Chapter 20: Neil
“What the hell, boy?” Eli asked. “I thought you were long gone. We heard your plane take off, brother. It’s not like there’s a bunch of them coming in and out of Ashville.”
“Who do you mean by we?”
“I mean everyone, man. That was what, a week ago? Everyone knew you were gone the minute you took off. The whole fucking town was talking about it. Even if I had somehow managed to miss it all, Courtney would have filled me in on it. We’ve been spending a lot of time together. I think I might have something there.”
“Good. That’s good. Try not to fuck it up, okay? It’s the worst goddamned feeling in the world when you do.”
I wasn’t sure if Eli was right about the timing of everything or not. The time since I had gotten onto my plane and flown away from Ashville was all mostly a blur. I could vaguely remember speaking to Fay with a nasty, asshole tone, and her running out of my house in tears.
At the time, it hadn’t mattered to me, not any of it. The only thing I could think about was that old man’s words, telling me to get out or else I would regret it for the rest of my life. I had been so sure he was right, I hadn’t once stopped to think that maybe it would be the other way around. I hadn’t stopped to think that maybe I would regret losing Fay for the rest of my life, although I was sure that a much smarter man would have seen that immediately.
I had been such a jackass that I had actually convinced myself that there were plenty of women out there just like Fay, that she was nothing all that special. It had taken me about two days to realize how wrong I was, and once I had realized it, I had known I had made the biggest mistake of my life. And I had done it for the second fucking time! I had done it for the second time, and how many times did I think I was going to get away with it, anyway? Just how many times did I think I was going to be able to walk all over her and break her heart before she was done with me once and for all?
I wanted to ask Eli these questions and more, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t ask because I was terrified of what answer he would give me. So I settled on a question I hoped he would recognize as a stand in for all of the rest of them.
“How is she, Eli?”
“Come on, man. Why do you ask me that?”
“Because I want to know, Eli. Christ, why else would I ask?”
“How do you think she is? You acted like a jackass, man. I’m a guy, and even I could see that. She’s been a wreck. She threw out all of those romance books she used to like to read. And you should hear the way she talks now. It’s not good, man. Courtney’s been having to work to keep her from turning into a constant partier, doing all of those things she’s always avoided. It’s been hard.”
“Shit.”
“Why are you here, Neil? I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to have you, but why are you here really? Because if you’re just going to fuck with her head, don’t. Courtney’ll kill you, and she’ll want me to help, and I don’t want to be in the middle of that. And Fay’s a good girl. She doesn’t deserve any more of this shit. No more, all right?”
I nodded at him, but I wasn’t really listening. I was already half out of his shop and headed down the street towards the diner. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears, could feel it going so hard it felt like it might actually explode. For the first time, I was confronting the very real possibility that I was too late to make any difference, and it was a possibility that scared the shit out of me.
There was also a pretty good chance that Courtney was going to claw my eyes out, but that was something I was willing to take. I shoved my hand deep down into my pocket, kept it there for comfort, and shoved open the door to the diner. The first person I saw was Courtney, and she was very clearly not happy to see me.
“Oh no! Hell no, Neil. Not again. You’re not doing this to her for a third time. I’ll go to jail before I let you do that.”
“Please, Courtney. I’m not here to hurt her.”
“Ha! Oh really? And I’m just supposed to believe that? You’re so full of shit. You know that? I tried to warn her. I knew you were only going to fuck her up, but she was so sweet that she didn’t believe me. She believed in you, Neil. That’s what she believed in, and instead of caring about her, you went and broke her heart. Not only that, but you did it for the second time. Why don’t you just get the hell out of here, Neil? Why don’t you just let her try to get over it without you messing things up for her?”
“Is she here or not, Courtney?”
“Wow, you really just don’t give a shit, do you? Just looking out for yourself, and that’s it.”
“No, that’s not it at all. All of those things you said? You were right. You were right about all of them, and I’m here to fix it, not make it worse.”
“How are you going to fix it? And you better be able to tell me, because if you think I’m just going to trust you, you’re out of your fucking mind.”
I don’t know what kind of answer I would have come up with to something like that, but I never got the chance to figure it out. That was the moment when Fay emerged from the back, her eyes wide at the sound of our voices. I hadn’t realized it until that moment, but we must have been being pretty loud because Fay looked like a deer in headlights before she even saw with her own two eyes that it was me standing in the diner with her best friend.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
Her voice was flat and lifeless. Courtney gave me a look that really felt like it could have murdered me before going and putting her arm around Fay, who was pale with dark circles under her eyes. Even in the short amount of time since I had gone, I could see that she had lost weight, and I felt my stomach drop. I had done that to her. I was the reason she looked so messed up, and if she would let me, I would do whatever I could to make it up to her.
“I’m here for you,” I said.
“Do you want me to make him leave?” Courtney interrupted, looking up at Fay’s face anxiously, “Because I swear to God, I’ll do it.”
“No, that’s okay. Maybe just give us a minute?”
