The New Rules for Blondes

by Coppock, Selena

  After that inspired meeting, I did see Leah around at open mics, and in time a fantastic friendship blossomed between us. She organized a comedian book club and invited me to join, which introduced me to gobs of other comedians. The “book” part of the book club never really got off the ground (does it for any book club?), but we were experts at putting back bottles of wine while gossiping about other comedians. I began coproducing a show in the basement of a pizzeria/VHS rental shop in the East Village, and she was one of the first people who I booked. She booked me on the show that she coproduced in the West Village and took me on the road with her a few times. (Yes, the Leah in the Constantine stalker story is this Leah—she enabled my Constantine addiction that day but didn’t judge me for it, bless her.) Through our years of performing together, Leah remained confident, hilarious, and witty, and I slowly got better at standup.

  We coproduced and coheadlined a standup show in Boston called “Comedy Rivalry” where we played up the Wayland-Weston rivalry for laughs. The posters for that show were a fantastic contrast—me in an old maroon Weston jacket with my blonde hair reflecting the sun and Leah in a black-and-orange letterman jacket from Wayland, her brown hair just brushing her shoulders. We were an unlikely picture of friendship. We packed a comedy club in Boston’s Faneuil Hall and brought down the house.

  Leah’s friendship has gotten me through some tough times, as well. I knew that this was a blonde-on-brunette friendship for the long haul when we both went through some dark eras simultaneously. The causes of our sadness were very different, but we were glad to have each other as we each needed a partner in wallowing. Sometimes you don’t want a pal who will tell you to look on the bright side—you want a pal who will agree that everything sucks and just cry with you. During those times, Leah and I often ate dinner at a kitschy restaurant in the East Village because we knew that nobody would bat an eye if we started crying into our respective, but matching, stir-fry entrées.

  Now Leah lives in Los Angeles, so our friendship has been split between two coasts. Initially, I worried that her move across the country might weaken our friendship, but it hasn’t. On the short weekends when she comes back east, Leah jokes that she only has time to visit with the “varsity squad” of friends, and I’m proud to be part of that elite crew.

  When I was fifteen, if you had told me that someday one of my best friends would be a sporty brunette Warrior from Wayland, I would have told you that you have quite an imagination. But Leah has taught me so much about standup and self-love that I hate to imagine what my life would be like if I had never met her. I’m so glad I jumped at the chance to befriend a brunette. A brunette from my rival hometown, no less!

  FAQs with Selena

  How should one answer the question “Do you color your hair?”

  Ah, the inevitable, nagging existential query of blondeness. Here’s the least helpful answer ever: Respond with whatever you are comfortable with. I know—I’m the worst! What am I, a jag friend whose relationship “advice” is the bullshit line that you should just “be yourself”? Fuck that! If I were myself when meeting guys, I’d fart and let my roots grow out—both are bad news. But back to the question at hand. The correct answer to this question depends on your personal preference as far as candor. There are two options when answering this type of question: You can use the playfully evasive line “Wouldn’t you like to know?” paired with a mischievous hair toss maneuver. Or you can actually answer the question and wave your flag of fake blondeness (or “blondeness with assistance”) proudly. I usually respond by saying, “I was born blonde, so technically it’s natural . . . but now I give it a little help.” Nobody needs to know that “a little help” is code for “I spend three hours and hundreds of dollars one Saturday every two months to cover up the darker hair that somehow springs from my head. This is my happiness—don’t judge.” Use the response that works for you. If you’re more comfortable avoiding the question, then by all means avoid the question. You don’t owe this person anything, much less information about your sweet weave.

  What do you say to nonblondes who tell you that they wish to color their hair and become blondes?

  Some days I am tempted to shout, “Welcome to the light side!” and embrace these people. Other times I’d prefer to say, “We’re full up, thank you,” because I’ve got enough competition in this group already. More often than not, though, I welcome these newbie blondes and take them under my platinum wing. I’ll be honest with them, though—being blonde ain’t cheap. Check your finances and make sure that you can handle the demands of blondeness: the trips to the colorist, the gentle shampoo for colored hair,103 the purple shampoo to prevent brassiness (if you’re into ashiness),104 the conditioner to keep dyed hair from getting brittle,105 and the ten-foot pole to fight off admirers.

