Rules of Decorum

by Leigh Lee

  “Doctor?” Her face turned rosy, and he realized she was not as accustomed as he was to the physical closeness that had been necessary over the last few weeks.

  With his hands still on her shoulders, he smiled and lifted his brows. “I mean no disrespect. If you will permit me?”

  At her nod, he instructed her to look up. Gently, he pulled each lower lid down. “Splendid, you are on the road to recovery.”

  She breathed in deeply, and her body relaxed. “You smell like him.”

  He leaned away, not understanding until he noticed the dazed expression and glassy eyes. The medication was finally working. Grinning he asked, “Who is that?”

  A satisfied, whimsical smile met his question. Her hands shook as she reached out to caress his cheeks. “My angel.”

  The touch of her hands jolted Jeff from his professional mien. He gazed into her eyes—so insensible and drunk from her medication. Yet when she leaned even closer and pressed soft velvet kisses to each of his cheeks, he became the intoxicated one.

  Still reeling he lowered her small frame back to the pillows using all the care he would give to the frailest of patients. He gave her a smile and a wink. “There. That was not so terrible. I will return tomorrow to re-examine you.”

  She pulled on his arms, even as her lids drooped. “Please stay.”

  How he wished he could. Placing two fingers to her lips, he shushed her. “Sleep. I will see you tomorrow night.”

  ~*~*~

  Eugenia slept through the rest of the evening and most of the next day, waking only when Mrs. Stewart came to bring her a meal or help her to the privy. Fleeting dreams of Captain Bradford invaded her sleep, and it startled her when she awoke the next evening to find him sitting in the chair next to her bed his hand on her arm. “Doctor, you frightened me.”

  He rose, and for the first time, appeared out of his element. “There is one question I would like to ask you.”

  “What is it?” She watched him beat a path across the room. Even in her weakened state, Eugenia noticed the lines of tension etched into his face. His black hair stuck up haphazardly on his head and a few days’ growth darkened his cheeks. The gold buttons of his long, dark blue frockcoat were undone, showing a rumpled white shirt and hastily knotted black tie. The doctor’s wrinkled gray trousers looked as if he had slept in them, and even his boots lacked their normal polish and shine.

  He turned and looked directly at her. “You see, after you fell ill, well, you could not tell me.” Warmth filled his face. “For weeks I have wondered what to call you. What is your name?”

  She blinked. Of course, he would have no idea. She had passed out moments after he found out she was a woman. “It is Eugenia.”

  “Eugenia,” he repeated, coming closer. “Hello, Eugenia,” he said bending over her. Taking her hand in his, he kissed it, his warm lips creating ripples of bliss on her skin. “It is a pleasure to—formally—meet you.” The sincerity in his bold blue eyes told her he was not mocking but honestly meant it. He smiled, and patting her hand, he lowered it to the bed with obvious reluctance.

  Unaware that her mouth had dropped open Eugenia watched him move away. Even in this desperate situation, where she lay weak and unable to fend for herself, she still found it a thrill to be in the same room with him. An electrifying air of confidence and vitality preceded him into any space and traveled through the air, tantalizing her long before they were close enough to touch.

  Her mind wandered back to the way he had acted when he first saw Victoria. Though she had thought his behavior silly back then, she found being on the receiving end of his attentions, very pleasant. More than pleasant—she loved it.

  “Do you remember my visit yesterday, Miss Johnson?”

  Eugenia was already nodding in answer when she realized he had used her real surname. “How did you know my full name?” she asked, her bliss plummeting into fear.

  “By this.” He reached into his pocket and withdrew her father’s pocket watch. Dangling it from its long golden chain, he handed it to her. “Mrs. Stewart found it in the pocket of your trousers before she discarded them.”

  “Oh—” she breathed. Eagerly reaching for it, she turned it over to look at the engraving, “Property of Michael Johnson,” she read aloud. Her gaze flew to his.