“No. Hell no. I’m not going anywhere while he’s here. He’s done enough already.”
“That’s okay,” I said quietly. “It’s fine. You can be here for what I need to do. Maybe it’ll even help you to feel better about me.”
I had no doubt that she would love to tell me that would never happen, but I didn’t give her the chance. The hand I had kept safely in my pocket all through the walk from the barber’s shop and through the confrontation with Courtney as well, came out. In the palm of my hand, I held a little black velvet box, and with it, in plain sight, I got down on one knee. I saw Courtney’s eyes widen as Fay gasped, her hands flying up to her neck and grasping the necklace she had hidden beneath her shirt.
“What are you doing?” Fay asked.
“Oh man, if you can’t tell, I must not be doing it right.”
“But you left,” she said confusedly, her eyes starting to fill up with tears again. “You said if I didn’t leave Ashville, it was over, and I haven’t changed my mind on that. So there’s no point.”
“You don’t need to change your mind. I’ve changed mine. I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know what I was thinking all of those years ago when I left, and I don’t know what I was thinking when I drove you out of my house. All I know is that there’s nothing out there better than you. There’s no place, no person, nothing in the world better than you. And I love you. God, I love you so fucking much.”
“But we hardly know each other. It’s only been a little more than a month.”
“We know each other. It’s been a month and our whole lives. I’ve loved you for all of my life, and if you’ll let me, I’d like to keep on loving you for the rest of it. I’d like it very much if you would marry me, Fay Turner. I want you to be my wife.”
I popped the velvet box open and waited, every organ and blood vessel inside of me waiting to see what answer I would get before getting back
to work. For a minute, I was sure she would say no. I’d been too much of a prick to deserve a yes from her, and she knew it. I had no right to even ask, but I had to do it. I had to know if there was a chance for me, even a small one, or else the rest of my life would be ruined.
“Yes.”
“Wait, what? Yes? Did you just say yes?”
“Yeah,” Courtney chimed in, her face as shocked as my insides felt. “Did you just say yes? Are you sure, Fay?”
“I’m sure,” she said in a sweet, wavering voice, her eyes never leaving my face. “And my answer is yes. I’ve loved you for all of my life, too, Neil Driscoll, and I can’t imagine marrying anyone else.”
Then she was in my arms, and Courtney was cheering, Courtney and Eli, too, who had followed me to the diner without me knowing. After ten years of fighting against it, I finally understood what home meant for me. It was Fay, and there was nothing else I could ever really need.
Epilogue: Fay
“Are you sure about this? You can always say no, you know that, right? It’s not like this is written in stone or anything.”
“Courtney! Come on now, you know I’m sure. Wouldn’t you be if I asked you? When we get to your and Eli’s wedding day, do you think you’ll just turn around and say no, never mind?”
“Hell no!” Courtney grinned, looking at me through the mirror while she made sure my veil was pinned properly into place. “Are you kidding me? We’ve been together since you two got engaged, and that’s been what, a year now?”
“Something like that, yes.”
“Exactly! If I can make something work for a year, there’s no way I’m giving it up. Besides, if there’s any chance that romance shit is legit, for me, it’s with Eli. And if you tell him I told you that, I’ll murder you and make it look like an accident.”
“Ha! Okay, your secret’s safe with me, I promise. Now would you get my locket?”
“Are you sure you want to wear that? You wear it every day, you know? Don’t you want to wear something extra special?”
“This is special,” I answered softly, fingering the smooth, worn metal as Courtney fastened it into place. “This is the most special piece of jewelry I have, and I can’t imagine getting married with anything else.”
“All right, if you say so, but why? Why is it so special to you, I mean?”
I smiled and thought back to my thirteenth birthday, so long ago, but so clearly imprinted in my memory that I was sure it would never fade at all. Neil had given me the locket for that birthday. He had walked from his house on the hill to my front door with locket in tow, sitting inside of a little velvet box very similar to the one he’d presented my engagement ring with.
My mother had answered the door and had retrieved me for the red-faced, nervous boy standing there and waiting for me. As Courtney led me to the vast backyard of Neil’s family home, the scene for our small wedding, I could still see that little boy version of Neil standing there and waiting for me. I could see him in the man that was waiting at the end of the aisle. He had waited until my mom had left the two of us alone and then he had shoved the box towards me, asking me if I would be his girlfriend at the same time.
“Do you, Fay, take this man, Neil, to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
“I do.”
“And do you, Neil, take this woman, Fay, to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
“I do.”
“With the power invested in me by the state of Alaska, I now pronounce you man and wife. Neil, you may kiss your bride.”
As Neil leaned in and kissed me, kissed me as he officially made me his wife, I could still see that time so long ago when he had leaned forward and kissed me chastely after I had told him that I would love to be his girlfriend. I realized in that moment that he was still at least some of that little boy, while I was still some of that little girl. We were those versions of ourselves as well as the versions we were now, and we would be both and more as we went about the process of growing old together.
