news is Scarlet’s constipation problem has been resolved.”

  Oscar ripped a loud, obnoxious fart. Meyer squeaked and hid under the sofa with his tiny paws covering his face.

  G-Ray strode into the room. He was bathed in sweat and was a weird shade of green. If he’d been about three feet shorter he would’ve looked right at home in the Emerald City. He took a shaky breath and said, “I’m purging from every orifice, man. All the toxins are leaving my body. When this day is over, I’ll be as pure as a newborn baby.”

  “Far out,” Begonia said.

  The screen went to black.

  The Turkey Hits The Fan

  The following afternoon, Claire dragged herself into the kitchen. Scarlet was already there with a cup of coffee in her hand. Claire poured herself a cup and plopped down at the table.

  “You look like you lost weight,” Scarlet said.

  Claire scowled at her.

  “Don’t be snarly. I was just trying to point out the silver lining. You’re now the size you’ve been wanting to be.”

  “The size you have been wanting me to be,” Claire said. “I’m perfectly happy the size I’ve always been.”

  “Since when?”

  “Since now.”

  They sipped their coffee in silence. Finally, Scarlet said, “This isn’t about the age difference thing again, is it?”

  “Great. First you call me fat and now you’re calling me old. What’s next? You going to call me stupid?”

  Scarlet shrugged. “I’m not the one who went to a community college.”

  “You know, I’m glad you poisoned us yesterday. It gives me a chance to see the real you.”

  “I didn’t poison anybody. That wasn’t my fault.”

  “Oh, really? Then whose fault was it?” Claire asked.

  “That Petunia woman.”

  Claire snarled, “Begonia. Her name is Begonia.”

  “I don’t care if her name is Mother Theresa. She made everyone sick with those stinky foot baths.”

  “How could a foot bath make me throw up? That doesn’t even make sense.”

  “Ask Daisy.”

  “Begonia.”

  “Summer. Sunshine. Flower. Whatever her hippie dippy name is today,” Scarlet said.

  Claire rose and poured herself another coffee. “The turkey wasn’t properly cooked. It was underdone. We got food poisoning. Simple as that.”

  Scarlet held her cup out for more coffee, but Claire ignored her and sat back down. Scarlet sighed. “I followed the cooking instructions to the letter. Why are you blaming me? You’re my fiancé. You’re supposed to be on my side.”

  Ollie entered the room. She looked at her toes and shifted nervously from foot to foot. “It was my fault,” she whispered.

  “How was it your fault?” Claire asked.

  “I mixed up the bowls. Scarlet stuffed the bird with dog food.”

  “What?” Scarlet gasped.

  “What?” Claire echoed.

  Ollie couldn’t meet their eyes. “That’s right. You ate Alpo. Oscar ate the real stuffing. I mixed up the bowls. I didn’t mean to, but I did and then everybody got sick.”

  “That’s gross, but it didn’t make us sick. Dog food wouldn’t give us food poisoning,” Claire said.

  Ollie sat at the table between Claire and Scarlet, saying, “Are you sure? I feel so bad. It was a mistake and I didn’t want to… I don’t know. If only I had told people, then we wouldn’t have eaten that undercooked bird and nobody would be sick.”

  Claire reached out and took Ollie’s hand. “Oh, Ollie, it’s okay. It was mistake. You didn’t intentionally mix up the bowls.”

  Scarlet spat, “Oh, so now you’re feeling sorry for her? I’m the one who shit my pants. Where’s my sympathy?”

  “Not everything is about you, Scarlet,” Claire said.

  Scarlet stood and stared down her perfect nose at Claire. “Oh, I see what’s going on here.”

  Claire quickly removed her hand from Ollie’s. “What? What do you see?”

  “You two have been boinking each other this whole time,” Scarlet accused.

  Ollie laughed. “Boink? I don’t boink. I’ve never boinked in my life. Can lesbians even boink? I don’t think it’s possible.”

  Scarlet glared at Ollie. “Oh, you think you’re so funny, don’t you? You think you can steal my Claire away, don’t you?”

  “Technically, she’s still my Claire. Technically, you would be stealing her away from me,” Ollie said.

  Scarlet raised her voice, “Oh no, you don’t. She’s my Claire. Not your Claire.”

  Ollie stood and went toe-to-toe with Scarlet. “She was my Claire before she was your Claire.”

  “You threw your Claire away! I picked her up and she became my Claire!” Scarlet said.

  Claire rose and stood on her chair. She pointed at Ollie. “I’m not your Claire!” She pointed at Scarlet. “I’m not your Claire!” She pointed at herself. “I’m my own Claire! I don’t belong to anybody but my own self. And I’m not some piece of trash that gets thrown away and then picked back up and recycled.”