  How often do you wash your hair?

  Truthfully, not much. Before you recoil and imagine the overpowering smell of body odor that must cloud around me like the Peanuts character Pig Pen, please note that I shower regularly. The bod gets washed—fear not. I just rock a shower cap to protect the delicate ecosystem that is my dope weave. The shower cap is key because you don’t want hair exposed to the humidity of the shower—it’s like a jungle in there106 (quite literally). Just putting your hair in a bun or ponytail while you bathe upright isn’t enough—you gotta get that hair sealed up in the plastic protective covering of a shower cap. I live by a pretty strict hair-washing schedule, and I take many variables into consideration: what activities I am doing on a given day, who I might see, what the weather has been like and will be like today, what season it is, if wearing a hat is feasible and not too Blossom-y, and if I need a workout.

  Depending on your hair type (thick vs. fine, curly vs. straight), you might require a daily shampoo and infrequent hair-washing might not be the right choice for you. Or you may be a good candidate for my every-couple-of-days hair-washing schedule. I have fine hair but a lot of it, and my hair doesn’t get especially greasy until day three or so. If you have thicker hair or hair that’s prone to become greasy more quickly, this schedule might not work for you. But if you have somewhat dry, fine hair, what I’m about to share might change your life forever. My personal day-by-day breakdown is this:

  Day 1: Wash hair with a color-safe shampoo and a conditioner on the ends only. Apply product to damp hair (as mentioned in Chapter 7), then blow-dry with a paddle brush for most of your head and a smaller brush for trickier, face-framing sections. Wear hair straight and somewhat flat. Deal with flatness knowing that tomorrow, your weave will be big and bouncy.107 Day 2 hair is worth the wait.

  Day 2: Shower with a shower cap. Curl hair with curling iron. (I favor a 1.5-inch barrel iron for big, casual waves. Warning: 1.5-inch barrel curling irons are a bit harder to find than smaller curling irons.) After curling, brush out the curls a bit for shape, looseness. Spray a bit of hair spray over entire head to lock in style.

  Day 3: Recurl if necessary. Wear tresses in a high bun or ponytail, or clipped back half up and half down. Hairstyles like half up, half down require some volume and texture at the roots (for a ’60s style that I favor), so days 2 and 3 are ideal for wearing that style.

  Day 4: If you can handle it, rock a super-smooth ponytail on day 4.

  Day 5: Shower and wash your hair, would ya?

  What are your thoughts on color-enhancing products like Sun-In? Lemon juice? Beer? Cranberry juice? Coffee?

  This question takes me back to eighth grade, when grunge music was big, flannel shirts were bigger, and all my friends were buzzing about DIY hair coloring courtesy of Sun-In, lemon juice, cranberry juice, coffee, and, yes, even beer. I think that I experimented with Sun-In during eighth and ninth grade, but I can’t exactly remember because nothing traumatic happened. That’s more than I can say for some brunette friends who ended up with freakish traffic-cone-colored hair thanks to Sun-In overdoses. Yikes. So my conclusion is that Sun-In can work if you are already blonde. For people with red or brown hair or darker,
using Sun-In will be much like visiting Atlantic City: Be prepared to gamble and look like trash.

  As for the “natural” hair color route of lemon juice (for blondes), cranberry juice (for redheads), and coffee (for brunettes), I think it’s worth testing out if you’re intrigued by it. These liquids aren’t permanent dyes, so you can’t do much damage, and experimentation is fun! And what about the beer in question? Supposedly, pouring beer on your hair will make it shiny. This idea was quite popular when my sister Laurel was in high school and she gave it a try. My parents were suspicious of the notion that shiny hair required their fifteen-year-old daughter to disappear upstairs with a can of beer and assumed that they were being had. Laurel insisted that she wasn’t simply trying to score alcohol and that beer was indeed supposed to make your hair luscious and shiny, and eventually they believed her. Well, they believed her enough to pour half of a can into Tupperware, and she took that to the bathroom, where she dumped it over her head in the shower. Was her hair any shinier? Not really. But it was a worthwhile exercise that opened a dialogue about adolescent hair experimentation between a teenage daughter and her concerned parents, so it was an important rite of passage.

