Wrecking Us Saving You

by Leaona Luxx

  “Sketti!” Silas yells. “Momma, can I have an orange pop?”

  My eyes cut to Chord. “I don’t care what you have, as long as you’re happy.” I nod, tears filling my eyes.

  “Yeah, what Daddy said. You name it, you’ve got it.” I pat his back.

  “I want Doritos too.” Silas narrows his eyes as if he’s waiting for the ‘no’.

  Thayer yells from the kitchen, “Uncle Hardy’s going to get some now!”

  “Y’all don’t have to do that, he can wait,” Chord says, rubbing the back of his neck.

  “Not a chance, little brother.” One wraps Chord into a bear hug, his body jerking as he struggles to not completely lose his composure.

  “Let’s eat.” I stand, picking Silas up with a giggle.

  “What is it?” he asks.

  “I’ve laughed for weeks at your dad for carrying you everywhere, knowing you can walk anywhere and here I am, packin’ your butt.” Chord’s arms embrace us, holding us.

  “So you’ve been laughing at me, huh?” He chuckles.

  “Maybe.” Silas and I stare at each other, eyes wide.

  “I’ll take care of that later.” He gigs me in the side as he tickles Silas.

  We take a much-needed break from all things doctors, tomorrow’s another day. The evening is spent laughing and loving this life. Celebrating what’s most important—family.

  The days ahead will be long and rough, but we’ll make it as we always do, together. Silas starts his treatments on Wednesday. I’m not sure who’s going to take it rougher. My stomach rolls with fear.

  A week into them and Silas is still as amazing as always.

  “Here ya go, baby.” I hand him some orange pop, it’s fast become his favorite.

  He takes a drink, it’s cold so it has to help his belly. “That’s so good.” He smacks his lips. “Why did you change your mind about me having pop?”

  “We want you to be happy, I mean, if you have to be sick, why not have fun doing it?” Chord scrunches nose, putting his forehead against Silas’.

  Silas takes another gulp. “It’s so good.”

  “Let me see that?” Chord reaches for his cup.

  “No way, mister. Go get your own.” He holds Chord off.

  “You two are going to spill it,” I admonish them. Their mouths form perfect o’s, as if they’re in trouble. Not hardly but I won’t tell them that right now.

  The weeks grow from one to three. Silas doesn’t complain, but my heart breaks every time we bathe him.

  He’s wasting away, and I can’t bear to look at his little body some days. “Is it worth it?” Chord’s words echo my thoughts.

  “It has to be, Chord. It better the fuck be, if we’ve allowed him to be put through this for nothing.” I tremble all over.

  He reaches for my hand, as he has so many nights the last few months, lacing his fingers in mine. “Hold on, Sarah. Hold on.”

  “I’m trying.” I bat the tears away. “I feel so selfish.”

  “No, baby. If you are, that means I am too.” His grip tightens as my heart fails to beat, and I catch my breath. “Sing him your dad’s song.”

  My eyes flash to his, searching for his reason, but all I see is love and that’s good enough for me. “Standing next to him is like standing next to a thousand suns, not a cluster of stars could outshine. I knew that a part of him belonged to the world, but the world that is within him, is all mine.”

  Chord slips from his side of the bed to crawl in behind me. Cradling me in his arms, safe from all the monsters that torment me. I promise myself, I’ll tell him all the words I’ve never been able to say, soon.

  I stand, leaning against the wall, watching them sleep. Sarah has dark circles under her eyes that rival Silas’. She’s up and down more than he even is, checking on him night and day.

  Two months have passed since we began this hellish nightmare. Someone can wake me up whenever they want because I’m fucking over it. One minute, anger consumes me and the next, I think, why allow it to rob me of what time I might have left? So I move beyond anger for the time being.

  On days I need to work, they sleep in his bed, but I can’t do that anymore. Today, I told One, if his tests come back bad, I’m staying home until I have to come back. Here is the only place I have to be, need to be.

  His little body is bruised and weak. His hair, once thick and wavy, is almost gone. The medicine to cure him sure does look like it’s actually killing him. His port always in our faces, screaming at us that our days are numbered.

