Wrecking Us Saving You

by Leaona Luxx

  “I’m asking for a rush on them, tomorrow at the latest.” She stands, checking Silas one last time. “The nurse will be right back with the orders.” She leaves the room, and I panic.

  “Chord, his insurance hasn’t kicked in.” My gut turns, this isn’t good.

  He steps over to me, squatting as he takes my hand in his. “Don’t. I’ve got this, you know that. He comes first, always.”

  I fall over, my head on his hands, tears springing to my eyes. “He has to be alright. He has to be.”

  Chord presses his lips to the back of my head. “He will be, baby.”

  The nurse comes in, interrupting us. “I’m sorry. Here’s the papers you’ll need; just go to the hospital, and they’ll take care of it. As soon as we have any information, we’ll call.”

  I take the papers as Chord gets Silas. We go straight to the hospital. After all the tests, we take him home, putting him back in bed with us. Wednesday morning, he’s still not feeling well.

  “No, Sarah. He needs to be here, resting, and so do you.” Chord sighs as he slips his shoes on.

  “I don’t want to let anyone down, Chord. Everyone has been so good to us.”

  Chord hooks me by the loop of my shorts, yanking me to him. “They’re good to you because they love you, and they’re your family. Sarah, you don’t have to be with me for this family to love you both. They love you, always have.”

  “I know.” I sigh.

  “Call me anytime you need me. One will probably send me home, but I need to get these proposals in today.” He puts a stack of papers in his briefcase.

  “Please be careful, you haven’t had any sleep. Between him and working all night, I know you’re tired.”

  “Promise.” He leans in, kissing Silas on the forehead. “Call me.” He presses his lips to mine.

  I follow him downstairs, watching as he leaves. He waves before turning onto the road, and my heart falls. I miss him already. I pick the house up, putting the dishes in the dishwasher and throwing in some laundry.

  Silas wakes around ten, he wants to come downstairs to watch television. I get him set up, joining him on the other end. I jump when my phone buzzes. I pick it up quickly, thinking it’s Chord.

  “Hello.”

  “Mrs. Hamilton, this is Doctor Perri.” Her voice, low and professional, makes me jittery.

  “Yes, Doctor Perri?”

  “Could I have you bring Silas in. I have some results I’d like to go over with you,” she says, making my chest tighten.

  “What’s wrong? Is he okay?” I struggle for air.

  “I can explain it better once you’re here,” she says.

  “We’ll be right there. Thank you.” I don’t give her time to finish, I hang up, dialing Chord immediately.

  “Hey, baby.” Chord’s voice calms me as soon as I hear it.

  “Doctor Perri called, she wants to see us in the office.” I take the stairs two at a time to find some clothes.

  “Did she say what for?” he asks as I hear papers shuffling in the background. “One...”

  “No, just to come now. Chord...” I stutter.

  “I’m on my way, he’s gonna be fine.” He tries to calm me. “They want to see us, I’m out.”

  “Call me,” One says.

  “Will do. I’m leaving now.” A door shuts.

  “I love you.”

  “I love you both. Most.” Chord ends the call as his car starts.

  Chord carries Silas into the office, going over to sit as I sign him in. The nurse looks up, recognizing me.

  “Oh, no, you don’t have to do that. She’s waiting in her office for you. Come on back.” She waves, walking to the door.

  “Chord, she’s waiting.” He holds the door as I walk through, Silas still glued to him.

  The nurse stands beside a door. “Right in here.”

  “Thank you,” I say as I walk through, Chord and Silas sit to the right of me.

  “Mister Hamilton, let’s have the nurse sit with Silas across the hall.” She stands, escorting them over there. Chord’s eyes are glassy when he sits back down, wrapping my hand with his.

  “We’re fine. We’re going to be alright,” he whispers as she sits across from us.

  “So I received Silas’ x-ray’s and wanted to wait on the bloodwork before I called. Things like these can be alarming and still turn out to be okay.” She shifts through some papers.

  I cut my eyes at Chord, his head is turned to the right. I lean over to see what he’s looking at, it’s x-rays. I can’t tell what they are, but when Chord’s hand starts shaking, I get nauseous.