  Who is your favorite blonde icon?

  Without a doubt, Miss Piggy. Her hair is always phenomenal, she has tons of fantastic outfits, and she doesn’t suffer fools gladly. Though I wish that she’d stop pining after the wimpy Kermit the Frog and move on. What about a date with Fozzie Bear? He’s a comedian—wouldn’t that be fun? Might get tiresome, though. What about Animal? I bet he has great connections to good parties and concerts.

  Do you wear yellow?

  Hell to the no! Because of my brassy, golden-blonde hair, a yellow outfit would make me resemble a banana. A fantastic banana who is spouting off witty quips and zinging them left, then zinging them right, but a banana nonetheless. Usually yellow clothing plus golden-blonde hair gives you a uniformity that is unflattering to all. I will admit to one blonde who looks fantastic in yellow, though: former Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky. Initially, she was one of the many women on The Bachelor who fought for the affections of Jake, the uber-corny pilot. That season was known as The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, and I wish I were making that up. Ali appeared in multiple different yellow dresses and looked stunning every time. So I’ll concede that some blondes can wear yellow, but not this blonde.

  What are your thoughts on highlights?

  My feelings about highlights are “Do it and do it and do it and do it . . . and do it again,” to quote that band of modern-day poets, the Black Eyed Peas. If you want some highlights, go for it! Highlights are a fun and easy way to play with color and dip your toe in another shade. In the fall and winter, red and brown lowlights are fun for a change of pace. Then, as soon as Punxsutawney Phil peeks his freaky groundhog head from his underground lair, start in on some champagne or goldenrod highlights.

  How young is too young to start coloring hair?

  Good question! I don’t advocate for any hair coloring among the Toddlers & Tiaras or Honey Boo Boo set. Kids should learn to appreciate their natural hair color, or at least make peace with it before they enter into a lifetime of changing it. The first fifteen years of life should be spent with whatever natural color you got. That undamaged, virgin hair will be beneficial in the long run. Then, once a kid is fifteen or sixteen, he or she can launch in on a lifetime of hair coloring.

  When you go swimming in a pool, do you worry about your hair turning green?

  Yes, and that is why I haven’t dunked my head underwater in a decade.

  What’s your favorite breed of dog?

  Golden retriever.

  What’s your favorite type of brownie?

  A blondie.

  Conclusion

  Sometimes, blonde life can seem like a Sisyphean task of constantly visiting the colorist for touch-ups and enduring unending blonde jokes. It might seem as hard as sacking the quarterback during the fourth down, or dating a man with great hair, or befriending an intimidating brunette from your rival hometown, or lasting through a Guns N’ Roses cover band concert without being punched in the face. On bad days, being blonde even feels as difficult as doing your own highlights at home (something that isn’t just difficult—it’s damn near impossible to do well). But it’s also a glorious life, when you’re following in the well-worn path of legendary blondes such as Marilyn Monroe, Madonna, and Dolly Parton. Those blonde icons both fulfilled and flouted stereotypes, which is the best way to keep people on their toes. And you, dear reader, know how to keep people guessing because now you know thyself and you know how to work the weave and you aren’t afraid to run in heels and you’re smart as a whip because you’re a classy gal.

  A brunette pal once taught me a brilliant saying: “I am who I am without apologies.” Without getting too touchy-feely or delving into “the last five minutes of a Full House episode” territory, the most important lesson here is self-love. The best way to go through life is to love yourself, take care of yourself, have your own back, and be your own first blonde bestie (you can work on forming a blondetourage later). Be proud of who you are and what you do, even if people assume that you’re a helpless, vain moron because of your dope hair. Even if people say your hair is brassy or your roots are showing or your hair color makes you look like a trashy hooker (I’ve been there!)—if it makes you happy, that’s all that matters. Whether you’re ashy blonde or California platinum or, heck, even a nonblonde, learn to love you for you because you’re fantastic and special and don’t need to apologize to anyone for it—you shine, literally.

