The Danice Allen Anthology

by Danice Allen

  “Beth, let’s not get into a discussion that might upset Tess,” said Alex, still poised at the end of the couch. “She’s not done with this birthing process yet. She has yet to purge the afterbirth.”

  Dudley looked concerned. “It hasn’t come out yet?” He turned to Tess. “Are you still having pains?”

  “Yes, small ones. Why? What’s wrong? Aren’t I doing something right, Dudley?”

  “Tessy, you’re as right as rain,” he soothed her. “The part that was attached to the baby’s cord, which has also been attached to you on the inside, is always sloughed off by the mother’s body once the babe is delivered. It’s just a natural part of childbirth. But yours hasn’t come yet. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stay in this ridiculous position for a few more moments.”

  Tess nodded, then turned her attention back to the baby, leaving Beth to ponder Zach and Tess’s relationship. Even if Zach did not want the baby, he was certainly responsible for its existence and ought to feel some responsibility for it. Besides, she could not believe that Zach didn’t have some affection for Tessy, so naturally he would feel some affection for the baby, no matter what he might have said in a fit of anger. How could he not be profoundly affected by the birth of a baby, especially one that belonged to him?

  Beth already had a strong stirring of feeling for the child just because it was Zach’s.

  Beth, however, also admitted to knowing nothing about the unwritten rules and general customs practiced between a man and his mistress. All she could conclude in her own heart and mind was that it was unnatural to abandon one’s own flesh and blood, no matter which side of the blanket it was born on.

  “He was leaving me, miss.” Beth looked down into Tess’s pained yet earnest expression. “Even before he knew about the babe, he was leaving me. I can’t fault him for that. It’s the way for my kind. It’s to be expected. He was looking forward to his marriage to you, miss, and he said he didn’t need me anymore. He never wanted a baby, and I kept it secret from him for as long as I could. Don’t be too angry with him. He loves you.”

  Apparently Tess had been too consumed with pain to have registered the comments earlier about Zach finding Beth and Alex together. She didn’t know how very little Zach had to look forward to. An uncomfortable silence fell over the room as all of them were immersed in their own heavy thoughts.

  “Dudley, you had better come and have a look,” Alex said presently. Though he’d said it calmly, Beth thought she detected a thread of unease in his voice.

  Dudley stood up immediately, just as attuned to the nuances of Alex’s voice as Beth was. “Please sit by her, miss,” he said to Beth, “just in case her arms grow weary of holding the baby.”

  Beth nodded and knelt down by Tess, who was still racked by strong shivers. “Are you cold, Tessy?”

  “Very,” Tess admitted.

  This did not seem like an encouraging condition, considering how hot the day had been and still was. Beth turned to Sadie. “Fetch another blanket, won’t you?”

  Sadie left the room to do as Beth bade her. While they waited for the blanket, Beth engaged Tess in conversation about the baby, trying to divert her from hearing the men’s low-voiced exchange at the end of the couch. But Beth listened and became exceedingly alarmed. It seemed that Tess was bleeding much more than was generally expected after the birth of a child. And the afterbirth still had not appeared. She heard the phrases “tearing on the inside” and “clinging to the wall of the uterus.” Beth wasn’t sure what a uterus was, but apparently Dudley did, and he seemed very worried about what was going on.

  When Sadie returned with the blanket, Dudley immediately sent her out again for more clean rags. Beth covered Tess with the blanket, but still Tess’s shivering persisted.

  “You’d better take the baby, miss. I’m dreadfully cold and shaking so much I might drop her,” said Tess.

  Beth took the child and stood back a step or two, watching the men. They appeared to be trying to stem the flow of blood by packing Tess with rags.

  By now Tess was beginning to be frightened as well. Her face was completely devoid of color. “What’s wrong, Dudley? What’s happening to me? I’m so cold!”

  Dudley moved to the side of the couch and stooped down by Tess, taking her hands again. He smiled. “You’re losing a bit of blood, love. I think it’s because the afterbirth is stubbornly clinging to the inside of you. Since the baby came early, Mother Nature wasn’t exactly ready in all regards.”