  “What did you find?” Chord’s voice matches his hands.

  “Honestly, I’m not sure. I don’t like what I see in the tests I’ve had done, but I’m also not a specialist. I want to refer Silas to a Pediatric Oncologist.” Her eyes flicker from mine to Chord’s.

  Chord freezes, making my heart to clench. “I don’t understand.”

  “It’s a cancer specialist.” My head starts shaking all by itself, mimicking my entire body.

  “No, you’re wrong, you could be wrong. Right?” My body tingles, going numb all over. Chord slips his arm around me, saying one word.

  “When?”

  “She’s willing to see him within the week.” Doctor Perri starts writing something.

  “Within the week? So soon?” My ears are ringing when I become lightheaded.

  “We’ll be there.” Chord’s hands tremble, but he seems so calm.

  “I’ll call her now, just a second.” She picks up the phone, dialing.

  I rotate in my seat, glaring at Chord. “What’s going on, I don’t understand?”

  He lays his hand on my cheek, tears welling in his eyes. “She thinks Silas has cancer.”

  The room starts spinning, I feel dizzy. I fumble to hold on to the chair. “No. She’s wrong. Please, Chord, please tell me she’s wrong.” I crumble into his arms.

  “Here’s the directions, they’ll call with an appointment.” She stands, reaching Chord the paper. “I’m hoping I’m wrong.”

  “Me too.” Chord helps me stand as we go to get our son.

  Chord carries Silas, while I lean into him. He helps us both in the car, driving us home. On the way, he calls One. His voice cracking as he speaks.

  “Hey, what’s going on?” One answers.

  “We’re going to Duke this week, they’re getting Silas in quickly.” His hand shakes as he holds the phone.

  “Duke? Why?” One’s calm enough for five people, so when I can hear the concern in his voice, it sends me over the edge again. My chest heaves as I hold back the tears.

  “Pediatric Oncologist.” He runs his hand over his face, still pretending to be strong. “Call Mom and Dad, would you?”

  “I will, hang in there. We love y’all.” Chord ends the call without responding.

  He drives us home, fragile yet the strongest person I’ve ever known. Chord helps me out of the backseat, wrapping me in his warm embrace. I’m not sure how long we stand there, but I’ll be damned if I don’t need it.

  “Hey, guys. Are we going inside?” Silas mutters, making us giggle.

  “Yeah, buddy. Your mom is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, sometimes it’s hard to let go.” Chord holds his hand as he steps out.

  “You feel like walking?” Silas nods, swaying as he walks. Chord and I both take him by the hand.

  We get him settled, then busy ourselves picking up. I left laundry in the washer and dishes to be finished. As we pass, we touch, helping me to hold on to what little strength I have left.

  I join Silas on the couch, Chord kneels in front of me as I hold our son’s head. “Sarah, I promise you, I’ll do everything in my power for Silas.”

  I dry my face, struggling to breathe. “I know.” The doorbell rings, and he kisses me before going to let our family in.

  Thayer slips in beside me, laying her head against mine. The rest filter in behind her, Lea, Elise, and Cal sit across from
us. One and Hardy stand with Chord.

  “What exactly happened today?” One asks.

  “She did a blood panel and x-rays yesterday. The tests came back, and she wants him to go to Duke. She even went on to say she hopes she’s wrong. I looked at the x-ray, I’m no expert but something’s there.” Chord runs his hands through his hair.

  “Do you know when you’ll be going?” One says.

  “She called in a favor and we’re waiting for an appointment this week with the Pediatric Oncologist. We’ll drive up early, the night before.” Chord begins to straighten things around the room again. I don’t think my heart can take this, he’s trying to keep his mind busy after thinking about the x-rays.

  “You will not, driving is out of the question.” Lea texts on her phone. “You’ll be ready to leave when they give you the day and time, there will also be a car waiting.”

  “Thank you,” I gasp, and Thayer holds me closer.

  “Let’s wait, see what they tell us and we can go from there,” Cal says, holding Elise’s hand.

  We get a call the next day for the beginning of the week. Four more days of this, I suppose we’re only beginning, but the thought of waiting a week feels impossible right now.