  “Yes,” he nodded, guessing at her thoughts. “I was unsure who Michael Johnson might be until I saw the images on the inside of the watch. You bear an incredible likeness to the woman, whom I assume is your mother.”

  “Yes,” Eugenia breathed, staring at her most cherished possession. “Her name was Clare, Clare Adams Johnson.”

  “Was?” he asked.

  “Yes,” she answered with sadness. “They are both dead.”

  “That explains how you came by the name of Adams. I am sorry. I was not sure if you spoke the truth the day you told me they had passed.”

  Eugenia glanced away, tears swimming in her eyes. “I hated lying to you. Most of what you know about me is true.”

  Captain Bradford appeared stricken and moved to sit on the edge the bed. “I am sorry. I do not mean to cast blame. We can sort out the particulars after you become stronger.” He took her hand in his and gave it a squeeze. “What I meant to say is it is a pleasure to at last know your real name. Though you have only just awakened to our new situation, I have had weeks to grow accustomed to the fact that you are a woman. Throughout your illness, I have wondered what your name might be.”

  There was an awkward moment as their eyes met. His bold stare remained glued to her face, while Eugenia’s flitted away. Seeing her discomfort, he cleared his throat, and his voice became more impersonal. “Uh, now, if you will permit me, Miss Johnson, I must examine you again.”

  The captain followed the same procedure as the day before, checking her pulse and eyes. All of which involved his large hands touching her. However, nothing was quite as tantalizing as when he placed the stethoscope to the swell of her breasts. She opened her mouth to protest, but he begged for silence, closing his eyes to listen.

  When his head leaned near, almost brushing her bosom, her heart pounded faster. After a few seconds, his eyes flew open and his gaze shot to hers with a flash of amusement. “Your heart beats more rapidly today.”

  Eugenia blushed. “I have been sitting up in the chair today,” she murmured. “Perhaps that is the reason? I’m stronger.”

  His lips twitched. “No doubt.” Once he finished his examination and seemed convinced she was still on the way to recovery, he shook his head and clenched his jaw before continuing. “If you are feeling well enough, I have been ordered by the camp’s provost marshal to speak with you.”

  Putting his stethoscope away, he rose to stand at the foot of her bed. Clasping his hands behind his back, his stance became rigid and his expression grew stern. “Miss Johnson, you have caused the Army of the Potomac a great deal of trouble. What to do with you, how to handle this unusual situation, has been a most perplexing problem.”

  The dreaded moment was at hand, and she could not wait another second to learn her fate. “Please, sir, I beg you. Tell me outright. What will happen to me? Am I to be sent to prison or shot?” Tears threatened, and she swallowed hard, choking on her fear. “Please, don’t hang me,” she pleaded. “If I have one last request that would be it. Prison, first, I think. Although death by firing squad is quick and easy,” she rambled. “If imprisoned, could I have books, do you think?” She bit down on her lip, unable to hold back her tears any longer. “Am I asking for too much?

  The captain stared at her with confusion. “So you do remember what transpired the night you fell ill. I was not sure you would.” Noticing her tears, he hurried back to sit on the chair by the bed and grasped her hand. “Please don’t cry. No, you will not be prosecuted. However, as a woman, you will not be allowed to remain with the Medical Corps or any other branch of the military.”

  It was a great relief to learn that she would not be hung as a spy, but his harsh words still rever
berated in her mind. “But that night you said—”

  Unable to meet her eyes, he looked away. “Much was said and it is best not to bring it to the surface until you are stronger. I can assure you that the Army of the Potomac has no desire to prosecute, especially since your record as a sergeant has been exemplary.”

  But what about you? She wondered. What do you desire done with me? Too much of a coward to ask those questions, she looked down. “Thank you,” she whispered. “I am sorry for the trouble I caused.”