  His oxygen giving him air as we find ourselves not breathing. My chest heaves, my body on the edge of convulsing as the realization sets in of the inevitable, eating at my soul every day. Hate, my new go to emotion. Now, I get it.

  Fuck cancer.

  “Hey.” Sarah’s sweet voice coaxes me from the ledge, bringing me back to them.

  I kneel beside the bed, laying my head on her arm. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “What time is it?” She rolls toward me, wrapping her arm around my shoulders.

  I gasp, trying to calm myself. “It’s umm, six in the evening.”

  “I need to get up, we’ve slept on and off all day.” Her eyes close involuntary as she says it. I sweep her hair behind her ear, seeing her in a different light than I ever have.

  “Hi, Daddy.” The sweetest little squeak in the world calls my name.

  I stand, easing over to him, so as not to wake Sarah again. “Hey, Si. How are ya, buddy?”

  “I’m hungry.” I help him to sit up.

  “Wanna go find something to eat?” He nods. I pick him up, easier than before, taking his oxygen off. My heart seizes at the mere thought of how tiny he was, and now, he’s even smaller.

  I lay him on the couch, replacing his breathing mask. “I want Doritos and orange pop.”

  “Alright, how about some of Grandmother’s homemade soup?” I try to encourage him to eat more.

  “Umm, sure. Can I dip my Doritos in it?” He wrinkles his nose.

  “Is there any other way to eat soup?”

  He giggles. “Nope.”

  I fix him a tray, joining him on the couch. Sarah must be exhausted, she never goes this long without coming to look for him.

  “You have an appointment tomorrow, how about after, we go fishing?”

  “Cool. I still want to go camping too.” He dips his chips, nibbling as best he can. His stomach swollen, skin paper thin and yet, he’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on.

  “We can go camping, we’ll do anything you want.”

  “Dad, why do you and Mom cry so much anymore? We used to laugh all the time, don’t you love each other still?” A little v forms between his eyes.

  “We love each other, we’re just worried. We want to make things better for all of us but don’t know how.” My chest is heavy as the weight lays on me like concrete.

  “But you told me, sometimes things happen the way they should and we have to be happy no matter what.” His lopsided smile wrecks me.

  “I promise you, from this point on, we’ll be happy.” I ruffle his head.

  “Here you two are. Something smells good.” I hand my bowl to Sarah, she needs it more than me. She sits on my lap, her back against the couch arm, facing Silas. “This is so good.” She takes another bite as her stomach growls. It’s then I notice the weight she’s lost. That can’t happen.

  We sit for hours on the couch, talking and making plans for the future, not knowing how long we’ll have together. I carry Silas to our bed that night, Sarah’s brows furrow in question without asking.

  “I need you both here.” She runs her hand down my arm to clasp my hand.

  “Always.” Her body molds to mine, as we hold one another up.

  I put Silas in the exam room across the hall from us as the nurse comes to sit with him. He’s playing on his iPad when I kiss him on the head.

  “Don’t play poker with him, I owe him two hundred dollar
s; he’s a shark.” I wink at him, leaving him laughing.

  Sarah and I sit straight when the doctor comes in with his test results. It’s funny how the mind can know so much, be packed with knowledge and understanding, but in this moment, our heart springs hope.

  “Chord, Sarah. I just had a look at Silas, he’s his father.” She smiles at Sarah.

  “Tell me about it.” She elbows me.

  “I’m sure you both know what I’m about to say. Please, I hope you understand how hard this is. We have growth, no shrinkage. There’s been no response to treatment, at this time. I’m recommending that we discontinue the medicine and allow him to remain comfortable until he passes.” A train roars down the track in my head, my ears reverberate the sound. My chest tightens as I will air into my burning lungs.

  “There’s nothing else we can try?” Sarah’s breath hitches as her words come out garbled.

  I swallow hard, forcing my words out. “I was reading about a trial at Vanderbilt, does he not qualify?”

