Shades of Gray k-6

by Maya Banks

  He wanted to be there for her, to help her get through this. God, he just wanted to make her smile. For things to go back to the way they were when they bantered back and forth, cut jokes and threw insults.

  He didn’t want to contemplate a world without P.J. He didn’t want to be on a team where she wasn’t an integral part. He didn’t want to lose any of his team. They were a unit.

  They were family.

  “Let’s find her first. Then we’ll figure out our options,” Steele said.

  Everyone nodded, agreeing with Steele’s assessment. The group broke and Cole headed in Rio’s direction.

  “Can I have a word?” he asked Rio quietly.

  Rio stared back at him with dark eyes. “Yeah, let’s step outside.”

  They left the war room and walked outside where dusk was gently falling over the lake. It was early fall and the evenings were already starting to cool. The wind hinted at impending brisker days. It was usually Cole’s favorite time of year, except now he couldn’t enjoy the changing season because the world—his world—was in complete turmoil.

  “Is there anything you can tell me that would help?” Cole asked. “I know you spent some time with P.J. Did she ever say anything to you that would help us find her now?”

  Rio looked regretful. “We had a few drinks. I was passing through Denver, looked her up and we had bar food and beer. We didn’t do a whole hell of a lot of talking, and when we did, it was about work stuff. Past missions. Just shooting the shit.”

  Cole grimaced. “Yeah, she doesn’t ever talk about herself.”

  Cole had a feeling that the one night he and P.J. had spent together had been the most she’d opened up to anyone. Ever. But even then, she hadn’t given him enough to know what she’d be thinking right now.

  Rio’s lips turned up in a half smile. “Do any of us?”

  Rio had him there. How much did he really know about any of his team? Yeah, they were family. No one would ever dispute that. But it didn’t mean they were all touchy-feely and up in one another’s business.

  Cole was starting to regret that he hadn’t tried harder in the past. He’d always respected P.J.’s privacy. Hadn’t pressed her for information she was reluctant to give. Being a good guy and teammate didn’t mean shit now when they were so desperate for information.

  “Look, I’ve pretty much seen it all. I’m sure you have too. It’s hard when it’s a teammate, but the fact is, she’s like a wounded animal and it’s likely she just wants to go off to heal on her own. You saw what Nathan was like when he got back from Afghanistan. You see how closed off Swanny is. Hell, we’ve all got our burdens to bear. We just do it differently. Maybe the best thing to do is just back off and give her some space. Let her deal with this in her own way.”

  Cole knew Rio was giving good advice but it pissed him off all the same. He stared hard at the other man.

  “Tell me something, Rio. If it was Grace, would you be so willing to back off and give her space and not worry over where she is, if she’s hurting or if she can make it on her own right now?”

  Rio’s brows lifted, his eyes widening. “So it’s like that.”

  Cole swore. “Yes. No. Hell if I know. Look I’m making a point here. If it were any of the other women. What if it was Shea? Or Rachel? Would you be saying to back off and leave them alone to sort it out themselves?”

  Rio sighed. “No. I wouldn’t. But you have to remember, Cole. You can’t treat P.J. like just any other woman. She’s a warrior. A highly trained operative who goes into combat and deals with situations most other women don’t. She’s wired differently.”

  Cole took a step closer until he and Rio were just inches apart.

  “All that may be true, and I certainly don’t dispute it, but the fact of the matter is, she is still a woman and she was violated in the worst way a woman can be violated. And her team let her down. So you tell me. If she was on your team, would you be so willing to let her walk away and figure it all out on her own?”

  Rio shook his head. “Hell, no. I wouldn’t let one of my men do it. I’m just trying to offer some perspective.”

  “Well, I sure as hell don’t have any,” Cole said bluntly. “What I want is for her not to be alone to deal with this by herself. She has the team. And she has me. And she has no business being out of that hospital bed.”

  Rio put his hand on Cole’s shoulder. “I get it, man. I understand when a mission becomes personal. I understand it all too well. My team will do whatever we can to help. We respect the hell out of P.J. She’s one of us. Will always be one of us. If you need us, just say the word.”

