Another Day in Winter

by Shari Low

  He roared off in the car and I knew that was the last I’d see of him.

  ‘And you,’ Annie said, turning to face Flora. ‘You can fuck off too, you treacherous bitch.’ The hurt in her words was tangible and I ached for her, but I had sympathy for Flora too. She hadn’t stood a chance against a fast talking scumbag like that.

  Flora wailed and fell against the fence she’d been kissing that weasel against only moments before…

  I hear the beep of the monitor next to my bed get louder, and Liv, that lovely nurse, is by my side just moments later.

  ‘Are you all right there, George?’ she says. I can tell she’s just chatting to me, as she always does whether I’m asleep or awake, and she doesn’t expect an answer. Just as well, because the memories are choking me and I couldn’t speak if I’d tried. My eyes stay closed.

  ‘Let me just check a few things here then,’ I hear her say, as I feel her hand on my wrist, taking my pulse, and then feel the stethoscope on my chest. The sound of the monitor has slowed again now. She must be satisfied with whatever she’s learned, because the next thing I hear is her voice, and there is no trace of alarm in it. ‘Ah, you’re okay there, George,’ she says. ‘I don’t want you to worry about a thing. We’re right outside and we’re keeping an eye on you. Tom will be back in a wee while. I’m just going to leave this bell in your hand…’ I feel her place a button attached to a wire in my palm, and know it is the one that I am supposed to use to call a nurse if I need anything. I haven’t pressed it for days. There is nothing that anyone can get for me now. But it is kind that she is doing that for me and talking to me even though she has no idea whether or not I can hear her. ‘… And if you need anything, you just press it and we’ll be right here.’ As always, the reassurance in her voice means the world to me.

  My mind goes back to Flora, sobbing that night, a sound that I never forgot.

  I went on to my night shift at work, and when I got back the next morning, there was silence in the house, except for the noise of my mother crying. I knew my father and Flora would already be long gone and that Annie would be leaving in the next half an hour or so to get to work.

  ‘What’s happened?’ I asked, knowing full well what was going on.

  ‘Annie’s taken leave of her senses,’ she said, as she cleared away the breakfast plates. She’s upstairs. Go on up, George, and see if you can talk some sense into her.’

  I climbed the stairs and opened her door, not sure what I would find. Nine o’clock in the morning and she already had an Elvis song on the record player. “Hound Dog”. I turned down the volume and she looked up from what she was doing – packing a suitcase on her bed.

  ‘Where are you going?’ I asked her.

  ‘London.’

  ‘With him?’ I had to know.

  Her face darkened. ‘Not with him. He can rot in hell.’

  I tried not to show the relief.

  ‘So why then?’ I asked, careful to keep my voice casual.

  ‘I need to get away for a week. I’ve got some money saved so I’m going to use that.’

  I knew that telling her she was wrong wouldn’t work, so I settled for logic instead.

  ‘Why are you wanting to spend all your savings in one week? Sure, you could just go down to Ayr or over to Edinburgh for a fraction of the cost.’

  She put the last of her clothes in the suitcase and closed it.

  ‘Tilly from our office transferred to London a couple of months ago, so I’m going to visit her. I’m not changing my mind, George, so there’s no point in trying to make me. I’ll be back for your wedding.’ It was only two weeks until I was going to marry Betty and Flora and Annie were to be bridesmaids.

  ‘You promise?’

  ‘I promise,’ she said. ‘I just need to get away from Flora for a while. And I’m sorry that means leaving you too. God knows, there’s nothing else about this place that I’ll miss.’

  There was a toot of a horn outside, and she peered out of the window.

  ‘That’s my taxi.’

  There was no point trying to stop her leaving. When our Annie was settled on a course, she rarely veered from it.

  I went over to the bed and picked up her case. ‘I’ll carry it down for you,’ I told her.

  Our mother gazed at her with tear filled eyes as we walked through the kitchen. ‘Don’t be crying, Ma,’ Annie said.

  My ma wiped away the tears with the hanky she always kept up her sleeve. ‘What’s he going to say, Annie?’

  We all knew she was talking about my da. There would be hell to pay when he found out about this.

  ‘I don’t really care, Ma,’ Annie replied.