  “I’m going to be all right, aren’t I? I want to be strong and healthy for my baby. It would not do if I were to have to lie abed for a long while. I’m going back to work at Mrs. Turley’s, you know. Zach left me some money, but I’m not going to keep it.” She sighed heavily. “I’m suddenly so very drowsy, Dudley.”

  Beth saw the pained expression in Dudley’s and Alex’s eyes as their gazes met. “Close those beautiful peepers of yours and rest, Tessy,” Dudley gently advised her.

  “But I’m shaking too hard to sleep,” she whispered. “Goodness, I’ve never felt so strange in my life.”

  Her voice drifted off, and she closed her eyes. She appeared to be sleeping, though she was still racked by strong shivers.

  “Damn it, Dudley,” rasped Alex, one hand on Tess’s knee and the other applying pressure to the rags between her legs. “Isn’t there something else we can do?”

  “I don’t know what else to do,” Dudley said hoarsely. “Keep checking for the afterbirth and keep applying pressure in the meantime. We can only try to stem the flow of blood till whatever’s going on inside her resolves itself.”

  “What if it doesn’t resolve itself, Dudley?” Beth asked him, her voice brittle with fear.

  Dudley did not answer. She could see him clench his jaw with emotion. He looked down at Tess, probably agonized by their absolute impotence in the situation.

  “These rags are saturated,” Alex said tersely. “Bring me that basket, Sadie, and fetch some more rags.”

  Sadie carried the basket to Alex, and Beth watched numbly as he laid several rags soaked with bright red blood inside its shallow confines. Sadie looked distressed and almost as though she might swoon. She quickly set the basket on the floor next to Alex and left the room to fetch more rags, and probably to gather her composure.

  Beth felt as though she were watching this drama unfold from the vantage point of another planet, horror suspended in a woozy, self-defensive detachment. She held the baby securely, rhythmically dipping her shoulders back and forth in a rocking motion, thereby lulling the child into a peaceful sleep. The baby had discovered her thumb and had slipped it inside her mouth to stave off the pangs of hunger. But aside from the comfort and security she was lending to this new, extremely tiny scrap of humanity, Beth felt completely helpless.

  Tess wasn’t shivering any longer, and Alex continued the grim ritual of changing blood-soaked rags for clean ones. Dudley held Tess’s hands and watched her devotedly, his usually neatly combed thatch of ginger hair a chaotic tumble, his white pantaloons smeared with blood.

  “Why did she stop shivering?” asked Beth. “Does that mean she’s stopped bleeding? Will she be all right?”

  Neither of the men replied, and panic gripped Beth’s heart. “She’s not …?”

  “Not yet,” Alex said in a resigned monotone. “But near enough.”

  “No!” cried Beth, starting forward, her eyes stinging with the start of tears. “It’s not fair! She can’t die. She’s just a child herself.”

  “Take Miss Tavistock out, Sadie,” said Dudley flatly. “She’ll wake Tess and frighten her if she starts crying. I don’t want Tessy to be frightened ever again.”

  “Come on, miss,” said Sadie, gently taking hold of Beth’s elbow and steering her toward the door.

  “I won’t cry, I promise,” Beth beseeched in a quavery voice. “I want to stay with you, Alex.” Beth dug her heels into the carpet and balked like a stubborn mule.

  Sadie turned toward Alex for g
uidance, and he nodded his head, granting Beth permission to stay and giving Sadie permission to leave. Sadie then left without a backward glance. Alex stood up and moved to the basin of water, dipped his hands inside and washed away the blood, all the while looking at Beth, his eyes willing her to calm herself. Beth swallowed the huge lump in her throat time and again, but it kept coming back, threatening to spill out in a sob.

  Finally Alex was beside her, his strong arm lending her strength. She slumped against him and looked down at the baby, the small thing so unaware that her whole world, her whole future, had changed in a matter of moments.

  “I don’t care what Lord Roth said, I’m going in!”

  Zach’s angry voice filtered through the thick panels of the door, and suddenly he was in the room. Behind him, Henry looked chagrined; evidently he had not been told that Dudley’s stricture to keep everyone out did not apply to Zach. Alex nodded reassuringly at Henry, and the lad closed the door.