  That was the moment EZ walked into the kitchen. Everyone stopped talking and stared at her. EZ rubbed her eyes and yawned. She smiled sheepishly and said, “What’d I miss?”

  Scarlet raised one eyebrow and snarked, “Michael Jackson turned white. He fathered two children, became an alleged pedophile and died of a suspicious drug overdose.”

  EZ gasped. Her bottom lip trembled. Her knees buckled and she dropped to the floor in a puddle. In a matter of seconds she was snoring loudly.

  Ollie said, “I can’t believe you just did that.”

  “That was cruel and unnecessary,” Claire added.

  Scarlet shrugged. “It depends on how you look at it. I’m putting her back to sleep where nobody can trample on her heart. This way she doesn’t have to be somebody’s safety net.”

  “Safety net?” Claire said. “What does that even mean?”

  “It means what it means,” Scarlet said. “I’m your safety net. I’m your back up plan. I deserve more than that.”

  Scarlet’s words pierced her heart. Claire felt awful. Awful and mean-spirited. She swallowed then said, “I didn’t mean… I don’t think of you that way, Scarlet.”

  “Oh no,” Scarlet said.

  “Really I don’t,” Claire said.

  “Oh no,” Scarlet said again. Her face paled. She grabbed the back of her pants, stepped over EZ’s body and ran from the room, muttering “Omigod, omigod, omigod!” She darted across the hall to the small bathroom and slammed the door behind her.

  “Um, Claire?” Ollie said. “This may not be the best time, but you do remember we had planned to take everyone snowboarding today, right? We have the tickets to Sleepy Hollow and everything.”

  “I remember, I remember,” Claire said. She walked across the hall and rapped on the bathroom door. “Honey? Are you almost ready to go snowboarding?”

  A sound erupted from the other side of the bathroom door that defied description. Claire wrinkled her nose and walked away.

  The Bruised Vulva

  It was a lovely afternoon. The sun was bright and the air was cold but not frigid. Ollie was as happy as a pig in slop. She was going to learn to snowboard. Even the fact that Scarlet was there with her fancy schmancy new snowsuit wasn’t enough to dampen Ollie’s spirits. She was fairly confident that her surfing training was going to give her a leg up. Scarlet may have won the contest of Claire’s heart, but Ollie was going to win the contest of snowboarding. Not that it was a competition or anything.

  Sleepy Hollow was a small resort with a beginner’s hill that looked fairly tame by Ollie’s standards. Of course, she and G-Ray rode ten-foot waves so a 35-degree angle ski slope looked possible.

  “Dood, I think we can totally rock this,” G-Ray said to Ollie. They were standing at the bottom of the hill looking up.

  “There’s the half-pipe,�
� Ollie said. She pointed to the side where the terrain park was. It was filled with boxes, rails and jumps. “I can’t wait to shred on that.”

  Scarlet stood behind them fussing with her coat. “I’m not shredding anything. This outfit is brand new.”

  “Shredding means turning. It’s snowboarding lingo,” Ollie said.

  Scarlet was still focused on her coat. “I told them I wanted claret. And what do they give me? Red. Any idiot knows that claret is not red.”

  Ollie bit her lip. Everyone else had rented their outfits. Only Scarlet had said, “Ugh. Wear clothes somebody else has sweated in before me?”

  “Scarlet, it doesn’t matter. You’re only going to do this once. We live in Houston. No one snowboards there,” Claire said.

  “I wish Begonia could’ve come,” G-Ray said. “She said as soon as she gets settled she’d be right on it. I’m thinking she has great potential.”

  “Ugh,” Scarlet said. She rolled her eyes for further emphasis. “If I have to hear one more word about Pansy.”

  “It’s Begonia,” G-Ray said.

  “Make sure you keep the head cam going,” Ollie said, nudging G-Ray in the ribs with her elbow and sliding her eyes in Scarlet’s direction.

  G-Ray sniggered. He knew what Ollie was thinking. Scarlet was going to suck at snowboarding and they would capture it all on video. G-Ray smiled at Ollie who smirked. Yes, revenge was a dish best served cold.

  Their instructor came over. He was tall with black hair and blue eyes. “Are you the Texans?”

  “That’s us,” G-Ray said, shaking his hand.

  “My name’s Steve,” the instructor said. “And I’ll be your coach for the next hour or so.”

  G-Ray introduced everyone. Claire shook Steve’s hand last, saying, “Has anybody ever told you that you look like Elvis?”

  “No,” he said, laughing. “But I do a mean karaoke. So, are you ready to get your shred on?”

  “We are so seriously ready,” G-Ray said.