  Some of the tension left Cole’s shoulders, and suddenly he was weary beyond belief.

  “I appreciate it. I’m sorry that our fuckup meant you had to be away from Grace and Elizabeth.”

  “You didn’t fuck up,” Rio said quietly. “Shit happens. There was nothing you could have done. And Grace and Elizabeth are fine. They’re with Shea and the other women enjoying a visit. I don’t let them out of the jungle often.”

  Cole grinned crookedly. “No, you don’t. That’s for sure.”

  “Keep me posted, okay?” Rio said as Cole turned to walk back into the war room. “I like P.J. a lot and this whole thing pisses me off. I want that bastard as much as you do.”

  Cole stared straight into Rio’s eyes. “I doubt that.”

  CHAPTER 16

  P.J. parked outside Steele’s home, cut the ignition and then gripped the steering wheel with both hands. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. This would be the hardest thing she’d ever done, but it was necessary.

  She glanced at the huge duffel bag sitting in the passenger seat of the rental. Everything that belonged to KGI.

  Getting out, she walked around to the other side to open the door. Bracing herself, she picked up the heavy bag and hoisted it over her shoulder.

  Grimacing as her still-healing incisions protested, she started for the door only to see Steele standing in the doorway watching her progress.

  His silence unnerved her, but only because she was nervous and she hated what she was about to say.

  “Where the hell have you been?”

  She blinked and drew up short on the top step. He looked angry when Steele usually looked unflappable. His gaze swept over her, top to bottom, as if examining her wellness for himself.

  “Can I come in?” she asked. “I need to talk to you.”

  Steele reached for the bag and then scowled. “What the hell is this, P.J.?”

  She sighed and brushed past him into the house. Her palms were sweaty and she rubbed them repeatedly down her pants legs.

  This wasn’t a social call, and he evidently picked up on that much. He didn’t steer her toward the living room but instead walked her back to his office, which overlooked the expansive rear of his property.

  She flopped gratefully into one of the armchairs in front of his desk and waited.

  He dropped the bag on the other chair and then stalked around to sit behind the desk. And then he leveled a stare at her. One that would make a grown man quake in his boots.

  “Care to explain why you bailed from the hospital, didn’t let me or your team know where you were going, how you were doing or, hell, even if you were alive? Do you know how worried we’ve been for the last few weeks? You fell completely off the radar. No one’s been able to get in touch with you. You didn’t go home and you didn’t check in. What the fuck, P.J.?”

  She winced and closed her eyes. There was no easy way to do this, and a clean cut was always better than a jagged one. She ought to know.

  “I’m turning in my gear.”

  Steele’s lips tightened. “I can see that much.”

  “I quit,” she said baldly. “I’m off the team.”

  “That’s it?”

  She nodded.

  He swore through clenched teeth. “What the hell is going on in your head, P.J.?”

  “This is something I need to do,” she said, notching
her chin upward. “It’s what I have to do.”

  “I won’t accept your resignation.”

  “You don’t have a choice,” she said softly. “I’m out.”

  “Look, take some time off. There was no way in hell you were going out with the team anytime soon anyway. Don’t make an emotional decision you’ll regret later. Your job will be waiting when you get yourself together.”

  She almost laughed. Get herself together? She’d done nothing but that for the last three weeks. Three agonizingly long weeks where she’d lain dreaming of revenge and of returning tenfold the hurt that had been done to her.

  She rose, knowing nothing good could come of her continued presence here. Steele was pissed and she didn’t want to waste time arguing with him.

  “My decision is final.”

  Steele’s jaw bulged and flexed. “Don’t do anything stupid, P.J.”

  She turned back to face him and paused a long moment. And she lied.

  “I need some downtime. I don’t want my team worrying. I don’t want to leave you a man short while I’m getting my shit together. It’s not fair to you or my teammates. I should be replaced and you know it. I’m a liability, and you can’t afford to take a mission short a man. Fill the spot, Steele.”

