Wrecking Us Saving You

by Leaona Luxx

  “Chord?” Thayer says. “Here, try to dry her face.”

  His shirt is soaked. “Wet it, Thayer, so it’s cool.”

  “Should we call a doctor?” Cal asks as his words float over my head.

  Chord shakes his head. “No, she’ll be okay. I just to need to hold her a little longer.”

  And he does, Chord holds me for hours. The minute I think I’ve run out of tears, they fall harder. He cries with me, doing his best to coax me to stop. He rubs my back, plays with my hair and rocks me, trying anything to soothe me.

  “Chord, is there anything we can do?” Lea sits beside me, taking my hand.

  “I don’t know.” His words are no more than a whisper.

  As the day wears on, people start showing up. They bring everything from food to drinks to flowers. Bile rises in my throat as I think about buying flowers for our son’s casket.

  That image alone drags me back down into the pits of hell. Cancer is a deplorable way to end someone’s life. It robs you of time, dignity, and in the end, grace. Because you can’t choose how you leave this world, no more than the way you came in. Not gracefully anyway.

  “Hey, you wanna grab a bath?” Chord searches for anything to pull me out of the mire.

  “Not right now,” I mewl.

  Later that night, he lays me in bed, crawling in behind me. We cry until we fall asleep, though it never takes us under long enough. His resolve to be by my side never wavers. He’s my rock.

  The sun rises without Silas this morning. We watch the light grow in the distance, taking our peace and ripping it apart. In our darkest hour, the sun mocks us. My chest aches, feeling like it’s been riddled with bullets.

  “We need to make plans,” Chord’s voice quivers.

  My grief is so heavy, I can’t bear to think of it. “Give me a little longer.”

  “Okay.” He laces his fingers with mine, offering me the time I need.

  I dry my eyes again, turning to him. “Why do people feel the need to rush and make arrangements?”

  “I’m not sure, it’s what has to be done.” He shrugs.

  “So people go into automatic?”

  “I haven’t thought about it. I suppose at one time, they were taken care of differently, so time was imperative.” He rubs the back of his neck.

  “I don’t want to do it at all.”

  “I don’t either, but we have to, Sarah.” I’m making this harder on him, but I don’t want to rush it. I’m in no hurry to say goodbye.

  “Who says? Other people? Because we’re preconditioned to lay our loved ones to rest as soon as they leave. Well, fuck that.” I stand, storming from the room. It doesn’t matter to me, he’s right.

  I run toward the beach, praying the ocean will swallow me up. No such luck, my lungs burn from running and crying. I scream, releasing everything in me. I don’t want to feel anymore. I want to be numb.

  “Sarah?” Chord beckons me from the edge of insanity. “We’ll wait as long as you need.”

  I spin, running into his arms. “I’m sorry. I want to die, Chord. Please, let me go with him.”

  “Please stay. Help me help you.” He crushes me to his chest where I find a moment of solace.

  “This evening, we’ll go take care of Silas.” I slow my breathing. “Don’t leave me.”

  “Never.” His voice is raspy.

  “Do you think he knew I loved him?”

  He pulls me to his side. “Never doubt that, he was so loved by you, he was complete.”

  Complete but not whole, that’s exactly how I feel right now. I will never be without this emptiness again. My life has been altered, and I will never go back. Life changes in a split second, what will you do when it does?

  I fall apart. Because I died yesterday.

  My life has resembled a rollercoaster, and the last few months is no different. Finding Sarah and Silas has brought me the greatest joy and now, my greatest sorrow. It’s a nightmare, and I’m begging to wake up.

  I replay the scene as it unfolded in front me; I felt as though I wasn’t present. Like I was committing voyeurism into someone else’s life. Each act, real and heartfelt. Still, I watched so many things from outside myself.

  We watch as his chest falls for the last time. I sit here helpless, a witness to a murder. Nothing I could do to save my son from the fate of cancer. His life ripped from him, our lives shredded. How do we survive this?