  The weekend drags by, and I’m at the end of my rope. I want answers, and they can’t come soon enough. I pack Silas a bag, still numb. Later, I watch as Chord sets a bigger bag on the end of our bed.

  “You runnin’ away?” I wrinkle my nose.

  “Don’t you wish you could get rid of me that easily?” He turns, taking clothes out of the chest.

  “Can we run away? Let’s just pretend no one said anything and runaway,” I beg, my stomach turning.

  He sits beside me, laying back to cuddle. No words, just the sound of our son breathing.

  I wake to the sound of vomiting. I reach for Silas, but he’s not there. I hit the floor, running to the bathroom.

  Chord kneels beside Silas, holding him up as he vomits. My stomach revolts, not feeling nauseous but for my child. I take one shaky step after the other until I’m behind him.

  “I’m sorry, I must’ve dozed off.” I rub Silas’ back. “Let me get you a cold cloth, sweetheart.”

  “We’re alright, even made it before it went anywhere.” Chord’s face doesn’t reflect his upbeat words. The wrinkle in his forehead says it all.

  “I think I’m done.” I wipe his face with the washcloth. “Can I have a popsicle?”

  “You better believe it.” Chord follows him back to bed. “I’ll be right back, you want anything?”

  “I think I may want one too.” I squeeze his hand.

  “Three popsicles coming up.” He jogs to the stairs.

  Silas scoots close to me, snuggling into the crook of my arm. “Daddy scooped me up like Superman.” He giggles.

  “He did? Maybe we need to find him a cape.” Silas laughs louder.

  “Find who, what?” Chord runs through the door, jumping on the bed with popsicles in hand.

  “You, a cape so you can be Superman.” Silas reaches for his treat. “I want the red.”

  Chord gives it to him. “Momma?”

  “I want blue.” He hands it over.

  “That leaves me with purple.” He pops it in his mouth. “Oh, Grandmother said she’s going to the store tomorrow, do we need anything?”

  I wince. “We need a hundred things since I didn’t go this weekend.”

  “Text her a list, baby.” I cut my eyes at him. “Yes?”

  “It’s a long list.”

  “Make sure it has popsicles on it.” Silas holds his in the air.

  “Did you get that?” Chord smiles boyishly as I reach for my phone.

  “Here it is.” I point to the door for Sarah.

  “I need to go pee.” Silas hasn’t done much of anything the last few days.

  I scan the hall, seeing a restroom at the end. “I’ll take him, you check us in.”

  Holding the door, I allow Sarah to walk through and then take Silas down the hall. “Here ya go.” I stand back, allowing him room.

  “I can’t.” He sighs.

  “That’s okay, I do that too.” I help him with his clothes, pointing him to the sink. “Get in there, let’s wash up.”

  Once we’re done, I turn to the door. “I’m tired.” Silas stands against the wall.

  “How about I piggyback you?” His face lights up, and I think my chest caves in. What in the hell am I gonna do?

  We walk in the door to find Sarah filling out more papers. “They want insurance information.” Her face is pinched up as I sit Silas down.

  “Are you finished with it?”

  “Just the insurance.” I hold my hand out for the clipboard.

  I walk over to the window, knowing there’s no privacy. “Here’s what we have, he doesn’t have insurance.”

  “We’ll need a payment today and you’ll need to arrange future payment with billing.” The receptionist’s face falls, she knows it’s bullshit too.

  I pull my checkbook out, staring at her. “How much? And I’ll let billing know it’s cash.”

  “One minute, Mister Hamilton.” She turns to the computer, types something and turns with her eyes wide. “There’s no charge. Apparently, you have a line of credit.”

  “By the name of Hadlea Woods, I’m sure.” My breath hitches. “My sister-in-law.”

  “You must have a great family.” She hands me a receipt.

  “We do. Thank you.” I take my seat next to Sarah. She’s staring off into the distance, mind wandering, waiting for an answer.

  “We’re gonna break your inheritance, aren’t we?” She chews her lip. I reach up, tugging on her chin until she releases it.

  “No, we’re one of the lucky ones, we have Lea.” My heart skips a beat as I take out my phone. Sarah draws my attention, giggling as she holds up her phone.