  “Just like that,” he snapped.

  She took a steadying breath and prayed she didn’t lose her composure before she managed to get out.

  “I can’t do this, Steele. Just let me go.”

  He stared at her a long moment. And then he rose and walked around to stand just in front of her. He put his hand on her shoulder and gently squeezed. It was so out of character for him that she could only stand there in befuddlement.

  “Take your time, P.J. Get your head straight and then you come back and talk to me. If you’re still so determined to quit in a few months’ time, then I’ll accept your resignation. But until then, you’re still a part of this team. My team.”

  She bit into her lip to keep the tears from crowding her vision.

  “Thank you.”

  Then she turned and walked rapidly out of his office and back through the house. She strode blindly to her vehicle and got in before she could change her mind. She couldn’t be weak. Not now.

  What she had to do could in no way reflect on KGI or her team. She wouldn’t drag them into the mire she was about to descend into herself.

  CHAPTER 17

  COLE knew whatever Steele had to say couldn’t be good. He’d called everyone to his home. Not the KGI facilities where business was usually dealt with and missions were outlined.

  They only waited for Baker to make an appearance, and the atmosphere was thick with tension and nobody was talking.

  He clenched and unclenched his fists and then rose from the patio seat because he could no longer just sit there idly while waiting to hear what Steele had for them.

  The last few weeks had been a fuck storm of frustration and it was wearing on him. He’d gone on his own to Denver, hoping that P.J. was holed up in her apartment. He respected the need for her privacy, but he hated that she was alone and had no one to lean on after what had happened. No one was that much of a hard-ass. She had to crack sooner or later, and he didn’t want her alone with no one to help pick up the pieces.

  And damn it, he wanted to be that person.

  Sure he’d lusted after P.J. for a damn long time, but things had changed between them that night they’d spent at her apartment. He’d known it and he damn well knew she knew it as well. It was why she shut him down so quickly and wanted to pretend like nothing had ever happened.

  Well, he couldn’t do that. No matter what she wanted, he couldn’t go back to the easy camaraderie and bullshit of before. Maybe this was one-sided, but he was carrying around a pretty heavy obsession for her and it sucked.

  If he closed his eyes, he could still smell her. Taste her. Could feel her skin against his. But it wasn’t just sex. He could get that anywhere, and he’d gone a long time without because none of the women were P.J.

  They just clicked. There was something indefinable about their connection, and he knew he couldn’t have been the only one to have felt it.

  There was an audible sigh of relief when Baker strode through the door a moment later. He looked tense, as if he were expecting the worst. His gaze automatically swept the room, and he frowned, almost as if he were doing a head count.

  Yeah, they were down one and it sucked.

  “What’s up, Steele?” Baker asked.

  “Take a seat,” Steele ordered.

  Baker slid into one of the chairs and Cole remained standing. Steele didn’t even bark an order his way.

  “P.J. came to see me two days ago,” Steele began.

  Cole surged forward. “What the fuck? And you’re just now getting around to telling me—us? Where is she? How is she? Is she all right?”

  Steele held up his hand. His expression was grim. “She quit the team.”

  The entire room exploded with what-the-fucks but Cole didn’t say a word. His nostrils flared and he heaved several breaths through them, willing himself not to lose complete control.

  “Where is she now?” Cole gritted out. Like hell she was quitting. Of all the things he thought Steele might say, that wasn’t one of them.

  Steele sighed. “I don’t know.”

  Dolphin held up his hand, his head shaking in disbelief. But Cole beat him to the punch.

  “Let me get this straight. P.J. came to you. She quit the team. And you just let her walk out of here and you have no idea where she is or where she was going?”

  “I told her I wouldn’t accept her resignation,” Steele said. “She was adamant. She gave me this bullshit story about not wanting to bring the team down and that she needed time.”

  “And you bought that load of crap?” Cole asked incredulously.