  ‘Annie Butler, don’t you dare speak of your father that way.’

  Annie would usually bite her lip where my mother was concerned, but not this morning. ‘The way he treats you, the way he treats us, and you still defend him? Are you upset because I’m going or because you know he’ll be furious?’

  My mother didn’t answer. She didn’t have to. She’d lived by his rules since she was a teenager and she wasn’t going to change now.

  ‘Goodbye, Ma,’ Annie said, kissing her on the cheek.

  I followed her out to the taxi and put the case in the boot of the car, sad that she felt the need to get away.

  ‘Bye, George,’ she said, going up on her tiptoes to hug me.

  ‘Take care of yourself, Annie,’ I said.

  ‘For God’s sake, you’d think I was leaving forever. I’m only going to London for a week.’

  Looking back, I think we both knew that wasn’t true.

  I never saw our Annie again.

  Noon – 2 p.m.

  Nine

  Shauna

  Have I ever told you that Mariah Carey song makes me want to gag her with tinsel?’ Lulu asked, as she put two paninis and two highly decorated cocktails down on the table in front of them.

  Shauna feigned gravity and sorrow. ‘Many, many times. And it hurts my feelings, because all I want for Christmas is you.’

  ‘Shut it and eat your turkey panini.’

  John, the taxi driver, had chauffeured them to the Sunnyvale Care Home, and they’d been told at reception that the residents were having lunch until one o’clock. They’d left a message that they’d like to see Mrs McNair, then popped into a wine bar across the road for a quick sandwich and a drink, keeping to Lulu’s pledge to have a cocktail between every stop. Shauna didn’t even want to contemplate how she was going to feel tomorrow morning on the plane to Heathrow. In fact, there were a whole load of things that she didn’t want to contemplate right now. Unfortunately, Lulu hadn’t got that memo.

  ‘What are you thinking about?’ she asked, as she slipped into the chair across from Shauna, then grinned as Shauna picked up the bright red drink with the flashing cocktail stick.

  ‘Nothing.’ She didn’t want to admit that all this festive stuff was giving her flashbacks to every Christmas she’d ever spent with Colm. He’d been like a big kid every year, even before they’d had Beth to make it a family event. He’d dragged huge trees into the house every December, the presents would pile up under them and everyone was invited to Christmas dinner with the obligatory board games afterwards. The year he bought a karaoke machine had damaged her eardrums for life. God, she missed every bit of him, but most of all she longed for his enthusiasm, his joy, his laughter.

  ‘You’re thinking something. You’ve got that sad expression going on and you’re chewing your lip. You’re going to look like a before advert for cold sore medication if you carry on doing that. So spill.’

  Shauna attempted to rally. The one annoying thing about hanging out with a lifelong friend was the fact that they could read you far too well. ‘It’s nothing. I’m not going to be a downer today. I’m having too much fun.’

  Lulu held up her wrist and pointed at her watch. ‘Okay. You have sixty seconds to say sad things and then we’re going to switch back to random musings and discussions about how you can coerce Dan
into buying me a new Prada bag for Christmas. Right… go.’

  ‘It’s just…’ She took a deep breath, then let it all tumble out. ‘I want to call Colm and tell him about what we’re doing this weekend. It’s my first instinct. Whenever anything good happens, or anything bad too, I still reach for my phone to let him know, to hear his voice. This is our third Christmas without him and I still miss him so much. How am I doing for time?’ she asked, trying to inject some levity into the moment.

  ‘Thirty seconds.’

  ‘Right. So what really worries me is that… okay, I’m just going to say it. I’m scared that Beth will stop remembering him. I want her to always have him somewhere in her memories. But what if she forgets? I show her videos when she wants to see him, but she’s asking less and less and I don’t want to push it. I just… I fecking hate that he’s not here.’ The last work got caught in the lump in her throat.

  ‘Me too.’ Lulu said sadly, before reverting to type. ‘Okay, time’s up. She won’t forget, Shauna. She’s got all of us, and he’s part of us and he’s part of her too, so even when she isn’t talking about him, he’s still there. Holy shit, did I sound wise and profound then?’

  ‘You did.’ Shauna couldn’t help but smile.

  ‘Bollocks. That will completely dent my shallow and superficial reputation. Talk to me about that new Prada bag until I feel myself again.’

