Shades of Gray k-6

by Maya Banks

  His first instinct had been to protect her. He hadn’t considered what was best for the mission. Or the people they were trying to protect by bringing Brumley down. He’d only cared that P.J. was risking herself, and he’d wanted her in a role that assumed less risk.

  It was a hell of a dilemma for him, because he wasn’t sure if he could give the team one hundred percent as long as P.J. was involved. And she’d never allow him to shield her from the reality of their jobs. He’d have less respect for her if she did. But it didn’t change the fact that he was a basket case at the idea of her incurring huge personal risk.

  He rubbed his hand over his face, weary from the sheer weight of his worry and indecision.

  He wanted P.J. He thought he might even love her. But could he commit to her knowing the kind of baggage they’d both bring to the table? Would it be fair to her and her position on the team to have a crazy-ass lover and teammate whose sole objective was to keep her safe and fuck the rest of the world?

  And even if it wasn’t fair, it was far too late, because he’d already laid out his cards. He’d told her he was here. That he’d wait as long as it took for her to get her head on straight again.

  Even as he thought the last, he winced at how it sounded. Get her head on straight? You used language like that for someone who’d fucked up. For someone whose head wasn’t in the game.

  That wasn’t the case with P.J. She hadn’t fucked up. She’d done everything right and had paid a steep price for that. He couldn’t fathom how she’d been able to keep it together this long.

  As he stared at her features, softened by the veil of sleep, something inside him twisted and knotted. The problem was, she’d kept it together too well. Which meant at some point, she had to break. No one could completely turn it off forever, and what had sustained her all these months was hunting for the men who’d hurt her. Once she no longer had that objective holding her together, what would happen?

  She’d need him—someone—then more than ever. The question was, would she accept his help? Or would she push him away, determined to shoulder everything on her own?

  He shook his head. “I won’t let you do that, P.J.,” he whispered. “I don’t know what exactly it is that we have, but I’m not willing to let it go no matter how hard it is.”

  Relationships took work. He’d seen the evidence of that enough times just by observing the Kellys. Ethan’s wife, Rachel, had been through hell, and her road to recovery had been a bumpy one.

  But P.J. was worth it. She deserved happiness. She deserved a man who stood by her and with her. Someone who allowed her to be herself. Even if it killed him, he was going to be that man. Encouraging her to be the kick-ass woman he knew her to be and not holding her back no matter how hard his gut screamed at him to shield her from anything that could ever hurt her.

  Love sucked.

  Love required sacrifices that were hard to make. It required him to go against every instinct so he didn’t crush what made P.J. so special to begin with.

  If this was what falling in love was about, he wasn’t sure whether he wanted in or not.

  And yet, the idea of P.J. not being in his future as more than just a team member he hung out with sucked. It didn’t really matter what he wanted or what was easy at this point, because the decision had been made for him.

  P.J. was his. And yeah, it wouldn’t be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever was.

  He liked her just the way she was. All hard-ass, stubborn, independent and capable of kicking anyone’s ass. Even his.

  He wouldn’t change a goddamn thing about her.

  The sudden surge of emotion caught him off guard. It was as if admitting to himself the depth of his feelings for P.J. made him want to act on them now. He wanted her to know, for her to feel, what she meant to him. How long had he carried a torch for her?

  He couldn’t pinpoint an exact time or place. Rather, she’d gradually grown on him as he’d grown to respect and admire her. Over time his feelings had changed to something intensely more personal, and now here he was watching as she slept on his couch in his home.

  He had her exactly where he most wanted her, and his hands were tied and he was unable to act on the attraction between them.

  Still, he found himself getting up so he could be closer to her. He knelt in front of the couch, his fingers going to trace the baby-soft skin on her cheek.

  Her hair was pulled into a ponytail, as it always was, but tendrils escaped and floated down her face, giving her an air of vulnerability that made his chest tighten.

  He’d seen her at her most vulnerable. At her lowest point. It was an image he wished he could wash from his memory. Her broken and bloody, her eyes awash with shame.

  Even now it was like a punch to the stomach. He couldn’t even think about it without wanting to put his fist through a wall.

  He lowered his lips to brush across her brow, and then, because it wasn’t enough, he let his mouth linger, simply absorbing the sensation of having her so close.

  He inhaled deeply, taking in the fragrance of her shampoo and the smell of her soap, a scent he now identified as uniquely hers.

  She stirred beneath him, and then her eyelids fluttered open. He pulled away because he didn’t want to panic her if she was still half asleep. But she smiled at him, her eyes flashing with instant recognition.

  “Did I sleep too long?” she whispered.

  He smiled and shook his head. “Not at all. You’ve been out for a couple of hours. I figured you needed to catch up.”

  “Oh good, so I didn’t miss the steaks?”

  “Nope. They’re marinating now, and as soon as I get the grill fired up, I’ll throw them on and we can hang out on the patio if you feel up to it.”

  She let out a soft sigh that sent a streak of pleasure through his senses. She’d made sounds like that the night they’d spent together. Sounds of satisfaction, like she was happy in the world.