  He held up his hand. “Please, if you will allow me, I must say more. Orders from the top have been very clear. First, you are to sign a statement swearing that you have not been associated with any covert plans or activities involving spying on the Army of the Potomac or the United States government. For the time being, you will remain under my command. When you are well enough, you will have to stand before a military review board and appease their curiosity as to why a woman might want to pull off such a stunt. Once they are satisfied that you are indeed not a spy, you will be released to return to civilian life.” He smiled and withdrew a packet of papers from the inside pocket of his coat. “Your discharge orders,” he explained as he handed them to her. “All that is left to do is obtain the proper signatures, which will happen right after the review board adjourns.”

  Eugenia stared at the documents with a mixture of emotions. Sadness, because the last two years would end with but a few pieces of paper, and then this phase of her life would be over. Disbelief, because never once had she considered that a discharge would be the only outcome with no further consequences. Yet now that her real name was public knowledge, the fact that she had murdered a man might become known. Dr. Bradford could do nothing to resolve that terror. She gave the papers a cursory glance and then handed them back to him. “Surely, it cannot be this easy?”

  Seeing her apprehension, Jeff reassured her. “You have nothing to worry about except getting well again.”

  Relief flooded her. She clasped her trembling hands together and closed her eyes against hot tears. To escape prosecution from the military was a blessing, but it did not mean that her trials were over. They never would be. One day the law would come for her, and she would have to pay for Sheriff Dunlap’s death.

  When she opened her eyes, she found Captain Bradford studying her. “Why did you do it?” he asked in a whisper.

  Her heart skipped a beat. The question was as unexpected as his blue eyes imploring with such maddening intensity. Did he speak of the murder? She wanted to flee. With trepidation, she asked, “Pardon, me?”

  Chapter 15

  “Why did you masquerade as a soldier?”

  Dredging up her entire past and confessing her crime was something she dared not do. However, she did tell the captain about her father’s murder, only leaving out what happened in the cabin. Until this moment, she had not shared the grief of her past with another. It was an incredible cleansing of her soul to reveal at least some of the truth. In doing so, a weighty burden lifted from her.

  “I had nowhere to go. My home was destroyed, my father gone. Finding work as a woman was next to impossible where I lived and even then, the compensation was not enough to support me. However, the pay working on the canal lines was good. Therefore, I cut my hair and sought employment there. After the battle at Fort Sumter, all the other lads were signing up to join the cause. I did too. It was so easy.”

  The captain had moved to sit in the chair listening intently. Eugenia clasped nervous hands in her lap when she finished sharing her story. “I realize now that when I began this journey, I was just a girl, so consumed with grief and anger that I could think of little else. Joining the Medical Corps gave new purpose to my life, and I envisioned myself making a difference. What I have found instead is that I am just one of many who have sacrificed and suffered. I have made no huge contribution.” She shrugged. “Oh, perhaps a few small ones along the way. But there has been so much loss since the onset of this war that it is difficult to see what may have been gained by anyone.”

  She paused, fighting for control as tears streamed down her cheeks. “I will turn twenty in a few days, and already I have seen enough blood, suffering, and horror to fill a lifetime.” She swiped at her eyes. “It is good that you discovered who I really am when you did. I am not sure how much longer I could have continued the charade. Each time someone under my care died, I lost a tiny portion of myself, and I was fast coming to the end of what I could bear to lose.” When she finished the telling of it, she lowered her eyes.

  “I am most relieved to hear you are not as young as I thought,” he murmured more to himself than her. Then touching her hand, he recaptured her attention. “Forgive my candidness, but given your stature, and comely features, I find it surprising you tolerated military life. I have read articles in the newspaper about women who disguised themselves as men and joined the army. When they were found out, they were sent home. As an army physician, I never thought it possible to fool the military for long, but you, dear lady, have proven me wrong.” He shook his head as if still in disbelief before continuing. “The hardships you endured prior to enlistment makes the accomplishment nothing short of amazing. To think that after the loss of your father, and with no source of income, you found a way to survive on your own. Any one of those tragedies would have been near impossible for most young men to handle.”

  His heartfelt opinion touched her deeply. She had never looked at her life in this way. “Do you really think so?”

