The Countdown to Thirty

by Nefertiti Faraj

  I began laughing, “I knew Christian made me happy but I didn’t know he could make me glow, damn!”

  “Aagh!” She screamed shaking my arm, “Tell me everything! I’m so mad you’ve been holding back.”

  “I’m not holding back I was planning on telling you everything, trust me.”

  “So tell it girl, don’t be shy, and don’t leave anything out.”

  I screwed my mascara back together and turned to face Sonya, “Well, we’re kind of like together now, an item.”

  “Uh huh,” She said waiting for me to continue.

  “And it’s been fun.”

  “Uh huh,”

  I cracked up knowing she wasn’t going to let me get through the night without spilling all details.

  “Okay, okay. It’s crazy because I don’t see him as the same Christian anymore. It’s different now. He’s almost like someone else, someone knew. He’s sweet to me.”

  I explained to Sonya about Christian pulling out all the bells and whistles when it came to treating me like a lady. Not only did he agree to take things slowly with me, he really meant it and it didn’t stop him from wanting to be around me. He still had his sense of humor which I loved but it was softer now, more compassionate. He enjoyed talking to me every night on the phone before bed and listening to me talk about work or Riley or something funny I saw on TV.

  “Things are just a complete 180 from where they use to be with us you’d think I’d still be freaked out about it. I can’t believe I’m not. It feels…normal.”

  “When it’s right that’s how it’s supposed to feel. Do you think he’s the one?” She asked running her fingers over the arch in her eyebrows to smooth them over.

  “I don’t know. It’s too early to tell. I mean we haven’t gone all the way yet and it’s still brand new. Our families don’t even know about it and I’m definitely not going to be the one to let that cat out of the bag. I could just see Ce Ce throwing a fit right now.” I said shaking my head in annoyance.

  “Why would she be mad? Is she jealous?”

  “I guess she had a crush on him back in the day but that was so long ago. She’s never gotten over the fact that we live in the same city together, she’s just angry.”

  “Hmm,” Sonya said, “Well on a side note when do you think you guys are gonna – you know – have sex?”

  “Sex, oh my God I don’t know. To be perfectly honest, we did come close on Halloween night at his place. But I wasn’t ready, something keeps stopping me.”

  “It’s probably just nerves and bad timing. I really like the sound of Christian. I have a good feeling about you two.”

  “Me to, I’ll tell you every time he holds me, kisses my lips, kisses my neck I get all worked up inside. He’s been attentive. I haven’t felt that in a long time.”

  I knew Sonya’s opinion on men and relationships but what I loved about her was that she wasn’t the type of friend who tried to deter me from mine. She gave me an honest smile as she said, “I’m happy for you. Just be careful and always heed the warning signs.”

  “Yes Mommy,” I laughed as I opened up the car door.

  v

  After the party Sonya dropped me off at home around six then swiftly drove back out of the complex to according to her “go run a few errands.”

  Errands on a Saturday night?

  This wasn’t the first time this week that I’ve noticed her car gone at night for hours at a time. I wondered what she’d been up to but I didn’t want to pry so I didn’t question her. I figured she’d tell me if it was something worth telling. Besides, my butt and thighs were sore from falling on my skates and getting too low for limbo. Wherever she was slipping off too was the least of my concerns right now. Crystal Palace turned out to be all that.

  I reached the top of the stairs and as I went to retrieve my keys from my jacket pocket a chilling wind whipped by causing my teeth to chatter and my body to shiver. I fumbled to get my house key in the lock; my hands were shaking from the freezing cold. From out of nowhere I heard steady and almost silent footsteps ascending the top of the stairs and become planted on the balcony. I froze. Oh God I was about to be robbed. Where the hell is the night patrol! I didn’t even bring my stun gun! The footsteps began again and got louder, and louder when I made up my mind to turn around and face my attacker. I spun around quickly only to gape into the eyes of Malcolm Malone.

