Wrecking Us Saving You

by Leaona Luxx

  “Chord, you can’t put restraints on love. It lives by its own rules.”

  “Haven’t you heard? I’m the good guy, I don’t break the rules,” I counter.

  “Maybe not, but love breaks them all. Don’t let fear break you or one day you might regret it.” He’s right, I shake my head.

  “What if she never comes back? It’ll kill me if I don’t protect myself this time.” I warn him. “She left me, One. She walked away from me!”

  “It hurt Hadlea when she left me. She later told me the pain she caused me was so much greater that she could never do it again, it would kill her.” One laces his fingers.

  “Well, Sarah must’ve taken a page outta Lea’s playbook. I’m leveled.” I rub the back of my neck.

  “No, that’s what you did to the bedroom.” He pins me with a glare.

  I squeeze my eyes shut. “Shit, I forgot about that.”

  “I’ll get it fixed,” he says, standing.

  “No.” I chew my lip. “Leave it, I want to remember the way she made me feel, so I never let her make me feel this way again.” I will myself to stand.

  “Strong words for a man immensely in love.” He smirks.

  “Yeah, look where that’s got me.” My tears fall freely. “I’ve lost my family. My son. The love of my life. I’m not sure even love can save me this time.”

  “Your love is one worth fighting for. Let her fight for it.” One pulls me into another hug, exactly like the one I need.

  I faintly knock on the door. I try again, a little louder. Finally, I hear footsteps. The locks turn, the handle wiggles. When the door opens, I break.

  “Sarah?” My knees buckle, and he catches me before I fall. “Oh, baby doll. What in the world?” He helps me in, guiding me to my old bed.

  I fall face first, tears soaking the comforter. He takes my shoes off, tossing them in the corner with my bag. I roll over, wrapping up like a cocoon. He gives me tissues, stroking my hair until I fall asleep.

  I dream of my little family, happy and playing on the beach. We smile, enjoying one another. The love we share, evident on our smiling faces. My loves sitting together as they build sandcastles.

  My chest heaves when a wave crashes ashore, knocking down their masterpiece. Silas begins to cry, and I stand, walking toward them as Chord cradles him in his loving arms. He adores his son.

  Another wave batters the shoreline, taking Silas with it as it returns to the ocean. Chord lays bruised and broken in the aftermath. He reaches for me as the waters ebb and flow, working their way up the beach again.

  The closer I get, the further he’s lost to the rising tide. I struggle to get to him. He fights back, calling to me, but I can’t hear him for the sound of the roaring tide. The skies turn dark, rain begins to beat down on us.

  He calls to me again. I try to move, but my feet start to sink into the surf. It’s like quicksand, I can’t fight it or it’ll take me. Chord is pulled further out in the undertow, but I’m afraid to fight for him.

  I’m stuck. I can’t fight the surge that’s drowning Chord. If I move from this spot, it’ll swallow me up. My heart races as Chord urges me to step out of the quicksand. To fight for us to survive because without me, he won’t make it.

  He reaches for me one last time, I shake my head. If I fight, I’ll sink in the struggle. He mouths he loves me as I lose sight of him, the sand begins to cover my mouth. He begged me to move toward him, but I wouldn’t.

  Now, the quicksand takes me with it.

  I wake with a jolt, startled by the dream, and how real it felt. I’m sweating, and I need water. It’s as if I haven’t had anything to drink in days. I try licking my lips, but my mouth is so dry. I crawl from the bed, wobbling on my feet.

  I pull the door open to bright lights. Shielding my eyes, I stumble through the house. Stopping by the bathroom, I pee for what feels like thirty minutes. “No wonder I’m dehydrated.”

  I stagger to the kitchen, finding the biggest cup I can and filling it to the brim with cold water. I chug it down, refilling it before I can finish. I walk toward the couch, drinking as I go.

  “Well hello, stranger.”

  I curl up, finishing my water before I speak. I set the cup down, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. “Hey, love.” I sigh.

  “Are you feeling any better?”

  “I am. I feel like I’ve slept for a month.” I giggle, laying my head against the couch.