  “I’m working closely with that trial. At this time, Silas would not be a candidate. My best advice, take him home and make the time you have left all that you want and need for it to be. I’m so sorry, I wish I had better options.” Her hands shake as she sits at her desk.

  I swallow past the bile, closing my eyes to regroup. I release a long, exaggerated breath. “Alright, okay.”

  “I’ll continue his oxygen and pain medicines. He’ll need a home health aide to come in for check-ups. I’ll have him back in two weeks.” She stands, walking out from around her desk. “Silas is a remarkable young man, he made his mark.”

  I pull Sarah up with me, trembling. “Thank you, we think so too.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Of course, thank you.” I force a smile, shaking her hand.

  I gather my family for our trip home, one we’ll never forget. Silas lays his head on my shoulder, Sarah clutches my side as we walk out of the hospital. The fallen faces don’t help, it’s as if people know our world is ending.

  Sarah cradles Silas on the trip back, their hearts speaking as they did once before, silently to one another. Hers willing to beat for him, his tired and ready to quit. I send a quick text to my brother, letting him know the outcome.

  We’re coming home.

  Any news?~O

  No hope.

  Coming home to say goodbye.

  I’m sorry. ~O

  Love y’all. ~O

  Love y’all.

  I end my text with One, turning my attention to my family. I’m not sure how we’ll do this, if we can do this. I’m lost in thought as we pull up to our home, Sarah taps my leg.

  “Chord, we’re home.” Her swollen eyes as red as her nose.

  I jump from the car, hurrying around to their side. “I’m sorry, let me get him.”

  “Daddy, do we have any of Grandmother’s sketti?” Silas peps up.

  “No, but I’m sure we can get some.”

  Sarah types on her phone before opening the door. “I sent her a text, give her an hour.” She tweaks his nose.

  I sit him on the couch, setting up his tank. “Hey, how about a snack while we wait?”

  “Popsicle?” He scrunches his nose.

  “I’ll get them.” Sarah rubs my back, I grab her hand, kissing it before letting her go.

  “I have an idea, y’all.”

  “Oh, no. Should I be scared?” Sarah giggles.

  “No.” I wink at Silas. “Well, maybe.”

  “Am I gonna regret this?” Sarah sits next to me, handing over popsicles.

  “I was hoping you’d want to help.” I take her legs, putting them on top of mine. I smile, wide eyed at Silas.

  “What is it?” Silas grins.

  “I want to plan a lot of fun things. I want us to play and laugh, do things we’ve never done. What do you think?” I cock my brow at him.

  Silas’ brows shoot to his hairline. “Yeah, let’s do it.”

  “What are you talkin’ about exactly?” Sarah narrows her eyes at me.

  I rub her leg, smiling. “You’ll like it, I promise.”

  The doorbell rings, and she jumps up to go get it. “As long as it’s not dangerous.”

  My mouth hangs open as I turn to Silas, he snickers. “Me, dangerous?”

  “Hey, Grandmother and Grandpa are on the way.” One walks through with his hands full of stuff.

  “We’re never gonna eat all of this.” Sarah shakes her head.

  The rest of the family slowly gather, and we enjoy the night with no talk of the future. We live for today, in the moment, laughing and loving. Each family member makes their way to Silas, making sure he knows just how fucking much he’s loved.

  After the house is empty, I carry our son to bed. Soon, I won’t have the opportunity to do it.

  “He’s fast asleep.” Sarah rubs his belly.

  I chuckle. “Man, to be able to sleep like that again.”

  “Seriously, no worries at all.” Her face falls, and she begins chewing on her lip.

  “Should we tell him?” Her eyes are round as baseballs.

  She shakes her head. “No, of course not. I mean, tell him what?”

  “I don’t mean right now, but when it’s closer. Should we tell him he’s going to Heaven?”

  “No.” She wipes her nose. “I don’t know, what if he asks?”

  “Then we’ll tell him, together.”

  “Alright, together.” She reaches for my hand and we lace our fingers, holding on to all we have left.

  I wake up early the next morning and begin to make a list of things I want us to do, things he needs to do before he’s gone. I want him to have every experience that a boy should have, even the ones his mom might not forgive me for but will laugh when we do it.