  The deafening silence rings in my ears. I peer over the ledge, falling into the abyss. I watch as the room moves in slow motion. Thayer crumples to the floor, Hardy holding her in his arms. Mom clutching Dad as they both cry. One and Lea embrace, trembling as they mourn. His nurse checks his vitals, calling the time of death.

  I hold onto Sarah, incapable of doing anything else. My chest breaks open as I fight for air, struggling to breathe. Sarah sobs as I hold her, wracking her body with pain. Agony etched on her face. I’ve never felt so helpless.

  The following afternoon, we make arrangements to lay Silas to rest. Sarah’s hanging on by a thread. I’m not much better, but I’ll never allow her to see it. She has enough on her, even being here is more than anyone should expect.

  “Mister Hamilton, we’re sorry for your loss,” the funeral director, Mister Bower, says.

  I reach his hand, keeping an arm around Sarah. “Thank you.”

  “Let’s see how we can help you today. Please, be seated.” He motions to chairs in front of his desk. One and Thayer, per Sarah’s request, came with us.

  “We need to make arrangements for our son.” With my words, the end of Sarah’s resolve falters. She clutches my shirt as her tears fall.

  “Of course, do you have anything in mind?”

  “Yes. We’re going to have him in gray with a blue bow tie. His eyes are...were blue.” My chest caves with the words.

  “Service times or location?” he asks as he writes.

  “The chapel will be fine and one day.”

  “We can have him Thursday from noon till two. Two will be the service and internment. Will that work?” He offers me a tight smile as I try to regain my composure.

  “Sarah, what do you think?” Thayer prompts her.

  “It’s fine. Chord?” Sarah’s eyes plead with me.

  “Yes, that’s perfect. Thank you.”

  “Final resting place?” The minute I think Sarah and I can make it through this, those three words send us both reeling.

  “Memorial Gardens in Little River.” One takes the lead as he rubs my shoulder.

  “I’ll notify them. Have you purchased the plot?”

  I stutter, “Yes, my brother took care of it this morning.”

  “If you have any particular songs or pictures you’d like to share during the service, you can email those.” He nods.

  “We’ll take care of that tonight.”

  “We’ll need to pick a casket.” He stands. “Please follow me.”

  I stand but Sarah refuses, her eyes wide as she peers up at me. I lean down, kissing her cheek. “I’ll be right back, baby.” I swallow hard past the knot, I know exactly how she feels.

  One walks with me as I pick my son’s final bed. I spot a dark silver metallic with a blue interior as soon as we walk in, by the back corner. The fact the room has several caskets for children is a bone-chilling reminder we’re not alone.

  “The silver with the blue interior.” I point, not wanting to get any closer.

  “Would you like to pick a vault?”

  My legs feel weak, and I falter. One’s arm is around me before I understand what’s happening. “No, we’ll take the best you have.”

  “Yes, sir.” Mister Bower adds, “We just need to write his obituary.”

  I turn back to Sarah, my feet trudging along from the weight I’m carrying. Thayer has her arm around her, giving her tissues. Her head snaps up, and she rushes to me.

  She throws her arms around me, holding me until I’m steady. “Thank you.” Sarah laces our fingers, and I follow her to our seats
.

  Mister Bower sits across from us. “Will you be submitting an obituary or would you like us to draft one?”

  “I’ll write it and send it with his photos,” Thayer says.

  “Alright.” He pushes a business card at her. “I’ll just need his name and age for the death notification.”

  “Silas Jordan Hamilton, he was six-years-old.” One’s voice cracks with emotion.

  “A beautiful name.” He stands when he finishes writing. “Please call if you have any questions or concerns. And I’ll be looking for your email.”

  One stands, taking his hand. “Thayer will get back to you a little later. Thank you.”

  Sarah and I stumble to the SUV, climbing in the back. One and Thayer take us home so she can get Silas’ things together. We’re going through our phones for pictures of him, while Sarah gets his clothes.

  I realize she’s been gone too long and go in search for her. She’s sitting on our bed, looking through a box of papers and photos. She hands me one as she sniffles.

  “I had forgot about that one.” She walks over, coming back with his baby book.

  “He’s so tiny but smiling away.” I hold the paper closer. “Is he showing his teeth?”