  “What’s this all about, Alex? By God, you’ve got my own servants hounding me, defying me …” Zach’s voice trailed off as he took in the scene before him. First he saw Beth holding the small bundle of flannel, with Alex supporting her, their expressions pinched and drawn. His head jerked to the couch, and his eyes widened as his gaze was riveted to Tess’s small figure reclining on the couch with Dudley kneeling, as if in prayer, beside her.

  “Tessy?” His voice was barely audible and permeated with doubt and dread. He walked hesitantly to the couch and stood over Tess, his hands curled against his chest, spasmed by fear. He looked at her white face, her composed features, the basket of crimson rags, and dropped to his knees beside the couch.

  “Tessy?” he said again, reaching out to touch her.

  Tess stirred slightly, her eyes blinking open, shadowed by thick golden lashes. “Zach, is that you?”

  Dudley turned to Zach and said in an almost savage voice, “I’ll move, but don’t you dare upset her, Master Zachary, or you’ll have me to answer to.” Then he gently disengaged his hand from Tess’s now weak grip and moved to stand by the window, watching as the violet shadows of dusk moved irreversibly over the lawn, cooling, dimming, covering the green grass and colorful flowers in a shroud of darkness. In just the same way imminent death had crept stealthily over the bloom in Tess’s cheeks, fixing her features in cold white perfection and turning her small, slender fingers icy and inflexible.

  Zach bent close to Tess’s face and clutched her hands between his two, devouring her with his anxious, loving gaze. “Tessy sweeting, I didn’t know…. I never thought the babe was so near to coming.”

  “She was early. Too impatient by half,” Tess said with a small, soft smile. Then her smile slipped away, and tears sheened in her fading eyes. Her words were halting and breathless. “I’m sorry, Zach. I never meant to make you angry. I only wanted to be a part of your life. I love you so much. I’ve been foolish—”

  “Never say that again, Tessy!” Zach said fiercely, grabbing her by the shoulders. “/ was foolish. Foolish and selfish. I do love you, Tessy, I do!” he cried, clutching her to him.

  Tess sighed and lifted her hand to Zach’s hair, sifting her fingers through the golden tresses in a last caress. Beth could see Tess’s eyes just above Zach’s shoulders as he rocked her back and forth, murmuring over and over again, “I love you, Tessy. I love you.” Tess’s eyes were filled with contentment, as if God had granted her a final, blessed benediction. She turned her face toward Zach, her cheek nuzzled against his neck. When her hand ceased stroking Zach’s hair and fell limp to his shoulder, Beth knew she was gone.

  The next few hours passed in a haze. The last Beth saw of Zach he was still clutching Tess’s rag-doll form against his chest, still rocking her to and fro, still telling her—though she could no longer hear him—that he loved her, loved her, loved her….

  Beth had been guided to her chamber by Sadie, the baby taken gently from her by one of the maids. She remembered telling the maid to take good care of the baby, to find it a wet nurse as soon as possible, and in the meantime to feed it warm goat’s milk and sugar. Somewhere she’d heard that advice given to a mother who’d had no milk of her own for her baby to suckle and no money to hire a wet nurse. Then Sadie helped Beth out of her gown so she was dressed only in her shift, and tucked her into bed where she immediately fell into an exhausted sleep.

  When she awoke, Alex was there, sitting on the edge of the bed, watching her intently. The room was dark except for a three-tapered branch of candles on the bedside table, the flickering light revealing dark shadows beneath Alex’s eyes. When he saw she was awake, he smiled and leaned down to kiss her lightly on the lips.

  Before Alex could straighten, Beth slipped her hands around his shoulders and held him fast against her. His hands tangled in her hair, and they clung to each other, drawing strength from each other. He felt so warm, so solid. He was her anchor to earth, a safe harbor in a turbulent storm, her love, her life.

  Finally Beth lay back against the pillows and looked up at him. Their hands were clasped tightly together, resting on the white counterpane that covered her. Despite the harrowing strain of the last few hours and the signs of fatigue in deep lines about his mouth and the unnatural shadowing of his Gypsy eyes, Alex had never looked so beautiful to Beth. Against the backdrop of Zach’s terrible loss of Tess, Beth treasured Alex’s love all the more.

  “How is he?”

