“Jazmin, what’s wrong? What did I say?”
“I haven’t been upfront with you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I…”
The waitress came to check on us to see if we needed anything, and I was grateful for the interruption. It was enough time to take a breath and prepare myself for the inevitable. Still, I hoped he would be understanding and not write me off completely. After she refilled our water glasses and left, Clay glanced at me, concern showing on his features.
“Finish what you were about to say.”
I held my head up, squared my shoulders. Did my best to put on a brave face. “I can’t have children, and I’ve known that for years.”
His eyes widened, and he opened his mouth and closed it like he wasn’t sure what to say. He swallowed hard, and there was a vulnerability about him, almost as if I’d just slapped him.
I waited for him to say something. Anything. But I had completely stunned him. And not only that, but his eyes flashed with sadness and a deeper emotion: devastation.
My heart broke at that moment because my news had done exactly what I’d thought it would. It had driven a wedge between us, and there was no going back.
“Are you sure?” he asked, voice hushed.
“Yes. I have endometriosis, and the doctor told me that coupled with my age… It’s not going to happen.”
“God can do a miracle. I know He can.” There was so much hope on his face, I wanted to cry.
“God does miracles all the time, but that doesn’t mean He’s going to make me able to have children. This is the limitation He’s given me, and I’ve learned to accept it.” Hesitating, I smoothed a few strands of hair behind my ear. “I understand you have a different vision for your future, and I don’t want to hold you back. I should have just told you in the beginning, but no one else knows and it’s not something I talk about.”
“If we pray really hard…”
I couldn’t restrain the tears that were already rolling down my cheeks. Using my napkin, I hastily wiped them from my face and stood, pain washing through me like tiny pieces of glass scraping against my skin. “Excuse me. I need to use the bathroom.” I strode to the other side of the room, needing to get away from him or I would completely lose it.
The lavatory was not where I thought it was, and I had to double back and walk past Clay in the other direction. Normally, I wouldn’t care, but, today, I felt humiliated…as if nothing I did was right. When I finally made it, I was thankful to find the restroom was a single room, not a larger space with multiple stalls. I took a paper towel and wet it at the sink and then wiped my face.
Lord, he’s responding exactly how I thought he would. Why did you let me meet him if you knew it wasn’t going to work out?
There was no answer to that question, and the silence seemed to mock me. I understood that God allowed trials in our lives and sometimes that took the form of specific people. Still, I didn’t want Clay to be one of those people. I wanted more with him.
When we’d met six months ago, I had a strong reaction to the man with the bushy beard and longish hair. At first, I’d seen his frankness and gruff manner as off-putting, but it hadn’t taken long to see the kindness in his heart, and from that moment on, I’d been a goner. He’d won me over, but I shouldn’t have allowed our relationship to progress this far. I’d tried to resist in the beginning, to keep him at arm’s distance, but he’d broken down my walls and made me consider a future with him.
I did my best to give my clients sensible advice, but when it came to myself, I couldn’t think straight around Clay Drover. Closing my eyes, I inhaled a breath and then let it out slowly. I squared my shoulders. Held my head up high and walked back to the table, taking note that he’d already paid the bill. “Thank you for dinner, Clay. Can you drive me home? I’m not up for caroling tonight.”
He nodded and stood to his feet. “If that’s what you want.” He had a resigned expression on his face, the kind a man had when his favorite sports team was about to lose. That, more than anything else, made my stomach turn with nausea. He wouldn’t try to convince me to change my mind because he already knew it was pointless.
We were quiet as he drove me back to the house, neither of us attempting to make conversation. It was torture, but I told myself it would be over soon. When he finally pulled up to the driveway, I cleared my throat.
“I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner. For the rest of my time here, I think it’s wise if we keep our distance. We’ll have to interact at the wedding, of course, but we’re both capable of being civil.”
“This is not what I want.” His voice was cold and distant and he sounded like a completely different person. Not at all like the Clay I’d come to know.