  “Yes, smiling for the camera.” She hands me another. “I think this was your favorite from his book, right?”

  “Oh, yeah. Check him out mean muggin’.” We giggle, immediately admonishing ourselves for it.

  “Will we ever laugh again without feeling guilty?”

  I drop to the bed. “I have no clue.” She sits against me and I wrap my arm around her as we take our time looking through his baby book.

  We take his clothes and pictures down to Thayer, she’s already working on his obituary.

  “Sarah,” Thayer winces, “do you want your mom’s information in here?”

  Sarah swallows hard, falling into the couch. She runs her hand through her hair. Looking at me, she raises her brows. “Do I have to?”

  “Do you want to, is the question?” I sit next to her, taking her hand as she chews on her nail.

  “No, I prefer never to mention her.” She hesitates. “Does that mean I can’t add my dad?”

  “You can have your dad.”

  She spins around to Thayer. “Steven Allen Sutton.”

  “Is that with a v or ph?” Thayer cocks her brow.

  “A v and two l’s.”

  “When I finish this, I’ll print one off so you can check it out.” Thayer offers a tight smile.

  “We need a song,” Sarah says as my parents walk through the door.

  I shrug. “Do you have any favorites?”

  “Besides my dad’s, not really.”

  “I have no idea.” I shake my head. “Does anyone have one? If not, let’s check out the internet.”

  We sit around listening to songs for hours, until we find the perfect one. Not long after, everyone leaves for home. Sarah and I go upstairs to find our clothes for tomorrow. I pick my suit from the dance, and she decides on a simple blue dress to match his tie.

  Our drive to the cemetery is short but feels like it takes us forever to get there. One and Lea are with us today. I’m not sure how we would’ve made it without our family.

  Family viewing first with visitors allowed in after. Sarah and I both do pretty good until we see his little body laying in that thing. His image will never leave me, not in a lifetime. Sarah is shattered.

  “Please tell me this is a dream?” she sobs, trembling in my arms. Her body slumps over the casket, her shoulders quaking.

  My words fail me, I have nothing to offer but my arms and love. “I’m sorry.”

  My knees buckle as I watch Sarah fall apart. Nothing I can do will help, no words to offer her solace. I’m worthless to her, helpless to my son. I can’t help but to wonder, is this why I didn’t get them sooner.

  I find enough courage to get to my feet, helping Sarah to let go... for now. We sit in the front row, clinging to our sanity. Our hearts irreparable, our lives wrecked. I don’t think I’ll ever recover.

  “Chord?” Riley hugs me, then Sarah. “I’m so sorry, guys. If you need anything, we’re here.” He’s followed by his wife, Ava.

  The line of family and friends continue to filter through over the next two hours. Walker and Alden are among those closest to us, with Brannon and Torrie close behind. Luke slips in beside Sarah, and he holds her for the longest time. Her anguish-riddled body vibrates as she grieves. I hold her hand, trying to control my suffering.

  When the service starts, Sarah tucks herself into my side. Latching onto to me as she weeps, furthering the pain in my aching chest. We asked One to read his obituary and Hardy to read a letter from us.

  “Silas Jordan Hamilton, aged six years and five months. He was born six days before his father’s birthday, on August 20, 2011. His battle with cancer, taking him all too soon, on January 30, 2018. Surrounded by his loving family, Silas left us forever changed as he returned to our Heavenly Father.

  “Silas was a blessing, born to Sarah Beth Sutton Hamilton and Chord Averette Hamilton. His parents’ love evident from the day he came into this world, until he was ripped from their arms. That love, enduring many trials, producing one many will never know. Silas was the perfect example of their love, strength, and grace.

  “He was our superhero and loved Thor. He loved to take pictures and build LEGO worlds. He found joy in fishing and wrestling with his momma and dad on Saturday mornings. Silas was thrilled to be with his family, laughing.

  “His grandfather, Steven Sutton, welcomed him to his new home. He leaves behind grandparents, Calder and Elise Hamilton. Aunt Thayer and Hardy Turner, their son Holden. Uncle Malone and Hadlea Woods, their children Aksel and Emmerson, Hawkins and Willow, Latham and Ryver, Wren, Harlyn and Tierney. And his special Uncle Luke Caldwell.