  I hit One up, explaining my idea.

  “Hey, you’re up early.”

  “Yeah, I need some help.” My chest aches, thinking of what lies on the other side.

  “Whatever you need,” One replies.

  “I have a list of things I think Silas needs to do.”

  “I’m in, you know this. Text me the list, we’ll get started tomorrow.” One is amazing, I’m blessed.

  “Seriously, man. Thank you.”

  “No thanks needed. We’re crushed, Chord. For you and Sarah, but for our family. This is all kinds of fucked up.” His voice quivers.

  “Man, I know. I’m trying to be strong, but I feel selfish and pissed. I’m so damn mad, One.”

  “Absolutely. No one can blame you, I would be.” Rage builds like fire in the pit of my stomach as if it’s being flamed.

  “I pray I have the strength to see this through, I want our son to live his life, even if he has to do it in a matter of weeks.” I rub my eyes.

  “I’m on it, little brother,” One reassures me.

  “Alright, I need to fix them some breakfast. They’ve both lost all kinds of weight, I need Sarah strong.”

  “Let me know if we need to do anything else,” One says.

  “Will do, thank you. Later.”

  “Later.” I end the call, dropping my phone on the table.

  “Good morning.” Sarah traipses over to me, leaning down and kissing me sweetly.

  “Mornin’.” I pull her down, making her straddle me.

  She wraps her arms around my neck, placing her cheek against mine. “What are you doin’ up so early?”

  “Making plans.” I slide my hands to her ass, squeezing it. “Have I ever told you, you have a perfect ass?”

  “Yeah, a million times in high school and a few hundred since then.” She giggles when I do it again.

  “It’s even better now, your hips are to die for. Gives me a hard-on just thinking about them.”

  “You get a hard-on at the mere mention of sex.” She kisses me.

  “True, but you still have a fine ass.” I wrap my hand in her hair, pulling her lips to mine.

  I lay her over on the couch, moving over her. I raise up, taking in th
e beautiful woman who means more than life. Her looks haven’t changed over the years, just the wonderful things having a child does to a woman’s body.

  “I love you, Sarah Beth.”

  “Oh, Chord. I love you, so much.”

  “I’m not sure how to get us through this, please forgive me if I mess it up.”

  She puts her hands on the side of my face. “I feel the same way, baby. I can’t promise to do this the right way, I won’t.”

  “There’s only one way to make it through, that’s together.”

  She pulls my lips to hers and we get lost in this moment, knowing we may not get another any time soon, and we wouldn’t want it any other way. Silas is and always will be the most important thing to us.

  “Are you going to tell me what you have planned?” She peeks over at the list on the table.

  “I sure can, but no telling. I want him to be surprised.” I grab the tablet. “I want him to have all his firsts or at least the one’s we can give him.”

  “Babe, this is perfect.” She covers her mouth, crying. “He’s gonna love this, you’re the best dad, Chord. I knew you would be, but you’ve blown me away.”

  “You’re not too bad yourself, Sarah. I’m blown away by your strength.” I press my lips to hers, loving her the only way I know how. By loving her just as she is and always has been.

  I take her hand. “Let’s go make everything we can for breakfast.”

  “We’ll have breakfast food all day.” She snickers.

  “And why don’t we?” She smiles.

  “Why don’t we.”

  “Where are we going?” Sarah watches the street signs.

  I cut my eyes at her. “Wait for it.”

  “Ughh, have I mentioned I hate waiting?” I chuckle at her exaggerated sigh.

  “Multiple times.” I peek in the rearview mirror. “Are you ready, Si?”

  “Yes! I’m excited to see the surprise.” He holds his arms in the air.

  “How about the...aquarium?”

  His face glows as his smile grows. “You’re joking?”

  “Oh, Silas. It’s the aquarium!” Sarah points out the window.

  “Yay!” They both scream, my heart swells with happiness.

  We spend the entire day at the aquarium, only stopping long enough to eat. Silas is exhausted but sad when we decide it’s enough for the day. I have days planned every few days, and this is just the beginning.