“It’s not what I want either, but—”
“Then don’t break up with me. Have faith that God can do anything.” He took my hand and laced his fingers through mine. “He can give us the children we both want.”
It almost seemed as if he were just saying the words for my benefit. I wasn’t even sure he believed it.
“Are you willing to…” My voice broke, and I inhaled sharply, not able to speak through the intense emotion shooting through my veins.
He waited quietly, patiently, until I was ready.
“Are you willing to…adopt?” I turned hopeful eyes to meet his gaze, feeling as if my entire future hung in the balance.
“I told you before that I’m fine with adopting.”
“But you still want your own biological children.”
He was silent for so long my heart sank. “Well, yes, that’s what I’ve always wanted.”
“Let’s just say we got married, hoping God would heal my body and give us a baby.” I turned to face him. “What if… What if He didn’t? What if He chooses not to bless us with biological children? Will you be okay with that?”
His eyes filled with anguish, and the corners of his lips drooped down. “I don’t know.” He spoke the words so quietly, I almost didn’t hear what he’d said. “You’re asking me to let go of something I’ve wanted my entire life.”
It was as I’d thought. A wave of emotion swept over me, filling me with an urgency to get out of the car. I couldn’t spend one second longer with him or I would start sobbing, and I didn’t want to make him feel guilty.
“I’m not asking you to let go of anything.” I turned to open the door, hurt and anger washing through me like the waves of the ocean. Why was God making me go through this? Why was I so cursed?
“Jazmin, wait.”
I didn’t linger to hear what else he had to say on the matter but hightailed it out of there, running towards the front door as if one of Alaska’s critters was chasing me.
I burst through the doorway, planning on heading up to my bedroom so I could be alone, but the entire family was at the dining room table playing a board game, and they all turned to look at me expectantly.
“How did it go, sweetie?” Mom asked, a pleasant smile on her face. “Sabrina told us you were out-bid, but you were able to go out with Clay, anyway.”
I glanced at Sabrina, and she was smiling from ear-to-ear. Hunter was sitting next to her, his arm around her shoulders, and it looked as if he’d never let her go. As if he knew exactly how lucky he was to be marrying the love of his life. I was so happy for them—I really was—but it hurt to know I would never have that. At least, not with Clay. Maybe with someone who already had children, but my heart rebelled against the idea of being with any other man.
No one else had made me feel as cherished and as loved as he had...until tonight. No, I wouldn’t blame him for what happened. There was nothing wrong with wanting children to carry on your DNA, not to mention, I’d surprised him with my news. I didn’t fault him for not knowing what to say, but it still hurt. I pressed my lips together as if the act could hold all the emotions inside, but I knew better. Feelings had a way of manifesting themselves if they weren’t dealt with properly, but at this m
oment, I didn’t want anyone to know what I was going through.
“You should have seen Clay,” Sabrina said. “During the auction, he kept looking over at Jazmin like she was the moon and the stars and everything beautiful about this world. He’s completely smitten with her.”
Her words unknowingly bruised me on the inside, and I swallowed hard.
Mom grinned and rubbed her palms together. “This is so exciting. We’ve got a wedding ahead of us for Sabrina and Hunter and then who knows what the future holds.” She winked at me.
“Yes, very exciting.” It took all my energy to say the words as if I meant them. I would have to tell them what happened eventually, but I didn’t have it in me to do it tonight, not when they all looked so happy for me. It felt as if my heart would rupture at any moment. Like someone was squeezing it so hard it would burst, the explosion rendering a mess of mangled blood and flesh.
No matter what occurred, I refused to let my bad choices affect Sabrina. She and Hunter were on cloud nine, and I wasn’t about to put a damper on their evening.
“Don’t just stand there,” Sabrina said, laughing. “Come join us.”
