“I don’t want anyone but you, so don’t tell me to move on.”
She blew out a breath and wouldn’t look me in the eye. “I made a mistake.”
“What do you mean?”
“I shouldn’t have given you my number the last time I was out here.” She brought her gaze to mine, her lip trembling. “I’m so sorry, Clay. If I’d had the courage back then to stay away from you, neither of us would be in this position right now.” She glanced towards the house. “I need to return to the house, but I want to walk on my own.” I was about to protest but she held up a hand. “Please. I can’t talk about this anymore. We both know what we have to do.”
And then she charged back to the house, taking my heart with her, leaving me with an empty shell in its place.
***
That evening I attended the men’s Bible study from my church that met every other Wednesday night. It was a small group of ten to twelve men, and we’d all grown close over the years. My friends, Derek and Hunter, were also a part of it, but Hunter was busy with Sabrina so he probably wouldn’t be back for a few weeks.
We met in the home of a man named Jasper Wallace. He was an older gentleman in his early seventies with grayish hair and a white mustache that sometimes moved while he talked. We had just started the book of Exodus, and this evening we were going through chapter two where Pharaoh's daughter took the baby Moses as her son after she found him in a basket in the river bank. It brought up the discussion of adoption which was ironic considering everything Jazmin and I were dealing with.
After the study, we had a time of sharing and prayer. Jasper asked if anyone had any issues they wanted the group to pray for, and I raised my hand.
“Most of you know I’ve been corresponding with a woman named Jazmin, and she’s visiting right now due to Hunter and Sabrina’s wedding.” I let out a heavy breath and crossed my arms at my chest. “I want to marry her, but, today, she basically cut things off between us because the doctor told her she can’t have children, and she knows that’s something I want.”
Jasper nodded as he appeared to consider that. “I see.”
I sighed. “Please pray that God would give her faith to believe He can do a miracle so we can reconcile.”
Jasper’s eyebrows flew up, his expression indicating he’d taken issue with something I’d said.
“What are you thinking, Jasper?”
He chuckled softly and shook his head. “You sure you want to know? Because I’ll tell you exactly what’s going on in my head.” He was a straight shooter, but it was a quality I had come to admire in him.
“I wouldn’t expect anything less.”
“All right.” He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Sounds like Jazmin doesn’t want to enter a marriage where expectations are put on her to have a child. The doctor has told her one thing, and you’re hoping for another.”
“I don’t want to put expectations on her. I just want her to be open to what God can do.”
“That’s fine as long as you go into the marriage understanding children might not be God’s plan for you.”
“I definitely want children.”
“Well, you can adopt or…” He paused. “Maybe you need to pray about whether Jazmin is the right one for you. Perhaps God put this desire in your heart because He has someone else in mind.”
The words cut straight through me and everything in me rebelled against the notion. “No. There’s no other woman for me.” It came out stern and unyielding, but I didn’t care. Jazmin was the one for me. I knew that in my heart, and the thought of losing her made me jumpy and upset.
Jasper shifted in his seat, his gaze fixed upon me. “Don’t get me wrong. God can do a miracle. I believe that one hundred percent but as with any prayer request, He might say no. Are you prepared for that?”
My brows creased, and I ran a hand along the side of my jaw. “I don’t know.”
“That’s the question you need to answer before you can move forward.” He leveled me with a no-nonsense look. “Faith has the power to move mountains, but prayer works in conjunction with His will. What if it’s not His will? He may be calling you to yield to a different plan.” He waited a few moments for that to sink in. “Looks like you have some thinking to do.”
Chapter 10
Jazmin
Several days passed, and as the wedding grew closer, I prayed that God would help me through the inner turmoil that was taking place in my heart. I wanted to be with Clay more than anything, but I also knew that was impossible.
Please, Lord, give me peace through this. Help me to trust your plan even though I don’t understand it.
I thought about the sermon I’d heard at church the first week we’d arrived. The pastor had preached from Romans 12:1. I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.
As I prayed, I renewed my commitment to the Lord, giving Him my mind, soul, heart, and body. I also gave Him the part of my heart that didn’t like where He had put me in life even though I loved my job and independence. Truly, I was thankful I didn’t have family responsibilities when I was at the height of pursuing my career. But now? I longed for a husband and children and didn’t know what to do with that. Just thinking about it brought tears to my eyes.
“Hey, are you okay?” Sabrina touched my shoulder and looked at me with concern.
We were in our room, and I was ironing the navy-blue dress I was wearing that evening to the rehearsal dinner. I hadn’t shared with her what happened with Clay, not wanting to have an open discussion about it. It was hard enough dealing with this on my own, but if I had to tell the others about my deficiencies… No, I would much rather suck it up until I got back to L.A. At least then I’d have work to keep me busy.
But like it or not, everyone was beginning to figure it out anyway since Clay and I hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in days.