  It was impossible not to laugh. This was exactly why she’d brought Lulu along. No melancholy. No wallowing in the past.

  ‘Okay, tell me about you and Dan.’

  ‘We’re okay. Great even. Probably the best we’ve ever been, at least since the early days, and that’s pretty good because most of the time we were naked back then.’

  ‘And he’s over his wobble about the parenthood thing?’

  Lulu had never wanted children. At school, when her friends were talking about dream weddings and future families, she was trying to work out ways to get on the Take That tour bus and shag Robbie Williams. Dan had been on the same parenting page until just after Colm died, when he started to wonder if perhaps they should consider starting a family. Shauna had thought it was a reaction to the grief of losing his best friend, and Dan had eventually come to the same conclusion.

  ‘Yeah. Thanks be to the God of Stretch Marks. We’ve decided that being Beth’s favourite aunt and uncle is more than enough responsibility for this lifetime.’

  ‘Second favourite. I think Rosie has definitely swung it with Disneyland,’ she teased.

  ‘Bugger, I’m going to have to up my game. Think Justin Bieber’s security is good enough to prevent a kidnapping attempt?’

  ‘I think you could handle them,’ Shauna retorted, finishing off her panini, just as Lulu gave her verdict on their lunch.

  ‘Outlawed carbs and a drink that looks like it belongs on the top of a Christmas tree. I’m going to diet hell, but at least I’ll be in the Christmas spirit when I get there,’ she mused.

  A huge wagon wheel clock on the wall made a dinging noise to announce the hour.

  ‘Shall we go then?’ Shauna suggested. ‘I asked John to come back and get us at two, so that gives us an hour to chat to Mrs McNair if she’ll see us. If not, we’ll come back here and console ourselves with another one of these cocktails.’

  ‘Santa’s Little Helper,’ Lulu said, standing up.

  ‘Who is?’

  ‘The cocktail. The girl behind the bar says that’s what they’re called. Santa’s Little Helpers.’

  ‘I bloody love Glasgow,’ Shauna said, amused. ‘The hotel is pure luxury, we’ve found the nicest taxi driver on the planet, a nice lady helped us out at Flora’s old house, and now we’re fuelled up on a cocktail called Santa’s Little Helper. If I were home I’d be doing three rounds of laundry and speeding round packed stores doing Christmas shopping. This is much more fun.’

  It was. In fact, maybe it was the change of scene, the company, the thrill of the quest, or the power of Santa’s Little Helper, but other than her little outburst of melancholy, this was the lightest she’d felt since Colm had passed. For the last three years she’d been… heavy. That was it. Like her heart weighed a ton in her chest and she had to make a real effort to appear happy. She realised right then that, for once, she wasn’t having to try too hard and it felt really good.

  The same receptionist greeted them as they arrived back at the care home and asked them to sign in. ‘Mrs McNair’s granddaughter called and said you’d be coming. Carla here will take you through,’ she said, gesturing to a nearby assistant, who then escorted them to the residents’ lounge. The room was decorated in pale pink, with matching floral sofas and chairs, with a huge Christmas tree in the corner, piles of presents gathered around the bottom of it and strings of tinsel draped along every wall.

  ‘This will do me fine when I’m old,’ Lulu whispered as they sat down. ‘Just make sure there’s a bar in the corner and a nightly run to a good club, and I’ll be happy in my dotage.’

  Shauna playfully slapped her thigh. ‘Behave yourself. And you’re not coming here. We’re going on a permanent cruise – all five star restaurants and sun decks. I read somewhere that it’s actually cheaper than a home.’

  ‘I’m in,’ Lulu concurred, just as Carla, the assistant, returned holding the hand of an elderly lady, impeccably dressed in a red jumper and tartan skirt, her curly grey hair suggesting a very recent blow-dry.

  Shauna and Lulu immediately stood up and shook her hand.

  ‘Thank you so much for seeing us,’ Shauna said gratefully.

  ‘That’s all right, dear. Who are you?’

  ‘I’m Flora McGinty’s niece, Shauna. And this is my friend Lulu,’ she said.

  ‘The singer?’

  ‘No, not the singer,’ Lulu said, amused. ‘But I’m happy to give you a song.’