More than anything, I wanted to run upstairs and hide in my room before Sabrina joined me later. I needed a place to think and pray and collect myself, but if I did that, Sabrina might suspect something was wrong and come after me. That was the last thing she should be doing. This was a joyful time for her, and I didn’t want to ruin it.
Relaxing the tight muscles of my face, I put on a happy expression, pretending everything was okay. I had to do this for Sabrina.
“Sure, I’d love to. What are you all playing?”
Chapter 9
Clay
I didn’t listen to the radio on the drive back to my cabin. I was still reeling from the news Jazmin gave me at dinner and escaping into music would not help the situation. There had to be a solution to this problem, a way for Jazmin to have children, and if there was, I would find it.
Maybe there was a medical procedure that could be done, or she could take a supplement that would make everything right. I knew how ridiculous that seemed, but I’d seen ads for that type of thing and couldn’t let go of the possibility.
When I got home, I put a few logs into the woodstove and then changed into more comfortable clothing. I plopped down on the couch and laid my head in my hands. When I’d dropped her off at the house and we’d parted ways, my chest ached something fierce, but now I just felt numb.
Why Lord? All my life I’ve looked forward to one thing: having a family of my own to make up for the loneliness of my childhood. All these years I waited for the right woman, and when I finally find her, she reveals she can’t have children. How am I supposed to deal with this? I can’t walk away from her, but I want my own children so badly I feel sick about it.
The rest of the evening, I sat in front of the woodstove, my Bible opened on my lap, but I barely registered the words as I read, a restless, irritable feeling sweeping through me. It was as if someone had given me a puzzle, and I had to find a way to make all the oddly shaped pieces fit together.
But they just didn’t fit.
I wanted Jazmin, and I wanted my own biological children.
But I couldn’t have both.
***
The next day I had this urgent sense that I needed to make things right immediately or I might lose her. I called Jazmin to talk, but she wouldn’t answer her phone. I left a message to call me, but when three hours passed and she hadn’t returned my call yet, I decided it was time to stop by the house.
I got there around noon, and it looked as if everyone was still home. Before I even reached the front door, Hunter opened it and smiled wide. “Hey, Clay, what’s up?”
I wasn’t surprised to see him there. Basically, he was wherever Sabrina was, and I could tell the two of them were eager to get married soon. They wouldn’t have much longer to wait, and I envied both of them for that. “Came by to talk to Jazmin. Is she here?”
“Yep. She and Sabrina were just making sandwiches for lunch. Come on in.” He chuckled. “I feel funny telling you to come in when it’s your house.”
I laughed. “I’m glad everyone can make use of it, but I don’t want to intrude.”
“You could never do that, man.”
I stepped in and had a seat on the couch while Hunter went in search of Jazmin. A few minutes later, she walked out, her hands twisting in front of her, dark circles under her eyes. It looked as if she hadn’t slept well, and I hated to think that she might have lost sleep over this whole thing.
“Hey,” I said, standing. “I was wondering if you’d take a walk with me.”
“Oh, I um…” She glanced over her shoulder in the direction of the kitchen. “I’m helping Sabrina make sandwiches for everyone.”
“It won’t take long. Just a short one.”
She still looked uncertain, so I took a step closer and lowered my voice. “I don’t like the way we left things yesterday. Please, Jazmin. Give me a few minutes of your time.”
She breathed out heavily and nodded reluctantly. “Okay, let me help her finish up and then I’ll go with you.” She disappeared for a few minutes and then returned, grabbing a coat from the closet near the front door. We stepped outside, the cold air hitting us at once.
“There’s a small path behind the house.” I handed her two heat packs to put in her pockets to keep her hands warm. “Thank you for agreeing to walk with me.”
She smiled weakly and nodded. “Of course.” There was pain in her eyes, and I wanted to take it away, but I had a feeling only God could heal her heart.
We walked around the house and found the small path parallel to the backyard. Several minutes passed before either of us said anything.