  Everyone else had quieted and looked between Steele and Cole with apprehension. Steele was their commander and he was afforded the respect due that position. Always. Until now. He wasn’t ever questioned. Until now.

  “I didn’t say I bought anything, but I couldn’t force her to stay. I can’t force her to make decisions we think are for the best. She asked for time and space. I couldn’t not give it to her.”

  “Jesus,” Dolphin muttered. “You blew this one, Steele. It’s fine to pull that ice man routine on the job and on a mission. But this is a goddamn teammate we’re talking about here. No one gives a fuck about being fair and evenhanded in this situation. She needs us, and you let her walk away.”

  Steele rounded furiously on Dolphin. Before Cole could blink, he had Dolphin against the wall, his forearm across Dolphin’s neck.

  “Don’t you fucking talk to me about being an ice man. I was there, remember? I heard every goddamn thing that happened to her. She’s mine. Just like every one of you are mine. If you don’t think I’m furious over the entire situation then fuck you.”

  Dolphin stared back unflinchingly, and finally Steele loosened his hold and stepped back. Just as quickly, Steele collected himself and the cool facade was back in place. But now they all knew just how close he was to the edge.

  Cole turned and rammed his fist into the wall. He couldn’t even think for imagining P.J. alone, feeling God knows what. She’d quit the fucking team. They were family. And she walked away.

  He drew back to hit the wall again and was nearly tackled by Baker and Renshaw. They took him down, pinning him to the floor.

  “Get off me!” Cole roared.

  “Chill your ass out,” Renshaw barked. “None of this is helping.”

  “Enough!” Steele bellowed.

  Cole flipped Baker off his chest and then swung at Renshaw. Renshaw ducked the punch, but it was enough to unbalance him, and Cole was back on his feet and staring a hole through Steele.

  “I agree with Dolphin on this one, ice man. You blew it.” He advanced on Steele until it was virtually only the two of them. The others faded into the background as Cole faced his team leader down.r />
  “Goddamn you, Steele, you knew I was looking for her. You knew I’d been all over Denver. You knew how fucking worried I’ve been. And you just let her go and you get around to telling us two days later? What the fuck, man?”

  Steele’s jaw tightened. “I hoped she’d change her mind.”

  “Yeah, well, how did that work out for you? What the fuck are we supposed to do? Pretend nothing happened? Move on? Take another mission? Hell, why don’t we just replace her since she’s so goddamn expendable?”

  “Enough, Cole,” Steele said, his voice as cold as ice.

  “Enough is right,” Cole said, fury rising, sharper, harder with every breath.

  He turned and stalked toward the door.

  “Whoa, wait a minute,” Dolphin said. “Where the hell are you going?”

  Cole turned and looked at his team,that was no longer the same. It never would be. It wasn’t a team without P.J.

  “I’m out,” he clipped out. “I’m going after P.J. I’m not leaving her to shoulder this alone. She needs us.”

  “Don’t be so damn hotheaded,” Steele growled.

  Cole’s lip curled in disgust. “Yeah? Why don’t you stop being so fucking coldhearted. What you did was wrong and you damn well know it. You should have sat on her if you had to until we could hash this out as a team.”

  “She came to me,” Steele snapped. “Not you. Not the team. She came to me, so I can only assume she wanted it that way.”

  Steele’s words dug deep because he was right. It was obvious P.J. had no intention of facing Cole, and it gutted him.

  “I don’t give a damn what she thinks she wanted,” Cole said softly. “She’s not thinking straight and we all know it. Sometimes doing the right thing is all wrong. Giving her space and time and all that other bullshit is great on paper, but you and I both know that the very last thing she needs is to be alone. We’re her family. Her only family. We’re supposed to give a damn. We’re supposed to stand up for her when no one else will. And we’re damn sure supposed to call her out when she’s making stupid choices and fucking up. That’s what family does. Live and die as a team, right? Well, you hung her out to dry, Steele. And you hung the rest of us out right along with her, because now we all look like a bunch of uncaring assholes who just let her walk away without a fight.”