I forced a smile. “I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not.” She gave me a suspicious look. “I’m your cousin, and I’ve known you long enough to know when something is bothering you.” She cleared her throat. “And before you deny it, I know you and Clay must have had a disagreement.”
I’d promised myself I wouldn’t be a bother to Sabrina while she was preparing to get married, so I remained silent and hoped she would move on.
“Look, you don’t want to trouble me because of the wedding. I get it. But it worries me more when you won’t open up.” She crossed her arms and smiled tentatively. “If you want to make things easier on me just talk.”
Wow. It was almost scary how well she knew me, but it wasn’t surprising considering we sometimes finished each other’s sentences. “Fine. Clay and I realized we aren’t as compatible as we thought, so we agreed to part ways. It’s fine. I’m fine. All of it is fine.”
One side of Sabrina’s mouth arched up into a quirky smile. “When you have to use the word ‘fine’ three times to make your point, you are definitely not fine.”
I chuckled softly. “All right, I’m not fine. I’m hurting.” I wiped away a traitorous tear that decided to appear at that moment.
Sabrina walked over and held her arms out for a hug. I put the iron down and grabbed ahold of her, closing my eyes. “Thank you. They say hugging someone for a full thirty seconds is therapeutic. At least, I tell my clients that.”
Sabrina laughed. “Leave it to you to get clinical while you’re in the middle of a hug.”
After a few moments, I drew back. “I feel much better now.”
“Not so fast. What happened?”
I hadn’t wanted to bother her with this, but she wasn’t going to let it go until I did. “Clay wants children, and I can’t have them. The doctor explained that to me a few years ago, but I never brought it up because it’s one of those things that is so personal, it’s best kept to oneself. I can’t help but feel like there’s something wrong with me.” I sighed and moved
to sit on the edge of the bed since we were about to have a conversation about this. “My therapist’s brain knows I’m not deficient. There is nothing wrong with the way God made me.”
“But?”
“But I long for…” My voice broke, and I had to cover my mouth and close my eyes to shut out the fierce emotion welling up inside of me.
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.” Sabrina flew over to me and hugged me again.
Tears slipped down my face, and I stopped trying to wipe them all away. “I didn’t want this to happen. I swore I wouldn’t cause any drama while we’re out here.”
“You are not causing drama.” She sat down next to me on the bed and turned to face me. “You are one of the kindest people I know, and if things were switched, you’d be the one comforting me right now. I understand you don’t want to be a bother but you’re not. In fact, I would be upset if you didn’t share how you’re feeling.” She gave me a side hug and rested her head against mine.
“We’ve always had each other,” I said, sniffing. “I’m really going to miss you.”
“You’re welcome anytime you want to visit. You know that, right?”
I nodded. “I do.”
Future visits would mean seeing Clay, and I wasn’t so sure I could handle that, but I didn’t voice that concern. “Now that you’re aware of this, can you do me a favor?”
“Of course. Anything.”
“I know I agreed to walk down the aisle with Clay, and I’m not asking for you to alter that. It’s too late to change things up, but can you sit me next to someone else this evening? I just can’t—”
“Done. You don’t need to worry.” She paused and glanced up at the ceiling as if thinking. “Gary is flying in this afternoon. I’ll arrange for you to sit by him.”
I knew from previous discussions that he was one of Hunter’s groomsmen. “Is that the one that got a divorce last year?”
“Yep, that’s him.”
“All right. Thank you. I appreciate it.”
“You’re welcome.” She hesitated. “Just so you know, I’m pretty sure Clay won’t give up on you. He’s been chasing you from day one, and regardless of whatever conversation you had, I don’t see that changing anytime soon.”
I raised my palms in the air. “It’s in God’s hands.”
“Yep, it is.”
After that, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The ache was still there, but I determined to press forward and enjoy what little time I had left with Sabrina. I finished ironing the dress and put it in the closet, and then we got the whole family to go outside for a snowball fight.
Lamentations 3:22-24 came to mind. The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, therefore I will hope in him.”
The passage brought a smile to my face because I’d been dwelling on what I didn’t have, but there was so much He’d blessed me with. I made a conscious effort to focus on what He’d given me, to not let my mind slip into despair. For one, I was His child, and there was no greater blessing than that.
I watched my cousins and their kids as they ran back and forth, laughing and screaming with delight. I may not have children, but I had something far more precious. I had a Savior who loved me, who died for me, and who would never let me go.
Yes, Lord. You are my portion, and I will hope in you.
***
At three-thirty in the afternoon, I made my way to the church for the rehearsal. I drove on my own in Hunter’s truck so I could leave when I was ready and wouldn’t have to depend on anyone else. I’d walked out of the house first, but the others had said they’d be right behind me.
It was as if God had wrapped His invisible arms around me and infused me with His peace. I was still nervous about seeing Clay again, but I had the sense that it would be okay. Whatever the Lord had planned, I could trust Him. If it wasn’t for that indescribable peace, I would have been a complete wreck.