She finally broke the ice. “I still can’t get used to you without a beard and long hair. You’re the same man but…different.”
I ran a hand over my jaw. “When I look in the mirror, I don’t even recognize myself.” We continued walking while I searched for the right words to say. I cleared my throat. “I was doing a lot of thinking and praying last night…and reading the Word.”
Jazmin glanced at me and nodded. “Yeah?”
“I came upon 1 John 5:14-15. And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.”
I let her think about that for a long moment before I spoke again. “If we pray and ask for God to open your womb, I believe He can.”
Jazmin pursed her lips and looked straight ahead, and I sensed her shutting down. “I’m not saying it’s not possible. God can do anything.” Her shoulders tensed. “But that doesn’t mean it’s His will for me to have a baby. It may be that He wants me to learn contentment, to trust Him despite what He hasn’t given me.” Her voice wobbled, and the emotion in the air was palpable.
I didn’t know what to say to that. It was logical and true, but it wasn’t the answer I was looking for. I wanted her to believe it was possible like I did. Together we could make this work, but only if we were on the same page.
“Have you ever done research on fertility?” I asked. “I’ve heard of women taking supplements that helped—”
“Stop.” Jazmin halted in her tracks and looked at me, a fire in her eyes warning me to be careful. “Please don’t do this.”
“I’m just trying to think of a solution.” I stepped closer to take her hand, but she pulled away.
“There is no solution,” she said, loudly, using air quotes, her tone frustrated and hurt. “If there was, I would take it.”
“Maybe there’s something out there you aren’t aware of.”
“There is no easy fix to this problem. People pay tens of thousands of dollars to fertility clinics and much of the time they still don’t get pregnant. I just can’t go through that. The hoping. The waiting.” Her voice broke. “Obsessing over ever
y detail.” She shook her head vehemently. “I’m not getting any younger. If I were in my twenties or thirties that would be different.”
We continued walking, the snowy countryside on our left, the woods on our right, the sky above filled with whitish gray clouds. It was beautiful. Breathtaking even. But I felt sick to my stomach.
“I’ve waited a long time to find someone like you, Jazmin, and now that I’ve found you, I can’t give up.” My breath hitched as we continued to amble down the path. “I love you.” I took her hand and stopped walking so she could look me in the eye and see how much. “I’m so in love with you that it’s ripping me apart to see you upset.” I brushed my knuckles against her cheek and grimaced. “I want us to conquer this.”
She bit down on her lower lip, her shoulders drooping, her eyes welling with tears. “I love you too, Clay, and that’s exactly why I have to put an end to this. You want your own biological children. You’ve made that very clear.” She placed a hand over her heart as if to feel it pounding against her chest. “And I can’t give that to you. We can hope. We can pray. But in the end, if God doesn’t see fit to bless us in that way, you’ll be disappointed and then you’ll resent me.” She shook her head again and shuddered. “I don’t want to be in that position. Disappointing you like that would kill me.” She whirled around and headed back to the house, her stride quicker in an attempt to finish our conversation. “You’ll find someone else. Someone younger.”
I ran after her. “Jazmin, wait. Let’s talk about this some more.” I sounded desperate because I was desperate. “This can’t be the end.”
“It is the end. Just accept it and move on.” The agony in her voice meant she still cared, and that gave me hope.
Taking her hand, I tugged on it until she stopped and turned around. I pulled her against my chest and tightened my arms around her so she’d feel secure in my protection. She was cold and stiff, but the longer we stood there, the more she relaxed and yielded to the hug. I ran my hand up and down her back, warming her, reassuring her of my love. Somehow, I had to make her see she was making the wrong decision by running away from this. I lowered my lips to hers and kissed her softly, tenderly, with great restraint, and yet every move was filled with desire. I continued moving my mouth against hers until tears streamed down her face. I drew back and wiped them from her face with my thumbs.
Christmas With An Alaskan Man (An Alaskan Romance Series Book 3) Page 7