  Acknowledgments

  A huge thank you to Team Blonde: Stephanie Meyers, Elizabeth Evans, and Amanda Bergeron. Stephanie, you envisioned The New Rules for Blondes and you let me explore and execute—I am eternally grateful to you. Your vision and input on the early chapters were invaluable. My agent Elizabeth, your unending patience with me and confidence in this project kept me going. Thank you for making my dream come true. And my lovely editor, Amanda, your enthusiasm and positivity are an inspiration. Thank you for having faith in me and not vetoing even my most bizarre jokes.

  Thank you to everyone at the Jean V. Naggar Literary Agency: Jessica Regel, Tara Hart, Jennifer Weltz, Ariana Philips, and Michelle Weiner at CAA. Everyone at It Books and HarperCollins Publishers has been so helpful and making me feel so welcome. Thank you to Kevin Callahan, Joel Cáceres, Joseph Papa, Liz Esman, Elissa Cohen, Mary Elizabeth Constant, and Karen Dziekonski.

  I owe a debt of gratitude to my wonderful friends who helped me with the book either by contributing expertise, sharing in these experiences, reading early chapters, or confessing to hair horror stories: Suzanne Thornfeldt, Jackie Hassell, Kendra Cunningham, Alison Sager, Glennis McCarthy, Alison James, Ginny Van Alyea, Sara Benicasa, Kambri Crews, Jillian Bell, Sarah Baker, Kristen Johnson, Nikki Glaser, Stephanie Shoemaker, Paul Case, Christian Polanco, Kevin Tracy, Tomas Delgado, Dmitry Komis, Danny Leary, Leah Dubie, Alexa Berk, Heidi Edsall, Mary Beth Betancourt, Michael Robinson, Jeff Simmermon, and Roman J. Watson. Big ups to my brilliant pal Scott Patterson of Point B Productions for creating the trailer and Thank you to its stars: Amy Clearwater, Kate Hendricks, Amy Bjork, Georgia Read, Mara Herron, Alison Leiby, Bobby Mort, and Greg Johnson. A special thank-you to Suzanne for being my best friend since nursery school and my partner in crime throughout many of the adventures detailed in this book. As we always say, sometimes you have to go through brownish lowlights to experience platinum-perfection highlights.

  Thank you to the people who fostered and supported my comedic voice early on: John Minigan at Weston High School, Will Luera at ImprovBoston, Rick Jenkins at the Comedy Studio, plus Tim Paul, Sue Constantine, and Calvin Swaim.

  Finally, my eternal gratitude to Laurel, Bobby, Emily, Jon, and Maren. You have all been so supportive and excited every step of the way and it has meant the world to me.

  About the Author

  Selena Coppock is a standup comedian, storyteller, and wr
iter based in New York City. Her writing has also been featured on TheFrisky, McSweeney’s, and The Collared Sheep. Her storytelling abilities have been showcased at shows around the country, including RISK! (live show and podcast), Stripped Stories, and, at The Moth Story Slam (where she tied for first place with her “After Hours” story in March 2011).

  She has studied both improv and sketch comedy extensively, training at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater (New York), ImprovOlympic (Chicago), and ImprovAslyum (Boston). Selena has earned spots in a multitude of comedy festivals, including the Boston Comedy Festival, New York Comedy Competition, Detroit Comedy Festival, North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival, the Out of Bounds Festival, the Ladies Are Funny Festival, and the Women in Comedy Festival.

  On TV, Selena has been seen on Big Morning Buzz Live (VH1), The Revolution (ABC), and The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet (Fox) and online on RooftopComedy.com, CollegeHumor.com, ComedySmack.com, and PMSports.com. She has also been featured as Time Out New York’s Joke of the Week, and in the Boston Globe, LA Weekly, Boston Metro, and the Boston Phoenix.

  The New Rules for Blondes is her first book.

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors.

  Credits

  Cover design and illustration by Amanda Kain

  Copyright

  THE NEW RULES FOR BLONDES. Copyright © 2013 by Selena Coppock. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.