  He’d do anything he could to give her those small moments. Anything at all to remove the shadows in her mind. He wanted to give her new memories to replace the painful ones.

  “Know what I’d really like?” she asked, a wistful note to her voice.

  He almost laughed, because at present, she could ask for anything at all and he’d damn near kill himself making sure she got it.

  “What’s that?”

  “A really long, hot shower.”

  He frowned a moment, contemplating the possible ramifications.

  “I’m not sure you should be standing that long on your own.”

  Her face bloomed with color—one of the few times he could ever remember her blushing.

  “I can make it,” she said. “As long as I can brace my hand on the shower wall, I’ll be fine. If I have any trouble, I promise I’ll holler for you.”

  “Works for me,” he said, giving in. Not like he’d have denied her anyway. “I’ll help you into the bathroom, make sure you have all the stuff you need, and then I’ll wait in the kitchen.”

  “That sounds heavenly. Help me up?”

  She reached out her hand and he stood, letting his fingers twine with hers. She pulled herself into a sitting position, gingerly letting her legs slide over the side of the couch.

  He should have taken her straight to Fort Campbell. It’s what Steele had wanted, but Cole had wanted her here. He wanted to give her some downtime and not take her to a place where she’d be constantly reminded of her injury and how she’d gotten it.

  Besides, P.J. was tough. She wasn’t going to wimp out over a simple flesh wound.

  “How about you let me give you some pain medication so you can enjoy the evening,” he said.

  For a moment he thought she would refuse, but then she sighed. “Okay.”

  “I’ll have it for you when you get out of the shower. I put your bag in the spare bedroom. Holler if you need anything.”

  She nodded and then started in the direction of the bathroom. Though she’d never been here before, she found her way a
round well enough. It wasn’t like the house was so huge she’d get lost.

  After reassuring himself she wasn’t going to fall, he hurried out to light the grill, not wanting to be outside for long in case she needed him.

  When he returned inside, he went to the bathroom and put his ear to the door. Hearing the water running, he relaxed and went back to the kitchen so he could start on dinner preparations.

  If he had his way, he and P.J. were going to enjoy a peaceful evening together. Just the two of them. No team. No job. No outside world.

  CHAPTER 27

  P.J. felt about two hundred percent better after boiling herself in the hot shower. She’d even removed the bandages from her wound and cleaned it too. She’d get Cole to help her reapply the dressing until she got it looked at the next day at the hospital.

  She put on a pair of gym shorts so the wound was easily accessible and then pulled on a T-shirt, not bothering with a bra. One, she didn’t have that much up top to worry over, and two, Cole had already seen everything she had. They should be well past the coy and modest stage by now.

  After putting on socks to keep her feet warm, she carefully made her way back toward the living room. Cole wasn’t there, but she heard noise from the kitchen, so she went in search of him.

  He was just placing the steaks on a platter to take them outside when he looked up and saw her.

  “Hey,” he said softly. “Feel better?”

  “You have no idea,” she breathed. “Almost human again.”

  He set down the plate with the steaks and wiped his hands on a towel. Then he picked up a medicine bottle, shook out a pill and handed it to her.

  “Just a sec, I’ll get you some milk to take it with. Not a good idea to take these on an empty stomach.”

  She took the pill and waited while he poured a glass of milk and pushed it toward her on the counter. She sipped at the milk, grimacing before finally popping the pill into her mouth and drinking more to down it.

  “Not a milk fan?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t even like the smell of it. I get my calcium by eating cheese. Lots of it.”

  “What would you like to drink with dinner? I’d offer you a beer but it wouldn’t go too well with that painkiller you just took.”

  “Tea or water is fine. I’m more focused on the steak anyway. I’m already drooling over it and it’s still raw.”

  He grinned. “Girl after my own heart. I’m a big fan of cow.”

  “Oh, I’m not particular. I’ll eat a chicken or a pig with as much enthusiasm.”

  He glanced down at her bare leg and frowned. “That wound looks pretty nasty. We should get another bandage on it.”

  “Yeah, I thought you could help once you got the steaks on. I wanted to clean it in the shower. Plus the hot water felt good on it.”

  “Can you make it outside or you want me to go put the steaks on then come back for you?”

  She took a hesitant step forward, gripping the countertop. “You lead and I’ll follow. I’ll do my very best not to take a header.”

  He smiled and picked up the platter, placing the tongs on top. As he walked out of the kitchen to the French doors overlooking the patio, she followed slowly behind him. By the time she made it to the door, he was already putting the steaks on the fire.

  She stepped outside and breathed in the honeysuckle-scented air. Crickets chirped in the distance and the low hum of tree locusts rose in the evening air. The sky was covered with the pale shade of dusk and the sun was barely clinging to the horizon as it slipped lower and lower.

  It was a perfect evening for a cookout.

  She took a seat at the table and stretched her leg out to its full length underneath. The pain medication was already dulling the vicious ache, turning it to a more tolerable hum.

  “It’s beautiful here,” she said as Cole lowered the lid to the grill.

  “I like it. It’s close to work but it’s still private. I don’t have to worry about tripping over anyone when I’m here. It’s kind of nice after coming off a mission to hole up away from the world for a few days.”