  I gasped in terror, “Malcolm.” I said as my keys fell to the ground. I held my heart in place as if it were going to pop out of my chest.

  “Can I come in?”

  He stood there as the porch lights illuminated his black Nike sweat suit and matching beanie. He wore a look of anxiousness as his voice resonated a serious tone like he had an important message to deliver. I became annoyed at the double standard boldness he had to just show up at my place unannounced. If I were to ever pop up at his house he’d throw a fit and accuse me of something crazy like stalking or not giving him his space. This was unbelievable.

  “Not after what you said and did to me, I’m sorry but you can’t.” I said picking my keys back up. I could barely look him in the eye, rejecting him in person was nearly the unthinkable. I’d told myself that what was done was done and that I didn’t need to worry about him anymore. Looks like I was wrong.

  I moved quickly to unlock my front door and close this chapter out of my life – again - but he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

  “Kaia let me talk to you.” He said as he approached me from behind and wrapped his long arms around my body. “I’m sorry baby.” He whispered in my ear while gently placing deceptive kisses on my neck.

  I hesitated as my body grew weak to his touch, his warmth. My mind knew better, it told me I was better than what he was willing to give me. I deserved to be more than his sex toy. But a part of my stupid heart was still weak and in love with this man.

  He tightened his hold around me making me feel needed while he placed more kisses on me making each one more sensual then the last.

  “You told me how you felt about me. You used our break as an excuse to sleep with someone else. It’s over.” I confirmed trying to release myself from his hold. My words were weak though, they didn’t even sound convincing to me, let alone him. He didn’t budge but instead took the keys out of my hand and unlocked the door before leading us into my apartment.

  He took his time making himself comfortable when he used my bathroom, hung up his jacket in my closet and poured himself a glass of wine. Still in awe of him even being here I sat at the breakfast counter and watched him take over my home.

  Finally I spoke up asking him in an exasperated voice, “What are you doing here Malcolm?”

  Putting the wine glass down he walked over to my side of the bar and gently picked up both of my hands, kissing them before he spoke, “We need to stop this, I miss you I told you that.”

  “And you also told me fuck me and I’m not your type. And most importantly you slept with that girl from the gym.” I said snatching my hands back then standing up from the bar stool to elevate my height.

  “Sit down I’m not done talking to you yet. Do you always have to be so damn unreasonable?”

  I stood there with anger and emotions brewing inside of me. Here he was again accusing me of something. Tonight I’m unreasonable but yesterday it was selfish and stupid. I studied his face. He looked like the Malcolm I feel in love with, the Malcolm who captivated and excited me for the past two years, but after being away from him so long a part of me felt like I’d been in love with a stranger.

  After our first personal training session together when he had me focus on strength training and cardio I didn’t care how cute he was, I wanted to kill him for working me so hard. However that feeling didn’t last long and after the workout he invited me to a smoothie on him. He always seemed to keep his cool back then but over the past few months the only emotion I could get from him is unwarranted anger or entitlement to me and my home. How could I let things get this bad with him
that he thought it was okay to just walk into my house and tell me what to do after all this time. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

  I didn’t want to fight with him I just wanted him out. I needed him out so I could think clearly. I sat down on the furthest end of my sectional and suddenly wished Christian were here instead of Malcolm.

  “Listen baby, I didn’t mean to yell but I miss you, I need you. I was just mad about you sneaking up on me at work, spying on me like I was doing something wrong. You know you’re the only woman on my mind all day.” He said kneeling down in front of me as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

  “But you were doing something wrong. You slept with that Nessa girl! It was more than just a personal training session! She didn’t even know about me! You humiliated me!” I cried allowing my emotions take over. Built up tears began to flow nearly from out of nowhere.

  God am I really doing this? Crying over him again? Right in front of his face!

  “And why would she know about you? We weren’t dealing with each other at the time I met her baby. Look, I promise you that that situation with me and her is over. Ever since we made up the only thing I do is train her now. Starting right here, right now, I’m committed to you baby.”