  Shauna nudged her and carried on with the point of being there. ‘Mrs McNair, I spoke to your granddaughter and she said you knew my aunt, Flora Butler – I think her married name was McGinty – and that you might be able to answer some questions for us.’

  ‘Ah, lovely Flora. Yes, her maiden name was Butler right enough. Och, I do miss her.’

  Shauna tried to hide her disappointment. She bit her bottom lip again, before deciding to address the pressing question. ‘Is Flora… still alive?’ she stuttered.

  ‘I do hope so, dear. I got a Christmas card from her yesterday.’

  ‘Yassssss!’ Lulu exclaimed, making Shauna laugh.

  ‘So tell me again, who are you, dear?’

  ‘I’m her niece,’ Shauna gushed, unable to hide her delight. This wasn’t a wild goose chase. One of her family members was still alive. This was incredible! ‘Or great-niece, I suppose. My father, Jeff, would have been her nephew.’

  ‘Ah right. And was he George’s or Annie’s son?’

  Hearing her grandmother’s name said by someone else was like an electric jolt to the system.

  ‘Annie’s son. She was my grandmother. Did you know her?’

  Mrs McNair shook her head. ‘No. When I moved in next door, it was just Flora there and her husband Arthur. Flora became a great friend and she spoke about Annie many times, especially in the early days.’ This surprised Shauna, as Annie had definitely never spoken of Flora.

  ‘Did Flora and Arthur have children?’ Shauna asked hopefully. Cousins! She might actually have cousins that she knew nothing about. Her hopes rose.

  ‘I’m afraid not. Such a sadness it was for her.’

  Hopes deflated.

  She pressed on. ‘Can you tell me where my aunt is now?’

  Mrs McNair pursed her lips. ‘How do I know you’re genuine? I watch the news. Con artists everywhere. I’m not sending a couple of scammers over to wrestle Flora’s pension from her.’ Shauna smiled in admiration at the old lady’s gumption.

  ‘I promise I’m not a scammer, Mrs McNair.’

  ‘I’ll require proof,’ she said, with total conviction.

  ‘Tough crowd,’ Lulu murmu
red.

  Shauna reached into her bag and pulled out her trusty sheaf of documents – her own birth certificate, Annie’s birth and marriage certificates, a couple of photographs of her with Annie, and finally the letters.

  Shauna hadn’t witnessed such thorough evidence scrutiny since the last episode of Line of Duty.

  ‘Well, that all seems to be in order. But I’ll be checking with Flora and if I find out her pension is gone…’

  ‘I promise her pension is safe,’ Shauna assured her.

  ‘Right. Carla, can you fetch my address book for me, dear? It’s on my dressing table next to that bottle of port I’m saving for Christmas Eve,’ she asked the nursing assistant, who’d been by her side the whole time. As soon as she left the room, she turned back to Shauna and Lulu. ‘Need a drop of port after dinner on Christmas Eve,’ she said conspiratorially. ‘It’s the only way to survive all those bloody carol singers.’

  They chatted for a few moments about her plans to spend Christmas Day with her granddaughter and her family, before Carla reappeared with a beautiful old book with an embroidered cover. Mrs McNair flicked through it until she found Flora’s address and read it out to Shauna, who noted it down.

  ‘Can I ask just one more thing? Do you know why my grandmother and Aunt Flora didn’t keep in touch?’

  Mrs McNair’s face darkened. ‘Well, I don’t think that’s my story to tell, dear, so I’ll say no more.’

  The elderly lady folded her hands on her lap and raised her chin in a gesture of defiance. Shauna could see that she wasn’t going to be budged and wouldn’t dream of pushing it. She had an address and another lead, and she knew for sure that Annie’s sister was still alive. That was incredible. However, there was definitely something in Mrs McNair’s response that was a little unsettling. Shauna hoped she was just being a bit dramatic.

  ‘I understand, of course. Thank you so much. I can’t tell you what it means to me.’

  ‘That’s quite all right, dear. If you see my friend Flora, please give her my love.’ Despite her strong and capable veneer, Shauna was sure she spotted the glisten of tears in the old lady’s eyes, and, on impulse, leaned over and gave her a hug.