As fate would have it, I pulled into the parking space just as Clay drove into the one facing me on the opposite end. Our eyes met, and my heart picked up its pace. All right, Lord. I don’t know why you allowed this to happen, but I’m going to roll with it.
I got out of the truck and hugged my purse close to my side, feeling a little awkward. Once we broke the ice, it would get easier.
I waved. “Hi, Clay.”
He walked over in the same dress pants he’d worn at the auction, and he had on a light gray sweater and a long black coat. “Jazmin.” He cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably. “How have you been?”
“Okay. Just hanging out with the family. You know how that goes. Everyone’s excited about the wedding so…” I glanced behind me. Where were the others?
He nodded and brushed a hand through his hair. “I haven’t called or come by because I wanted to give you space, and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.” He let out a breath, and by the look on his face, I had a feeling this was even harder for him than it was for me. “I want you to know I’ve been praying about us.”
“Me too.”
Just then another car pulled in next to the truck and a broad-chested man with blond hair got out. He looked at Clay and then his gaze fell on me and lingered there. “Are we all here for the rehearsal dinner?”
“Yes, the others should be here any minute,” I said.
He walked over and extended a hand. “I’m Gary.” He stood a couple of inches shorter than Clay, but he was much broader. Clay had a leaner, more athletic physique, but his muscles were well defined. Both men were equally handsome, but I still preferred Clay because I was drawn to his heart most of all.
“Nice to meet you. I’m Jazmin.”
He took my hand and didn’t let go. “You’re Sabrina’s pretty cousin from California.” He smiled and swiped his fingers along the side of his jaw. “Hunter posted pictures on social media of you and Sabrina during your trip last summer.”
“Oh, right.”
I glanced over at Clay, and he was looking at Gary with a wary expression. “I’m Clay, by the way. One of the other groomsmen.”
“Nice to meet you,” Gary said. He let go of my hand to shake Clay’s and then brought his gaze back to me. “Are you two together?” He motioned between us and his meaning was clear. He wanted to know if we were a couple. His straightforward manner was both refreshing and annoying.
I said no and Clay said yes at the exact same time. My eyes widened, and Clay opened his mouth and then closed it as if he wasn’t sure how to explain the discrepancy.
Gary laughed. “Interesting. Think I’ll go with the lady’s version since it’s more to my liking.” He offered his arm. “Can I escort you to the church?”
I felt Clay’s gaze on me, burning a hole through the side of my head, but I ignored him. Even though he’d said yes, we weren’t together, and we both knew that.
“Sure. Thank you.” I took Gary’s arm, and we walked on ahead. I felt like we were being watched, but, of course, Clay was behind us.
When we made it through the entrance of the church, the pastor was at the front, and he smiled and waved us in. “Good evening.”
I heard several vehicles pull into the parking lot outside, signaling the arrival of the others, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
Once everyone in the wedding party joined us, time passed quickly from there. The coordinator gave us instructions on how the ceremony would progress, and when it came time for Clay to escort me down the aisle, he held out his arm and I took it. Thankfully, there was no awkwardness between us at that moment, and I chalked it up to God’s grace. I felt comfortable at Clay’s side—like I belonged there. Feelings could be deceptive, so I tried not to dwell on it and reminded myself that once I went back to L.A., I would adapt and life would get a little easier.
At least, that was what I wanted to believe. Not seeing Clay again after growing so close would be undoubtedly hard, bu
t if God wanted us together, He would have found a way for us to work…and we didn’t.
“It’s okay to smile, you know.” Clay’s words transported me out of my thoughts and back to reality.
The playfulness in his tone brought out a real smile. I allowed my lips to curve upward, and it felt good after the last few days of misery. “Is that better?”
He chuckled. “So much better.”
“Hey, you two,” Hunter said, winking. “No talking during the ceremony.”
“Give them a break,” Sabrina said. “It’s only a rehearsal.”
“No, Hunter’s right,” the wedding coordinator said. Her name was Tina, and she had been recommended by the church. “Let’s keep it as real as possible.”
I leaned and whispered, “Sorry to get you in trouble.”
He chuckled. “I’m cool with it, as long as I’m getting in trouble with you.”
“There they go again,” Hunter said, laughing.
I widened my eyes and did a zip-it motion at my lips to indicate I wouldn’t say anything else. Clay bumped shoulders with me and snickered. I smiled again, and it was a genuine smile that was as real as it got.
When we finished practicing, we all headed to Homer where Sabrina and Hunter had rented out a banquet room in the back of a restaurant for the rehearsal dinner. There were name cards at each place setting, and Hunter informed everyone that seating had been assigned.
“Look at this,” Gary said, holding up a card. “Jazmin is sitting next to me.”
Christmas With An Alaskan Man (An Alaskan Romance Series Book 3) Page 8