I kissed him back, and as he took me by the hand and led me down the aisle and back towards the massive house the two of us would live in now, I thought I might have just caught the faintest glimpse of what it meant to love a person for the span of a lifetime. It was too big to hold onto, and I was sure that I would lose sight of it sooner rather than later, but in that moment. I felt that I understood everything. It filled my heart with joy.
“Follow me,” he said.
“Follow you where?”
My thoughts had been such that I had been paying more attention to what was in my head than to where I was going. When I looked up, I saw that he was in the process of leading me to the master bedroom. Over the course of the last year, Neil had seen to it that almost the whole interior of the house had been made over, and the master bedroom was now where we slept. It was a lovely room, and one I still felt grateful to be able to call my own, but I wasn’t too sure why we were going to it now. All of our friends were still downstairs, getting ready to party and celebrate our wedding, and our bedroom had nothing to do with that. Still, his fingers were intertwined with mine, and he was leading me towards the bed, his intentions suddenly crystal clear.
“But Neil, we can’t! There are people waiting for us down there!”
“Let them wait. I love you, Fay. I love you, and I want to show you that.”
The part of me that wanted to play a good hostess was anxious to fight him and insist that we go downstairs and save what he had in mind for later. But there was a whole other part of me that I wasn’t sure had even existed before this second relationship with Neil. In so many ways, it was a continuation of the relationship we’d been a part of for almost all of our lives. This was the part of me that wanted to let him love me, that wanted to love him back, and this was the part of me that won out.
I didn’t put up any kind of fight. Instead, I raised my hands over my head in a submissive gesture that made him smile a little. He took the simple white shift I had chosen as my wedding dress and pulled it over my head, laying it out gently so that I could put it back on again when we were done. My arms came down, and I stood before Neil, naked. I stood before my husband and looked up at him with wide, expectant eyes. His face looking back at me was all sweet smiles and tender lines, and when he kissed me, it was after cupping my face in both of his impossibly large, strong hands.
He kissed me slowly. His lips moved on mine with something approaching timidity, feeling for my reaction as he went. Practically on my tiptoes to do it, my arms moved up to his neck and plunged into his slightly disheveled hair. I pulled him toward me as I used my tongue to separate his lips. I slipped it inside of his mouth, smiling as we continued to kiss. He groaned into my mouth.
I could feel him growing hard against my hip, and one of my hands began to slide down his chest, taking my time to unbutton his shirt as I went. He wore no undershirt beneath, and very soon, I had his bare chest exposed so that I could run my hands along the length of his muscles and feel his heart hammering underneath his skin.
“Are you nervous?” I asked with a smile, half joking and half serious as I peered into his eyes intently.
“Of course, I’m nervous.”
“Are you?” I asked again, genuinely surprised by his response. “But why? How could you be nervous about being with me when we’ve been together so many times before?”
“I’m always nervous when I’m with you. Every time I look at you, every time I touch your skin, there are always nerves.”
“But why?” I laughed, my hands still moving over his skin, moving down to the buckle of his belt as I liberated him from his pants. “I don’t want to make you nervous! That’s awful!”
“It’s not awful. I’m glad you make me nervous. It reminds me of how special you are. Every time I’m with you, I get to remember how lucky I am to have you. I get to remember how lucky I am that you took me back. I swear to God, Fay, I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to show you how happy you make me. There’s not
hing I won’t do for you, nothing I won’t give you. I get nervous when I’m with you because you’re the only thing in this world I know I can’t live without.”
Without realizing it was happening, tears had begun to slide silently down my face, but they were happy tears, and my own little reminder of how much I had gained over the past year. I kissed him on the place where his heart lay and then pulled at his pants, standing back a little as he removed them the rest of the way.
My hand went to his long, throbbing member. My fingers ran along the length of him slowly, savoring the feeling of him beneath my fingertips. He gasped, then shut his eyes and threw his head back while my hand moved steadily. I could feel him growing slick as I grew slick at the same time. When neither of us could take it any longer, he gently removed my hand and led me to the bed.
He climbed on top, and then I climbed on top as well, moving my body so that I was hovering above him. When I was in position, I stopped and looked down upon him, surveying all of the wonderful things he was and reveling in the feeling of his eyes roving over me. The two of us had built quite a history for ourselves together in his bed, and despite that fact, there was something about this time that felt different to me.
This time when I looked down upon him, I knew not only that I belonged to him but that he belonged to me as well. It was the most empowering feeling I had ever experienced, and when I reached down to guide him inside of me, I cried out with immediate pleasure, already so wet I wasn’t sure that I could take much more. I hadn’t planned this interlude, hadn’t thought it was the best idea, but now that we were in the middle of it, there was nothing in the world I wanted more.
“God, Fay,” he sighed, his hands moving to my hips while his thumbs traced little circles on the sensitive skin that lived there. “God, I love you so much it hurts me.”
Passion: A Single Dad Small Town Romance Page 59