  “Nah, just four days.”

  My eyes bug out. “What? Why would you let me sleep for four days?”

  “You obviously needed it.” He sits across from me. “You showed back up, looking miserable and like you hadn’t slept for months.”

  “I haven’t.” Tears spring to my eyes.

  “So what happened?” His face pleads for answers, things I can’t give him.

  I shake my head, wrapping my arms around my legs. “I don’t know.”

  “Sarah, it’s me. Talk to me.”

  “I had a dream while I was out.” I swallow past the knot in my throat.

  “Oh, yeah. What about?”

  “The beach and being in quicksand. Odd, right?” I tilt my head, searching his eyes for understanding.

  “Seriously, weird.” He nods. “Why quicksand I wonder?”

  “We kept sinking, I couldn’t move. No, that’s a lie.” I chew my lip. “I wouldn’t move, no matter how much I knew I needed to, that it was perilous if I didn’t. I stood there, letting it take us all.” I wipe away a tear.

  “What do you think it means?” He frowns with me.

  I shrug, drying my face on my shirt. “I don’t know.”

  “Maybe you need some time to think about it and what it might mean?” He narrows his eyes.

  “I know, I don’t want to think about it right now.” I hurry back to the bedroom, sinking under the covers to hide from the world.

  I sleep a few more days, my body and mind deserved a much-needed break. I plod through the house in search of nourishment.

  “Well hello, Sleeping Beauty.”

  “Mornin’.” I wave on my way to the couch.

  He joins me with a sigh. “Are you not feeling any better?”

  “Nope. I don’t think I’ll ever feel better again.” My lip begins to tremble. “I miss my baby, and I’m so fuckin’ mad at everything and everyone.”

  “I’m not sure how you’ve survived it all.”

  “Have I, because I don’t feel as if I’ve survived anything.” I dry my face with the back of my hand. He reaches me a box of tissues.

  “I can’t imagine, baby.” He pats my hand. “How’s Chord?”

  “Who in the hell knows?” I shrug as the tears fall harder.

  He narrows his eyes. “I was thinking you should know.”

  “Well, I don’t. It’s not like we’ve been talking much lately.” I pull more tissues from the box.

  “Why’s that? Him or you?” He pins me with pointed ire.

  I grit my teeth. “I’m having a damn hard time being without Silas. Okay?”

  “Alright, but how’s Chord?” He tilts his head.

  I shrug, sniffling. “Fine, I guess.”

  “So can you tell me why you ran like a bat outta hell from the love of your life?” Luke glares at me.

  “I didn’t come here for this shit.” I bite my nail as disdain churns in my stomach.

  He raises his brows. “Why did you come here, Sarah?”

  “I’m not sure. We argued. We’ve never had a real argument. Ever.” My chest aches as I run our words through my mind.

  “Couples argue, that’s not a reason.” He cocks his brow.

  “What do you want me to say?” I stare at him.

  “I’m gonna be straight with you because I love you, and then, you’re gonna be honest with yourself.” He puckers his mouth. “You ran, probably because things got real, but I have a feeling you already know that. That man you walked out on is a damn good man. He loves you, and I know for fact—you love him.”
r />   “Oh, yeah. I felt it as he yelled at me.”

  “Did he have a right? Don’t sit there and act as if you’re innocent, ole girl, you’re full of attitude and a helluva handful.” He smirks.

  “I may have raised my voice.” I roll my eyes.

  “Go on,” he coaxes me.

  I huff, “He slept with three different women while we were apart, but I’m telling you, it meant nothing. I know it didn’t, he’s not like that.”

  “Why are you defending it if that’s why you got into the argument in the first place?” His brows pull low.

  I slump. “We ran into them in town, and the last one was the very day we went to visit Silas.”

  “Did he hit on her or ask her out? Maybe relived old times?” He leans in, waiting.

  I smash my lips together. “No, not exactly.”

  “How? Exactly.” He cocks his brow.

  “She came on to him.” I hold my finger up. “Bu-but, he didn’t introduce me as his wife, like he had been doing.” I narrow my eyes.