  He smiled. “Indeed I do. Each life you have helped to save using the skills your father taught you is as important as any battle fought.”

  Feeling unworthy of the faith he had in her, Eugenia shook her head and turned away. Captain Bradford urged her back to look at him. “Please, believe me. Every soldier is of the greatest value. Think of John Wells. He survived because of your care and was able to return home to his family a whole man. He will live on to see his offspring grow up. That will forever be a blessing. This is the very reason we in the medical corps strive to save lives, regardless of what it may cost us.” He grasped her hand. “Oh, Miss Johnson, you must realize that your every deed, your every act of kindness has made a great difference. Never think otherwise.”

  His compassion touched her deeper than she expected. All the sorrows endured and buried burst forth from the deep recesses of her heart. Eugenia put her face in her hands and cried for the death of her parents, and for soldier she had watched die.

  ~*~*~

  Miss Johnson’s heartbreak and sorrow as she wept brought tears to his eyes, too. Jeff hurried to sit next to her on the bed and pulled her heaving body into his arms. This war had been hard on everyone. Yet this mere slip of a girl had shouldered as much as any grown man. There was certainly no lack of valor within her.

  She cried until she fell into an exhausted sleep, her hand clutching his. As she slumbered, Jeff leaned back on her pillows holding her nestled against his chest with her head resting in the crook of his arm. As he looked at the tear-streaked face, he could not help but envy the one who would someday win the heart of this brave beauty. Often throughout her illness, he had found himself hoping he could be that man. Reticent laughter caught in his throat as he thought about Sergeant Eugene Adams and Eugenia Johnson being the same. This fact, too, had amazed him many times over the course of the last three weeks.

  When Miss Johnson had first fallen sick, it had been difficult for him to accept that she was a woman and a beautiful woman at that. However, shock over the fact that he had been deceived had dissolved into a more immediate desire to save her life. Throughout her illness, he had drawn on every ounce of his skill and knowledge as a physician to keep her alive, and many times feared he might lose her to death. The time spent caring for her had been healing for him and acceptance happened much faster than he had thought possible.

  He soon realized one hope, that the one who lay unconscious and fighting to survive was still the same person he had known before. The same
values and beliefs were no doubt intact, except that now, there was the added benefit of her being one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen.

  As he strived to heal her body, Jeff found himself wanting to protect her as well. There was a pivotal moment in the wee hours of one morning, while he rocked her fevered body in his arms during one of her fits of delirium when she clutched at him and declared her love for him. From that moment on, he realized he loved her in return.

  Now, as he stared down at her slumbering face, he pondered all his earlier thoughts. He lifted her soft hand in his and marveled at how perfect and vulnerable it seemed. Bringing it to his lips, he kissed her knuckles. In a short time, she had become dear to him. In fact, whenever he was in her presence, it became harder to focus on much else.

  One question continued to plague his mind. What had caused her to act out when he ordered her to accompany him on visits to see Miss Winfred? Now that he knew her to be a woman, he would love to speculate that jealousy might have been the cause of her stubborn refusal to obey him that day. Even as the thought occurred to him, he wondered if it was possible Miss Eugenia Johnson could ever have that depth of sentiment for him. Could her sick bed profession of love have actually been meant for him? As questions continued to play over in his mind, the desire to learn the answers became paramount.

  Miss Johnson stirred and opened her eyes to find him staring at her in watchful silence. She lifted her head and saw their bodies entwined on the bed. Realizing she had fallen asleep in such an intimate and vulnerable position, alarm widened her eyes. She pushed away. “Forgive me, doctor, I have not only dampened your shirt with my tears but I have also been so rude as to fall asleep in the middle of your visit.”

  Jeff was reluctant to release her but obliged. Gently pulling away, he stood and lowered her back to her pillow. He knew she had no memory of how often she had fallen asleep with him holding her in a very similar manner during her illness. Though it was understandable she found herself uncomfortable, it saddened him to think there might not be future chances to hold her.