  “Lea?” I nod. “We’re gonna owe her a million dollars.”

  “All worth it.” I lean over, checking on Silas, his head in Sarah’s lap. “You doing okay, Si?”

  He sighs heavily. “Yeah, I wanna go home.”

  “Me too, buddy. Me too.”

  “Hey, y’all aren’t leaving me here. Me three.” Sarah messes Silas’ hair up.

  “Hamilton,” the nurse calls from the door. Sarah raises Silas up, but he reaches for me.

  “You want a ride?” He smiles, nodding his head.

  The nurse weighs Silas and takes his temperature, then she seats us in room eight. I sit Silas on the table, he tugs at my shirt.

  “Stay with me.” His round eyes, pleading.

  “I wasn’t going anywhere.” I hop up on the table, and he leans against me. Sarah turns her head, my chest feels so heavy.

  A knock at the door makes us jump. “Hello, Hamilton family. How are we doing?” A tall, lanky woman with dark hair walks through the door. She stretches her hand out to Sarah. “Mrs. Hamilton.”

  “Sarah’s fine.” She takes her hand.

  “Momma’s not a Hamilton, just me and Daddy. They might get married later.” Silas puts it all out there, and Sarah’s face turns bright red.

  “Oh, well. Sarah it is, Mister Hamilton. Silas.” She shakes our hands.

  “Chord is fine.”

  “Alright, Doctor Perri sent me her tests. It looks as though there’s a mass in the abdomen, and his blood work is concerning.” She looks over more papers.

  “A mass?” Sarah asks.

  “Yes, it’s clearly on the x-ray.” She writes something in his file. “How long are you here for?”

  “As long as we need to be.” My eyes on Sarah, she nods in agreement.

  “I’ll have the nurse get you some hotel information. I’d like to do a battery of tests; I’ll have them schedule most for tomorrow, and we’ll do what we can today.” She looks from Sarah to me.

  “Can you give us an indication of what we’re talking about here?” Sarah bites her lip. I don’t realize I’m holding my breath until after she says it out loud.
>
  “It could be cancer, but we’re a long way from diagnosing anything.” She stands, pausing at the door. “You’re both doing incredibly well; hang in there, and let’s get this.”

  “We don’t have any other choice.” Sarah sniffles.

  “He’s all we have.”

  “Let me get things moving.” As the door closes, Sarah rushes to Silas. He’s in her arms, as if she can protect him from all of this.

  “I’m gonna shoot One a quick text.”

  Here for the night.

  Will call later.

  Need to find a room.

  I’ll tell the pilot. ~O

  Thank you.

  Lea said he’s on standby. ~O

  You have a room at The Durham. ~O

  A car will be waiting. ~O

  Thank you brother.

  We love y’all. ~O

  Love you.

  “We have a room and a car.”

  Sarah’s eyes flash to mine. “Lea?”

  “Yeah. Have I told you how amazing she is?”

  “You did, but you can do it again.” Her mouth is pressed into a thin line.

  I slide from the bed, wrapping them in my arms. “We’re gonna make it through this, baby. We are.”

  A nurse pushes the door open, but we don’t move. “Excuse me, I’m sorry. We’re going to take Silas for some testing. I even have a ride for him.” She pulls a wheelchair in, but he shakes his head, scowling.

  “Daddy can carry me.” He reaches for me, to not be denied.

  “He might get tired of holding you everywhere we’re going.” The nurse wrinkles her forehead.

  “I’ll be fine.” She searches my eyes, smiling.

  “Well then, let’s start with bloodwork.” She leads the way.

  After a day of scans, tests, and imaging, they give us a time for a biopsy tomorrow morning. My arm is shredded by the end of the day but there was no way in hell I was going to not carry him. Holding him close to my heart is where I need him.

  Sarah is helping Silas bathe, so I decide to call One and give him an update. He answers on the first ring.

  “Hi, how are you?” I lose it with the sound of his voice. I step outside of the room to talk.

  “I can’t, I just got him. This isn’t fucking fair, One. Why? God damnit.” I slide down the wall, allowing the tears to fall.