  “If it bothered you, you should’ve said so. Letting it fester causes needless arguments.”

  I cover my face with my hands. “I know, I know I should’ve cleared the air. I was hurt he didn’t wait on me, the way I did him.”

  “Sarah, it’s different for girls. Did you ever ask why he did it? I can’t believe it was to forget about you or to hurt you. I bet, he regretted it immediately after.”

  “Why did he stop calling me his wife?” I fold my arms over my rolling stomach.

  “Did he have a reason?” He cocks his head.

  I close my eyes tight. “I told him not to do it.”

  “Let’s fast forward. What happened after that?” He folds his hands in his lap.

  I twist my mouth. “I said something about keeping his dick in his pants, and he may have mentioned me giving up and wanting to die when he was there and needing me.”

  His eyes are wide. “He told you he needed you, and you bailed?”

  “No, not like that.” I bound from the couch, grabbing my glass.

  “I’m waiting.” He folds his arms. “Girl, you can come clean or I can have a ‘Come to Jesus meetin’—you pick.”

  “He gave up on me. He stopped sleeping in Silas’ bed with me. He boxed up all the things people bought him while he was sick.” I slam my glass down, making my point.

  “So your man needed you. And you think he gave up on you?” I nod. “He boxed up gifts from people you’ve never met, like he might give them to a foundation that could use them. Like, his sister-in-law’s, who paid your child’s hospital bills. And wait, let me get it right—he gave up on you because he couldn’t take sleeping in the room where his son passed away. The son he just found out about, like six months or less before he lost him forever. Did I get all that right?” He glares at me as I flinch from his honesty.

  “No.” I tremble, shaking my head. “Hell no. That’s not even remotely close.”

  “He told you he needed you, and you walked away. What does that say about the amazing love you declared y’all had for years?” He’s pissing me off.

  “It says he always had everything. He never wanted for anything in his life.” I clench my jaw.

  “Sarah, do you believe your own horse shit? Who took care of you for years?” he yells at me.

  “Chord did, but I didn’t ask him to. I never asked him for anything, he just did things.” I wave my hand in the air.

  “He did things for you, without you asking?” I nod. “Because you wouldn’t ask?”

  “Yes.”

  “Was there ever a time you needed him? Or told him you needed him? I mean, it took him nineteen years to tell you, but still, maybe that’s why he was afraid to tell you.” He leans against the wall, proud as a peacock.

  “Of course, I’ve always needed him. I would’ve never survived without him.” I pull my brows low.

  “Did you ever tell him that?”

  “No.” My stomach revolts.

  “Have you ever asked him if he needed anything, or did you ever do something for him because you felt he wanted it?” Who the fuck is he, Doctor Phil?

  “No, what’s your point?”

  “When you lived here, you wouldn’t take one thing from me without insisting to pay for it. We did everything fifty-fifty, your choice. The bills, the chores, even the food.” He points at me.

  “Yeah, it was the way Chord’s family worked. They did everything together.”

  He nods. “Because people who love each other give and take the same amount.”

  “Fuck.” I drop my gaze. “I think we’ve both fucked up.”

  “You think?” He stares at me. “Sarah, death and grieving is hard on a seasoned couple. Grief in itself is a beast.”

  “You can say that again, it’s like living a nightmare, every day.”

  “You don’t think he’s been living one?” he murmurs.

  I shake my head, falling onto the couch. “What the hell have I done?”

  “You walked away from the man you love.” He nudges my shoulder.

  “Luke, I lost my dad and found Chord. I lost him and gained Silas. I found Chord again, only to lose my son.” Tears break their barrier. “I’m afraid we’ll keep losing things, until we’ve lost each other.”

  “You can’t allow fear to drive you. You love each other, as long as you continue to work together, you’ll not lose.”

  I stare at the wall. “It doesn’t matter, he hasn’t even called. Has he?”

  “Not me, hasn’t he tried to get ahold of you?” He quirks his brow.

  I frown. “I’m not sure, I haven’t checked my phone. Besides, he knows where I am. If he wanted me, he’d come find me.”