  Alex’s tender smile fell away, and his troubled gaze dropped to their entwined fingers. He stroked the back of her hand with his thumb. “He’s suffering greatly. When I was finally able to pull him away from Tess, I took him to his room. I’ve checked on him twice since then, and he was lying quietly on the bed. I didn’t know whether he was asleep or not, so I left him alone.” Alex sighed heavily. “It is time I roused him, however, whether from grief or from sleep. Decisions must be made concerning Tess’s funeral, and only Zach can make them.” Alex paused, then looked at Beth. “He feels responsible for Tess’s death, you know.”

  “I see how he might,” said Beth.

  “You blame him, then?”

  “No, not really. He was stupid and selfish, but probably behaved no differently than most men would have done in the same situation, however wrong that behavior may be.

  Zach made the mistake of considering Tessy unworthy of his most tender feelings. But he loved her, that was plain to see. And she loved him.”

  Alex nodded agreement. “I never knew she was so young. Or so innocent, in her way. I certainly understand better the conflict that he’s been dealing with during the last few weeks.”

  “What do you mean, Alex?”

  “After the mine incident he realized that he loved her too well. He felt that his love for you and his commitment to you had become secondary to his love for Tess. That troubled him, and a friend of his had made some blunders in his life that Zach was afraid of duplicating. He told me that he was going to leave Tess. But I planned to tell him about us before he went to see her. I thought he might not want to sever his ties with Tess once he knew that you weren’t going to marry him after all. But he got anxious and left to see her this afternoon before I got a chance to explain things. He found out about her pregnancy today for the first time. It must have been a considerable shock. Obviously he had come to my room to discuss this new dilemma when he discovered us together.” Alex shook his head soberly. “From there, things only got worse for him.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me about Tessy, Alex?”

  Alex shrugged and looked away. “I suppose I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want to use Tess as a source of discord between you and Zach. I wanted you to break off your engagement to Zach for one reason only—your love for me. Any other means of separating you and Zach would have been dishonest.” Alex’s returning gaze searched Beth’s face. “Are you angry with me, Beth? Are you angry with Zach? He never meant to—”

  “No, I’m not angry with either of you. I understand your reluctance to speak to me o
f Tessy. And I suppose I understand why Zach had a mistress. He’s very affectionate, very physical. I only wonder that I didn’t realize what was going on long ago. Besides, I’m too tired and sick of the world’s ways to waste my time being angry. Frankly, I’m afraid for Zach. I’m afraid he’ll never forgive himself. This is too like what happened to his own mother, and he blamed himself for her death, too. He may be too hurt and angry with you and me to let us help him through this ordeal.” Beth shook her head, her hair swishing against the soft linen pillowcase. “Mayhap only God can help him now.”

  “God must grant me a share in helping Zach recover from this tragedy, since I feel partly to blame. But Zach isn’t the only person affected by Tess’s death.”

  “Do you mean Dudley? He seemed to care very much for her, though he didn’t know her very long.”

  “No, not Dudley, though he is suffering. I meant the babe. I wonder what Zach means to do with her.”

  “Don’t you think he’ll keep her?”

  “The child might be too painful a reminder of Tess and how she died. Knowing Zach, I think he might fear that he’d grow to hate the child, just as our father hated him.”

  “I should think he’d do the exact opposite, Alex, since he knows how very unfair and illogical such a hatred would be. After suffering at his own father’s hand, surely Zach would do better by this child.”

  “Logic and raw emotion—the head and the heart—don’t always lead to the same conclusions, my Beth. But no matter how Zach might feel about the child by and by, I’ll wager he’d as soon not risk hating her and making her just as miserable as he was made by an unforgiving parent.”

  “So what will he do with her? She mustn’t go to a foundling home, Alex! If he cannot bear to keep her, he must give her to—”

  Beth stopped herself, remembering abruptly that Alex still had not asked her to marry him. She did not want to seem presumptuous. But, truth to tell, she was becoming a little nervous about Alex’s reputation as Wicked Wickham. She was secure in the knowledge that he loved her—she knew that with her whole heart. But perhaps he was reluctant to marry her. Perhaps he thought it would change his style of living too much. Perhaps—