  “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Mark ten and fourteen.” One steps away from the podium, tears streaking his face.

  Hardy steps forward, drying his eyes before he begins. “Sarah and Chord both have written something for Silas.” As Hardy speaks, the song Jealous of the Angels by Donna Taggart plays softly.

  “Silas Jordan, standing next to you is like standing next to a thousand suns, not a cluster of stars could outshine. We knew that a part of you belonged to the world, but the world that is within you, is all ours. Our love will forever be with you. We were honored to be your parents and will grieve you until we meet again. Momma and Dad.”

  Hardy joins One as the funeral director calls for the visitors to pass. I help Sarah to her feet, Luke on her opposite side. As our family and friends go by for their last farewell, we stand solemnly, offering our appreciation.

  As our pallbearers take their place, Walker takes our breaths away. He stands at the end, waiting to take his side, dressed as Thor. Sarah and I are crippled with heart-wrenching sobs, grateful to our friend.

  We proceed to the gravesite, where my father gives a few words before his final resting.

  “Our hearts are full because we were blessed with this young man. We will forever hold him in our hearts, and God will hold him in his arms. We pray for peace and healing, asking God for mercy on our weary souls. We love you, Silas.”

  Our family drops white roses tipped in blue, the color of his eyes, on his casket. Sarah wavers as we step forward.

  “I can’t do it.” She shakes her head, tears spattering her face. “Chord, I can’t say goodbye.”

  I pull her into me, crushing her to my body. Grief paralyzing us, rooting us to the spot. Her chest heaves as she gasps for air, and rage wracks my body at the mere thought of what she’s going through.

  I fight the urge to vomit as my stomach rolls violently. Sarah clutching me as we hold on to all we have left, each other.

  “Sarah, you have to do it. If for no one else, do it for Silas. Do it for your baby.”

  Her body stiffens, bracing itself to do the impossible
. We lace our fingers, turning to say goodbye.

  “Silas, I love you. I hope you know how much I love you. My baby boy, you’ve meant the world to me. I love you.” Sarah’s words, strangled.

  I lean over, kissing the top. “I love you, Si. I miss you already, little buddy.”

  Sarah props against me, we’re both unable to move. Concreted to this spot, knowing once we walk away, there’s no turning back. My body tingles, and a shudder takes over. Sarah covers her mouth as she gulps for air.

  With nothing more than broken hearts, we amble to the waiting car. Our lives tattered and no will to move beyond this point, we grapple leaving him here. Clasping hands, we will one another to look ahead.

  Sarah’s soul is decimated, and she cries all the way home. My concern for her is beginning to move to the forefront of my every thought. I press her to my side, helping her into the house and to the couch. Thayer helps her out of her shoes as she balls up, sobbing.

  I sit beside her, and she moves closer to me, placing her head in my lap. “Can I-I...”

  “You don’t have to ask, baby. I’m not going anywhere without you.” I press my lips to hers, wiping away her tears with my thumb.

  “I love you.” She tugs at my arm, putting it around her.

  I lean down, whispering, “I love you, Sarah.”

  Our family stays until late, asking us to eat and watching over us. They all make a fuss, but we just can’t eat. I do get Sarah to drink a little something, and I’m afraid she’s going to dehydrate if she doesn’t.

  “Kids, you should let me make you some food. Neither of you have ate.” Mom sits across from us, worrying her lip.

  “Honestly, Mom, I couldn’t eat a thing.”

  “Sarah, sweetie. Please eat for me,” Mom begs her. I have to agree, I haven’t eaten today, but it’s been a couple of days for Sarah.

  “Come on, baby. I’ll eat if you will.” I coax her.

  She tips her head up to me. “You’re gonna eat with me?”

  “I will.” I wink. “Mom, whatever’s fastest.”

  “I’ll get them something to drink.” Lea jumps up with Mom.

  One sits down next to us. “Hadlea sent these.” He sets our drinks down.