  “He’s done that once, but I’m not sure he should this time.” He sits beside me.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “You left him—again—without a word. You just slipped out, kinda like your mom made you do. You tucked tail and ran when the going got tough.” He smacks his lips.

  I release my held breath. “It was leave or fall apart.”

  “Oh, honey. You fell apart or you never would’ve come here.” He pats my leg.

  “I need to see if he’s called.” I jump up, running to get my purse in the bedroom. Jerking it off the floor, I search through it. “Hey, did I lay it somewhere?”

  “You haven’t had it.” He follows me, narrowing his eyes.

  “Shit. I left it, he can’t call if he wanted to.” I run my hand through my hair. “Surely, he’s called you.”

  “Nope. Can’t say I blame him either.” He turns his back on me.

  My face flames. “What in the hell does that mean?”

  “It means, you walked out on the best damn thing that’s ever happened to you.” He puts his hand up when I start to protest. “I know, you were mourning and needed to heal some, but you should’ve been doing that with him. You walked out when he needed you the most. This isn’t his to clean up.” He shrugs.

  “How do people do this? Honestly, how?” I drop to my bed.

  “No one has that answer but you. Every relationship is different, and how you choose to make it work is up to you and him.”

  “I can’t believe he hasn’t come to get me.” My heart falls.

  “He probably can’t believe you left him. Again.” I wince, turning away from the truth.

  “Okay, I get it.” I throw myself back on my bed. “How the hell am I gonna fix this?” I sit up. “What if he doesn’t want me? What if he’s so mad he refuses to see me?”

  “What if you broke his heart and he’s dying without you?” He raises his brows.

  I cover my mouth. “Oh God. Luke, I have. I know this has killed him. He’ll think I don’t love him.”

  “Do you?” He waits.

  “I’m so ashamed of myself. I hurt him, I did.” I stand. “Yes, I love him. Always have. Always will.”

  “You might want to go find him.”

  “What if he doesn�
�t want me now?” I chew my lip.

  “Remind him he has you, mistakes and all, but with that he gets your love.” I wrap my arms around him.

  I take a deep breath as I turn the key, pushing the door open. I step through, setting my bag down by the stairs.

  “Chord?” I look around the bottom floor. Walking out to the garage, there’s no sign of him. Maybe he’s slept for days too. I hurry up the stairs to find a broken railing. “Chord?” Nothing.

  I push Silas’ door open, walking over to where I forgot my phone. I search the bed, dropping to my knees. I find it near the edge on the floor. I try it, knowing it’s going to be dead but holding out hope.

  I grab the charger from behind the nightstand, plugging it in. “You’re gonna need a few.” I stand, tiptoeing to our bedroom. If he’s asleep, I don’t want to wake him. I crack the door open to peek in. “What the fuck?”

  Swinging the door wide, I come face to face with the carnage I’ve caused. My mouth hangs as I walk in, scanning the damage he’s done. “Damn, I’ve broke him.”

  I whirl around, running to my phone. “I have to find you.” I pick my phone up, still dead. “Come on!” The screen flashes to life, the wait for these damn things to load is beyond my capabilities to handle right now.

  It’s on three percent but allows me to enter my pin. “Please, please be looking for me.” When the messages pop up, I have several. My heart thrums. I click the texts, Chord.

  Sarah, where are you?

  I need to know you’re okay.

  I’m sorry.

  “Oh, no baby. I’m the one who’s sorry.” I open the next and gasp.

  I can’t believe you’d leave me.

  I’m broken too.

  I’m so sorry I let us down.

  “Shit.” I close the texts and check my voicemail. One. One? “Oh, no.” I hit play, waiting.

  “Sarah, I have no words. I know I let you down but you let me down too. I’m sorry.”

  “What have I done to us?” I jerk the charger from the wall, taking it and the phone downstairs. I plug it in and try to decide what to do next. I call Luke, I need help.

  “Hey, what’s going on?” He’s cautious.

  I take a deep breath, settling my nerves. “I’ve fucked up so bad. So bad.”