  “Steele had been bugging me to move out this way. You know, before that last mission and all.”

  Cole studied her intently. “And? Were you considering it?”

  “I don’t know,” she said honestly. “Before, I would have likely given it thought but probably would have put it off or made an excuse. I was comfortable in my routine and I liked that work was a world away from where I lived.”

  “And now? You said before like things have changed, or at least your thinking has.”

  She gazed over the pond, watching as the first firefly popped and glowed a line over the water before blinking off again.

  There was something mesmerizing about fireflies. Something that took her back to her childhood when things were simple and summer days were spent chasing dreams.

  It was a wake-up call that so much of her adulthood had been spent being unsatisfied with herself, her relationships and her jobs.

  When had she changed from a laughing little girl dreaming of changing the world to a cynical adult who believed the world wasn’t savable?

  “P.J.?”

  Cole broke softly into her thoughts, and she realized he was waiting for a response to his question.

  “Now I’m not so sure. It was actually the night you came into the bar when I had this moment of realization that I was still living in the past by hanging around in Denver. There’s nothing for me there. No reason to stay. No ties. Nothing. At least here I’d be closer to work if nothing else.”

  “You’d have me,” he said.

  She lifted her gaze to his and their eyes locked. He didn’t flinch away. Didn’t try to hide anything from her.

  “I don’t want to screw up our friendship. I can’t lose that, Cole. It’s too important to me. It’s why I reacted the way I did the morning after, because all I could think was how stupid I’d been to risk something that means so very much to me.”

  “You aren’t going to lose me, P.J. Don’t doom us before we even give it a shot.”

  She dropped her gaze and returned it to the pond again, counting the fireflies as they danced through the air. More and more were popping into view, and the sounds of night grew louder. In the distance, an owl hooted, sending an eerie shiver down her spine.

  Was he right? Was she guilty of not even giving them a shot? Of shooting them down before they even gave it a chance?

  She was being a total chickenshit and offering up lame excuses when at the heart of the matter she was just . . . afraid.

  “What if it doesn’t work out?” she asked, voicing one of those fears. “What if things end badly between us? We still have to work as a team, and if we fuck things up, it creates tension for the entire team yet we have to work together. Our camaraderie is what makes us so damn good. We could fuck up not only ourselves, but the entire team. Worse, we could end up getting one of the others killed. I don’t think I could live with that.”

  “If it ever comes down to that, I’d be the one to leave,” he said quietly. “I’d never force you out, P.J.”

  “It would still devastate me,” she whispered.

  “Don’t you believe in forever?” he asked. “What about all those romance novels you read? Don’t they preach the happily-ever-after message?”

  His words put an ache in her heart. She wanted happily ever after more than he could possibly know. She wanted forever. Problem was, she just wasn’t sure she believed in it anymore. It was why she clung to her fiction so much. She immersed herself in books because there she could be anyone and it was easy to believe in love and happily ever after.

  “You’d make an awesome romance heroine. I’m just saying.”

  She smiled. “You’d make a pretty badass romance hero too.”

  “See? It’s fate. Or destiny. Whatever you want to call it. We’re meant to be together. Wow, I’m starting to sound like a total pussy!”

  She laughed, but the probl
em was, she was beginning to feel the same way. Cole just . . . fit. There wasn’t anything she didn’t like about him, even when he was annoying the shit out of her.

  It was fun to bicker and snipe with him. He gave as good as he got but he never carried a grudge. Never took it too seriously. And he didn’t let his ego get in the way of things. She’d saved his ass plenty of times and he never resented her for it.

  Her KGI team was everything her first team wasn’t. Loyal. They respected her. They stood by her even when it meant putting their jobs on the line.

  The sudden thought occurred to her that she was a flaming hypocrite. It was like being blindsided by a right hook. Her thoughts must have been reflected on her face, because Cole’s brow wrinkled in concern and he sat forward.

  “What’s up, P.J.? You okay?”

  She let out a disgusted sigh and rubbed her forehead in agitation. “I was sitting here comparing S.W.A.T. with KGI and I was being all smug and self-righteous thinking that my team here is everything my old team wasn’t. I’ve been so pissed at them for so long, but it occurred to me that I’m a huge fucking hypocrite.”

  He reared back in surprise. “Why the hell would you think something like that?”

  “I turned my lover in for being dirty. I was so self-righteous and so ‘must do the right thing’ and I was so black-and-white back then. There were no reasons, no explanations. No excuses. You were either right or wrong. No in between. And yet here I am, having murdered three men in cold blood and casually plotting the death of a fourth. My hands are so stained with blood that I’ll never wash them clean. At least Derek wasn’t hurting anyone. He didn’t kill anyone. He stole money from losers and drug dealers.”

  Cole scowled, his face darkening as he stared back at her. “You aren’t comparing yourself to that asshole.”

  She made a sound of impatience. “Look at it objectively, Cole. I turn him in for being on the take. I get hung out to dry and I’m bitter because everyone turned on me. Shit happens here, I go off on my own and kill three men. Who’s the bigger criminal? You guys have every reason to wash your hands of me.”