  I was still so attracted to Malcolm not to mention starving for his touch or even Christian’s that I felt myself beginning to soften. With his arms holding me tight and his head lying in my lap he displayed the most vulnerability I’d even seen from him. He was practically begging me for another chance and I wanted to give it to him despite every warning sign that went off in my head. But when I thought about it, our “break” was the longest amount of time we’ve ever gone without talking. It was possible that he just got lonely. Besides I knew some of his clients needed that extra reassurance from a man sometimes, maybe during that time one thing just lead to another.

  I sighed as I wrapped my hands around his freshly shaven head and threw my head back on the sofa pillow as I fought an unmerciful war in my mind. I considered my position:

  I’ve started a brand new relationship with Christian that seems to have come out of nowhere. We have history together but not the same kind that Malcolm and I share. I want a husband and children and Malcom’s already had one unsuccessful marriage and two kids. Plus I need a solid commitment and more of his time that he claims he doesn’t have to spare. The right choice seemed apparent but my stupid heart wasn’t satisfied. I looked over at the leftover bag of Halloween candy Christian and I’d bought and it only made my decision harder. I wished someone else could make this decision for me but it was mine to make.

  “Listen, everything we’ve been through…I can’t just throw it all away. Can you?” He asked looking me in the eyes with the same look he gives when he tells me he loves me.

  I thought it over a moment longer before I made my final decision.

  “I can’t throw it away either,” I replied solemnly as l fought back more water from my eyes and the heaviness of guilt on my shoulders. What was I going to tell Christian?

  “Come here,” he said standing to his feet and pulling me up to comfort me in hug. I hugged him back knowing I made a foolish decision that even I didn’t trust, it was just the easiest decision for me to make at the moment. God I hated being weak.

  That night we cuddled in bed with the music down low as I told him about my trip to visit my family. He offered understanding and solutions like a loving partner should do. He was working to gain my trust back I could tell that much, but when he began to gently stroke me over my pajama shorts I lied and told him I was on my period and couldn’t do it tonight. Being that he was the one who messed up he didn’t make a big fuss about it and held me anyway. His reaction caused me to question if it was genuine or for appearances sake only. Shortly after, I realized he hadn’t given up when he began to massage my breast slowly and sensually. My fluttering hormones from temporary abstinence prompted me to renege on my ‘that time of the month’ lie but I stayed strong. Within no time we both fell asleep.

  When I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, I had to remind myself that I allowed Malcolm back in my life when I saw him sleeping in bed beside me in nothing but his boxer briefs and rock hard abs. I grabbed my phone and after using the bathroom I crept through the dimly lit living room and sat down on the floor with the bag of Halloween candy. I threw a few mini Snickers in my mouth and thought about Malcolm’s reaction if he found out I was dating Christian. I could only imagine the questions he would ask if he knew. He was as much a fan of Christian as Christian was of him.

  Earlier when Malcolm had me tightly wrapped in his arms as he told me he loved me, Christian called for our nightly phone convo. I had no choice but to silence it and let it go to voicemail. My heart sunk to the pit of my stomach as more guilt and unworthiness overwhelmed me.

  I exhaled a heavy breath of air as I began to unwrap a Reese’s and devour it like I’d done the Snickers. I released a quiet laugh when I considered the fact that Malcolm and I’d never spent Halloween or any holiday together. Christian listened, he heard me, he cared about the things I wanted no matter how small…and this is how I repay him, by hooking up with another man who I couldn’t even be sure was going to really do the right thing by me or not.

  I grabbed my phone to listen to the voicemail he left and a tear fell from my eyes. His voice sounded peaceful but disappointed that he didn’t get to talk to me tonight. Damn! I hate that Malcolm put me in this position.

  “Kaia…come back to bed.” Malcolm called out from the bedroom. The haste in his voice prompted me to put the phone down before I got the chance to even send him an apology text.

  While wiping my tears I gathered the scraps of candy wrapper and replied, “I’m coming.” I quickly trashed them before returning to Malcolm’s side.

  “What took you so long?” He asked groggily as he wrapped his arms back around me.

  “Nothing Malcolm, I just made some tea.”

  Pumping his package into me from behind he asked, “You still on your period?”

  “Yes, all night.” I answered hoping to put an end to his growing erection which was hardening against my backside. I closed my eyes and tried hard to imagine it was Christian holding me; that it was him I felt pressed tightly against me and no one else.

  What the hell was I doing?

  v

  The catchphrase “just sleep on it” never applied to me. Usually if I went to sleep with an unresolved issue I always tended to wake up with the same freaking issue, but not this morning. At the crack of dawn I sprang up from my bed in a terrified panic with my arms outstretched pulling at something. I was having a nightmare but I couldn’t remember all the details. The only thing I could recall at the moment was that I was hanging over a ledge or some sort of cliff and was struggling to keep my grip from slipping. It kind of looked like Ivan’s landscape portrait. Out of nowhere a man appeared but I couldn’t see his face, it was a blur. He stood over me watching me as I screamed for his help crying out “Give me a hand! Give me a hand!” When he finally reached down I noticed the familiar mahogany beaded bracelet around his wrist. I felt at ease because it was Malcolm. I loosened my grip and reached for his hand but when I did he pulled it back and I began to fall. I was grasping at empty masses of air when I woke up in terror.

  I was angry, nearly in a rage when I came to my senses and realized what I’d allow last night and how stupid I’d been to let this asshole in my house then in my bed! Christian would kill me if he found out! Hell I was ready to kill myself! God was sending me a clear message that was for sure.

  With a fury I stormed to my closet throwing on my robe then switched the radio on blasting it loud enough so Sonya couldn’t hear a word I was saying.

  “Get up Malcolm!” I yelled snatching my comforter from his body and throwing it somewhere on the floor, “Get the fuck up!”

  He sprang up nearly as quickly as I had and gave me the nastiest look of scorn, “Wait a minute! What the hell are you doing? What are
you tripping about?”

  “You!” I screamed, “I want you up and out now!” I yelled as I walked around the room collecting his pants, then his shirt and hurling them at him.

  “I can’t believe I let you in here. You think you can just keep stringing me along and I’ll always be here like a little stupid dog. I’m not dumb Malcolm and I’m not stupid! Get out!”

  He didn’t listen to me. Instead with his same look of scorn he went for the radio and tried turning it off as if he called the shots around here, a problem I knew I created. I slapped his hand away then picked up one of his shoes and hurled it at his head. He ducked and instead of it slapping against his bald pate it went crashing into the window creating a long diagonal crack from top to bottom. Through all of my rage I’d taken a second to wonder how much that was going to cost me. No way was maintenance fixing that for free.

  “What the hell has gotten into you?” He barked taking my wrists above my head and shoving me into the wall.

  He squeezed them so hard I expected to hear a snap at any moment. The surge of pain when my back and head collided with the wall caught me so far off guard that I couldn’t think, I just began to cry. Not only because of the pain though, but because I was frustrated and angry with this whole turn of events.

  “I want you out! It’s over!” I sobbed, “For good, just leave. Don’t come back.”

  The blank look of shock was written all over his face and maybe even a little disappointment to. He unpinned my hands, releasing me from his tight grip and collected his things. Still sobbing while watching him slip back into his sweat suit I’d hoped that he was equally as shocked by my outburst as I was by his disrespectful pop-up last night. I braced myself, this was it. The official end of Kaia Hammond and Malcolm Malone had come. I felt frozen as I watched two years of fantasies, companionship and love exposed themselves for what they’ve always been, fake.

  “You know what you should’ve been for Halloween?” He asked in a cynical tone. He stood at my bedroom door adjusting his beanie before exiting. The scornful look in his eyes told me he had one last nasty thing to say before he was out of my life once and for all.